Is my son a heartless monster?

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Question:  Recently my husband died unexpectedly.  I have been a mess but my 12 year old son, who was my husband's step son for 7 years, doesn't even seem to be bothered.  At first I thought he was in shock, because the last interaction he had with my husband was a fight about his chores.  Now it has been three weeks and still nothing.  The other day I confronted him and he said, "It's no big deal Mom, it's like when Sadie [our former dog] died, you're sad for awhile but you get over it."  I feel like a failure as a parent.  I cannot believe my son compared my husband to an F$#@ing dog.  Have I raised some sort of heartless monster?  Should I make him go to counseling, is there even any point?  

Answer:  Your first impulse was right, your son is in shock.  He is having the most reasonable reaction he can handle to an unbearable situation.  

The research indicates that when a child your son's age loses a primary care giver it takes 4 to 7 years to move fully through the stages of grief from shock/denial all the way to acceptance.  Accordingly, it should be no surprise that three weeks after the death of such an important figure he has still barely scratched the surface of the first stage.

When any new event happens in our life our brain uses a process called scaffolding to link that event to the closest memory it has access to.  Just because your son compared the loss of your husband to that of the dog does not mean he values their lives equally, it is just the closest link he has in his limited experience on this planet.  

At this stage it is to his advantage to minimize what he acknowledges as the impact of this loss.  90% of the time when I hear a kid say "I don't care."  What they really mean is "I don't want to care."  Caring can hurt me, and if I pretend long enough and loud enough that this doesn't bother me, maybe it won't.  Can we blame him for this wishful thinking?. 

Your son's brain is also conspiring to keep him from feeling at this stage. On a winter day if he stayed out in the cold too long he would not be able to feel his ears.  Just because they were numb it would not mean he was not impacted, but if you asked him if he felt anything he could honestly say that he didn't.  His brain had stopped sending the pain signal because it was ineffective in getting him to change his situation.  Eventually when he comes inside his ears will begin to thaw, and burn, but that is a pain you only have the luxury of feeling if you can get out of the cold.

Right now your son is still out in the cold.  Once again the brain does us the favor of limiting our exposure to the pain until we are in a place that is safe enough for us to begin to handle it.  If your son was able to fully grasp this loss he would probably be unable to get out of bed or bathe himself.  To feel anything means risking touching a bottomless pit of grief and guilt.

I would highly encourage you to exposure your son to some form of therapy, but do not be surprised if he is not ready to talk about his feelings for several years.  At his age art or music therapy tend to be far more effective in allowing boys to express feelings that they do not yet have the emotional equipment to form into words.  I would also encourage you to make sure that you are in some form of counseling to address your own feelings of loss and role model for him that sharing his feelings with a someone is nothing to be ashamed of.     

Get kinky with my husband?

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Question: For years my husband has been nagging/begging me for oral and anal sex.  I guess I think oral is something for teenagers, like hickeys fun when you are young but I'm over it, and anal just sounds gross and painful.  I guess I'm a bit vanilla in the bedroom.  I like sex for the intimacy, and for me that is enough.  Still I want him to be happy and I don't want him to feel shut down or lose interest.  Part of me is considering giving in for a special occasion like his birthday, but then I'm afraid he is going to want it all the time.  Any ideas?  

Answer:   Being miserable and grudgingly offering your body to your husband to use as an object for a night is no gift. You need to change your conception from a choice between love making for you and sex for him to a third path where both of you are truly satisfied. 

Step one is to have open communication.  Married couples rarely honestly discuss their sexual desires and concerns out of fear of rejection or judgement from their partner.  If your husband disclosed that he had a fetish for being surrounded by bobble-head dolls when making love and you though he was a freak, the two of you cannot get away from each other and that knowledge is in your brain forever.

Your husband has already taken a risk by telling you what he wants despite your reaction.  You need to reward that risk, not by giving in to it, but by trying to understand more about how that desire works for him.  Psychology plays a gigantic part in sex for both men and women.

If what he is attracted to about oral and anal sex is a feeling of violating a taboo, or dominance and power, maybe there are other ways you can incorporate those themes into your love making in a way that you are both not just comfortable with but enthusiastic about.  

Enthusiasm is far more important than technique in love making and the overall satisfaction of your partner.  Nothing is a greater turn on that truly feeling desired.

If you can find a turn on for him that he can do with you rather than to you that will be a gift to both of you that will enhance the quality and intimacy of your marriage for the rest of your lives.  

casual sex is healthier than self injury, isn't it?

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Question:  Lately I've been feeling really worthless.  My medication keeps me from feeling depressed like I used to be, but I don't feel right or good.  It makes me want to cut myself, but I don't want to get back into that so I call up some guy and I have sex with him.  That seems to work for awhile but I know it probably isn't healthy, still it is better than cutting myself, right?  

Answer:  That is like asking "would you rather be eaten by sharks or ants?"  Both options stink and  no matter which option you choose you end up dead.  

Any time you drink, eat, jog, cut yourself, have sex, etc... for the purpose of changing/masking/avoiding the way you feel you are doing that activity medicinally.  If it works you run the risk of forming a habit which can easily become an addiction. 

How can we tell the difference between someone who just really likes drinking, or sex, or jogging, and someone who is addicted?  When a person continues to choose those behaviors even when they have started impairing relationships and life functioning (school, job, legal issues, physical health).  A real simple test is if you have lied about how much you do a behavior you are on the road to addiction.  

People who use self injury or disordered eating to manage emotions are highly likely to trade one addictive behavior for another as they seek to abstain from what ever has been identified as "the problem" behavior. 

We often see a triangle with self injury at one point, disordered eating at another, and risk taking behaviors (sex, drugs, anything dangerous) at the third.  To replace the benefit the person was getting from one behavior they shift to another never recognizing that all of these behaviors are designed to shield them from their emotions.

The 12 step model of abstinence finds many people who have traded avoiding their feelings through  substance abuse to avoiding them with the support of relationships and community.  While this is a good start unless they work the 12 steps all the way through and learn to listen to their feelings instead of managing them, they will never be truly healthy.   


 
If I am forced to answer your question, as counter intuitive as it sounds I would have to say that in general self injury is probably safer than casual sex, because there is only one unhealthy person involved, where as casual sex often involves two.  It is still a choice between sharks and ants. 

I have heard many people echo your feelings about medication. Medication does not solve anything it just helps you to see clearly enough to work with the problems that are really there, but if you continue to avoid those problems you will not get healthier. 

There is nothing wrong with drinking, jogging, or sex, if you do them safely and for the purpose of exploring and enjoying your life.  If you want to stop feeling worthless then you need to explore the reasons for why you feel that way, and until you do that you will continue trading one dangerous behavior for another until you die.