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Question: I hate conflict. So when my daughter or my husband do something that bothers me, I don't say anything. I find myself saving these things up as examples to use when we finally have a big talk, but then when the big talk comes I forget half of them, or maybe we never even have the talk. I've tried writing them down but that hasn't worked. How do I express my displeasure at the inconsiderate things they do without fighting about it?
Answer: Learn to love conflict. Do you remember that great movie you saw where the main character went through two hours of joy and bliss and nothing bad ever happened? No? Neither do I, because without conflict there is no story, nothing happens.
Somewhere along the way you learned that if you assert yourself it will lead to a fight. If you get in a fight your feelings will get hurt, or the other person's feelings will get hurt and then then you will feel guilty, so it is better to just not say anything.
This is a great strategy if you plan to be a door mat for your entire life but if you want reciprocal relationships with healthy people this is not going to work so well.
You figured this out on your own so you decided that it would be best to just save up other's sins against you in some kind of list and then eventually you have a nice, quiet, adult conversation about these issues. The problem with this plan is it turns out most people don't like to have conversations about things they have done wrong. These don't stay nice and quiet conversations and your talking partner paints you as the bad guy for hanging on to things that happened weeks, months, sometimes even years ago.
So what is the solution? State your feelings and observations as soon as you feel/notice them.
Example: You walk into the house after a long day of work and your husband is watching tv you daughter is chatting online up in her room. No one has started dinner, the house is a mess, and the dog is barking because he needs to go out and get fed. Normally you would: Sigh, let the dog out, feed him start dinner, and clean later, and let the sins list get a little longer.
Instead you could say. "Wow, I'm feeling really over whelmed right now. Is there a reason why A, B, and C have not been done?"
More than likely your husband and daughter just didn't think of doing it because you always get it done. We train people how to treat us and you have trained them to be docile to a point we call learned helplessness.
It is important to ask "Is there a reason?" because if there is, or if something awful happened to that person that day you don't seem like such a jerk, you have created an out. This will help you to be less afraid of confronting.
If there was no reason, and there usually isn't, the next step is to say "Well, could you help me by..."
The worst they can say is no, in which case you are no worse off than if you did it all yourself in the first place. Remember that your conflict avoidance is not being done to benefit others, it is your own selfish way of avoiding discomfort. The sooner you can grow comfortable with conflict the faster you will improve these relationships and let go of your resentment.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Ship her to an all girls school?
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Question: We just got my daughter's report card for freshman year and she got two D's. I would not be freaking out about this but she was an A-B student all through middle school. Also her cheer leading coach called me this winter telling me that she was concerned about the boys she saw my daughter hanging out with after school. I asked around and I know some of these boys are into drugs. My husband and I moved to this community because the schools are so good but now we are considering moving her to an all girls Catholic school. We talked about it with her and she is willing to go but in order to pay for it we will have to use up her college fund.
Answer: The fact that she is willing to go tells me just about all I would need to hear. Peer relationships are the most important thing in an adolescents life and if she is willing to sever those ties and form new ones, something is rotten in Denmark and there might be more going on than you suspect.
First to play devil's advocate against changing schools: where ever you go, there you are. If your daughter likes bad boys, or cocaine, even if she goes to an all girls school she is going to find the girls who know how to find those things. She won't even have to look for them, she will just naturally feel more comfortable with girls who at her level of emotional health. If you daughter is making poor choices because she is emotionally unhealthy it would be a better investment to get her into counseling than to pay money for tuition to an all girls school.
Secondly there is the age old debate of whether sheltering adolescents from opportunities/risks allows them to develop the tools they need to make good choices later on? Sometimes the best way to learn is to really screw up when you still have the safety net of Mom and Dad to bail you out. I know, however, that every parent cringes at the potential cost of that valuable learning. Will it lead to F's on the report card, pregnancy, a car crash... How much rope can we afford to give?
Looking back on high school I know I would have learned twice as much had I been in an all boys school. About 85% of my brain was consumed with sexual images of my female classmates that I could not banish even during the most fascinating lecture from my gifted teachers. And yet, despite the fact that I know I would have learned more in an all boys school I would not have changed schools for the world and I intend to send my own children to co-ed public schools.
I believe that less than 10% of the useful learning that we acquire during our high school and college years is obtained in the classroom. What I learned from my friends, particularly my female friends and girlfriends, are the lessons that I use everyday.
That being said, you have given your daughter a chance in this environment and her actions and her words are telling you that for her, this isn't working. Teens tend to have poor risk assessment and so they almost never choose to have increased restriction. When a teen seems leery of driving, dating, going to a party with friends.... take that hesitancy very seriously.
Your daughter has a history of good grades and was involved in activities at school, which are two great resiliency factors, but if she is drawn to bad boys who are involved with drugs then you are likely to have big trouble on the horizon. That college fund is going to feel like a major waste if she never makes it to college.
If it was my daughter I would register her at both schools but plan on her attending the all girls school. Most public schools will hold her place for 6 days at the start of the school year before dropping her if she does not show. Hopefully by the end of the first week at the girls school she will know if it feels like a good fit or not.
Either way I would consider getting her into some counseling to build her self esteem and help her make good choices. Not sure that she needs it but I do not know any teen that could not benefit from it.
Question: We just got my daughter's report card for freshman year and she got two D's. I would not be freaking out about this but she was an A-B student all through middle school. Also her cheer leading coach called me this winter telling me that she was concerned about the boys she saw my daughter hanging out with after school. I asked around and I know some of these boys are into drugs. My husband and I moved to this community because the schools are so good but now we are considering moving her to an all girls Catholic school. We talked about it with her and she is willing to go but in order to pay for it we will have to use up her college fund.
Answer: The fact that she is willing to go tells me just about all I would need to hear. Peer relationships are the most important thing in an adolescents life and if she is willing to sever those ties and form new ones, something is rotten in Denmark and there might be more going on than you suspect.
First to play devil's advocate against changing schools: where ever you go, there you are. If your daughter likes bad boys, or cocaine, even if she goes to an all girls school she is going to find the girls who know how to find those things. She won't even have to look for them, she will just naturally feel more comfortable with girls who at her level of emotional health. If you daughter is making poor choices because she is emotionally unhealthy it would be a better investment to get her into counseling than to pay money for tuition to an all girls school.
Secondly there is the age old debate of whether sheltering adolescents from opportunities/risks allows them to develop the tools they need to make good choices later on? Sometimes the best way to learn is to really screw up when you still have the safety net of Mom and Dad to bail you out. I know, however, that every parent cringes at the potential cost of that valuable learning. Will it lead to F's on the report card, pregnancy, a car crash... How much rope can we afford to give?
Looking back on high school I know I would have learned twice as much had I been in an all boys school. About 85% of my brain was consumed with sexual images of my female classmates that I could not banish even during the most fascinating lecture from my gifted teachers. And yet, despite the fact that I know I would have learned more in an all boys school I would not have changed schools for the world and I intend to send my own children to co-ed public schools.
I believe that less than 10% of the useful learning that we acquire during our high school and college years is obtained in the classroom. What I learned from my friends, particularly my female friends and girlfriends, are the lessons that I use everyday.
That being said, you have given your daughter a chance in this environment and her actions and her words are telling you that for her, this isn't working. Teens tend to have poor risk assessment and so they almost never choose to have increased restriction. When a teen seems leery of driving, dating, going to a party with friends.... take that hesitancy very seriously.
Your daughter has a history of good grades and was involved in activities at school, which are two great resiliency factors, but if she is drawn to bad boys who are involved with drugs then you are likely to have big trouble on the horizon. That college fund is going to feel like a major waste if she never makes it to college.
If it was my daughter I would register her at both schools but plan on her attending the all girls school. Most public schools will hold her place for 6 days at the start of the school year before dropping her if she does not show. Hopefully by the end of the first week at the girls school she will know if it feels like a good fit or not.
Either way I would consider getting her into some counseling to build her self esteem and help her make good choices. Not sure that she needs it but I do not know any teen that could not benefit from it.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Angry with the guy who didn't rape me
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Question: I was really nervous about moving into my own place, I hate to be alone, always have. My friend John said he would stay with me for the first week just so I wouldn't be alone. He stayed for two days and then went MIA. A casual acquaintance came over and to make a long story short that guy ended up raping me. What's crazy is I'm more angry with John than I am with the guy who did it. I just keep flipping back and forth from blaming John and blaming myself. What is wrong with me?
Answer: Your mind is trying to convince you that this world could be a safe place if you can just solve all the puzzles and find all the traps. She (that is to say your mind) is afraid that if you just accept that it wasn't really John's fault and it wasn't your fault then you will realize that this world is unsafe and you will just want to give up. Thus she is spinning you in circles to use up your energy and keep you from choosing oblivion, and so far it sounds like it is working.
Acquaintance rape is devastatingly common and rarely prosecuted. Recently a friend told me that she wrote an article for her college paper about an acquaintance date rape which led the girl to drop out of school. At the time her professors hailed her for speaking up but the guys on campus felt betrayed by her article. 20 years later at a reunion her male friends still blamed her for vilifying their friends.
Am I surprised that you blame yourself for this happening? Of course not, but it makes me so weary. "No means No" does not go anywhere near far enough. I don't know if you even said No, to this acquaintance but it shouldn't matter, you should not have to say anything, if you are not actively encouraging him he needed to stop.
We need to train our young men to understand that if you are not being intimate (connecting deeply with your partner as a whole person, not just as an object to utilize in achieving orgasm) then you should not be sexual.
John let you down. He was not there for you and something terrible happened and you should be angry with him. This however, is not his fault. You do not need to keep him as a friend but do not try to lay this at anyone's feet but the man who did it.
You have survived a horrible trauma and the pain is trying to release itself in anyway you can allow it to. I hope that you are involved in some sort of counseling for this to help you heal as quickly as possible. Most states have a number of agencies that provide free counseling for survivors of sexual assault. In the Chicago area Porchlight counseling services works with college age survivors, or places like Zacharias Center work with survivors of any age.
To sum up, when you have survived a trauma do not expect your feelings to be rational or appropriate in scale until you have done a good deal of healing work. Working with a therapist you can begin to understand why one thing triggers you more than another, but only with time and work will your feelings begin to fall back into their normal shape.
Question: I was really nervous about moving into my own place, I hate to be alone, always have. My friend John said he would stay with me for the first week just so I wouldn't be alone. He stayed for two days and then went MIA. A casual acquaintance came over and to make a long story short that guy ended up raping me. What's crazy is I'm more angry with John than I am with the guy who did it. I just keep flipping back and forth from blaming John and blaming myself. What is wrong with me?
Answer: Your mind is trying to convince you that this world could be a safe place if you can just solve all the puzzles and find all the traps. She (that is to say your mind) is afraid that if you just accept that it wasn't really John's fault and it wasn't your fault then you will realize that this world is unsafe and you will just want to give up. Thus she is spinning you in circles to use up your energy and keep you from choosing oblivion, and so far it sounds like it is working.
Acquaintance rape is devastatingly common and rarely prosecuted. Recently a friend told me that she wrote an article for her college paper about an acquaintance date rape which led the girl to drop out of school. At the time her professors hailed her for speaking up but the guys on campus felt betrayed by her article. 20 years later at a reunion her male friends still blamed her for vilifying their friends.
Am I surprised that you blame yourself for this happening? Of course not, but it makes me so weary. "No means No" does not go anywhere near far enough. I don't know if you even said No, to this acquaintance but it shouldn't matter, you should not have to say anything, if you are not actively encouraging him he needed to stop.
We need to train our young men to understand that if you are not being intimate (connecting deeply with your partner as a whole person, not just as an object to utilize in achieving orgasm) then you should not be sexual.
John let you down. He was not there for you and something terrible happened and you should be angry with him. This however, is not his fault. You do not need to keep him as a friend but do not try to lay this at anyone's feet but the man who did it.
You have survived a horrible trauma and the pain is trying to release itself in anyway you can allow it to. I hope that you are involved in some sort of counseling for this to help you heal as quickly as possible. Most states have a number of agencies that provide free counseling for survivors of sexual assault. In the Chicago area Porchlight counseling services works with college age survivors, or places like Zacharias Center work with survivors of any age.
To sum up, when you have survived a trauma do not expect your feelings to be rational or appropriate in scale until you have done a good deal of healing work. Working with a therapist you can begin to understand why one thing triggers you more than another, but only with time and work will your feelings begin to fall back into their normal shape.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
strip club fun for 21st b-day?
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Question: My 21st birthday is coming up and I don't really drink much so I was thinking about celebrating by going to a strip club with some friends. Part of me is excited about the idea, I've never had a girlfriend and I've always been really curious about what a strip club is like. Part of me is really nervous because I guess I've always been taught it is wrong. These women aren't forced to be there and they make a good living, so is there anything wrong with going to a strip club?
Answer: One definition of sin is to choose to do anything which you believe is wrong. It doesn't matter if it is eating meat or farting in an elevator if you believe it is wrong and you do it anyway you are probably going to regret it.
I must confess my bias when answering this question. I am personally opposed to strip clubs on moral and practical grounds.
You point out correctly that the women who work as dancers in strip clubs are not forced to be there and thus you are not violating their rights by going in and ogling them. It has been my experience, however, that many women who are sex workers (aka prostitutes), pornographic actresses, and to a lesser extent exotic dancers (aka strippers), have been victims of sexual abuse and/or assault and their willingness to expose their bodies is related to a lack of self worth and an unhealthy need for male attention. That creeps me out and makes me feel horribly guilty for even being of the same sex as the men who assaulted them.
Also I am a feminist and I believe that strip clubs and pornography impact us all negatively by reinforcing the concept that women are sex objects and they suggest a standard of beauty that can only be achieved by cosmetic surgery. Little boys who believe this is what they should be looking for are not growing up looking for partners but for objects to please them. Little girls who see these images cannot help feeling like they fail to measure up and that their natural beauty will not be enough.
On practical grounds strip clubs are designed to arouse which can only lead to 3 possible outcomes. 1.) they fail to arouse and you have wasted time and money 2.) they successfully arouse and you leave the premises uncomfortably unsatisfied 3.) they successfully arouse to the point where the customer ejaculates and that just seems messy and uncomfortable in a public setting. Thanks but I'll pass.
Again that is my personal bias. I have many close friends who truly enjoy frequenting such establishments. These are not bad guys but they are willing to accept the consequences. It will impact the way people think of you when they know you pay for such entertainment. If you would be mortified if your parents or grandparents found out, you probably shouldn't do it.
Another concern, if you are a person who has not had a lot of female attention, is these places can bleed you dry of every dollar. It is certainly not unheard of for men to become addicted to the attention they receive from the dancers and to drain their bank accounts to continually get the good feeling they find at the strip club.
Ultimately this is a personal decision and nothing terrible is likely to happen if you spend your 21st birthday at a strip club. It is a much safer choice than trying to do 21 shots. That being said if you are questioning whether this is the right plan for you it probably isn't.
As William Faulkner said in The Sound and the Fury "Each man is the arbiter of his own virtue" only you can say if going to a strip club makes you a good or bad person, but if you are worried about people judging you, they will, and you have to be prepared to deal with that.
Question: My 21st birthday is coming up and I don't really drink much so I was thinking about celebrating by going to a strip club with some friends. Part of me is excited about the idea, I've never had a girlfriend and I've always been really curious about what a strip club is like. Part of me is really nervous because I guess I've always been taught it is wrong. These women aren't forced to be there and they make a good living, so is there anything wrong with going to a strip club?
Answer: One definition of sin is to choose to do anything which you believe is wrong. It doesn't matter if it is eating meat or farting in an elevator if you believe it is wrong and you do it anyway you are probably going to regret it.
I must confess my bias when answering this question. I am personally opposed to strip clubs on moral and practical grounds.
You point out correctly that the women who work as dancers in strip clubs are not forced to be there and thus you are not violating their rights by going in and ogling them. It has been my experience, however, that many women who are sex workers (aka prostitutes), pornographic actresses, and to a lesser extent exotic dancers (aka strippers), have been victims of sexual abuse and/or assault and their willingness to expose their bodies is related to a lack of self worth and an unhealthy need for male attention. That creeps me out and makes me feel horribly guilty for even being of the same sex as the men who assaulted them.
Also I am a feminist and I believe that strip clubs and pornography impact us all negatively by reinforcing the concept that women are sex objects and they suggest a standard of beauty that can only be achieved by cosmetic surgery. Little boys who believe this is what they should be looking for are not growing up looking for partners but for objects to please them. Little girls who see these images cannot help feeling like they fail to measure up and that their natural beauty will not be enough.
On practical grounds strip clubs are designed to arouse which can only lead to 3 possible outcomes. 1.) they fail to arouse and you have wasted time and money 2.) they successfully arouse and you leave the premises uncomfortably unsatisfied 3.) they successfully arouse to the point where the customer ejaculates and that just seems messy and uncomfortable in a public setting. Thanks but I'll pass.
Again that is my personal bias. I have many close friends who truly enjoy frequenting such establishments. These are not bad guys but they are willing to accept the consequences. It will impact the way people think of you when they know you pay for such entertainment. If you would be mortified if your parents or grandparents found out, you probably shouldn't do it.
Another concern, if you are a person who has not had a lot of female attention, is these places can bleed you dry of every dollar. It is certainly not unheard of for men to become addicted to the attention they receive from the dancers and to drain their bank accounts to continually get the good feeling they find at the strip club.
Ultimately this is a personal decision and nothing terrible is likely to happen if you spend your 21st birthday at a strip club. It is a much safer choice than trying to do 21 shots. That being said if you are questioning whether this is the right plan for you it probably isn't.
As William Faulkner said in The Sound and the Fury "Each man is the arbiter of his own virtue" only you can say if going to a strip club makes you a good or bad person, but if you are worried about people judging you, they will, and you have to be prepared to deal with that.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
should I have sold her ring?
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Question: I was dating my ex-girlfriend for almost two years and I bought her this ring. It wasn't an engagement ring but maybe kind of a promise ring, and I paid way too much for it, almost $1000. Two months later she broke up with me and eventually she gave me the ring back. I couldn't stand looking at it. Despite the fact that we broke up more than a year ago I'm still not 100% over her. So the other day I sold the ring at a pawn shop for $75. I feel so stupid. I hated having it here but now that it is gone and all I got was $75 I feel so angry all the time. When I'm not angry I feel empty. Should I go get the ring back?
Answer: That ring will not fill the emptiness inside or assuage your anger or regret. The only way forward is letting go, choosing to be thankful rather than bitter about where you stand today. $75 on a thousand dollar ring is a terrible trade, but $75 is a hell of a lot better than nothing.
There is no right answer as to what we do with all the things that pile up over the course of a long relationship. You can burn it, toss it, give it back, keep it in the basement for the rest of your life, there is no correct course of action. What is important is not allowing past relationships and the keepsakes that represent them torture you.
Sometimes we imbue an object with a talisman effect. A lucky penny, a grandfather's watch, a Walter Payton jersey that you have to wear to watch every game. These objects (or sometimes they can be pictures, images, songs, or smells) are connected to a feeling and a place and time in our lives.
When something painful gets paired with that talisman it is less important to destroy or hide from the object than it is to deal with the painful feelings that it is brining up. Some wounds simply need time, and in the case of a break up or a death, it is not healthy to abuse yourself by focusing on your pain until some time has passed.
In the case of this ring, more than a year has passed so it sounds like you need to put some energy into exploring why this wound has not healed more fully. At the same time letting go of the ring may be an important step in your healing because it is a symbol of the relationship and the start of letting go.
Question: I was dating my ex-girlfriend for almost two years and I bought her this ring. It wasn't an engagement ring but maybe kind of a promise ring, and I paid way too much for it, almost $1000. Two months later she broke up with me and eventually she gave me the ring back. I couldn't stand looking at it. Despite the fact that we broke up more than a year ago I'm still not 100% over her. So the other day I sold the ring at a pawn shop for $75. I feel so stupid. I hated having it here but now that it is gone and all I got was $75 I feel so angry all the time. When I'm not angry I feel empty. Should I go get the ring back?
Answer: That ring will not fill the emptiness inside or assuage your anger or regret. The only way forward is letting go, choosing to be thankful rather than bitter about where you stand today. $75 on a thousand dollar ring is a terrible trade, but $75 is a hell of a lot better than nothing.
There is no right answer as to what we do with all the things that pile up over the course of a long relationship. You can burn it, toss it, give it back, keep it in the basement for the rest of your life, there is no correct course of action. What is important is not allowing past relationships and the keepsakes that represent them torture you.
Sometimes we imbue an object with a talisman effect. A lucky penny, a grandfather's watch, a Walter Payton jersey that you have to wear to watch every game. These objects (or sometimes they can be pictures, images, songs, or smells) are connected to a feeling and a place and time in our lives.
When something painful gets paired with that talisman it is less important to destroy or hide from the object than it is to deal with the painful feelings that it is brining up. Some wounds simply need time, and in the case of a break up or a death, it is not healthy to abuse yourself by focusing on your pain until some time has passed.
In the case of this ring, more than a year has passed so it sounds like you need to put some energy into exploring why this wound has not healed more fully. At the same time letting go of the ring may be an important step in your healing because it is a symbol of the relationship and the start of letting go.
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