(Happy Holidays to all. Read, follow, ask whatever you like this blog is my holiday, or any day, gift to you. Sorry it is tough to return.)
Question: Every time I go to my girlfriend's house her sister goes out of her way to start shit with me. She picks at me with little comments about anything from my appearance to the college I go to. I've tried ignoring it, and I've tried using humor to spar back with her, but she will leave the room crying and it leads to fights between my girlfriend and I. I do not know what I ever did to this girl, I don't think it is jealousy because she has her own boyfriend who she has been dating for three years. I just need this to stop because it is leading to a lot of tension between my girlfriend and I and It has gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable at her house.
Answer: Get curious and be direct. Using humor is often a good way to deflect tension and still be assertive about an issue but you have to be very delicate with it or you can come off looking like the bad guy. Rather than asking sarcastically what her problem is, become honestly curious about her and what is going on, eventually she will be able to tell the difference.
For example if you were to walk into the house and she said something like "Great Bob's here, another evening ruined." You could try to make a clever quip to make her look like a moron but that would give her an opportunity to be the victim. If instead you just said, "Wow, that was pretty mean. Is there something I can do to fix the way you feel about that?"
Her likely response will be something flip and trite like "try leaving" but you just persevere in the nicest-most- curious-dorkiest way possible and say "Well I'm not going to leave but I honestly don't want to bother you if you think of how we can fix this let me know."
This method of taking control of the situation without anger will make her more uncomfortable with her behavior than you are. For some reason she doesn't like you and she wants to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend. When you react with anger she wins.
Ultimately you do want to ask her, one on one, either in a letter or in person what the problem really is. You should not hide your desire to confront the issue with you girlfriend but do not be surprised if she councils you to just ignore it.
If her sister is the drama queen of the family your girlfriend is probably the peacemaker and has learned to survive by not stepping on the land mines that her sister leaves around. She may even see her sister as a loving protector. Rather than trying to drive a wedge between your girlfriend and her sister you want to do the opposite so you can get by the defenses and figure out what is really going on here.
When people are behaving irrationally they are afraid of something (if they are not totally insane). If you girlfriend's sister is insane or a has a fixed and unchanging awful personality that will eventually become clear to both you and your girlfriend as long as you react positively to her.
We must assume, however, that your girlfriend's sister has some fear with regard to you. Perhaps your girlfriend was cheated on by a previous boyfriend and her sister wants to look out for her. In order to extinguish the negative reactions to you we must determine what her fear is and help her see that you are not going to be a problem.
It will be hard for her to react negatively if you approach her by saying something like "Listen, I know you love your sister very much and want what is best for her. For some reason you seem to think that isn't me. I want to find out from you what the problem is so we can move past it because I'm sure we both just want (your girlfriend) to be happy and the tension between us is upsetting her."
Good luck and I will cross my fingers that she isn't simply a nut.
