(come on people get your friends and family following this blog. I can only help the folks I reach and if you have a question or need some suggestions, go ahead and e-mail me to ask, I'll answer)
Question: my doctor has told me I need to lose weight and he put me on a specific diet and exercise plan. I have been following the plan to the letter for two months and virtually no change. I saw a woman on tv who was a victim of rape who gained a lot of weight and couldn't lose it. I was sexually abused as a child, could that keep me from losing weight as an adult?
Answer: Absolutely. Often survivors of abuse/assault will subconsciously try to find ways to protect themselves. Their subconscious reasons "if I was less attractive they would not have chosen me. Therefore I will protect myself in layers of flesh and no one will attack me again." Very logical, just not remotely rational.
This is not to say that every overweight abuse/assault survivor can lay the blame for that on their past trauma. Most overweight people simply take in more calories than they burn. Regardless of the cause (boredom, response to trauma, cultural traditions about food and eating....) the way to fix it is to change behavior patterns with regard to eating and exercise.
If however, at some level of your subconscious you fear fitness more than you fear fat no matter how much you exercise or how little you eat you will not lose the weight.
How do we know if this is true of you? Well the first thing is to rule out the physical. You say you are keeping to the plan and it is not having an impact. Well most people are not nearly as disciplined as they think they are, and even if you are it might take a couple months to get your metabolism to quicken it's pace if you have been living a sedentary life style.
Some people actually even sleep eat. They sleep walk to the fridge and eat and go back to bed. If you live alone put a lock on the fridge if you live with family ask them to see if any food goes missing at night, or just put a piece of tape on the fridge and see if it is dislodged when you wake.
Why would anyone fear fitness? Well other than the irrational fear that this might make them a more likely victim, there is the more realistic fear, "What if I get in shape and I still feel awful/lonely/unloved?"
Many of the overweight people I have worked with believe at their core they are flawed and/or unlovable. If they are fat they have a reason why they are rejected. But if they were fit and they were alone they would have no reasons for their pain except their greatest fear, they are hopeless.
Regardless, if you have not had counseling for the sexual abuse you need to seek that out, no matter how long ago the abuse occurred. Whether or not your weight loss is related to this trauma it has no doubt had an impact on your life and relationships and only by exploring that impact can you build a plan to deal with it.
I would also highly encourage adding emotional support to your pursuit of your weight loss goal. Weight Watchers works, not because of the points, but because of the meetings where people feel a part of a community. Find a work out buddy, seek counseling, even hypno-therapy to aide in your weight loss, just don't give up. You may never be skinny but a healthier you is waiting.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Going back to Mr. Wrong, again.
(like the blog? Spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. Please post comments and e-mail me your questions and I will respond, Happy Holidays!)
Question: Why do I keep going back to him? All my friends tell me not to, he lets me down and hurts me time and again. I just did it again and although they are not saying "I told you so." I feel like I let them down and myself. I feel so pathetic. How do I stop this cycle?
Answer: You remind me of that old joke about the gambler was going down to Lefite's Pub to play poker. His friend stopped him and said, "But don't you know that game is fixed?" "Yep," the Gambler responded, "But it's the only game in town."
For you right now, this guy, or guys like him, are the only game in town. You know they cannot give you what you want but you would rather take your chances in a fixed game than not play, because you know there is no chance for victory sitting in the stands.
In order to remove a behavior we must first determine it's function. All behaviors support you in some way and if you pull out a support without seeing what it is holding up the ceiling may come crashing down.
Although you never mention violence in your relationship it has the same patterns as we often see in domestic violence relationships where the average number of times a woman leaves before she is finally through with a guy is 7.
Are these women idiots? Do they like getting hit? Do you like getting let down and feeling disappointed? Of course not! You, and they get sucked in by a honeymoon period. This is called the cycle of violence. The link below is to one of the best visual representations of it I have seen.
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/air/medbook/07.html
The problem is intermittent reinforcement. The hardest habits to break are the ones that don't get rewarded every time, they are the habits they get rewarded just often enough to keep you hoping. This is why building up a tolerance goes hand in hand with addiction. We become convinced that if we just use a little more, don't give up, keep trying, we will eventually get that feeling we are looking for.
I'm willing to bet there are times when this guy has made you feel great, better than you thought you ever deserved to feel. So when this too good to be true feeling was balanced by him treating you like crap it made sense to you and it hooked you in.
What you will eventually need to learn, probably through counseling, is that it was not "that guy" who gave you that wonderful feeling. You are not craving him, you are craving a feeling that you can get from a lot of different places and without such a high price.
The struggle will be you moving past the idea that if you didn't have to suffer for that feeling it is too good to be true. You are not an idiot. You are someone who has trouble believing that good things are going to happen for you because of your past experiences. As long as you are looking for a high price tag to go along with love you are going to find it. Let go of that notion and you will stop going back for extra helpings of pain.
Question: Why do I keep going back to him? All my friends tell me not to, he lets me down and hurts me time and again. I just did it again and although they are not saying "I told you so." I feel like I let them down and myself. I feel so pathetic. How do I stop this cycle?
Answer: You remind me of that old joke about the gambler was going down to Lefite's Pub to play poker. His friend stopped him and said, "But don't you know that game is fixed?" "Yep," the Gambler responded, "But it's the only game in town."
For you right now, this guy, or guys like him, are the only game in town. You know they cannot give you what you want but you would rather take your chances in a fixed game than not play, because you know there is no chance for victory sitting in the stands.
In order to remove a behavior we must first determine it's function. All behaviors support you in some way and if you pull out a support without seeing what it is holding up the ceiling may come crashing down.
Although you never mention violence in your relationship it has the same patterns as we often see in domestic violence relationships where the average number of times a woman leaves before she is finally through with a guy is 7.
Are these women idiots? Do they like getting hit? Do you like getting let down and feeling disappointed? Of course not! You, and they get sucked in by a honeymoon period. This is called the cycle of violence. The link below is to one of the best visual representations of it I have seen.
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/air/medbook/07.html
The problem is intermittent reinforcement. The hardest habits to break are the ones that don't get rewarded every time, they are the habits they get rewarded just often enough to keep you hoping. This is why building up a tolerance goes hand in hand with addiction. We become convinced that if we just use a little more, don't give up, keep trying, we will eventually get that feeling we are looking for.
I'm willing to bet there are times when this guy has made you feel great, better than you thought you ever deserved to feel. So when this too good to be true feeling was balanced by him treating you like crap it made sense to you and it hooked you in.
What you will eventually need to learn, probably through counseling, is that it was not "that guy" who gave you that wonderful feeling. You are not craving him, you are craving a feeling that you can get from a lot of different places and without such a high price.
The struggle will be you moving past the idea that if you didn't have to suffer for that feeling it is too good to be true. You are not an idiot. You are someone who has trouble believing that good things are going to happen for you because of your past experiences. As long as you are looking for a high price tag to go along with love you are going to find it. Let go of that notion and you will stop going back for extra helpings of pain.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Do I tell my sister the rumor I heard about her?
(Like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this site and/or on facebook, and by all means spread the word! Have a question? E-mail me and I'll post a response.)
Question: An acquaintance asked me about a rumor that my little sister was sexually assaulted while she was away at school. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. She said she heard the info from a cousin who I can't stand but my who my sister is really close with and relies on. I know if I ask my cousin about it she will deny saying anything. I'm just afraid this rumor will get back to my sister and she will feel embarrassed that everyone is talking about her, and feel betrayed by my cousin. I want to say something to warn her, but I have no idea how to bring it up, and I wonder if I should say anything. Is it the right thing to upset her if she might never hear about it? If she was sexually assaulted is she going to want her big brother bringing it up to her? Sorry for the long question, I'm lost about what to do.
Answer: Rumors are awful things but I have found most people want to know about them even if there is nothing they can do to stop the spread of the rumor. Even if the knowledge is painful.
Do onto others as THEY would have done onto them. This is the platinum rule and it very much applies here. This is a very tricky situation with no clear right answer. Our first step is to ask the golden rule, if you were in her situation what would you want her to do? Would you want to know about the rumor? Then from what you know of your sister, what do you think she would want you to do.
Let us begin with the premise that the rumor is true. Survivors of sexual assault are often filled with shame and self doubt. This may be an opportunity for you to tell her how much you love and care for her, and that if she was sexually assaulted it does not change your feelings for her what so ever. If she was assaulted your expression of unconditional love may be an important tool for her to use in her healing. If she was not assaulted you are laying the ground work, that if god forbid, something should ever happen to her, she knows she will have you as an ally.
How do you bring this up? On the phone, via text, at the dinner table...? Should you be specific or vague?
If you are trying to be sensitive to a person's privacy I suggest telling some thing like this in a letter that your sister can read privately and then follow up with you if she has questions. If you bring it up in any format where there can be back and forth dialog do not expect your sister to know how to respond. Imagine how difficult it was for you to respond to the person who brought it up and now turn up the volume and snap the knob off.
Do NOT beat around the bush. Get directly to the point. This is what I heard, this is how I heard it, this is what I'm afraid you are feeling, this is why I'm telling you, this is what I hope you will feel when you are done reading, this is when/how you can follow up with me if you want to. Start and end with how much you love her and how nothing will ever change that.
One area where you will have to be careful is in the way you bring the cousin you do not care for into the story. You want to make sure this does not seem like some vendetta that you have against her. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, even if you do not feel like she deserves it. Just report the information you got from your source as you received it, and openly admit that you have not talked to your cousin, and you hope the info is false.
Rumors and sexual assault have one terrible thing in common, they make a person feel powerless. You want to let your sister know that she isn't. That people are going to love her and believe the best about her no matter what they hear because of the good relationships she has developed over the years.
If you write a letter to your sister have someone you trust (someone that will not further spread the rumor) read it over to make sure your intended message of love and support is the strongest message being broadcast.
If you have written your message thoughtfully your sister will be prepared to deal with any questions that come her way and will not feel blindsided. If the person who brings this rumor to her does it with the love and concern that you intend to bring, it will still feel awful to her, but it might also bring the two of you closer together.
PS: there is often free counseling for survivors of sexual assault check with agencies like z-center (which you can find and follow on facebook) or search "center against sexual assault" and you will find a number of agencies.
Question: An acquaintance asked me about a rumor that my little sister was sexually assaulted while she was away at school. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. She said she heard the info from a cousin who I can't stand but my who my sister is really close with and relies on. I know if I ask my cousin about it she will deny saying anything. I'm just afraid this rumor will get back to my sister and she will feel embarrassed that everyone is talking about her, and feel betrayed by my cousin. I want to say something to warn her, but I have no idea how to bring it up, and I wonder if I should say anything. Is it the right thing to upset her if she might never hear about it? If she was sexually assaulted is she going to want her big brother bringing it up to her? Sorry for the long question, I'm lost about what to do.
Answer: Rumors are awful things but I have found most people want to know about them even if there is nothing they can do to stop the spread of the rumor. Even if the knowledge is painful.
Do onto others as THEY would have done onto them. This is the platinum rule and it very much applies here. This is a very tricky situation with no clear right answer. Our first step is to ask the golden rule, if you were in her situation what would you want her to do? Would you want to know about the rumor? Then from what you know of your sister, what do you think she would want you to do.
Let us begin with the premise that the rumor is true. Survivors of sexual assault are often filled with shame and self doubt. This may be an opportunity for you to tell her how much you love and care for her, and that if she was sexually assaulted it does not change your feelings for her what so ever. If she was assaulted your expression of unconditional love may be an important tool for her to use in her healing. If she was not assaulted you are laying the ground work, that if god forbid, something should ever happen to her, she knows she will have you as an ally.
How do you bring this up? On the phone, via text, at the dinner table...? Should you be specific or vague?
If you are trying to be sensitive to a person's privacy I suggest telling some thing like this in a letter that your sister can read privately and then follow up with you if she has questions. If you bring it up in any format where there can be back and forth dialog do not expect your sister to know how to respond. Imagine how difficult it was for you to respond to the person who brought it up and now turn up the volume and snap the knob off.
Do NOT beat around the bush. Get directly to the point. This is what I heard, this is how I heard it, this is what I'm afraid you are feeling, this is why I'm telling you, this is what I hope you will feel when you are done reading, this is when/how you can follow up with me if you want to. Start and end with how much you love her and how nothing will ever change that.
One area where you will have to be careful is in the way you bring the cousin you do not care for into the story. You want to make sure this does not seem like some vendetta that you have against her. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, even if you do not feel like she deserves it. Just report the information you got from your source as you received it, and openly admit that you have not talked to your cousin, and you hope the info is false.
Rumors and sexual assault have one terrible thing in common, they make a person feel powerless. You want to let your sister know that she isn't. That people are going to love her and believe the best about her no matter what they hear because of the good relationships she has developed over the years.
If you write a letter to your sister have someone you trust (someone that will not further spread the rumor) read it over to make sure your intended message of love and support is the strongest message being broadcast.
If you have written your message thoughtfully your sister will be prepared to deal with any questions that come her way and will not feel blindsided. If the person who brings this rumor to her does it with the love and concern that you intend to bring, it will still feel awful to her, but it might also bring the two of you closer together.
PS: there is often free counseling for survivors of sexual assault check with agencies like z-center (which you can find and follow on facebook) or search "center against sexual assault" and you will find a number of agencies.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Using a guy for the holidays
(like the blog, spread the word, and follow it on this site and/or on facebook. Have a question? Send me an e-mail and I'll whip up an answer.)
Question: My heart is still sore from my last relationship but I HATE being single during the holidays. I've gone on a couple dates with this guy and I think I might try to spend a lot of time with him just to survive until after 2/14. He is not Mr. Right, but neither of us is looking for anything serious. Does this plan make sense or am I just rationalizing so I don't have to be alone?
Answer: You are most certainly kidding yourself. In the best case scenario you will have used a guy to self medicate and protect you from your feelings during a rough patch of the year. In the worst case scenario you will end up feeling really used and you might have missed meeting the real Mr. Right.
It is irresponsible of me to jump to conclusions from just a couple of lines from your question but I'm going to assume you are one of those people who is always in a relationship. Often after getting out of one you tell yourself you just want to be single for awhile but somehow before two weeks have passed you just happen to have met someone interesting.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be connected to another person and have relationships, but dating a person just to protect you from the feeling of loneliness almost never leads to lasting love and fulfillment.
Relationships can be addictive and can be used just like drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, self injury, etc... to distract and insulate us from our emotions. If I'm in a relationship and I'm angry it can be because my boyfriend is acting like a jerk, but if I'm single and angry then what? I guess it has to be my fault.
Truly healthy people can be alone without being lonely. They can be angry, sad, surprised, anxious, and a hundred other feelings without needing a substance, a person, or any action to rescue them from their feelings.
You don't need a guy to make the holidays bearable. You need to change your expectations about what the holidays are supposed to be. If Christmas was about kissing under the mistletoe maybe you need to make it about visiting the elderly at a nursing home.
If you spend time with this guy that is not the end of the world, but just go into with your eyes open. Chances are if you spend a lot of time with a person and you are romantically linked whether or not you ever call it a relationship your heart is not going to get the memo.
If he isn't there to kiss you on New Years or he has plans with his "mom" on Valentines, the fact that you weren't looking for "anything serious" isn't going help with the loneliness. If you already know this guy isn't Mr. Right, then move on because Mr. Right isn't going to find you if you are hanging out with Mr. Placeholder.
Question: My heart is still sore from my last relationship but I HATE being single during the holidays. I've gone on a couple dates with this guy and I think I might try to spend a lot of time with him just to survive until after 2/14. He is not Mr. Right, but neither of us is looking for anything serious. Does this plan make sense or am I just rationalizing so I don't have to be alone?
Answer: You are most certainly kidding yourself. In the best case scenario you will have used a guy to self medicate and protect you from your feelings during a rough patch of the year. In the worst case scenario you will end up feeling really used and you might have missed meeting the real Mr. Right.
It is irresponsible of me to jump to conclusions from just a couple of lines from your question but I'm going to assume you are one of those people who is always in a relationship. Often after getting out of one you tell yourself you just want to be single for awhile but somehow before two weeks have passed you just happen to have met someone interesting.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be connected to another person and have relationships, but dating a person just to protect you from the feeling of loneliness almost never leads to lasting love and fulfillment.
Relationships can be addictive and can be used just like drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, self injury, etc... to distract and insulate us from our emotions. If I'm in a relationship and I'm angry it can be because my boyfriend is acting like a jerk, but if I'm single and angry then what? I guess it has to be my fault.
Truly healthy people can be alone without being lonely. They can be angry, sad, surprised, anxious, and a hundred other feelings without needing a substance, a person, or any action to rescue them from their feelings.
You don't need a guy to make the holidays bearable. You need to change your expectations about what the holidays are supposed to be. If Christmas was about kissing under the mistletoe maybe you need to make it about visiting the elderly at a nursing home.
If you spend time with this guy that is not the end of the world, but just go into with your eyes open. Chances are if you spend a lot of time with a person and you are romantically linked whether or not you ever call it a relationship your heart is not going to get the memo.
If he isn't there to kiss you on New Years or he has plans with his "mom" on Valentines, the fact that you weren't looking for "anything serious" isn't going help with the loneliness. If you already know this guy isn't Mr. Right, then move on because Mr. Right isn't going to find you if you are hanging out with Mr. Placeholder.
Friday, November 27, 2009
how do normal people find friends?
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
dealing with anxiety attacks
(Like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. Have a question? E-mail me)
Question: I get these anxiety attacks and I just can't stop thinking. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes it even happens when I'm driving, once I had to pull over. I feel my heart racing and I feel like the whole world is closing in on me. I hate it. Still I don't want to take any medication, I don't want to feel like I am dependent on something. What can I do?
Answer: Before we remove something we need to figure out what its function is. Instead of just eliminating this anxiety we need to figure out what they are doing for you. Then we teach you to bring your anxiety down to a level that is useful without being debilitating or even really annoying.
If we remember one of the key Maigler assumptions: all feelings have a function in helping us to survive, then we must ask what could this anxiety be doing for you? Chances are it is preventing you from relaxing and letting your guard down. If you have more anxiety than seems appropriate for the situation it suggests that you don't trust yourself spot dangers.
I would guess that in your past you have been surprised by something awful and you would do anything to never be shocked with a negative like that again. That means these anxiety attacks are something that you are choosing because you would rather live with them than the fear of emotional ambush. The bad news is there is no safe place from emotional ambush. The good news is since they hyper vigilance you get from anxiety isn't really helping you anyway we lose nothing but reducing it.
But why, you may ask, are you having anxiety attacks when the trigger is as trivial as how clean the house is before Thanksgiving, or that presentation to your Spanish class, or if your boyfriend's sister hates you?
We worry about these more trivial issues because the big issues that really produce our fear seem impossible to deal with. If we tried to answer the questions: will anyone ever love me for me, or what is my purpose on earth, do I deserve to be happy? We would not be able to get down to firm yes or no answers, and the ambiguity is scary. If I instead freak myself out about whether or not everyone will like the pasta sauce I made, and I end up with negative results, I can probably survive that.
So what do we do about it? Step 1: in the middle of an anxiety attack control your breathing, there are many great techniques for that, pick any one that works for you. I know, I know deep breaths, it sounds like such a cliche. Well it is a cliche for a reason, it works. That anxiety attack is chemical in nature and a faucet of of adrenaline is rushing to your heart. We turn off the flow by slowing your breathing which will in turn slow your heart rate, and send a signal to your brain that you have things under control.
Step 2: remind yourself that you will get through this, and it is not life threatening. It may sound silly but eventually anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks, where people believe they are going to die. One key is remembering that you have survived this before and you will be fine.
Step 3: focus on something else: If you can call someone you like and ask them to talk to you about THEIR life, not your anxiety. If it is late and you cannot get anyone else guided visualizations (aka day dreaming about something pleasant or soothing) can work.
Step 4: start dealing with the REAL issue. whether it be in therapy or through journaling or artwork devote some time to thinking about the fear that is producing the anxiety. Not the surface trigger issue, but the real issue. If you are not sure what that is, start working with a therapist. But the point is unless you do this anxiety attacks will keep coming back no matter what you do to manage them.
Step 5: Engage in stress prevention techniques: Yoga, Tai Chi, and marital arts are my three most highly recommended strategies because they combine exercise and controlled breathing techniques with a set of principals to live by. Other forms of exercise are okay but are hard to access when you are driving or trying to sleep and they usually qualify more as stress management than prevention.
Step 6: Talk to your doctor. Even if you do not want to explore medication there may be some physical issues that are leading to your anxiety and stress and if you try these other steps and anxiety attacks are still coming this may be a health issue.
Anxiety responds well to treatment but it can take a really long time and most of my clients continue having bouts of anxiety attacks even though they are engaged in therapy and often take medication. A lot of this is because they are afraid to let go of their anxiety, afraid that if they do they will get hurt again. They are right that there is danger out there, but anxiety is warning system not a shield and it works much better when you use it the way it was intended.
Question: I get these anxiety attacks and I just can't stop thinking. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes it even happens when I'm driving, once I had to pull over. I feel my heart racing and I feel like the whole world is closing in on me. I hate it. Still I don't want to take any medication, I don't want to feel like I am dependent on something. What can I do?
Answer: Before we remove something we need to figure out what its function is. Instead of just eliminating this anxiety we need to figure out what they are doing for you. Then we teach you to bring your anxiety down to a level that is useful without being debilitating or even really annoying.
If we remember one of the key Maigler assumptions: all feelings have a function in helping us to survive, then we must ask what could this anxiety be doing for you? Chances are it is preventing you from relaxing and letting your guard down. If you have more anxiety than seems appropriate for the situation it suggests that you don't trust yourself spot dangers.
I would guess that in your past you have been surprised by something awful and you would do anything to never be shocked with a negative like that again. That means these anxiety attacks are something that you are choosing because you would rather live with them than the fear of emotional ambush. The bad news is there is no safe place from emotional ambush. The good news is since they hyper vigilance you get from anxiety isn't really helping you anyway we lose nothing but reducing it.
But why, you may ask, are you having anxiety attacks when the trigger is as trivial as how clean the house is before Thanksgiving, or that presentation to your Spanish class, or if your boyfriend's sister hates you?
We worry about these more trivial issues because the big issues that really produce our fear seem impossible to deal with. If we tried to answer the questions: will anyone ever love me for me, or what is my purpose on earth, do I deserve to be happy? We would not be able to get down to firm yes or no answers, and the ambiguity is scary. If I instead freak myself out about whether or not everyone will like the pasta sauce I made, and I end up with negative results, I can probably survive that.
So what do we do about it? Step 1: in the middle of an anxiety attack control your breathing, there are many great techniques for that, pick any one that works for you. I know, I know deep breaths, it sounds like such a cliche. Well it is a cliche for a reason, it works. That anxiety attack is chemical in nature and a faucet of of adrenaline is rushing to your heart. We turn off the flow by slowing your breathing which will in turn slow your heart rate, and send a signal to your brain that you have things under control.
Step 2: remind yourself that you will get through this, and it is not life threatening. It may sound silly but eventually anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks, where people believe they are going to die. One key is remembering that you have survived this before and you will be fine.
Step 3: focus on something else: If you can call someone you like and ask them to talk to you about THEIR life, not your anxiety. If it is late and you cannot get anyone else guided visualizations (aka day dreaming about something pleasant or soothing) can work.
Step 4: start dealing with the REAL issue. whether it be in therapy or through journaling or artwork devote some time to thinking about the fear that is producing the anxiety. Not the surface trigger issue, but the real issue. If you are not sure what that is, start working with a therapist. But the point is unless you do this anxiety attacks will keep coming back no matter what you do to manage them.
Step 5: Engage in stress prevention techniques: Yoga, Tai Chi, and marital arts are my three most highly recommended strategies because they combine exercise and controlled breathing techniques with a set of principals to live by. Other forms of exercise are okay but are hard to access when you are driving or trying to sleep and they usually qualify more as stress management than prevention.
Step 6: Talk to your doctor. Even if you do not want to explore medication there may be some physical issues that are leading to your anxiety and stress and if you try these other steps and anxiety attacks are still coming this may be a health issue.
Anxiety responds well to treatment but it can take a really long time and most of my clients continue having bouts of anxiety attacks even though they are engaged in therapy and often take medication. A lot of this is because they are afraid to let go of their anxiety, afraid that if they do they will get hurt again. They are right that there is danger out there, but anxiety is warning system not a shield and it works much better when you use it the way it was intended.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sexpectations hurting relationship
(Like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. Have a question? E-mail me)
Question: I know my husband loves me but we don't make love, we have sex and often afterward I feel like I was used, like I'm just an object that he used to get off. I tried to explain it to him but he won't listen or maybe I can't find the right words. Am I just being too sensitive?
Answer: If you feel it, then it is real and it needs to be dealt with. If you try to ignore this you will grow less and less enthusiastic for sex and the energy will go out of this part of your relationship. That would be a terrible loss when some communication might be all it takes to correct this.
I once had a male client whose girlfriend taught him this lesson. They were in a long distance relationship and as soon as they got together the first thing he wanted to do was have sex. Although she loved him and missed him both emotionally and sexually this pressure on the sexual aspect turned her off and made her feel disconnected emotionally.
When she tried to explain this to him he wanted to dismiss it. He would plead and pressure saying things like, "You know I love you, can't you just do it for me, even if you aren't really into it right now?"
Finally one day she decided if she was going to be treated like an object that is how she would act and she just lay back completely still and expressionless, once they began having sex. He told me that when he realized how she was feeling through her actions he became repulsed and was physically nauseous.
While I don't recommend that you necessarily take these steps you may choose to tell this story so your husband might start to understand how important it is for you to feel like making love is done with you rather than to you if it is to improve in your relationship.
For most men this is a matter of ignorance not stupidity. If you can help your husband to understand that a little work on his part will lead to much more enthusiasm and enjoyment for you and much better sex for both of you he will very likely be on board.
The step which most women struggle with at this point of the conversation is to explain to their men exactly what it is that they should do differently. Women often feel that just explaining the concept should be enough to get men to change their behavior. This is the reasoning that comes from having an intuitive mind WHICH MEN DON'T HAVE!
As I have said before men are the reason why there are directions on the back of the shampoo bottle. That is how simply and directly you must break everything down if you want men to understand what you want and don't want.
It is not enough to say "I hate it when you..." although that is a necessary first step. What you might try instead is say "Honey what will really put me in the mood for intense connected sex sometime soon is if you could show some interest in ... for awhile instead of ..." If men see the pay off they will usually oblige and they will even defer instant gratification if they believe there will be greater pay off later.
Never second guess your feelings, they are there to tell you something even if you cannot explain the logic of them. Feelings don't have to obey logic, but that does not make them insubstantial any more than the wind is unreal because we cannot see it.
Men really want to please their romantic partners, this is one of the ways men like to define themselves. If you can help your husband to connect with you everybody wins, even if he never understands why there was a problem.
Question: I know my husband loves me but we don't make love, we have sex and often afterward I feel like I was used, like I'm just an object that he used to get off. I tried to explain it to him but he won't listen or maybe I can't find the right words. Am I just being too sensitive?
Answer: If you feel it, then it is real and it needs to be dealt with. If you try to ignore this you will grow less and less enthusiastic for sex and the energy will go out of this part of your relationship. That would be a terrible loss when some communication might be all it takes to correct this.
I once had a male client whose girlfriend taught him this lesson. They were in a long distance relationship and as soon as they got together the first thing he wanted to do was have sex. Although she loved him and missed him both emotionally and sexually this pressure on the sexual aspect turned her off and made her feel disconnected emotionally.
When she tried to explain this to him he wanted to dismiss it. He would plead and pressure saying things like, "You know I love you, can't you just do it for me, even if you aren't really into it right now?"
Finally one day she decided if she was going to be treated like an object that is how she would act and she just lay back completely still and expressionless, once they began having sex. He told me that when he realized how she was feeling through her actions he became repulsed and was physically nauseous.
While I don't recommend that you necessarily take these steps you may choose to tell this story so your husband might start to understand how important it is for you to feel like making love is done with you rather than to you if it is to improve in your relationship.
For most men this is a matter of ignorance not stupidity. If you can help your husband to understand that a little work on his part will lead to much more enthusiasm and enjoyment for you and much better sex for both of you he will very likely be on board.
The step which most women struggle with at this point of the conversation is to explain to their men exactly what it is that they should do differently. Women often feel that just explaining the concept should be enough to get men to change their behavior. This is the reasoning that comes from having an intuitive mind WHICH MEN DON'T HAVE!
As I have said before men are the reason why there are directions on the back of the shampoo bottle. That is how simply and directly you must break everything down if you want men to understand what you want and don't want.
It is not enough to say "I hate it when you..." although that is a necessary first step. What you might try instead is say "Honey what will really put me in the mood for intense connected sex sometime soon is if you could show some interest in ... for awhile instead of ..." If men see the pay off they will usually oblige and they will even defer instant gratification if they believe there will be greater pay off later.
Never second guess your feelings, they are there to tell you something even if you cannot explain the logic of them. Feelings don't have to obey logic, but that does not make them insubstantial any more than the wind is unreal because we cannot see it.
Men really want to please their romantic partners, this is one of the ways men like to define themselves. If you can help your husband to connect with you everybody wins, even if he never understands why there was a problem.
Monday, November 9, 2009
why keep living?
(Like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. Have a question? E-mail me)
Question: I have struggled with depression for awhile because I just don't see the point of life. I'm not suicidal, I have no plan to end my life, but I sure wouldn't mind if death came and found me. I don't really believe in God, and relationships just lead to pain, so what the hell is the point of all this?
Answer: There is no point, or if there is, and I told you what it was you wouldn't believe me anyway so lets move forward as if life has no point.
Since you are scrapping the God and afterlife thing that saves us a lot of time and debate. We start with the facts, you are alive now and someday you will be dead so while you are alive you might as well enjoy the show.
Certainly life is painful, so what, it is also at least equally pleasurable. I know right now you don't believe that. Depression is a disorder of perception. You may be up to your chin in problems but when you are depressed you feel like you problems are stacked up to the ceiling.
To live, not just survive until death, but to really live we must inject our lives with meaning. Most people adopt the purpose and meaning suggested by their family/society/culture/religion, almost as many adopt an almost opposite philosophy as a reaction to those same influences.
At the end of the day no matter where you get a sense of meaning, mission, purpose you gotta get one or you are just killing time. Perhaps you will choose to be a hedonist and lead a life of finding pleasure and avoiding pain. Fine, if you like that go nuts.
My real suggestion is to try to find the activities that bring Flow into your life. (for detailed info on this see Mihaly Csikszenthmihalyi's book Flow: The psychology of the optimal experience)
Flow is that feeling you get when time just flies by in a good way. You get this feeling when you find your optimal level of challenge in a task that you find rewarding.
Some people find Flow fishing or golfing, I find it in having intriguing conversations, you might find it grooming dogs or fighting for the environment. You can easily say that in the truly big picture none of these things matter. I won't argue with you. At the end of the day any intelligent logical person can make the argument that nothing matters, that we are just specks of space dust which make no ultimate difference to the universe.
I take the opposite meaning from our insignificance to the universe. To me that means that every single thing I do matters. Whether I am painting a picture, saving a life, or playing a game of solitaire all of these things matter as much as a thousand exploding suns. They matter if I let myself care about them, they matter if I put my time and my enthusiasm into them.
You ask why you should keep living, in answer I say you should start living. You need to take a risk, care, let things matter to you. You will find brilliant heart melting pain in this world, and you will also find joy, the laughter of babies, and if you can find your Flow you will feel certain that you do have a purpose on this planet that matters, even if it only matters to you.
Question: I have struggled with depression for awhile because I just don't see the point of life. I'm not suicidal, I have no plan to end my life, but I sure wouldn't mind if death came and found me. I don't really believe in God, and relationships just lead to pain, so what the hell is the point of all this?
Answer: There is no point, or if there is, and I told you what it was you wouldn't believe me anyway so lets move forward as if life has no point.
Since you are scrapping the God and afterlife thing that saves us a lot of time and debate. We start with the facts, you are alive now and someday you will be dead so while you are alive you might as well enjoy the show.
Certainly life is painful, so what, it is also at least equally pleasurable. I know right now you don't believe that. Depression is a disorder of perception. You may be up to your chin in problems but when you are depressed you feel like you problems are stacked up to the ceiling.
To live, not just survive until death, but to really live we must inject our lives with meaning. Most people adopt the purpose and meaning suggested by their family/society/culture/religion, almost as many adopt an almost opposite philosophy as a reaction to those same influences.
At the end of the day no matter where you get a sense of meaning, mission, purpose you gotta get one or you are just killing time. Perhaps you will choose to be a hedonist and lead a life of finding pleasure and avoiding pain. Fine, if you like that go nuts.
My real suggestion is to try to find the activities that bring Flow into your life. (for detailed info on this see Mihaly Csikszenthmihalyi's book Flow: The psychology of the optimal experience)
Flow is that feeling you get when time just flies by in a good way. You get this feeling when you find your optimal level of challenge in a task that you find rewarding.
Some people find Flow fishing or golfing, I find it in having intriguing conversations, you might find it grooming dogs or fighting for the environment. You can easily say that in the truly big picture none of these things matter. I won't argue with you. At the end of the day any intelligent logical person can make the argument that nothing matters, that we are just specks of space dust which make no ultimate difference to the universe.
I take the opposite meaning from our insignificance to the universe. To me that means that every single thing I do matters. Whether I am painting a picture, saving a life, or playing a game of solitaire all of these things matter as much as a thousand exploding suns. They matter if I let myself care about them, they matter if I put my time and my enthusiasm into them.
You ask why you should keep living, in answer I say you should start living. You need to take a risk, care, let things matter to you. You will find brilliant heart melting pain in this world, and you will also find joy, the laughter of babies, and if you can find your Flow you will feel certain that you do have a purpose on this planet that matters, even if it only matters to you.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Does a 3rd divorce mean I'm a failure
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I am currently separated from my husband and although we talk every day it looks like we are headed toward divorce. I feel like such a failure. I was married twice before but there was a long gap between my second marriage and this one and I never thought this would happen. I know the word that comes to mind when I hear someone has been divorced three times, LOSER. Is there any hope for me?
Answer: The difference between winners and losers in life has nothing to do with the number of times a person gets married or divorced. It has everything to do with how we define victory.
My father's cousin stayed in a horrible marriage for 54 years because she thought it was her duty. It wasn't until her children came to her and encouraged her to stop putting up with the abuse that she realized that just staying married was not serving anyone.
There is a strong possibility that some of the attitudes and behaviors that you bring to your marriages, and probably all your relationships have contributed to your divorces. That does not make you a failure if staying married to any of these men would have required you to be unhealthy or suppress your values.
I would suggest you ask yourself what all these men have in common, what the problems in your romantic relationships, and your friendships tend to revolve around, and see if you can find some common themes. If you can you may want to work on those issues in counseling (yes my answer to just about any question includes a recommendation to explore counseling).
Going forward you must ask yourself what you really want out of a romantic relationship. If the man you are dating cannot provide all the things that you want and you are not going to be satisfied, don't marry him. This may seem obvious but many people get caught up in the momentum of a relationship and they get married not because they are a good fit but because they feel that is what they "should" do if they have been dating for a certain amount of time and they don't want to break up.
We live in a society where people get married and divorced at a dizzying rate. Women no longer need to be married to be socially accepted and the pressure to stay in bad marriages is gone. What I find to be truly remarkable is not that 50% of marriages end in divorce but that 50% don't.
There is hope for you if you can find a man who truly fits your expectations as a marriage partner and both of you are honest about those expectations up front. There is success in your future if you can be proud of who you are and what you have done in life regardless of you marital status.
Question: I am currently separated from my husband and although we talk every day it looks like we are headed toward divorce. I feel like such a failure. I was married twice before but there was a long gap between my second marriage and this one and I never thought this would happen. I know the word that comes to mind when I hear someone has been divorced three times, LOSER. Is there any hope for me?
Answer: The difference between winners and losers in life has nothing to do with the number of times a person gets married or divorced. It has everything to do with how we define victory.
My father's cousin stayed in a horrible marriage for 54 years because she thought it was her duty. It wasn't until her children came to her and encouraged her to stop putting up with the abuse that she realized that just staying married was not serving anyone.
There is a strong possibility that some of the attitudes and behaviors that you bring to your marriages, and probably all your relationships have contributed to your divorces. That does not make you a failure if staying married to any of these men would have required you to be unhealthy or suppress your values.
I would suggest you ask yourself what all these men have in common, what the problems in your romantic relationships, and your friendships tend to revolve around, and see if you can find some common themes. If you can you may want to work on those issues in counseling (yes my answer to just about any question includes a recommendation to explore counseling).
Going forward you must ask yourself what you really want out of a romantic relationship. If the man you are dating cannot provide all the things that you want and you are not going to be satisfied, don't marry him. This may seem obvious but many people get caught up in the momentum of a relationship and they get married not because they are a good fit but because they feel that is what they "should" do if they have been dating for a certain amount of time and they don't want to break up.
We live in a society where people get married and divorced at a dizzying rate. Women no longer need to be married to be socially accepted and the pressure to stay in bad marriages is gone. What I find to be truly remarkable is not that 50% of marriages end in divorce but that 50% don't.
There is hope for you if you can find a man who truly fits your expectations as a marriage partner and both of you are honest about those expectations up front. There is success in your future if you can be proud of who you are and what you have done in life regardless of you marital status.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Did I raise my son to be angry?
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: My teen aged son goes into a rage at least once a week and I'm starting to be afraid of him. His Father has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, but I wonder if the way he acts is more because of my ex-boyfriend who he watched be aggressive and violent toward me for years. My son used to be so sensitive and sweet and now I'm afraid that what I've exposed him to will be violent toward women.
Answer: This is not your fault. Thousands of young boys are exposed to domestic violence and they never become violent toward anyone. No matter what someone has experienced or how overwhelming their emotions are nothing can justify violent and aggressive behavior.
What is true is that young men who are raised in a home where there has been domestic violence are 400% more likely to be aggressive toward women than men who were not. When I went to the 40 hour domestic violence training offered by A Safe Place, (http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/ ) this summer that statistic blew my mind.
In general about 1 in 4 women will experience intimate partner violence at some time in their life but only 1 in 28 men will be perpetrators. What that tells us is the same men are making the rounds and abusing large numbers of women.
No Mother wants their son to be "that guy". No young man grows up wanting to become an abuser, in fact most vow they never will and in the aftermath of violence most abusers are sincere when they claim they regret their actions and vow to never do it again.
At this point what can you do? Explain your fears to your son. Do not accuse him of being a potential abuse perpetrator, just tell him how you love him and you are starting to fear him. Tell him that the way you see it he either can control his anger, or he can't. If he can then he needs to be responsible for his actions and not let his rage control him. If he can't he needs to get into counseling and more than likely on some medication.
99.9% of violent acts could be controlled by the perpetrator (even if they are under the influence of drugs and alcohol) if they had a strong enough fear of the consequence. A great example used in perpetrator training is to ask if there is any circumstance, no matter how high or drunk a person was, if they would eat a dog turd on a bun. The men always say that it would never ever ever happen. Why not? Because even when we are inebriated we know what we are doing.
.01% of the time a person has truly lost control and would act out violently even if there was a gun to their head. This means the person has a mental health disorder and needs treatment (even if they are healthy and normal the vast majority of the time) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the most commonly correlated mental health issue to this problem.
Part of you wants to be at fault for the way your son is acting because then you would know who to blame, and I get the feeling you are used to blaming yourself for things. It is something you are comfortable with even though you hate it. Sorry, it is not his Father's genetics or your love life decisions that are responsible for your son's actions. It is all up to him. As a Mother all you can do at this point is tell him how is actions impact you and the relationship you have with him. I doubt he is happy acting this way and together hopefully you can find him some counseling to get him to move toward a healthy adulthood.
Question: My teen aged son goes into a rage at least once a week and I'm starting to be afraid of him. His Father has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, but I wonder if the way he acts is more because of my ex-boyfriend who he watched be aggressive and violent toward me for years. My son used to be so sensitive and sweet and now I'm afraid that what I've exposed him to will be violent toward women.
Answer: This is not your fault. Thousands of young boys are exposed to domestic violence and they never become violent toward anyone. No matter what someone has experienced or how overwhelming their emotions are nothing can justify violent and aggressive behavior.
What is true is that young men who are raised in a home where there has been domestic violence are 400% more likely to be aggressive toward women than men who were not. When I went to the 40 hour domestic violence training offered by A Safe Place, (http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/ ) this summer that statistic blew my mind.
In general about 1 in 4 women will experience intimate partner violence at some time in their life but only 1 in 28 men will be perpetrators. What that tells us is the same men are making the rounds and abusing large numbers of women.
No Mother wants their son to be "that guy". No young man grows up wanting to become an abuser, in fact most vow they never will and in the aftermath of violence most abusers are sincere when they claim they regret their actions and vow to never do it again.
At this point what can you do? Explain your fears to your son. Do not accuse him of being a potential abuse perpetrator, just tell him how you love him and you are starting to fear him. Tell him that the way you see it he either can control his anger, or he can't. If he can then he needs to be responsible for his actions and not let his rage control him. If he can't he needs to get into counseling and more than likely on some medication.
99.9% of violent acts could be controlled by the perpetrator (even if they are under the influence of drugs and alcohol) if they had a strong enough fear of the consequence. A great example used in perpetrator training is to ask if there is any circumstance, no matter how high or drunk a person was, if they would eat a dog turd on a bun. The men always say that it would never ever ever happen. Why not? Because even when we are inebriated we know what we are doing.
.01% of the time a person has truly lost control and would act out violently even if there was a gun to their head. This means the person has a mental health disorder and needs treatment (even if they are healthy and normal the vast majority of the time) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the most commonly correlated mental health issue to this problem.
Part of you wants to be at fault for the way your son is acting because then you would know who to blame, and I get the feeling you are used to blaming yourself for things. It is something you are comfortable with even though you hate it. Sorry, it is not his Father's genetics or your love life decisions that are responsible for your son's actions. It is all up to him. As a Mother all you can do at this point is tell him how is actions impact you and the relationship you have with him. I doubt he is happy acting this way and together hopefully you can find him some counseling to get him to move toward a healthy adulthood.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
adoption open or closed?
Question: My wife and I are thinking of adopting but it seems so complicated. Is it better for kids to be from an open or closed adoption? While I think open sounds like the right thing I'm afraid the child would never feel like he or she was mine, just like they were on loan or something.
Answer: There is no right/wrong answer here so long as you are prepared to be a parent everyday for the rest of your life, love them unconditionally, and accept that there is a strong chance that your child will have emotional distress even if you are the perfect parent.
I have worked with just about every kind of adoption. Open, closed, grandparent adopting grandchild, kids from foreign lands from China to the Ukraine, there are as many different scenarios as there are children. What I have learned is no matter what kind of adoption or how loving the home, knowing that you have been given up for adoption leaves emotional scars and these kids are far more likely to need treatment for mental health issues than the population at large.
I think adoption is fantastic and if you want to adopt you should follow your impulse just don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to parent this child. Showing up and doing the best you can consistently is all we can ask of you.
For those who do not know some of these terms closed adoption is the traditional form where the child has no knowledge of or contact with their biological parents. At the age of 18 if the child wants and the parent is willing they can try to find each other. Pro's: the child only has one set of parents and they are more likely to assimilate more fully into the adoptive home. Also less chance that the Mother will back out last minute before the adoption occurs. Con's: The child has so many unanswered questions about why their parent gave them up and may internalize feelings of rejection. There also may be important family history or developmental/prenatal information that you have no access to. Example) was the infant substance exposed.
Open adoption is a process where the biological family stays involved in the life of the child to some degree. The amount of involvement is up to the adoptive family and the willingness of the biological parent to stay a part of the child's life. Pro's: the child can more fully process the reasons for the adoption and know useful and interesting information about the family of origin. Con's: Conflicts can arise between the adoptive and biological families about the amount of involvement. The child can feel even more rejected or resentful if the bio family does not choose to engage with them very often. The child may feel torn between two families.
Foreign adoption is a process that is increasingly common as there can be less of a wait time and there are so many children around the world in need of homes. Pro's: often less of a wait and less red tape. Con's: accurate information about the biological family is often sorely lacking. Many of these children are impacted by poor pre-natal care or deprivation of care in third world orphanages. The raising of children from another culture can lead to identity issues beyond adoption as the child grows older.
When a family realizes how complicated raising an adopted child can be they may want to shy away from the process altogether. I have found that adoptive parents often overcompensate and over indulge their children because they are so afraid that they might "screw up". Ironically the result of not giving these children consistent boundaries and the laid back love that most biological parents give their own children ends up increasing the child's insecurities.
At the end of the day whatever home you can give to a child you adopt will be better than where they were coming from if you fill it with love. There are consultants at organizations like The Cradle, which will be happy to help you determine which path is right for you and your family.
Parenting any child is not going to be easy, a child who is adopted adds an extra wrinkle but it is nothing you can't handle. If you and your wife are concerned about the complications of an open adoption then follow your instincts and no matter what happens if you let a child into your heart you may be exhausted but you will not be sorry.
Answer: There is no right/wrong answer here so long as you are prepared to be a parent everyday for the rest of your life, love them unconditionally, and accept that there is a strong chance that your child will have emotional distress even if you are the perfect parent.
I have worked with just about every kind of adoption. Open, closed, grandparent adopting grandchild, kids from foreign lands from China to the Ukraine, there are as many different scenarios as there are children. What I have learned is no matter what kind of adoption or how loving the home, knowing that you have been given up for adoption leaves emotional scars and these kids are far more likely to need treatment for mental health issues than the population at large.
I think adoption is fantastic and if you want to adopt you should follow your impulse just don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to parent this child. Showing up and doing the best you can consistently is all we can ask of you.
For those who do not know some of these terms closed adoption is the traditional form where the child has no knowledge of or contact with their biological parents. At the age of 18 if the child wants and the parent is willing they can try to find each other. Pro's: the child only has one set of parents and they are more likely to assimilate more fully into the adoptive home. Also less chance that the Mother will back out last minute before the adoption occurs. Con's: The child has so many unanswered questions about why their parent gave them up and may internalize feelings of rejection. There also may be important family history or developmental/prenatal information that you have no access to. Example) was the infant substance exposed.
Open adoption is a process where the biological family stays involved in the life of the child to some degree. The amount of involvement is up to the adoptive family and the willingness of the biological parent to stay a part of the child's life. Pro's: the child can more fully process the reasons for the adoption and know useful and interesting information about the family of origin. Con's: Conflicts can arise between the adoptive and biological families about the amount of involvement. The child can feel even more rejected or resentful if the bio family does not choose to engage with them very often. The child may feel torn between two families.
Foreign adoption is a process that is increasingly common as there can be less of a wait time and there are so many children around the world in need of homes. Pro's: often less of a wait and less red tape. Con's: accurate information about the biological family is often sorely lacking. Many of these children are impacted by poor pre-natal care or deprivation of care in third world orphanages. The raising of children from another culture can lead to identity issues beyond adoption as the child grows older.
When a family realizes how complicated raising an adopted child can be they may want to shy away from the process altogether. I have found that adoptive parents often overcompensate and over indulge their children because they are so afraid that they might "screw up". Ironically the result of not giving these children consistent boundaries and the laid back love that most biological parents give their own children ends up increasing the child's insecurities.
At the end of the day whatever home you can give to a child you adopt will be better than where they were coming from if you fill it with love. There are consultants at organizations like The Cradle, which will be happy to help you determine which path is right for you and your family.
Parenting any child is not going to be easy, a child who is adopted adds an extra wrinkle but it is nothing you can't handle. If you and your wife are concerned about the complications of an open adoption then follow your instincts and no matter what happens if you let a child into your heart you may be exhausted but you will not be sorry.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
relationship counseling for female friends?
(like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this website or on facebook. Have a question, send me an e-mail at Maigler@3rdcoastcoaching.org or daniel.maigler@live.com)
Question: My best friend and I have been each other's main support for over a decade. Recently I have been trying to make some healthy changes in my life and rather than support me she seems threatened. I have tried talking to her but it end up being a fight and the tension gets worse. I was crying to my fiance about it and he jokingly said she and I need relationship counseling. Do they have that for friends? I think we could really use it.
Answer: No, and Yes. You won't find friendship counseling in the yellow pages, but it would be my guess that 80% of therapists who see couples would agree to see female friends if they had a serious desire to work out issues and improve their relationship. I know I would.
There are two kinds of female friendships. There are the typical friends that you enjoy spending time with, look forward to seeing, that you can trust to talk to about some things. These are the kinds of friendships that men have. Then there is the other kind, the really deep friendship which is like a relationship without the sexual attraction. In these friendships two to three women really belong to one another, there is a bond and women are possessive of it and guard it as jealously as any romantic relationship.
We need a new word for these fryndships that have no parallel in the male world. It is to impress these frynds that women dress in a certain way (not for men), it is over these fryndships that 90% of the drama in the adolescent female world explodes. These are not the kind of relationships that are easily replaced.
If all this is true why don't we recognize the importance of fryndships and market things like relationship counsleing to maintain them? Our world and media (movies, television, even novels and "great literature") has been dominated by men who for the 10,000 years of civilized society have been genearlly uninterested and unaware of these relationshps. It is only very recently that the depth and intensity that female fryndships can achieve has been openly acknowledged (eg Sex in the City).
I have seen female frienships where the bond is stronger than marriage, stronger than family. I have seen the loss of these fryndships as major triggers to clinical depression. Your fiance joked about relationship counseling for you and your friend because male dominated society is ignorant of the true importance of such friendships, but you are not, and my guess is he was only half kidding.
Relationship counseling generally centers around trying to find out what the goals of each individual are, what the goals of the couple are, and see how the needs and desires of both can be met. It is not uncommon for people to discover in relationship counseling that they are better off apart than together, but at least they know they have made an honest effort to save what was a very important relationshp.
I would encourage you to not worry about what people think and instead do everything in your power to save a relationship that is so important to you. I suggest you write her a letter (or e-mail) telling her how important her friendship is and proposing that you find a therapist/mediator who can help you to get things back to where they were. Ideally a therapist will teach you how to communicate your needs and fears to one another openly and not let resentments build up.
Do not let pride and potential embarrasment prevent you from being the first girl on your block to try something new. At the end of the day you have only yourself, and hopefully your frynd, to answer to.
Question: My best friend and I have been each other's main support for over a decade. Recently I have been trying to make some healthy changes in my life and rather than support me she seems threatened. I have tried talking to her but it end up being a fight and the tension gets worse. I was crying to my fiance about it and he jokingly said she and I need relationship counseling. Do they have that for friends? I think we could really use it.
Answer: No, and Yes. You won't find friendship counseling in the yellow pages, but it would be my guess that 80% of therapists who see couples would agree to see female friends if they had a serious desire to work out issues and improve their relationship. I know I would.
There are two kinds of female friendships. There are the typical friends that you enjoy spending time with, look forward to seeing, that you can trust to talk to about some things. These are the kinds of friendships that men have. Then there is the other kind, the really deep friendship which is like a relationship without the sexual attraction. In these friendships two to three women really belong to one another, there is a bond and women are possessive of it and guard it as jealously as any romantic relationship.
We need a new word for these fryndships that have no parallel in the male world. It is to impress these frynds that women dress in a certain way (not for men), it is over these fryndships that 90% of the drama in the adolescent female world explodes. These are not the kind of relationships that are easily replaced.
If all this is true why don't we recognize the importance of fryndships and market things like relationship counsleing to maintain them? Our world and media (movies, television, even novels and "great literature") has been dominated by men who for the 10,000 years of civilized society have been genearlly uninterested and unaware of these relationshps. It is only very recently that the depth and intensity that female fryndships can achieve has been openly acknowledged (eg Sex in the City).
I have seen female frienships where the bond is stronger than marriage, stronger than family. I have seen the loss of these fryndships as major triggers to clinical depression. Your fiance joked about relationship counseling for you and your friend because male dominated society is ignorant of the true importance of such friendships, but you are not, and my guess is he was only half kidding.
Relationship counseling generally centers around trying to find out what the goals of each individual are, what the goals of the couple are, and see how the needs and desires of both can be met. It is not uncommon for people to discover in relationship counseling that they are better off apart than together, but at least they know they have made an honest effort to save what was a very important relationshp.
I would encourage you to not worry about what people think and instead do everything in your power to save a relationship that is so important to you. I suggest you write her a letter (or e-mail) telling her how important her friendship is and proposing that you find a therapist/mediator who can help you to get things back to where they were. Ideally a therapist will teach you how to communicate your needs and fears to one another openly and not let resentments build up.
Do not let pride and potential embarrasment prevent you from being the first girl on your block to try something new. At the end of the day you have only yourself, and hopefully your frynd, to answer to.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Is telling the truth the right thing to do?
(like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this website or on facebook. Have a question, send me an e-mail at Maigler@3rdcoastcoaching.org or daniel.maigler@live.com)
Question: My husband is a good man and a good father, but we have never had the explosive passion which I knew with an old flame. Recently I reconnected with him over facebook. He too is in a less than satisfying marriage that he is unwilling to leave. Should I tell my husband what I'm feeling? He has noticed that I'm not happy and I don't know what to say.
Answer: Truth is like a knife, it is neither good nor bad, it is a tool and whether it leads to good or ill results depends mostly upon the intention of the user.
Before we communicate anything to anyone we must consider the audience and ask ourselves what message we want them to take from the conversation.
If you don't consider the audience, then you are speaking (writing, singing, etc..) for your own benefit. So many people seek to unburden their own conscience and try to use their need to be honest as their excuse. If that truth is not meant to truly benefit the hearer then it is no kindness.
This is not to say I encourage lying, or even withholding the truth. I tell the truth 99% of the time because it is the fastest and most effective way to communicate. Lies, or withholding the truth take a great deal of effort and lead to distance between people which is usually unnecessary.
I am only telling you that telling the truth for it's own sake is not an automatic good thing. Even the 10 commandments are misunderstood in this regard. Most people quote an abbreviated commandment when they say "thou shalt not lie" the real commandment (depending upon translation) is closer to "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"
There is a subtle but important difference. The commandment is saying we should not lie for our own benefit and to the detriment of another. I think it might as well go on to say "Thou shalt not speak to promote thine own gain if it should cause another to come to harm."
It sounds to me like you might be looking to sabotage your relationship. You want the passion you felt in the past, if you can't have it with your wife or your old flame you want to find it somewhere, you do not want to grow old and die with regret and wonder at the love you might have found. Yet you fear your husband and your children will hate you. For you to do something as cruel and seemingly foolish as to destroy a stable, if flavorless, marriage you need to arm yourself with some moral justification. So you look to honesty as the fall guy.
I am not telling you that you should stay in your marriage. I'm not telling you that you should hold your feelings back from your husband. I am saying that before you open your mouth you damn well better figure out what you are hoping will happen or else I would accuse you of being cruel and irresponsible.
If you need help figuring out what you want, find a therapist. That is what we do. Perhaps you need marriage counseling, but I suspect that the problem is internal. Very rarely do I see questions like this from people who are excited about the rest of their life. Usually these feelings toward self/relationship sabotage come from people who are feeling down and are looking for a reason. Fixing the lack of passion on the inside seems a lot harder than blaming the job, the husband, the parents or kids.
Find your passion and your purpose in the rest of your life and when you know what you want and how you want to get there then be honest with your husband. I would be shocked if you find deeper meaning in your life and you don't notice an imporvement in your relationship satisfaction. When you decide to talk openly with your husband do it to illuminate both of your paths, not in the hope that he will cast you out and you will not have to feel guilty about the end of your marriage.
Question: My husband is a good man and a good father, but we have never had the explosive passion which I knew with an old flame. Recently I reconnected with him over facebook. He too is in a less than satisfying marriage that he is unwilling to leave. Should I tell my husband what I'm feeling? He has noticed that I'm not happy and I don't know what to say.
Answer: Truth is like a knife, it is neither good nor bad, it is a tool and whether it leads to good or ill results depends mostly upon the intention of the user.
Before we communicate anything to anyone we must consider the audience and ask ourselves what message we want them to take from the conversation.
If you don't consider the audience, then you are speaking (writing, singing, etc..) for your own benefit. So many people seek to unburden their own conscience and try to use their need to be honest as their excuse. If that truth is not meant to truly benefit the hearer then it is no kindness.
This is not to say I encourage lying, or even withholding the truth. I tell the truth 99% of the time because it is the fastest and most effective way to communicate. Lies, or withholding the truth take a great deal of effort and lead to distance between people which is usually unnecessary.
I am only telling you that telling the truth for it's own sake is not an automatic good thing. Even the 10 commandments are misunderstood in this regard. Most people quote an abbreviated commandment when they say "thou shalt not lie" the real commandment (depending upon translation) is closer to "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"
There is a subtle but important difference. The commandment is saying we should not lie for our own benefit and to the detriment of another. I think it might as well go on to say "Thou shalt not speak to promote thine own gain if it should cause another to come to harm."
It sounds to me like you might be looking to sabotage your relationship. You want the passion you felt in the past, if you can't have it with your wife or your old flame you want to find it somewhere, you do not want to grow old and die with regret and wonder at the love you might have found. Yet you fear your husband and your children will hate you. For you to do something as cruel and seemingly foolish as to destroy a stable, if flavorless, marriage you need to arm yourself with some moral justification. So you look to honesty as the fall guy.
I am not telling you that you should stay in your marriage. I'm not telling you that you should hold your feelings back from your husband. I am saying that before you open your mouth you damn well better figure out what you are hoping will happen or else I would accuse you of being cruel and irresponsible.
If you need help figuring out what you want, find a therapist. That is what we do. Perhaps you need marriage counseling, but I suspect that the problem is internal. Very rarely do I see questions like this from people who are excited about the rest of their life. Usually these feelings toward self/relationship sabotage come from people who are feeling down and are looking for a reason. Fixing the lack of passion on the inside seems a lot harder than blaming the job, the husband, the parents or kids.
Find your passion and your purpose in the rest of your life and when you know what you want and how you want to get there then be honest with your husband. I would be shocked if you find deeper meaning in your life and you don't notice an imporvement in your relationship satisfaction. When you decide to talk openly with your husband do it to illuminate both of your paths, not in the hope that he will cast you out and you will not have to feel guilty about the end of your marriage.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
enabling the love addict
(like the blog? please spread the word and sign up to follow it here or on facebook. Have a question? Send an e-mail to maigler@3rdcoastcoaching.org)
Question: My friend broke up with her boyfriend for, I kid you not, the 14th time since January! Every time she is a mess and I skip dates, or things I want to do to go and console her, and then no more than a week later they are back together. I want to be a good friend but I'm starting to resent her. What should I do?
Answer: Your friend is an addict and you are participating in and enabling her addiction by putting your life on hold for her melt downs. True friendship does not feed into an addiction it insists that your friend get into some counseling and work on her issues.
The real question is what are you getting out of this? You stand as the outsider of her relationship with her on again off again boyfriend, and clearly you can see it isn't healthy and she needs a change. Let me guess, she tells you, "but when things are good they are soooo good." I'm sure you just shake your head.
Let me ask you this, would an outsider looking at your relationship with her say the same things? Is your friendship great when things are good, when she isn't putting her boyfriend and her relationship needs ahead of you?
At the end of the day you put up with her BS the same reason she puts up with his, because an unhealthy relationship is better than being alone. When looking at her you can see she deserves to be treated better. The same is true for you.
We train people on how to treat us. What you show her by dropping everything when ever her life is a mess is that you feel that her life is more important than yours. Your friendship makes her feel good about herself. What reason does she have to stop abusing this relationship. A true friendship has balance. Give your friend a chance to be a real friend by treating yourself as well as you treat her, she may surprise you by understanding.
We all get the relationships we believe we deserve and that includes friendships. Next time she and Mr. NotSoRight break up you do not have to ignore her, but you do have to go on with your life. You have to tell her how much it hurts you to see her continual suffering and that she owes it to your friendship to seek counseling. You have the right to stop putting yourself through the turmoil and working harder than she is to keep her from suffering.
I know that what I'm saying is simple, but not easy. These things rarely are, but every relationship worth having requires work and sacrifice and friendship is certainly no exception.
Question: My friend broke up with her boyfriend for, I kid you not, the 14th time since January! Every time she is a mess and I skip dates, or things I want to do to go and console her, and then no more than a week later they are back together. I want to be a good friend but I'm starting to resent her. What should I do?
Answer: Your friend is an addict and you are participating in and enabling her addiction by putting your life on hold for her melt downs. True friendship does not feed into an addiction it insists that your friend get into some counseling and work on her issues.
The real question is what are you getting out of this? You stand as the outsider of her relationship with her on again off again boyfriend, and clearly you can see it isn't healthy and she needs a change. Let me guess, she tells you, "but when things are good they are soooo good." I'm sure you just shake your head.
Let me ask you this, would an outsider looking at your relationship with her say the same things? Is your friendship great when things are good, when she isn't putting her boyfriend and her relationship needs ahead of you?
At the end of the day you put up with her BS the same reason she puts up with his, because an unhealthy relationship is better than being alone. When looking at her you can see she deserves to be treated better. The same is true for you.
We train people on how to treat us. What you show her by dropping everything when ever her life is a mess is that you feel that her life is more important than yours. Your friendship makes her feel good about herself. What reason does she have to stop abusing this relationship. A true friendship has balance. Give your friend a chance to be a real friend by treating yourself as well as you treat her, she may surprise you by understanding.
We all get the relationships we believe we deserve and that includes friendships. Next time she and Mr. NotSoRight break up you do not have to ignore her, but you do have to go on with your life. You have to tell her how much it hurts you to see her continual suffering and that she owes it to your friendship to seek counseling. You have the right to stop putting yourself through the turmoil and working harder than she is to keep her from suffering.
I know that what I'm saying is simple, but not easy. These things rarely are, but every relationship worth having requires work and sacrifice and friendship is certainly no exception.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
no time for therapy
(like the blog? please spread the word and sign up to follow it here or on facebook. Have a question? Send an e-mail to maigler@3rdcoastcoaching.org)
Question: My wife is anxious, sad, and irritable much more often lately and I finally got her to agree that counseling might be a good idea, but she keeps saying she has no time for it. She is very busy with work and the kids. How can I help her find time for this.
Answer: Any person who claims lack of time is their main reason for not doing something is holding back their real reason. Lack of time is just an excuse. We make time for the things that are really important. Do you think anyone feels they have time for chemotherapy? How about dialysis? These things do not fit well into our schedules either and yet if someone tried to claim they did not have time to do something that would keep them alive we would have them institutionalized.
I am a very busy person and often I do not have time to work out. BS! While I am busy I could always choose to drop on the floor and do a few push ups and sit ups. Allowing myself to believe I am too busy keeps me safe from the guilt I would feel if I admitted my real reason; I don't want to work out. Even if I did want to I would rather do something else more, like sleep, eat, watch TV.... We all have priorities we all make choices. So why isn't becoming emotionally healthy at the top of everyone's priority list?
One of the best quotes I ever heard was that offering someone therapy is like giving them an aluminum ladder out of hell. It is horrible where you are but to take and grab on to something that is going to burn you is hard to get yourself to do.
There are two major threats that therapy brings with it: What if it doesn't work, and perhaps scarier, What if it does work?
What if it doesn't work: People like to have a plan of last resort. Like a "do not break glass in case of emergency" plan and they are afraid if they use the worst case scenario plan and it does not work they will have nothing, no hope at all. Often they will tell themselves that they will go to therapy if it gets "bad enough." And in the meantime they wait and suffer, enduring more damage by the day, needlessly. If therapy doesn't work they might have spent time, money, and exposed themselves to some weirdo who might judge them, or tell them to change things in their life that they can't or don't want to change. Going to a therapist represents a much bigger risk than most people realize, until they think about going themselves.
What if it does work: People often grow to count on their negative coping skills. Many self injurers call their behavior "their best friend." Gamblers often enjoy gambling. If therapy works they may not be able to do this thing they have counted on anymore. Most people are successful in many areas of their lives and part of them may believe that if they lose their suffering they may lose the vital ingredient that made them successful in the first place. "If I wasn't anxious maybe I would become a fat lazy slob and let everything fall apart."
Another danger of counseling success is the fear of regret. If we have been suffering for a long time we convince ourselves there is no solution. If it turns out that there was a solution and we did not need to be suffering we feel like fools for having wasted so much time. Many people would honestly rather continue to suffer than feel the pain of regret.
The idea that anyone cannot find an hour a week to make their emotional health a priority is ridiculous. Even if you do not live near any therapist there are counselors and life coaches who will work with you over the phone or over the Internet.
If you can give counseling one work week, 40 hours, and you are working with a therapist who is a good fit for you, it will change your life for the better. 40 sessions may seem like a lot, (and you should know if the therapist is a good fit for you in 4 sessions) but ask yourself how many hours it took to get to feeling the way you are. 4000? 40,000? An investment of one work week is a small price to pay to potentially make a change that can transform your life and the lives of those who care about you.
You cannot force your wife to make time for counselling. But you can tell her that watching her continue to suffer is very painful for you, find a way to get all of her extra jobs covered for that hour window once a week, so that not having time can no longer be her excuse.
Question: My wife is anxious, sad, and irritable much more often lately and I finally got her to agree that counseling might be a good idea, but she keeps saying she has no time for it. She is very busy with work and the kids. How can I help her find time for this.
Answer: Any person who claims lack of time is their main reason for not doing something is holding back their real reason. Lack of time is just an excuse. We make time for the things that are really important. Do you think anyone feels they have time for chemotherapy? How about dialysis? These things do not fit well into our schedules either and yet if someone tried to claim they did not have time to do something that would keep them alive we would have them institutionalized.
I am a very busy person and often I do not have time to work out. BS! While I am busy I could always choose to drop on the floor and do a few push ups and sit ups. Allowing myself to believe I am too busy keeps me safe from the guilt I would feel if I admitted my real reason; I don't want to work out. Even if I did want to I would rather do something else more, like sleep, eat, watch TV.... We all have priorities we all make choices. So why isn't becoming emotionally healthy at the top of everyone's priority list?
One of the best quotes I ever heard was that offering someone therapy is like giving them an aluminum ladder out of hell. It is horrible where you are but to take and grab on to something that is going to burn you is hard to get yourself to do.
There are two major threats that therapy brings with it: What if it doesn't work, and perhaps scarier, What if it does work?
What if it doesn't work: People like to have a plan of last resort. Like a "do not break glass in case of emergency" plan and they are afraid if they use the worst case scenario plan and it does not work they will have nothing, no hope at all. Often they will tell themselves that they will go to therapy if it gets "bad enough." And in the meantime they wait and suffer, enduring more damage by the day, needlessly. If therapy doesn't work they might have spent time, money, and exposed themselves to some weirdo who might judge them, or tell them to change things in their life that they can't or don't want to change. Going to a therapist represents a much bigger risk than most people realize, until they think about going themselves.
What if it does work: People often grow to count on their negative coping skills. Many self injurers call their behavior "their best friend." Gamblers often enjoy gambling. If therapy works they may not be able to do this thing they have counted on anymore. Most people are successful in many areas of their lives and part of them may believe that if they lose their suffering they may lose the vital ingredient that made them successful in the first place. "If I wasn't anxious maybe I would become a fat lazy slob and let everything fall apart."
Another danger of counseling success is the fear of regret. If we have been suffering for a long time we convince ourselves there is no solution. If it turns out that there was a solution and we did not need to be suffering we feel like fools for having wasted so much time. Many people would honestly rather continue to suffer than feel the pain of regret.
The idea that anyone cannot find an hour a week to make their emotional health a priority is ridiculous. Even if you do not live near any therapist there are counselors and life coaches who will work with you over the phone or over the Internet.
If you can give counseling one work week, 40 hours, and you are working with a therapist who is a good fit for you, it will change your life for the better. 40 sessions may seem like a lot, (and you should know if the therapist is a good fit for you in 4 sessions) but ask yourself how many hours it took to get to feeling the way you are. 4000? 40,000? An investment of one work week is a small price to pay to potentially make a change that can transform your life and the lives of those who care about you.
You cannot force your wife to make time for counselling. But you can tell her that watching her continue to suffer is very painful for you, find a way to get all of her extra jobs covered for that hour window once a week, so that not having time can no longer be her excuse.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
pregnant and on meds?
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I take medication to manage bi-polar disorder and I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm not sure yet what I want to do about it. I'm afraid to stop taking my meds because my hormones are making me a basket case and I'm afraid to keep taking my meds because of what it might be doing to the baby? What should I do?
Answer: You need to talk to a doctor ASAP!
When I was in graduate school I had a great professor who used to tell us, "when ever you are stuck between two choices and you are not sure what to do, what you need is more information, then one of the choices will become clear."
There are 4 places I would suggest you go for information. 1.) your psychiatrist. Who ever is prescribing you your medication for mental health symptom management hopefully knows you well and the two of you need to have a conversation about how to best balance your needs without creating a risk to your potential unborn child. Even if you decide to terminate the pregnancy it is important to communicate with anyone who helps support you because that will have a significant impact on your stress and hormone levels and consequently your emotions.
2.) Your OBGYN, hopefully you have one, if you don't you need to see one right away. I would like to tell you that all doctors are perfect and never make mistakes about drug interactions and potential impact on a fetus, but why risk it? Whatever your psychiatrist tells you, you also need to compare notes with a doctor who is an expert on fetal development. This decision is too important to just trust one source of information.
3.) The drug manufacturer. People think drug companies are all about making money and they will say anything to get people to buy their product. That is only half right, they like making money but they do not want to do anything to get themselves sued because that will cost them a lot more money. No one knows better than the drug company what the potential impact of a medication would be. E-mailing the drug company or going on their website and finding a phone number to call is a free way to get the most expert information on your medication.
4.) community agencies (ex planned parenthood) Many of my clients don't really know/trust their psychiatrist, don't have an OBGYN and would be too flustered to play around with a drug company website to try to find info. Community agencies will not have the drug information themselves but they will help you to find someone in your area that you can trust for a price you can afford.
BEWARE of Internet information! The Internet is fantastic, but there is generally no accountability for putting incorrect or out of date info up on a website. Using google or web MD is fine but do not let that be your only source. You need to talk to a real live person to help you review the options of your specific case and create the best plan for you.
Having a baby is an emotional roller coaster for any woman. A person dealing with schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc... can certainly find a way to go off their medication and manage their symptoms, if that is what they need to do for the health of their child. To do this successfully they need to find ways to reduce stress levels and increase their reliance on the supportive people in their life. If they are not in regular counseling they will probably need to start or increase the regularity of their visits. The key to symptom reduction is stress management and and with a good plan you and a baby can be stable and healthy until it is safe to begin taking medication again. Just don't try to do it on your own!
Question: I take medication to manage bi-polar disorder and I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm not sure yet what I want to do about it. I'm afraid to stop taking my meds because my hormones are making me a basket case and I'm afraid to keep taking my meds because of what it might be doing to the baby? What should I do?
Answer: You need to talk to a doctor ASAP!
When I was in graduate school I had a great professor who used to tell us, "when ever you are stuck between two choices and you are not sure what to do, what you need is more information, then one of the choices will become clear."
There are 4 places I would suggest you go for information. 1.) your psychiatrist. Who ever is prescribing you your medication for mental health symptom management hopefully knows you well and the two of you need to have a conversation about how to best balance your needs without creating a risk to your potential unborn child. Even if you decide to terminate the pregnancy it is important to communicate with anyone who helps support you because that will have a significant impact on your stress and hormone levels and consequently your emotions.
2.) Your OBGYN, hopefully you have one, if you don't you need to see one right away. I would like to tell you that all doctors are perfect and never make mistakes about drug interactions and potential impact on a fetus, but why risk it? Whatever your psychiatrist tells you, you also need to compare notes with a doctor who is an expert on fetal development. This decision is too important to just trust one source of information.
3.) The drug manufacturer. People think drug companies are all about making money and they will say anything to get people to buy their product. That is only half right, they like making money but they do not want to do anything to get themselves sued because that will cost them a lot more money. No one knows better than the drug company what the potential impact of a medication would be. E-mailing the drug company or going on their website and finding a phone number to call is a free way to get the most expert information on your medication.
4.) community agencies (ex planned parenthood) Many of my clients don't really know/trust their psychiatrist, don't have an OBGYN and would be too flustered to play around with a drug company website to try to find info. Community agencies will not have the drug information themselves but they will help you to find someone in your area that you can trust for a price you can afford.
BEWARE of Internet information! The Internet is fantastic, but there is generally no accountability for putting incorrect or out of date info up on a website. Using google or web MD is fine but do not let that be your only source. You need to talk to a real live person to help you review the options of your specific case and create the best plan for you.
Having a baby is an emotional roller coaster for any woman. A person dealing with schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc... can certainly find a way to go off their medication and manage their symptoms, if that is what they need to do for the health of their child. To do this successfully they need to find ways to reduce stress levels and increase their reliance on the supportive people in their life. If they are not in regular counseling they will probably need to start or increase the regularity of their visits. The key to symptom reduction is stress management and and with a good plan you and a baby can be stable and healthy until it is safe to begin taking medication again. Just don't try to do it on your own!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
ambushed by emotions
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I was hanging out with friends, everything was going great, suddenly I felt like crying. Sometimes I get ambushed by my emotions when there is no trigger. What the hell is going on with me.
Answer: Two possibilities, unfrozen computer or petrified of success:
Unfrozen Computer: When we go through an emotional trauma the chemical computer, which we call our brain, shuts down in order to save as many of it's circuits as possible. Like if your house got hit by lightening your computer would lose some stuff but it would try to shut down as many programs as possible to keep them from getting fried.
Over time we boot things back up and most of the programs are running fine but damage has been done. 6 months or a year later we are working on a spreadsheet and suddenly everything freezes. How could this be related to an Internet virus from the summer? Computers are weird things and the way one event connects to another is hard to explain. Sometimes after a nasty knock on the head a person might start smelling pears, why are they related? Ask a neurologist, I don't know, but I know it happens.
So if you are feeling nasty emotions with no external stimuli this could be part of your brain thawing from an older trauma. You are noticing now because your life has settled down enough that you can. This may also happen with positive emotions but we don't bother to complain when we are suddenly happy for no good reason.
Petrified of success. Have you ever known someone who freaked out when they were in a great relationship and sabotaged it because they were afraid they were going to get dumped. We don't just do this in relationships. If we have had more than our fair share of crappy things happen to us in our lives we might start to get real antsy when things are going too well.
When I tried to learn to snow board as soon as I started picking up speed I would purposefully fall down so that when I did crash it wouldn't hurt too much. Being clumsy by nature my past experiences led me to believe that I would fall and it would be painful. That attitude got me a lot of bruises and a fear of snowboarding, I never hung on long enough to simply enjoy the rush of the motion.
If you are ambushed by emotion the first step is to look for patterns. Is it truly random or is it every time you are having a wonderful day and... If there is a pattern we look for a fear that might be connected with it. If there is no pattern then it may be an emotional thaw going on and we look for a way to reverse our momentum and not let that bad feeling ruin the rest of our day.
Feelings don't always make sense, that is what keeps us from being robots and makes life so exciting. If, however you get ambushed by nasty emotions and you are sick of it, talk to a therapist and work it out together.
Question: I was hanging out with friends, everything was going great, suddenly I felt like crying. Sometimes I get ambushed by my emotions when there is no trigger. What the hell is going on with me.
Answer: Two possibilities, unfrozen computer or petrified of success:
Unfrozen Computer: When we go through an emotional trauma the chemical computer, which we call our brain, shuts down in order to save as many of it's circuits as possible. Like if your house got hit by lightening your computer would lose some stuff but it would try to shut down as many programs as possible to keep them from getting fried.
Over time we boot things back up and most of the programs are running fine but damage has been done. 6 months or a year later we are working on a spreadsheet and suddenly everything freezes. How could this be related to an Internet virus from the summer? Computers are weird things and the way one event connects to another is hard to explain. Sometimes after a nasty knock on the head a person might start smelling pears, why are they related? Ask a neurologist, I don't know, but I know it happens.
So if you are feeling nasty emotions with no external stimuli this could be part of your brain thawing from an older trauma. You are noticing now because your life has settled down enough that you can. This may also happen with positive emotions but we don't bother to complain when we are suddenly happy for no good reason.
Petrified of success. Have you ever known someone who freaked out when they were in a great relationship and sabotaged it because they were afraid they were going to get dumped. We don't just do this in relationships. If we have had more than our fair share of crappy things happen to us in our lives we might start to get real antsy when things are going too well.
When I tried to learn to snow board as soon as I started picking up speed I would purposefully fall down so that when I did crash it wouldn't hurt too much. Being clumsy by nature my past experiences led me to believe that I would fall and it would be painful. That attitude got me a lot of bruises and a fear of snowboarding, I never hung on long enough to simply enjoy the rush of the motion.
If you are ambushed by emotion the first step is to look for patterns. Is it truly random or is it every time you are having a wonderful day and... If there is a pattern we look for a fear that might be connected with it. If there is no pattern then it may be an emotional thaw going on and we look for a way to reverse our momentum and not let that bad feeling ruin the rest of our day.
Feelings don't always make sense, that is what keeps us from being robots and makes life so exciting. If, however you get ambushed by nasty emotions and you are sick of it, talk to a therapist and work it out together.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Advice for college
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I'm about to leave for college, but I'm nervous that maybe I picked the wrong school. How do I know?
Answer: There is no such thing as a "bad school" and the quality of your experience will depend entirely on your expectations and attitude.
Nationally about 50% of college freshmen will not return for their sophomore year. Kids and parents spend so much time worrying about getting in to a "good school" that they forget the more important point, which is finding a school you will want to stay at until you graduate.
In Illinois 75% of high school graduates will go on to some form of post high school education but only 25% will get a bachelors degree. Granted many of these people never intended to get a bachelors degree, they were working toward an associates or certification. None the less we must ask the question why do so many students "fail out" of school?
I think it has a great deal to do with the stories people tell themselves about what college will be like. Two myths: 1.) it is a giant party all the time 2.) it is much harder than high school
The first myth leads kids to try to create the image they have seen in the movies. They party, they skip classes, they procrastinate to pull the stereotypical all nighter, and they fail classes.
The second myth leads back to the first. College is really not that hard. Once you have been accepted to an institution if you show up to every class and turn all your work in on time you will graduate. Outside of community colleges, institutions of higher education do not accept students who do not have the academic potential of doing the work they will see at that school. That would a bad business plan. Once students realize it is not that hard they go back to myth one.
The biggest problem is that most students never stop to ask themselves what they really wanted to get out of their college experience. Many will say "a good job" but they usually do not know how to define that and they fail to realize that even the Ivy League schools cannot guarantee a lucrative job upon graduation.
It always amuses me when students claim they could not go to a small school because they want to meet more people. No matter what size college you attend you only get 24 hours in a day. No person has room in their life for more than a dozen close friends, and even that would be extreme. The smallest colleges usually have at least a couple hundred people. Therefore your social experience is not limited by the size of your school but by the size of your imagination.
There is nothing wrong with transferring schools if you think you find a place that is a better fit, but before you go just be sure you know what you are hoping to get from that place. You cannot get what you want unless you know what you want, and those who fail to ask themselves this question are doomed to be disappointed.
Your school is going to be fantastic if you bring enthusiasm, and you don't wait back for the amazing experiences to find you, but you decide what you want and go after it.
Question: I'm about to leave for college, but I'm nervous that maybe I picked the wrong school. How do I know?
Answer: There is no such thing as a "bad school" and the quality of your experience will depend entirely on your expectations and attitude.
Nationally about 50% of college freshmen will not return for their sophomore year. Kids and parents spend so much time worrying about getting in to a "good school" that they forget the more important point, which is finding a school you will want to stay at until you graduate.
In Illinois 75% of high school graduates will go on to some form of post high school education but only 25% will get a bachelors degree. Granted many of these people never intended to get a bachelors degree, they were working toward an associates or certification. None the less we must ask the question why do so many students "fail out" of school?
I think it has a great deal to do with the stories people tell themselves about what college will be like. Two myths: 1.) it is a giant party all the time 2.) it is much harder than high school
The first myth leads kids to try to create the image they have seen in the movies. They party, they skip classes, they procrastinate to pull the stereotypical all nighter, and they fail classes.
The second myth leads back to the first. College is really not that hard. Once you have been accepted to an institution if you show up to every class and turn all your work in on time you will graduate. Outside of community colleges, institutions of higher education do not accept students who do not have the academic potential of doing the work they will see at that school. That would a bad business plan. Once students realize it is not that hard they go back to myth one.
The biggest problem is that most students never stop to ask themselves what they really wanted to get out of their college experience. Many will say "a good job" but they usually do not know how to define that and they fail to realize that even the Ivy League schools cannot guarantee a lucrative job upon graduation.
It always amuses me when students claim they could not go to a small school because they want to meet more people. No matter what size college you attend you only get 24 hours in a day. No person has room in their life for more than a dozen close friends, and even that would be extreme. The smallest colleges usually have at least a couple hundred people. Therefore your social experience is not limited by the size of your school but by the size of your imagination.
There is nothing wrong with transferring schools if you think you find a place that is a better fit, but before you go just be sure you know what you are hoping to get from that place. You cannot get what you want unless you know what you want, and those who fail to ask themselves this question are doomed to be disappointed.
Your school is going to be fantastic if you bring enthusiasm, and you don't wait back for the amazing experiences to find you, but you decide what you want and go after it.
just drinking a lot or drinking problem?
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: recently my husband has been drinking more and seems to try to hide it. He still seems to be functioning fine. I know he's not an alcoholic, but how do I know when to be concerned that this has become a drinking problem.
Answer: A person has a drinking problem when drinking leads to problems in their life. That answer is so simple that it may seem like I'm being facetious, I'm not.
Often people get lost in the details of semantics and word choice. What is the cut off between alcoholic and heavy drinker or eating disorder and disordered eating? To me at the end of the day when a person engages in any behavior that impairs their functioning, places stress on their relationships, is detrimental to their health, significantly impacts their finances, or any combination of these things, and yet they continue doing it, they have a problem.
I had a friend in college who had a B+ average. He went to class, had good relationships with people, stayed in shape, but two out of every three times he drank alcohol he would get in a fist fight or destroy property. Was he an alcoholic? Absolutely not. Did he have a drinking problem, YES. Fortunately after we talked to him he agreed and stopped drinking.
If your husband seems to be hiding his behavior you should absolutely be concerned about it because that means that he is. A rule of thumb for therapists is if you are afraid to tell your supervisor what you did you know you did something wrong. I think that maxim holds true for everyone.
There are two kinds of substance use, recreational and medicinal. When we use a substance in a social setting to enhance our experience and reduce our inhibitions this is recreational use. It may never be wise but at least this is usually the intended purpose of the substance. When we use any substance to change the way we are feeling, we are using it as a medicine. Any time we use "medicine", even those prescribed by a doctor, to get an effect that they were not designed for we are heading down a dangerous road.
For example if I have a headache from the stress of work and I decide to fix myself a cocktail to get rid of it I am using alcohol as a medicine. This can easily lead to a pattern where I increase my consumption as my stress increases and before long I have done damage to my body, my mind, and/or my relationships.
If you are concerned about your husband express it. Anytime we are afraid to bring a topic up with someone that is an indicator that we need to. Expect him to be defensive and counter that by pointing out your fears and ask that he merely look at it from your point of view. Hopefully he will decrease his consumption and replace alcohol with some far more healthy stress reliever.
Question: recently my husband has been drinking more and seems to try to hide it. He still seems to be functioning fine. I know he's not an alcoholic, but how do I know when to be concerned that this has become a drinking problem.
Answer: A person has a drinking problem when drinking leads to problems in their life. That answer is so simple that it may seem like I'm being facetious, I'm not.
Often people get lost in the details of semantics and word choice. What is the cut off between alcoholic and heavy drinker or eating disorder and disordered eating? To me at the end of the day when a person engages in any behavior that impairs their functioning, places stress on their relationships, is detrimental to their health, significantly impacts their finances, or any combination of these things, and yet they continue doing it, they have a problem.
I had a friend in college who had a B+ average. He went to class, had good relationships with people, stayed in shape, but two out of every three times he drank alcohol he would get in a fist fight or destroy property. Was he an alcoholic? Absolutely not. Did he have a drinking problem, YES. Fortunately after we talked to him he agreed and stopped drinking.
If your husband seems to be hiding his behavior you should absolutely be concerned about it because that means that he is. A rule of thumb for therapists is if you are afraid to tell your supervisor what you did you know you did something wrong. I think that maxim holds true for everyone.
There are two kinds of substance use, recreational and medicinal. When we use a substance in a social setting to enhance our experience and reduce our inhibitions this is recreational use. It may never be wise but at least this is usually the intended purpose of the substance. When we use any substance to change the way we are feeling, we are using it as a medicine. Any time we use "medicine", even those prescribed by a doctor, to get an effect that they were not designed for we are heading down a dangerous road.
For example if I have a headache from the stress of work and I decide to fix myself a cocktail to get rid of it I am using alcohol as a medicine. This can easily lead to a pattern where I increase my consumption as my stress increases and before long I have done damage to my body, my mind, and/or my relationships.
If you are concerned about your husband express it. Anytime we are afraid to bring a topic up with someone that is an indicator that we need to. Expect him to be defensive and counter that by pointing out your fears and ask that he merely look at it from your point of view. Hopefully he will decrease his consumption and replace alcohol with some far more healthy stress reliever.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
how do I tell my kids Grandpa died?
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I have kids ranging from 5-17. Their Grandpa just died and I don't know what to say to them. Any suggestions?
Answer: Before we begin any project, or conversation we must ask ourselves two questions: What do I want? and What am I afraid of?
First you must ask yourself how you are hoping they will feel and understand after you are done talking with them. Usually with the death of a grandparent we are hoping our children will understand what has happened and will feel sad but supported and connected with the family.
We are often afraid that the way we reveal this information will be traumatizing to them, that they will withdraw, or in the case of the 5 year old, that they will not understand and will ask a number of questions we do not know how to answer. We may also be concerned that they will end up having nightmares or fears about death.
In order to both get what you want and avoid what you are afraid of you must anticipate their questions and be ready to answer them honestly. You must know what YOU believe happens after death and be ready to frame that in terms that are as positive as possible.
Children take their cues on whether or not they should be scared of something by watching their adult models. Unfortunately many adults are terrified to even think about death, or as Irvin Yalom terms it "stare into the sun."
People tend to face death and heal from it far more quickly if there are traditions and routines surrounding death that make it feel like it is part of a predictable process. Sitting your children down and explaining that Grandpa died, this is how I am feeling, and this is what is going to happen, makes them feel like things are under control.
Younger children will often begin to fear that their parents, or they themselves will die. It is good to reassure them before hand that this is very unlikely to happen for all the logical reasons you can think of. DO NOT LIE and assure them that you will not die because you are too young. You cannot promise this and it can make things complicated should a young person die in your life later on.
Let them know that death does not happen because God is mad, or people are bad. Remember that when you are 5 you really cannot process major abstract concepts and so they will seek to relate everything to what they can understand, everything being about them.
Religious beliefs often help people to process that there is a purpose to life and death so if you have these beliefs this is an important time to share them with your children. If you are filled with existential angst now is a time for framing the positives of what you do know, not sharing your dread.
One explanation that I have found useful is to talk of death as going to ones 4th life. I say, "The first parts of you entered life as two pieces, one from mommy and one from daddy, but they were both you and that was your first life. When those pieces found each other they became one and your first life ended and your second life began in your mommy's tummy. You lived there for 10 months and her tummy was your whole world, you don't remember but when the time came to leave it you were very scared. Your second life ended and you were born into your third life, and I bet you are glad you are here right? You had to spend time getting ready in your mommy's tummy so you would have all the things you needed in this world, although at the time you didn't know what your fingers and toes or even your mouth was for. Grandpa has been born now into his fourth life. We don't know what it will be like, but when I think about how much better this life is than being living in some body's tummy, I think it could be pretty amazing. Still we can't go to early because we wouldn't be ready. So we live in this life and we love one another and when we are ready we let go of this life and we go on to what is next. "
No matter what you say, communicate that death is not to be feared, but it is still okay to feel the loss of the person in your life and make time to talk about feelings and remember that person regularly as a family. The grieving process may take years, and that is okay, but the more you model allowing your feelings to come and sharing those feelings the faster you and your children will move to true acceptance.
Question: I have kids ranging from 5-17. Their Grandpa just died and I don't know what to say to them. Any suggestions?
Answer: Before we begin any project, or conversation we must ask ourselves two questions: What do I want? and What am I afraid of?
First you must ask yourself how you are hoping they will feel and understand after you are done talking with them. Usually with the death of a grandparent we are hoping our children will understand what has happened and will feel sad but supported and connected with the family.
We are often afraid that the way we reveal this information will be traumatizing to them, that they will withdraw, or in the case of the 5 year old, that they will not understand and will ask a number of questions we do not know how to answer. We may also be concerned that they will end up having nightmares or fears about death.
In order to both get what you want and avoid what you are afraid of you must anticipate their questions and be ready to answer them honestly. You must know what YOU believe happens after death and be ready to frame that in terms that are as positive as possible.
Children take their cues on whether or not they should be scared of something by watching their adult models. Unfortunately many adults are terrified to even think about death, or as Irvin Yalom terms it "stare into the sun."
People tend to face death and heal from it far more quickly if there are traditions and routines surrounding death that make it feel like it is part of a predictable process. Sitting your children down and explaining that Grandpa died, this is how I am feeling, and this is what is going to happen, makes them feel like things are under control.
Younger children will often begin to fear that their parents, or they themselves will die. It is good to reassure them before hand that this is very unlikely to happen for all the logical reasons you can think of. DO NOT LIE and assure them that you will not die because you are too young. You cannot promise this and it can make things complicated should a young person die in your life later on.
Let them know that death does not happen because God is mad, or people are bad. Remember that when you are 5 you really cannot process major abstract concepts and so they will seek to relate everything to what they can understand, everything being about them.
Religious beliefs often help people to process that there is a purpose to life and death so if you have these beliefs this is an important time to share them with your children. If you are filled with existential angst now is a time for framing the positives of what you do know, not sharing your dread.
One explanation that I have found useful is to talk of death as going to ones 4th life. I say, "The first parts of you entered life as two pieces, one from mommy and one from daddy, but they were both you and that was your first life. When those pieces found each other they became one and your first life ended and your second life began in your mommy's tummy. You lived there for 10 months and her tummy was your whole world, you don't remember but when the time came to leave it you were very scared. Your second life ended and you were born into your third life, and I bet you are glad you are here right? You had to spend time getting ready in your mommy's tummy so you would have all the things you needed in this world, although at the time you didn't know what your fingers and toes or even your mouth was for. Grandpa has been born now into his fourth life. We don't know what it will be like, but when I think about how much better this life is than being living in some body's tummy, I think it could be pretty amazing. Still we can't go to early because we wouldn't be ready. So we live in this life and we love one another and when we are ready we let go of this life and we go on to what is next. "
No matter what you say, communicate that death is not to be feared, but it is still okay to feel the loss of the person in your life and make time to talk about feelings and remember that person regularly as a family. The grieving process may take years, and that is okay, but the more you model allowing your feelings to come and sharing those feelings the faster you and your children will move to true acceptance.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
why can't life be fair?
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: Why is life so unfair. A friend of the family, a beautiful person, is dying of cancer. She doesn't deserve this. What is the point of life if bad things keep happening to good people.
Answer: I always tell my clients that fair died with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, horrible crash, very sad. As long as we pine for fairness it allows us to play the role of victim. Injustice has happened to me and I want restitution! Tough. Life does not work that way and the faster we accept that the faster we move on toward getting the best life we can have.
Some people misunderstand fair to begin with. They think fair is everyone getting the same deal. That isn't fair, because everyone doesn't want or need the same thing. This is one of the big reasons why Communism didn't work, it was kinda fair (in theory), but it sucked for everyone.
Even if you understand fair to mean each person gets what they need or what they deserve it takes a 30 second glance at any newspaper to see, this life isn't anything close to fair. They could rename the continent of Africa as Unfair-land, because I don't know who there is getting a fair deal.
We teach children the concept of fair because it puts them on the path to be best human beings can become. Think about a time when you acted fairly, and you didn't have to. That was when you were truly at your best, but it was far from normal. It was beautiful, it is what we should all strive to become, but it is not the natural order of things.
So we should still teach our children to strive for fairness, equality, decency, kindness, justice and everything else that word represents, but we should stop hoping it will be as solid and constant as gravity.
Instead let us realize that life is so much better because it is not fair. If life were fair then you would spend all your days trapped trying to earn the gifts of your birth. You were born in America with no death squads around so poof you can never have a puppy, that would be fair.
We live in a world without fair, without limits. Because life isn't fair it is up to you to go and get what you want and you can fill your life with as much joy or sorrow as you can carry. The scales never have to balance. Don't wish for life to be fair, wish for it to be full. It sounds like the friend of the family's life was more full than most people's. She got less years but she got more life. Maybe life is kinda fair after all.
Question: Why is life so unfair. A friend of the family, a beautiful person, is dying of cancer. She doesn't deserve this. What is the point of life if bad things keep happening to good people.
Answer: I always tell my clients that fair died with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, horrible crash, very sad. As long as we pine for fairness it allows us to play the role of victim. Injustice has happened to me and I want restitution! Tough. Life does not work that way and the faster we accept that the faster we move on toward getting the best life we can have.
Some people misunderstand fair to begin with. They think fair is everyone getting the same deal. That isn't fair, because everyone doesn't want or need the same thing. This is one of the big reasons why Communism didn't work, it was kinda fair (in theory), but it sucked for everyone.
Even if you understand fair to mean each person gets what they need or what they deserve it takes a 30 second glance at any newspaper to see, this life isn't anything close to fair. They could rename the continent of Africa as Unfair-land, because I don't know who there is getting a fair deal.
We teach children the concept of fair because it puts them on the path to be best human beings can become. Think about a time when you acted fairly, and you didn't have to. That was when you were truly at your best, but it was far from normal. It was beautiful, it is what we should all strive to become, but it is not the natural order of things.
So we should still teach our children to strive for fairness, equality, decency, kindness, justice and everything else that word represents, but we should stop hoping it will be as solid and constant as gravity.
Instead let us realize that life is so much better because it is not fair. If life were fair then you would spend all your days trapped trying to earn the gifts of your birth. You were born in America with no death squads around so poof you can never have a puppy, that would be fair.
We live in a world without fair, without limits. Because life isn't fair it is up to you to go and get what you want and you can fill your life with as much joy or sorrow as you can carry. The scales never have to balance. Don't wish for life to be fair, wish for it to be full. It sounds like the friend of the family's life was more full than most people's. She got less years but she got more life. Maybe life is kinda fair after all.
married to a cheater
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: My wife and I are separated and I have been trying my hardest to save our marriage. Recently I found out there is another guy. Is there any chance for us? How do marriages survive when someone cheats?
Answer: There is always a chance that any relationship can survive, but there is almost no chance this marriage will ever return to a healthy relationship filled with trust. The question is are you sure you still want it?
Infidelity is extremely common especially among men whose peers support it or who at least feel they will not ostracized in their community if they are caught. Many of these men have compartmentalized sex and love. They love their wife BUT: they have not been having sex in awhile, they don't want to ask their wife to do kinky things, they saw an opportunity they just could not pass up, they didn't think anyone would get hurt.... At the end of the day they rationalize it to say “it was just sex” and often “it will never happen again”
Men cheating is usually a response to external stimuli, paired with an internal ability to rationalize, women cheating is more often a response to an internal feeling and may often be in reaction to the relationship itself.
A woman is in a marriage and is feeling: bored, lonely, isolated, ignored, trapped, powerless, angry, unattractive, scorned... She remembers that when she used to feel this way she was able to change how she was feeling by... cutting her hair short. She tries that, it doesn't work, so she tries finding a new guy to fill her with life and energy. If she is mad at her husband it may have the added benefit pissing him off. It may also be her way of escaping from the relationship by blowing it up.
This does not imply it is the husband's fault for neglecting his wife's needs. She had the option of saying something and if that didn't work she had the option of leaving, she made the choice to deal with her feelings in this way.
The response depends upon your view of marriage. If you see your spouse as a partner for raising children, a travel buddy, and you don't really care who they share their genitals with, infidelity does not represent much of a threat, as long as they do not become too open and socially embarrass you.
We will call this the French position, where men having mistresses is more acceptable than not knowing a proper wine pairing. Your spouse is a partner like a business relationship, you can even be good pals, but sex and intimacy do not need to be a part of your partnership.
If however, your view of marriage is about closeness and intimacy, if you believe your partner is supposed to be your best friend, then your relationship is shattered and it is almost impossible to get that back. The problem is no matter how “legit” the excuse was for one partner cheating, you will never be able to trust that they won't do it again.
The cheater will also be suspicious of you because they will think you want revenge, and maybe you will. Now instead of an environment of love, support and trust the marriage has the feeling of a spy novel.
The hard part is when you still love the person. They f@#$%@ up and you get hurt and lose your marriage and your friendship. That sucks! What makes it even harder is wonderful people do really crappy things. So if you want to fix it and work at it you are not crazy and you are not stupid, but know it is going to be a long hard road and you need to seek marriage counseling to even have a chance.
Also know there is someone out there for you who would never be selfish enough to risk losing your love.
Question: My wife and I are separated and I have been trying my hardest to save our marriage. Recently I found out there is another guy. Is there any chance for us? How do marriages survive when someone cheats?
Answer: There is always a chance that any relationship can survive, but there is almost no chance this marriage will ever return to a healthy relationship filled with trust. The question is are you sure you still want it?
Infidelity is extremely common especially among men whose peers support it or who at least feel they will not ostracized in their community if they are caught. Many of these men have compartmentalized sex and love. They love their wife BUT: they have not been having sex in awhile, they don't want to ask their wife to do kinky things, they saw an opportunity they just could not pass up, they didn't think anyone would get hurt.... At the end of the day they rationalize it to say “it was just sex” and often “it will never happen again”
Men cheating is usually a response to external stimuli, paired with an internal ability to rationalize, women cheating is more often a response to an internal feeling and may often be in reaction to the relationship itself.
A woman is in a marriage and is feeling: bored, lonely, isolated, ignored, trapped, powerless, angry, unattractive, scorned... She remembers that when she used to feel this way she was able to change how she was feeling by... cutting her hair short. She tries that, it doesn't work, so she tries finding a new guy to fill her with life and energy. If she is mad at her husband it may have the added benefit pissing him off. It may also be her way of escaping from the relationship by blowing it up.
This does not imply it is the husband's fault for neglecting his wife's needs. She had the option of saying something and if that didn't work she had the option of leaving, she made the choice to deal with her feelings in this way.
The response depends upon your view of marriage. If you see your spouse as a partner for raising children, a travel buddy, and you don't really care who they share their genitals with, infidelity does not represent much of a threat, as long as they do not become too open and socially embarrass you.
We will call this the French position, where men having mistresses is more acceptable than not knowing a proper wine pairing. Your spouse is a partner like a business relationship, you can even be good pals, but sex and intimacy do not need to be a part of your partnership.
If however, your view of marriage is about closeness and intimacy, if you believe your partner is supposed to be your best friend, then your relationship is shattered and it is almost impossible to get that back. The problem is no matter how “legit” the excuse was for one partner cheating, you will never be able to trust that they won't do it again.
The cheater will also be suspicious of you because they will think you want revenge, and maybe you will. Now instead of an environment of love, support and trust the marriage has the feeling of a spy novel.
The hard part is when you still love the person. They f@#$%@ up and you get hurt and lose your marriage and your friendship. That sucks! What makes it even harder is wonderful people do really crappy things. So if you want to fix it and work at it you are not crazy and you are not stupid, but know it is going to be a long hard road and you need to seek marriage counseling to even have a chance.
Also know there is someone out there for you who would never be selfish enough to risk losing your love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
