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Question: If my Mom tells me one more time how much "potential" I have I'm going to stab her in the face, okay not literally, but still! What if I don't care about getting straight A's? Why can't she just be happy with who I am and the things I do?
Answer: 99% of parents and teachers have no idea that the phrase "You have so much potential..." translates into "you are a lazy loser" in kid language.
If you ever become a parent you will discover that the first sensation that washes over you when they put that little wrinkly baby in your arms is a mixture of love and joy, and the second is a gigantic wave of fear to which the immediate response is the prayer "Please God don't let me screw this up!"
Nobody wants to be the caricature evil parent or teacher that says "you suck, you'll never amount to nothin!" We read in parenting books that you must encourage your children to believe that they can do anything, they can be president, and that you believe in them.
There is a flip side to every coin and the dark side of encouragement and belief is the feeling that love is conditional upon achievement. They fear that no matter how hard they try it will never be good enough, their parent will never be satisfied so why play the game? Why try to hit a moving target?
I'm guessing your Mom has no idea how close to a face stabbing she is getting with words that she thinks are designed to motivate you with love. If you want her to change it is not enough to tell her that you don't want her to say "you have so much potential" or she will just replace the word potential with "possibility" or "talent" and you will still end up feeling like she is saying you are not good enough.
More then tearing down her mistake you must explain to her what you want her to do instead. "Mom instead of telling me how much potential I have say...whatever her truth is" Unfortunately that truth might be more uncomfortable that the word potential. It might be her being candid about her fears that you will resent her later in life if she doesn't push you.
The key formula to learn when ever anyone says something that makes you uncomfortable is "Mom, when you say....... I feel...... If you want me to....... please say...... instead." I know it is kinda like emotional mad libs but it works.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Will you love my scary side? You have 5 seconds..
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Question: When ever I start dating a guy I really like it seems like I have a panic attack in front of him by the 3rd date. I've realized that part of me likes this. I don't want to get really into him and then find out he can't handle me, but I think I also might have scared some good guys away. If they leave when they see me freak out that probably means they weren't going to last anyway, doesn't it?
Answer: Not necessarily. If on your 3rd date with a guy he decided not to shave, cut his hair to look like he was balding, and farted after dinner would you be crazy to think twice about not going back for date number 4? We all know that the people we fall for are going to have some faults but we generally don't find them all at once.
It sounds like you are testing these guys by creating a situation that did not occur organically just to see how they will react, assuming that you can predict their future behavior. Sounds very scientific. Unfortunately it is a terrible plan.
People seek people at their same level of emotional functioning. So if you give off the impression that you are less healthy than you truly are to see if a guy is going to stick around there are two possible responses: He leaves or he stays and neither of those are necessarily good.
If he leaves, it might mean that he is a jerk who can't handle it when the emotional going gets tough. Or it might mean that he is an emotionally healthy person and all this drama that is surrounding you has set off his "get the hell out of here" alarm. Unfortunately after 3 dates it was probably too early to know either way.
If he stays, it might mean that he is a super sensitive guy who will be there for you through thick and thin. Or it might mean he is really co-dependant. People like this need to be needed and if you ever act like a really healthy independent person for an extended period of time he will lose interest and find a new project.
So how do we know if we can trust this guy if we don't test him? Two ways, organic growth and relationships with others.
Organic growth: If you have panic attacks that is part of who you are. You don't have to hide them from him, just don't trigger them early to test him. Don't create dramatic situations to see how he will react, but do take note of how he reacts to situations when they really arise. This is how healthy relationships form, slowly, with trust being built little by little. It is scary because you could end up being really into him and he could end up hurting you. Even healthy relationships are a roll of the dice.
Relationships with others: People bring the same skills, abilities, and baggage to all their relationships. See how he is with his friends, family, co-workers and find out what you can about his past relationships and how he conducted himself. Liars lie, cheaters cheat, thieves steal and they don't just do it in one area of their life. If a guy is shady he is going to be shady in more than just the romantic department.
The main problem with testing someone with your scary side is it relies on the false premise that if you can weed out the untrustworthy people you won't get hurt. In reality it is rarely the con-men, players, or shallow jerks who hurt people the worst. The people who really hurt you are the good ones because they do earn you trust and then sometimes they still move, die, fall out of love...
If you want to find a lover, friend, therapist, boss, who is going to be there for you when the chips are down, don't play games, be patient and observant and realizes that the greatest losses are born not of failure but of success.
Question: When ever I start dating a guy I really like it seems like I have a panic attack in front of him by the 3rd date. I've realized that part of me likes this. I don't want to get really into him and then find out he can't handle me, but I think I also might have scared some good guys away. If they leave when they see me freak out that probably means they weren't going to last anyway, doesn't it?
Answer: Not necessarily. If on your 3rd date with a guy he decided not to shave, cut his hair to look like he was balding, and farted after dinner would you be crazy to think twice about not going back for date number 4? We all know that the people we fall for are going to have some faults but we generally don't find them all at once.
It sounds like you are testing these guys by creating a situation that did not occur organically just to see how they will react, assuming that you can predict their future behavior. Sounds very scientific. Unfortunately it is a terrible plan.
People seek people at their same level of emotional functioning. So if you give off the impression that you are less healthy than you truly are to see if a guy is going to stick around there are two possible responses: He leaves or he stays and neither of those are necessarily good.
If he leaves, it might mean that he is a jerk who can't handle it when the emotional going gets tough. Or it might mean that he is an emotionally healthy person and all this drama that is surrounding you has set off his "get the hell out of here" alarm. Unfortunately after 3 dates it was probably too early to know either way.
If he stays, it might mean that he is a super sensitive guy who will be there for you through thick and thin. Or it might mean he is really co-dependant. People like this need to be needed and if you ever act like a really healthy independent person for an extended period of time he will lose interest and find a new project.
So how do we know if we can trust this guy if we don't test him? Two ways, organic growth and relationships with others.
Organic growth: If you have panic attacks that is part of who you are. You don't have to hide them from him, just don't trigger them early to test him. Don't create dramatic situations to see how he will react, but do take note of how he reacts to situations when they really arise. This is how healthy relationships form, slowly, with trust being built little by little. It is scary because you could end up being really into him and he could end up hurting you. Even healthy relationships are a roll of the dice.
Relationships with others: People bring the same skills, abilities, and baggage to all their relationships. See how he is with his friends, family, co-workers and find out what you can about his past relationships and how he conducted himself. Liars lie, cheaters cheat, thieves steal and they don't just do it in one area of their life. If a guy is shady he is going to be shady in more than just the romantic department.
The main problem with testing someone with your scary side is it relies on the false premise that if you can weed out the untrustworthy people you won't get hurt. In reality it is rarely the con-men, players, or shallow jerks who hurt people the worst. The people who really hurt you are the good ones because they do earn you trust and then sometimes they still move, die, fall out of love...
If you want to find a lover, friend, therapist, boss, who is going to be there for you when the chips are down, don't play games, be patient and observant and realizes that the greatest losses are born not of failure but of success.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
how do I get my kids to talk to me?
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Question: I have a 17 year old girl and a 15 year old boy and I feel like I barely know them. I know that no teenager wants to hang out with their parents but my son has been getting in trouble in school and my daughter has been having some friend issues but I can't help them because they won't let me in. I don't need to know every detail but I want more than a grunt as they head off to practice or up to their room. How will I know if something is really wrong?
Answer: Show up, shut up, and be available. This is the motto of an organization called Play for Peace and I try to follow it everyday. Teenagers have so many people talking at them all day at school that the last thing they want is to be cross examined when they come home, especially if they do get in trouble a lot. So you don't always have to talk, or ask questions, but you do have to spend time together whether or not either of you enjoy it.
Adolescence is the time when people begin to separate from their family and peers become their number one priority. To help that process along the phrase "Honey could you come here for a minute" uttered by a parent sounds to a teen like "Honey can I stick a dirty tooth pick under your finger nail?"
When I was in high school my parents could have said "Come here I want to give you 20 bucks." and I would have thought, "why do they need me to come there, can't they just leave it on the table?" And the crazy thing is I had (and have) a great relationship with my parents. I try to imagine how irritated I would be if I was in trouble a lot, or if every other conversation was about my grades.
So the first step is, modify your expectations. Do not expect your teens to want to spend time with you or to want to talk with you. No matter how cool you are as a parent you are still not cool because you are a parent.
For kids it does not matter how strict or lenient you are the only thing that will get them to trust you is consistency. If you say "just tell me what happened, I won't get mad, I promise." and then you get mad, you have no chance of getting another word, ever. If you are going to get mad, then don't pretend that you won't.
The two things teens hate most are hypocrisy and not being trusted. But being a hypocrite is sometimes the right move, example.) if you are a smoker you should still tell your kids not to smoke. Are you a hypocrite? Hell yes. Are you wrong to say it anyway? No! Also many kids who want their parents trust are not very trustworthy. So, do not worry about giving your kids what they want, worry about what they need.
Your kids need your time, energy, and attention on a consistent basis. If you go to their games and their concerts, or visit them at their job, if you talk to their teachers and go to their conferences.... they will be annoyed, but you will know what is going on in their lives.
Insist on family activities. At first they will grumble, but secretly they won't mind, it just isn't cool to like hanging out with your family. Since 70% of communication is non-verbal if there is something wrong you will pick it up, and if you have put the time in showing the love and concern they might even talk to you about it.
For many kids talking face to face with a parent is super awkward. You may write them a note telling them what you are afraid of and asking them to give you what info they can. You might even try texting them, you would be shocked how much and quickly they can communicate on a cel phone if they want to.
One of the hardest things about dealing with teens is some days they are so grown up, and the next they are that little child who needs you desperately. Treat your kids, as much as possible, like the adults you hope they will become, invest your time in their lives and it will pay dividends in the future. For the now all you can do is provide unconditional love, and consistent consequences. Share your feelings with them, but don't be hurt if they would prefer a kick in the gonads than an afternoon gab with you. That is just part of growing up.
Question: I have a 17 year old girl and a 15 year old boy and I feel like I barely know them. I know that no teenager wants to hang out with their parents but my son has been getting in trouble in school and my daughter has been having some friend issues but I can't help them because they won't let me in. I don't need to know every detail but I want more than a grunt as they head off to practice or up to their room. How will I know if something is really wrong?
Answer: Show up, shut up, and be available. This is the motto of an organization called Play for Peace and I try to follow it everyday. Teenagers have so many people talking at them all day at school that the last thing they want is to be cross examined when they come home, especially if they do get in trouble a lot. So you don't always have to talk, or ask questions, but you do have to spend time together whether or not either of you enjoy it.
Adolescence is the time when people begin to separate from their family and peers become their number one priority. To help that process along the phrase "Honey could you come here for a minute" uttered by a parent sounds to a teen like "Honey can I stick a dirty tooth pick under your finger nail?"
When I was in high school my parents could have said "Come here I want to give you 20 bucks." and I would have thought, "why do they need me to come there, can't they just leave it on the table?" And the crazy thing is I had (and have) a great relationship with my parents. I try to imagine how irritated I would be if I was in trouble a lot, or if every other conversation was about my grades.
So the first step is, modify your expectations. Do not expect your teens to want to spend time with you or to want to talk with you. No matter how cool you are as a parent you are still not cool because you are a parent.
For kids it does not matter how strict or lenient you are the only thing that will get them to trust you is consistency. If you say "just tell me what happened, I won't get mad, I promise." and then you get mad, you have no chance of getting another word, ever. If you are going to get mad, then don't pretend that you won't.
The two things teens hate most are hypocrisy and not being trusted. But being a hypocrite is sometimes the right move, example.) if you are a smoker you should still tell your kids not to smoke. Are you a hypocrite? Hell yes. Are you wrong to say it anyway? No! Also many kids who want their parents trust are not very trustworthy. So, do not worry about giving your kids what they want, worry about what they need.
Your kids need your time, energy, and attention on a consistent basis. If you go to their games and their concerts, or visit them at their job, if you talk to their teachers and go to their conferences.... they will be annoyed, but you will know what is going on in their lives.
Insist on family activities. At first they will grumble, but secretly they won't mind, it just isn't cool to like hanging out with your family. Since 70% of communication is non-verbal if there is something wrong you will pick it up, and if you have put the time in showing the love and concern they might even talk to you about it.
For many kids talking face to face with a parent is super awkward. You may write them a note telling them what you are afraid of and asking them to give you what info they can. You might even try texting them, you would be shocked how much and quickly they can communicate on a cel phone if they want to.
One of the hardest things about dealing with teens is some days they are so grown up, and the next they are that little child who needs you desperately. Treat your kids, as much as possible, like the adults you hope they will become, invest your time in their lives and it will pay dividends in the future. For the now all you can do is provide unconditional love, and consistent consequences. Share your feelings with them, but don't be hurt if they would prefer a kick in the gonads than an afternoon gab with you. That is just part of growing up.
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