Friday, November 27, 2009
how do normal people find friends?
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Saturday, November 21, 2009
dealing with anxiety attacks
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Question: I get these anxiety attacks and I just can't stop thinking. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes it even happens when I'm driving, once I had to pull over. I feel my heart racing and I feel like the whole world is closing in on me. I hate it. Still I don't want to take any medication, I don't want to feel like I am dependent on something. What can I do?
Answer: Before we remove something we need to figure out what its function is. Instead of just eliminating this anxiety we need to figure out what they are doing for you. Then we teach you to bring your anxiety down to a level that is useful without being debilitating or even really annoying.
If we remember one of the key Maigler assumptions: all feelings have a function in helping us to survive, then we must ask what could this anxiety be doing for you? Chances are it is preventing you from relaxing and letting your guard down. If you have more anxiety than seems appropriate for the situation it suggests that you don't trust yourself spot dangers.
I would guess that in your past you have been surprised by something awful and you would do anything to never be shocked with a negative like that again. That means these anxiety attacks are something that you are choosing because you would rather live with them than the fear of emotional ambush. The bad news is there is no safe place from emotional ambush. The good news is since they hyper vigilance you get from anxiety isn't really helping you anyway we lose nothing but reducing it.
But why, you may ask, are you having anxiety attacks when the trigger is as trivial as how clean the house is before Thanksgiving, or that presentation to your Spanish class, or if your boyfriend's sister hates you?
We worry about these more trivial issues because the big issues that really produce our fear seem impossible to deal with. If we tried to answer the questions: will anyone ever love me for me, or what is my purpose on earth, do I deserve to be happy? We would not be able to get down to firm yes or no answers, and the ambiguity is scary. If I instead freak myself out about whether or not everyone will like the pasta sauce I made, and I end up with negative results, I can probably survive that.
So what do we do about it? Step 1: in the middle of an anxiety attack control your breathing, there are many great techniques for that, pick any one that works for you. I know, I know deep breaths, it sounds like such a cliche. Well it is a cliche for a reason, it works. That anxiety attack is chemical in nature and a faucet of of adrenaline is rushing to your heart. We turn off the flow by slowing your breathing which will in turn slow your heart rate, and send a signal to your brain that you have things under control.
Step 2: remind yourself that you will get through this, and it is not life threatening. It may sound silly but eventually anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks, where people believe they are going to die. One key is remembering that you have survived this before and you will be fine.
Step 3: focus on something else: If you can call someone you like and ask them to talk to you about THEIR life, not your anxiety. If it is late and you cannot get anyone else guided visualizations (aka day dreaming about something pleasant or soothing) can work.
Step 4: start dealing with the REAL issue. whether it be in therapy or through journaling or artwork devote some time to thinking about the fear that is producing the anxiety. Not the surface trigger issue, but the real issue. If you are not sure what that is, start working with a therapist. But the point is unless you do this anxiety attacks will keep coming back no matter what you do to manage them.
Step 5: Engage in stress prevention techniques: Yoga, Tai Chi, and marital arts are my three most highly recommended strategies because they combine exercise and controlled breathing techniques with a set of principals to live by. Other forms of exercise are okay but are hard to access when you are driving or trying to sleep and they usually qualify more as stress management than prevention.
Step 6: Talk to your doctor. Even if you do not want to explore medication there may be some physical issues that are leading to your anxiety and stress and if you try these other steps and anxiety attacks are still coming this may be a health issue.
Anxiety responds well to treatment but it can take a really long time and most of my clients continue having bouts of anxiety attacks even though they are engaged in therapy and often take medication. A lot of this is because they are afraid to let go of their anxiety, afraid that if they do they will get hurt again. They are right that there is danger out there, but anxiety is warning system not a shield and it works much better when you use it the way it was intended.
Question: I get these anxiety attacks and I just can't stop thinking. Sometimes I can't sleep. Sometimes it even happens when I'm driving, once I had to pull over. I feel my heart racing and I feel like the whole world is closing in on me. I hate it. Still I don't want to take any medication, I don't want to feel like I am dependent on something. What can I do?
Answer: Before we remove something we need to figure out what its function is. Instead of just eliminating this anxiety we need to figure out what they are doing for you. Then we teach you to bring your anxiety down to a level that is useful without being debilitating or even really annoying.
If we remember one of the key Maigler assumptions: all feelings have a function in helping us to survive, then we must ask what could this anxiety be doing for you? Chances are it is preventing you from relaxing and letting your guard down. If you have more anxiety than seems appropriate for the situation it suggests that you don't trust yourself spot dangers.
I would guess that in your past you have been surprised by something awful and you would do anything to never be shocked with a negative like that again. That means these anxiety attacks are something that you are choosing because you would rather live with them than the fear of emotional ambush. The bad news is there is no safe place from emotional ambush. The good news is since they hyper vigilance you get from anxiety isn't really helping you anyway we lose nothing but reducing it.
But why, you may ask, are you having anxiety attacks when the trigger is as trivial as how clean the house is before Thanksgiving, or that presentation to your Spanish class, or if your boyfriend's sister hates you?
We worry about these more trivial issues because the big issues that really produce our fear seem impossible to deal with. If we tried to answer the questions: will anyone ever love me for me, or what is my purpose on earth, do I deserve to be happy? We would not be able to get down to firm yes or no answers, and the ambiguity is scary. If I instead freak myself out about whether or not everyone will like the pasta sauce I made, and I end up with negative results, I can probably survive that.
So what do we do about it? Step 1: in the middle of an anxiety attack control your breathing, there are many great techniques for that, pick any one that works for you. I know, I know deep breaths, it sounds like such a cliche. Well it is a cliche for a reason, it works. That anxiety attack is chemical in nature and a faucet of of adrenaline is rushing to your heart. We turn off the flow by slowing your breathing which will in turn slow your heart rate, and send a signal to your brain that you have things under control.
Step 2: remind yourself that you will get through this, and it is not life threatening. It may sound silly but eventually anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks, where people believe they are going to die. One key is remembering that you have survived this before and you will be fine.
Step 3: focus on something else: If you can call someone you like and ask them to talk to you about THEIR life, not your anxiety. If it is late and you cannot get anyone else guided visualizations (aka day dreaming about something pleasant or soothing) can work.
Step 4: start dealing with the REAL issue. whether it be in therapy or through journaling or artwork devote some time to thinking about the fear that is producing the anxiety. Not the surface trigger issue, but the real issue. If you are not sure what that is, start working with a therapist. But the point is unless you do this anxiety attacks will keep coming back no matter what you do to manage them.
Step 5: Engage in stress prevention techniques: Yoga, Tai Chi, and marital arts are my three most highly recommended strategies because they combine exercise and controlled breathing techniques with a set of principals to live by. Other forms of exercise are okay but are hard to access when you are driving or trying to sleep and they usually qualify more as stress management than prevention.
Step 6: Talk to your doctor. Even if you do not want to explore medication there may be some physical issues that are leading to your anxiety and stress and if you try these other steps and anxiety attacks are still coming this may be a health issue.
Anxiety responds well to treatment but it can take a really long time and most of my clients continue having bouts of anxiety attacks even though they are engaged in therapy and often take medication. A lot of this is because they are afraid to let go of their anxiety, afraid that if they do they will get hurt again. They are right that there is danger out there, but anxiety is warning system not a shield and it works much better when you use it the way it was intended.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sexpectations hurting relationship
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Question: I know my husband loves me but we don't make love, we have sex and often afterward I feel like I was used, like I'm just an object that he used to get off. I tried to explain it to him but he won't listen or maybe I can't find the right words. Am I just being too sensitive?
Answer: If you feel it, then it is real and it needs to be dealt with. If you try to ignore this you will grow less and less enthusiastic for sex and the energy will go out of this part of your relationship. That would be a terrible loss when some communication might be all it takes to correct this.
I once had a male client whose girlfriend taught him this lesson. They were in a long distance relationship and as soon as they got together the first thing he wanted to do was have sex. Although she loved him and missed him both emotionally and sexually this pressure on the sexual aspect turned her off and made her feel disconnected emotionally.
When she tried to explain this to him he wanted to dismiss it. He would plead and pressure saying things like, "You know I love you, can't you just do it for me, even if you aren't really into it right now?"
Finally one day she decided if she was going to be treated like an object that is how she would act and she just lay back completely still and expressionless, once they began having sex. He told me that when he realized how she was feeling through her actions he became repulsed and was physically nauseous.
While I don't recommend that you necessarily take these steps you may choose to tell this story so your husband might start to understand how important it is for you to feel like making love is done with you rather than to you if it is to improve in your relationship.
For most men this is a matter of ignorance not stupidity. If you can help your husband to understand that a little work on his part will lead to much more enthusiasm and enjoyment for you and much better sex for both of you he will very likely be on board.
The step which most women struggle with at this point of the conversation is to explain to their men exactly what it is that they should do differently. Women often feel that just explaining the concept should be enough to get men to change their behavior. This is the reasoning that comes from having an intuitive mind WHICH MEN DON'T HAVE!
As I have said before men are the reason why there are directions on the back of the shampoo bottle. That is how simply and directly you must break everything down if you want men to understand what you want and don't want.
It is not enough to say "I hate it when you..." although that is a necessary first step. What you might try instead is say "Honey what will really put me in the mood for intense connected sex sometime soon is if you could show some interest in ... for awhile instead of ..." If men see the pay off they will usually oblige and they will even defer instant gratification if they believe there will be greater pay off later.
Never second guess your feelings, they are there to tell you something even if you cannot explain the logic of them. Feelings don't have to obey logic, but that does not make them insubstantial any more than the wind is unreal because we cannot see it.
Men really want to please their romantic partners, this is one of the ways men like to define themselves. If you can help your husband to connect with you everybody wins, even if he never understands why there was a problem.
Question: I know my husband loves me but we don't make love, we have sex and often afterward I feel like I was used, like I'm just an object that he used to get off. I tried to explain it to him but he won't listen or maybe I can't find the right words. Am I just being too sensitive?
Answer: If you feel it, then it is real and it needs to be dealt with. If you try to ignore this you will grow less and less enthusiastic for sex and the energy will go out of this part of your relationship. That would be a terrible loss when some communication might be all it takes to correct this.
I once had a male client whose girlfriend taught him this lesson. They were in a long distance relationship and as soon as they got together the first thing he wanted to do was have sex. Although she loved him and missed him both emotionally and sexually this pressure on the sexual aspect turned her off and made her feel disconnected emotionally.
When she tried to explain this to him he wanted to dismiss it. He would plead and pressure saying things like, "You know I love you, can't you just do it for me, even if you aren't really into it right now?"
Finally one day she decided if she was going to be treated like an object that is how she would act and she just lay back completely still and expressionless, once they began having sex. He told me that when he realized how she was feeling through her actions he became repulsed and was physically nauseous.
While I don't recommend that you necessarily take these steps you may choose to tell this story so your husband might start to understand how important it is for you to feel like making love is done with you rather than to you if it is to improve in your relationship.
For most men this is a matter of ignorance not stupidity. If you can help your husband to understand that a little work on his part will lead to much more enthusiasm and enjoyment for you and much better sex for both of you he will very likely be on board.
The step which most women struggle with at this point of the conversation is to explain to their men exactly what it is that they should do differently. Women often feel that just explaining the concept should be enough to get men to change their behavior. This is the reasoning that comes from having an intuitive mind WHICH MEN DON'T HAVE!
As I have said before men are the reason why there are directions on the back of the shampoo bottle. That is how simply and directly you must break everything down if you want men to understand what you want and don't want.
It is not enough to say "I hate it when you..." although that is a necessary first step. What you might try instead is say "Honey what will really put me in the mood for intense connected sex sometime soon is if you could show some interest in ... for awhile instead of ..." If men see the pay off they will usually oblige and they will even defer instant gratification if they believe there will be greater pay off later.
Never second guess your feelings, they are there to tell you something even if you cannot explain the logic of them. Feelings don't have to obey logic, but that does not make them insubstantial any more than the wind is unreal because we cannot see it.
Men really want to please their romantic partners, this is one of the ways men like to define themselves. If you can help your husband to connect with you everybody wins, even if he never understands why there was a problem.
Monday, November 9, 2009
why keep living?
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Question: I have struggled with depression for awhile because I just don't see the point of life. I'm not suicidal, I have no plan to end my life, but I sure wouldn't mind if death came and found me. I don't really believe in God, and relationships just lead to pain, so what the hell is the point of all this?
Answer: There is no point, or if there is, and I told you what it was you wouldn't believe me anyway so lets move forward as if life has no point.
Since you are scrapping the God and afterlife thing that saves us a lot of time and debate. We start with the facts, you are alive now and someday you will be dead so while you are alive you might as well enjoy the show.
Certainly life is painful, so what, it is also at least equally pleasurable. I know right now you don't believe that. Depression is a disorder of perception. You may be up to your chin in problems but when you are depressed you feel like you problems are stacked up to the ceiling.
To live, not just survive until death, but to really live we must inject our lives with meaning. Most people adopt the purpose and meaning suggested by their family/society/culture/religion, almost as many adopt an almost opposite philosophy as a reaction to those same influences.
At the end of the day no matter where you get a sense of meaning, mission, purpose you gotta get one or you are just killing time. Perhaps you will choose to be a hedonist and lead a life of finding pleasure and avoiding pain. Fine, if you like that go nuts.
My real suggestion is to try to find the activities that bring Flow into your life. (for detailed info on this see Mihaly Csikszenthmihalyi's book Flow: The psychology of the optimal experience)
Flow is that feeling you get when time just flies by in a good way. You get this feeling when you find your optimal level of challenge in a task that you find rewarding.
Some people find Flow fishing or golfing, I find it in having intriguing conversations, you might find it grooming dogs or fighting for the environment. You can easily say that in the truly big picture none of these things matter. I won't argue with you. At the end of the day any intelligent logical person can make the argument that nothing matters, that we are just specks of space dust which make no ultimate difference to the universe.
I take the opposite meaning from our insignificance to the universe. To me that means that every single thing I do matters. Whether I am painting a picture, saving a life, or playing a game of solitaire all of these things matter as much as a thousand exploding suns. They matter if I let myself care about them, they matter if I put my time and my enthusiasm into them.
You ask why you should keep living, in answer I say you should start living. You need to take a risk, care, let things matter to you. You will find brilliant heart melting pain in this world, and you will also find joy, the laughter of babies, and if you can find your Flow you will feel certain that you do have a purpose on this planet that matters, even if it only matters to you.
Question: I have struggled with depression for awhile because I just don't see the point of life. I'm not suicidal, I have no plan to end my life, but I sure wouldn't mind if death came and found me. I don't really believe in God, and relationships just lead to pain, so what the hell is the point of all this?
Answer: There is no point, or if there is, and I told you what it was you wouldn't believe me anyway so lets move forward as if life has no point.
Since you are scrapping the God and afterlife thing that saves us a lot of time and debate. We start with the facts, you are alive now and someday you will be dead so while you are alive you might as well enjoy the show.
Certainly life is painful, so what, it is also at least equally pleasurable. I know right now you don't believe that. Depression is a disorder of perception. You may be up to your chin in problems but when you are depressed you feel like you problems are stacked up to the ceiling.
To live, not just survive until death, but to really live we must inject our lives with meaning. Most people adopt the purpose and meaning suggested by their family/society/culture/religion, almost as many adopt an almost opposite philosophy as a reaction to those same influences.
At the end of the day no matter where you get a sense of meaning, mission, purpose you gotta get one or you are just killing time. Perhaps you will choose to be a hedonist and lead a life of finding pleasure and avoiding pain. Fine, if you like that go nuts.
My real suggestion is to try to find the activities that bring Flow into your life. (for detailed info on this see Mihaly Csikszenthmihalyi's book Flow: The psychology of the optimal experience)
Flow is that feeling you get when time just flies by in a good way. You get this feeling when you find your optimal level of challenge in a task that you find rewarding.
Some people find Flow fishing or golfing, I find it in having intriguing conversations, you might find it grooming dogs or fighting for the environment. You can easily say that in the truly big picture none of these things matter. I won't argue with you. At the end of the day any intelligent logical person can make the argument that nothing matters, that we are just specks of space dust which make no ultimate difference to the universe.
I take the opposite meaning from our insignificance to the universe. To me that means that every single thing I do matters. Whether I am painting a picture, saving a life, or playing a game of solitaire all of these things matter as much as a thousand exploding suns. They matter if I let myself care about them, they matter if I put my time and my enthusiasm into them.
You ask why you should keep living, in answer I say you should start living. You need to take a risk, care, let things matter to you. You will find brilliant heart melting pain in this world, and you will also find joy, the laughter of babies, and if you can find your Flow you will feel certain that you do have a purpose on this planet that matters, even if it only matters to you.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Does a 3rd divorce mean I'm a failure
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I am currently separated from my husband and although we talk every day it looks like we are headed toward divorce. I feel like such a failure. I was married twice before but there was a long gap between my second marriage and this one and I never thought this would happen. I know the word that comes to mind when I hear someone has been divorced three times, LOSER. Is there any hope for me?
Answer: The difference between winners and losers in life has nothing to do with the number of times a person gets married or divorced. It has everything to do with how we define victory.
My father's cousin stayed in a horrible marriage for 54 years because she thought it was her duty. It wasn't until her children came to her and encouraged her to stop putting up with the abuse that she realized that just staying married was not serving anyone.
There is a strong possibility that some of the attitudes and behaviors that you bring to your marriages, and probably all your relationships have contributed to your divorces. That does not make you a failure if staying married to any of these men would have required you to be unhealthy or suppress your values.
I would suggest you ask yourself what all these men have in common, what the problems in your romantic relationships, and your friendships tend to revolve around, and see if you can find some common themes. If you can you may want to work on those issues in counseling (yes my answer to just about any question includes a recommendation to explore counseling).
Going forward you must ask yourself what you really want out of a romantic relationship. If the man you are dating cannot provide all the things that you want and you are not going to be satisfied, don't marry him. This may seem obvious but many people get caught up in the momentum of a relationship and they get married not because they are a good fit but because they feel that is what they "should" do if they have been dating for a certain amount of time and they don't want to break up.
We live in a society where people get married and divorced at a dizzying rate. Women no longer need to be married to be socially accepted and the pressure to stay in bad marriages is gone. What I find to be truly remarkable is not that 50% of marriages end in divorce but that 50% don't.
There is hope for you if you can find a man who truly fits your expectations as a marriage partner and both of you are honest about those expectations up front. There is success in your future if you can be proud of who you are and what you have done in life regardless of you marital status.
Question: I am currently separated from my husband and although we talk every day it looks like we are headed toward divorce. I feel like such a failure. I was married twice before but there was a long gap between my second marriage and this one and I never thought this would happen. I know the word that comes to mind when I hear someone has been divorced three times, LOSER. Is there any hope for me?
Answer: The difference between winners and losers in life has nothing to do with the number of times a person gets married or divorced. It has everything to do with how we define victory.
My father's cousin stayed in a horrible marriage for 54 years because she thought it was her duty. It wasn't until her children came to her and encouraged her to stop putting up with the abuse that she realized that just staying married was not serving anyone.
There is a strong possibility that some of the attitudes and behaviors that you bring to your marriages, and probably all your relationships have contributed to your divorces. That does not make you a failure if staying married to any of these men would have required you to be unhealthy or suppress your values.
I would suggest you ask yourself what all these men have in common, what the problems in your romantic relationships, and your friendships tend to revolve around, and see if you can find some common themes. If you can you may want to work on those issues in counseling (yes my answer to just about any question includes a recommendation to explore counseling).
Going forward you must ask yourself what you really want out of a romantic relationship. If the man you are dating cannot provide all the things that you want and you are not going to be satisfied, don't marry him. This may seem obvious but many people get caught up in the momentum of a relationship and they get married not because they are a good fit but because they feel that is what they "should" do if they have been dating for a certain amount of time and they don't want to break up.
We live in a society where people get married and divorced at a dizzying rate. Women no longer need to be married to be socially accepted and the pressure to stay in bad marriages is gone. What I find to be truly remarkable is not that 50% of marriages end in divorce but that 50% don't.
There is hope for you if you can find a man who truly fits your expectations as a marriage partner and both of you are honest about those expectations up front. There is success in your future if you can be proud of who you are and what you have done in life regardless of you marital status.
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