(come on people get your friends and family following this blog. I can only help the folks I reach and if you have a question or need some suggestions, go ahead and e-mail me to ask, I'll answer)
Question: my doctor has told me I need to lose weight and he put me on a specific diet and exercise plan. I have been following the plan to the letter for two months and virtually no change. I saw a woman on tv who was a victim of rape who gained a lot of weight and couldn't lose it. I was sexually abused as a child, could that keep me from losing weight as an adult?
Answer: Absolutely. Often survivors of abuse/assault will subconsciously try to find ways to protect themselves. Their subconscious reasons "if I was less attractive they would not have chosen me. Therefore I will protect myself in layers of flesh and no one will attack me again." Very logical, just not remotely rational.
This is not to say that every overweight abuse/assault survivor can lay the blame for that on their past trauma. Most overweight people simply take in more calories than they burn. Regardless of the cause (boredom, response to trauma, cultural traditions about food and eating....) the way to fix it is to change behavior patterns with regard to eating and exercise.
If however, at some level of your subconscious you fear fitness more than you fear fat no matter how much you exercise or how little you eat you will not lose the weight.
How do we know if this is true of you? Well the first thing is to rule out the physical. You say you are keeping to the plan and it is not having an impact. Well most people are not nearly as disciplined as they think they are, and even if you are it might take a couple months to get your metabolism to quicken it's pace if you have been living a sedentary life style.
Some people actually even sleep eat. They sleep walk to the fridge and eat and go back to bed. If you live alone put a lock on the fridge if you live with family ask them to see if any food goes missing at night, or just put a piece of tape on the fridge and see if it is dislodged when you wake.
Why would anyone fear fitness? Well other than the irrational fear that this might make them a more likely victim, there is the more realistic fear, "What if I get in shape and I still feel awful/lonely/unloved?"
Many of the overweight people I have worked with believe at their core they are flawed and/or unlovable. If they are fat they have a reason why they are rejected. But if they were fit and they were alone they would have no reasons for their pain except their greatest fear, they are hopeless.
Regardless, if you have not had counseling for the sexual abuse you need to seek that out, no matter how long ago the abuse occurred. Whether or not your weight loss is related to this trauma it has no doubt had an impact on your life and relationships and only by exploring that impact can you build a plan to deal with it.
I would also highly encourage adding emotional support to your pursuit of your weight loss goal. Weight Watchers works, not because of the points, but because of the meetings where people feel a part of a community. Find a work out buddy, seek counseling, even hypno-therapy to aide in your weight loss, just don't give up. You may never be skinny but a healthier you is waiting.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Going back to Mr. Wrong, again.
(like the blog? Spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. Please post comments and e-mail me your questions and I will respond, Happy Holidays!)
Question: Why do I keep going back to him? All my friends tell me not to, he lets me down and hurts me time and again. I just did it again and although they are not saying "I told you so." I feel like I let them down and myself. I feel so pathetic. How do I stop this cycle?
Answer: You remind me of that old joke about the gambler was going down to Lefite's Pub to play poker. His friend stopped him and said, "But don't you know that game is fixed?" "Yep," the Gambler responded, "But it's the only game in town."
For you right now, this guy, or guys like him, are the only game in town. You know they cannot give you what you want but you would rather take your chances in a fixed game than not play, because you know there is no chance for victory sitting in the stands.
In order to remove a behavior we must first determine it's function. All behaviors support you in some way and if you pull out a support without seeing what it is holding up the ceiling may come crashing down.
Although you never mention violence in your relationship it has the same patterns as we often see in domestic violence relationships where the average number of times a woman leaves before she is finally through with a guy is 7.
Are these women idiots? Do they like getting hit? Do you like getting let down and feeling disappointed? Of course not! You, and they get sucked in by a honeymoon period. This is called the cycle of violence. The link below is to one of the best visual representations of it I have seen.
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/air/medbook/07.html
The problem is intermittent reinforcement. The hardest habits to break are the ones that don't get rewarded every time, they are the habits they get rewarded just often enough to keep you hoping. This is why building up a tolerance goes hand in hand with addiction. We become convinced that if we just use a little more, don't give up, keep trying, we will eventually get that feeling we are looking for.
I'm willing to bet there are times when this guy has made you feel great, better than you thought you ever deserved to feel. So when this too good to be true feeling was balanced by him treating you like crap it made sense to you and it hooked you in.
What you will eventually need to learn, probably through counseling, is that it was not "that guy" who gave you that wonderful feeling. You are not craving him, you are craving a feeling that you can get from a lot of different places and without such a high price.
The struggle will be you moving past the idea that if you didn't have to suffer for that feeling it is too good to be true. You are not an idiot. You are someone who has trouble believing that good things are going to happen for you because of your past experiences. As long as you are looking for a high price tag to go along with love you are going to find it. Let go of that notion and you will stop going back for extra helpings of pain.
Question: Why do I keep going back to him? All my friends tell me not to, he lets me down and hurts me time and again. I just did it again and although they are not saying "I told you so." I feel like I let them down and myself. I feel so pathetic. How do I stop this cycle?
Answer: You remind me of that old joke about the gambler was going down to Lefite's Pub to play poker. His friend stopped him and said, "But don't you know that game is fixed?" "Yep," the Gambler responded, "But it's the only game in town."
For you right now, this guy, or guys like him, are the only game in town. You know they cannot give you what you want but you would rather take your chances in a fixed game than not play, because you know there is no chance for victory sitting in the stands.
In order to remove a behavior we must first determine it's function. All behaviors support you in some way and if you pull out a support without seeing what it is holding up the ceiling may come crashing down.
Although you never mention violence in your relationship it has the same patterns as we often see in domestic violence relationships where the average number of times a woman leaves before she is finally through with a guy is 7.
Are these women idiots? Do they like getting hit? Do you like getting let down and feeling disappointed? Of course not! You, and they get sucked in by a honeymoon period. This is called the cycle of violence. The link below is to one of the best visual representations of it I have seen.
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/air/medbook/07.html
The problem is intermittent reinforcement. The hardest habits to break are the ones that don't get rewarded every time, they are the habits they get rewarded just often enough to keep you hoping. This is why building up a tolerance goes hand in hand with addiction. We become convinced that if we just use a little more, don't give up, keep trying, we will eventually get that feeling we are looking for.
I'm willing to bet there are times when this guy has made you feel great, better than you thought you ever deserved to feel. So when this too good to be true feeling was balanced by him treating you like crap it made sense to you and it hooked you in.
What you will eventually need to learn, probably through counseling, is that it was not "that guy" who gave you that wonderful feeling. You are not craving him, you are craving a feeling that you can get from a lot of different places and without such a high price.
The struggle will be you moving past the idea that if you didn't have to suffer for that feeling it is too good to be true. You are not an idiot. You are someone who has trouble believing that good things are going to happen for you because of your past experiences. As long as you are looking for a high price tag to go along with love you are going to find it. Let go of that notion and you will stop going back for extra helpings of pain.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Do I tell my sister the rumor I heard about her?
(Like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this site and/or on facebook, and by all means spread the word! Have a question? E-mail me and I'll post a response.)
Question: An acquaintance asked me about a rumor that my little sister was sexually assaulted while she was away at school. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. She said she heard the info from a cousin who I can't stand but my who my sister is really close with and relies on. I know if I ask my cousin about it she will deny saying anything. I'm just afraid this rumor will get back to my sister and she will feel embarrassed that everyone is talking about her, and feel betrayed by my cousin. I want to say something to warn her, but I have no idea how to bring it up, and I wonder if I should say anything. Is it the right thing to upset her if she might never hear about it? If she was sexually assaulted is she going to want her big brother bringing it up to her? Sorry for the long question, I'm lost about what to do.
Answer: Rumors are awful things but I have found most people want to know about them even if there is nothing they can do to stop the spread of the rumor. Even if the knowledge is painful.
Do onto others as THEY would have done onto them. This is the platinum rule and it very much applies here. This is a very tricky situation with no clear right answer. Our first step is to ask the golden rule, if you were in her situation what would you want her to do? Would you want to know about the rumor? Then from what you know of your sister, what do you think she would want you to do.
Let us begin with the premise that the rumor is true. Survivors of sexual assault are often filled with shame and self doubt. This may be an opportunity for you to tell her how much you love and care for her, and that if she was sexually assaulted it does not change your feelings for her what so ever. If she was assaulted your expression of unconditional love may be an important tool for her to use in her healing. If she was not assaulted you are laying the ground work, that if god forbid, something should ever happen to her, she knows she will have you as an ally.
How do you bring this up? On the phone, via text, at the dinner table...? Should you be specific or vague?
If you are trying to be sensitive to a person's privacy I suggest telling some thing like this in a letter that your sister can read privately and then follow up with you if she has questions. If you bring it up in any format where there can be back and forth dialog do not expect your sister to know how to respond. Imagine how difficult it was for you to respond to the person who brought it up and now turn up the volume and snap the knob off.
Do NOT beat around the bush. Get directly to the point. This is what I heard, this is how I heard it, this is what I'm afraid you are feeling, this is why I'm telling you, this is what I hope you will feel when you are done reading, this is when/how you can follow up with me if you want to. Start and end with how much you love her and how nothing will ever change that.
One area where you will have to be careful is in the way you bring the cousin you do not care for into the story. You want to make sure this does not seem like some vendetta that you have against her. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, even if you do not feel like she deserves it. Just report the information you got from your source as you received it, and openly admit that you have not talked to your cousin, and you hope the info is false.
Rumors and sexual assault have one terrible thing in common, they make a person feel powerless. You want to let your sister know that she isn't. That people are going to love her and believe the best about her no matter what they hear because of the good relationships she has developed over the years.
If you write a letter to your sister have someone you trust (someone that will not further spread the rumor) read it over to make sure your intended message of love and support is the strongest message being broadcast.
If you have written your message thoughtfully your sister will be prepared to deal with any questions that come her way and will not feel blindsided. If the person who brings this rumor to her does it with the love and concern that you intend to bring, it will still feel awful to her, but it might also bring the two of you closer together.
PS: there is often free counseling for survivors of sexual assault check with agencies like z-center (which you can find and follow on facebook) or search "center against sexual assault" and you will find a number of agencies.
Question: An acquaintance asked me about a rumor that my little sister was sexually assaulted while she was away at school. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. She said she heard the info from a cousin who I can't stand but my who my sister is really close with and relies on. I know if I ask my cousin about it she will deny saying anything. I'm just afraid this rumor will get back to my sister and she will feel embarrassed that everyone is talking about her, and feel betrayed by my cousin. I want to say something to warn her, but I have no idea how to bring it up, and I wonder if I should say anything. Is it the right thing to upset her if she might never hear about it? If she was sexually assaulted is she going to want her big brother bringing it up to her? Sorry for the long question, I'm lost about what to do.
Answer: Rumors are awful things but I have found most people want to know about them even if there is nothing they can do to stop the spread of the rumor. Even if the knowledge is painful.
Do onto others as THEY would have done onto them. This is the platinum rule and it very much applies here. This is a very tricky situation with no clear right answer. Our first step is to ask the golden rule, if you were in her situation what would you want her to do? Would you want to know about the rumor? Then from what you know of your sister, what do you think she would want you to do.
Let us begin with the premise that the rumor is true. Survivors of sexual assault are often filled with shame and self doubt. This may be an opportunity for you to tell her how much you love and care for her, and that if she was sexually assaulted it does not change your feelings for her what so ever. If she was assaulted your expression of unconditional love may be an important tool for her to use in her healing. If she was not assaulted you are laying the ground work, that if god forbid, something should ever happen to her, she knows she will have you as an ally.
How do you bring this up? On the phone, via text, at the dinner table...? Should you be specific or vague?
If you are trying to be sensitive to a person's privacy I suggest telling some thing like this in a letter that your sister can read privately and then follow up with you if she has questions. If you bring it up in any format where there can be back and forth dialog do not expect your sister to know how to respond. Imagine how difficult it was for you to respond to the person who brought it up and now turn up the volume and snap the knob off.
Do NOT beat around the bush. Get directly to the point. This is what I heard, this is how I heard it, this is what I'm afraid you are feeling, this is why I'm telling you, this is what I hope you will feel when you are done reading, this is when/how you can follow up with me if you want to. Start and end with how much you love her and how nothing will ever change that.
One area where you will have to be careful is in the way you bring the cousin you do not care for into the story. You want to make sure this does not seem like some vendetta that you have against her. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, even if you do not feel like she deserves it. Just report the information you got from your source as you received it, and openly admit that you have not talked to your cousin, and you hope the info is false.
Rumors and sexual assault have one terrible thing in common, they make a person feel powerless. You want to let your sister know that she isn't. That people are going to love her and believe the best about her no matter what they hear because of the good relationships she has developed over the years.
If you write a letter to your sister have someone you trust (someone that will not further spread the rumor) read it over to make sure your intended message of love and support is the strongest message being broadcast.
If you have written your message thoughtfully your sister will be prepared to deal with any questions that come her way and will not feel blindsided. If the person who brings this rumor to her does it with the love and concern that you intend to bring, it will still feel awful to her, but it might also bring the two of you closer together.
PS: there is often free counseling for survivors of sexual assault check with agencies like z-center (which you can find and follow on facebook) or search "center against sexual assault" and you will find a number of agencies.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Using a guy for the holidays
(like the blog, spread the word, and follow it on this site and/or on facebook. Have a question? Send me an e-mail and I'll whip up an answer.)
Question: My heart is still sore from my last relationship but I HATE being single during the holidays. I've gone on a couple dates with this guy and I think I might try to spend a lot of time with him just to survive until after 2/14. He is not Mr. Right, but neither of us is looking for anything serious. Does this plan make sense or am I just rationalizing so I don't have to be alone?
Answer: You are most certainly kidding yourself. In the best case scenario you will have used a guy to self medicate and protect you from your feelings during a rough patch of the year. In the worst case scenario you will end up feeling really used and you might have missed meeting the real Mr. Right.
It is irresponsible of me to jump to conclusions from just a couple of lines from your question but I'm going to assume you are one of those people who is always in a relationship. Often after getting out of one you tell yourself you just want to be single for awhile but somehow before two weeks have passed you just happen to have met someone interesting.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be connected to another person and have relationships, but dating a person just to protect you from the feeling of loneliness almost never leads to lasting love and fulfillment.
Relationships can be addictive and can be used just like drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, self injury, etc... to distract and insulate us from our emotions. If I'm in a relationship and I'm angry it can be because my boyfriend is acting like a jerk, but if I'm single and angry then what? I guess it has to be my fault.
Truly healthy people can be alone without being lonely. They can be angry, sad, surprised, anxious, and a hundred other feelings without needing a substance, a person, or any action to rescue them from their feelings.
You don't need a guy to make the holidays bearable. You need to change your expectations about what the holidays are supposed to be. If Christmas was about kissing under the mistletoe maybe you need to make it about visiting the elderly at a nursing home.
If you spend time with this guy that is not the end of the world, but just go into with your eyes open. Chances are if you spend a lot of time with a person and you are romantically linked whether or not you ever call it a relationship your heart is not going to get the memo.
If he isn't there to kiss you on New Years or he has plans with his "mom" on Valentines, the fact that you weren't looking for "anything serious" isn't going help with the loneliness. If you already know this guy isn't Mr. Right, then move on because Mr. Right isn't going to find you if you are hanging out with Mr. Placeholder.
Question: My heart is still sore from my last relationship but I HATE being single during the holidays. I've gone on a couple dates with this guy and I think I might try to spend a lot of time with him just to survive until after 2/14. He is not Mr. Right, but neither of us is looking for anything serious. Does this plan make sense or am I just rationalizing so I don't have to be alone?
Answer: You are most certainly kidding yourself. In the best case scenario you will have used a guy to self medicate and protect you from your feelings during a rough patch of the year. In the worst case scenario you will end up feeling really used and you might have missed meeting the real Mr. Right.
It is irresponsible of me to jump to conclusions from just a couple of lines from your question but I'm going to assume you are one of those people who is always in a relationship. Often after getting out of one you tell yourself you just want to be single for awhile but somehow before two weeks have passed you just happen to have met someone interesting.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be connected to another person and have relationships, but dating a person just to protect you from the feeling of loneliness almost never leads to lasting love and fulfillment.
Relationships can be addictive and can be used just like drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, self injury, etc... to distract and insulate us from our emotions. If I'm in a relationship and I'm angry it can be because my boyfriend is acting like a jerk, but if I'm single and angry then what? I guess it has to be my fault.
Truly healthy people can be alone without being lonely. They can be angry, sad, surprised, anxious, and a hundred other feelings without needing a substance, a person, or any action to rescue them from their feelings.
You don't need a guy to make the holidays bearable. You need to change your expectations about what the holidays are supposed to be. If Christmas was about kissing under the mistletoe maybe you need to make it about visiting the elderly at a nursing home.
If you spend time with this guy that is not the end of the world, but just go into with your eyes open. Chances are if you spend a lot of time with a person and you are romantically linked whether or not you ever call it a relationship your heart is not going to get the memo.
If he isn't there to kiss you on New Years or he has plans with his "mom" on Valentines, the fact that you weren't looking for "anything serious" isn't going help with the loneliness. If you already know this guy isn't Mr. Right, then move on because Mr. Right isn't going to find you if you are hanging out with Mr. Placeholder.
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