What if I can't enjoy sex while sober

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Question:  I love my boyfriend, he is awesome, he treats me well and he is really cute.  We have been dating for almost two years and we are really comfortable together.  The problem is our sex kinda stinks.  I used to really enjoy sex and get into it and especially lately I feel like I'm just waiting for him to be done.  I debate faking an orgasm just so he will finish faster and then I feel guilty.  I thought about it and I can't remember ever really enjoying sex when I wasn't drunk or high.  I think then I could just feel it, but now I find myself thinking about other things and I can't shut my brain off.  I think about how fat I look or I wonder if he is thinking about other girls.  If I am going to spend my life with this guy something needs to change.  I want to enjoy sex again, but I'm afraid to tell him how I'm feeling and it just isn't practical for me to get drunk or high every time we are going to make love. 

Answer:  Self conscious:  to be aware of one's self.  Doesn't sound like a bad thing but the goal of sex, good sex at least, is to fuse two I's into one and allow feeling overtake our minds.  In the past you used drugs and alcohol to push the mind out of the equation but they create their own barriers.  The best sex of your life is ahead of you not behind, but you must first learn to get excited about your self and your body, and then teach your boyfriend what works best for you to heighten the experience.  

Fake it till you make it is a common phrase used in addictions treatment.  It does not mean that you should pretend to be sober, it means that before you really believe that change is possible you have to embrace it with your mind and live as if you did believe it.

When having sex with your boyfriend do not fake orgasms as that is only likely to keep the same negative patterns going.  Do move and breathe as if really enjoyable sex is possible for you and it is more likely to be achieved.  As you increase your heart rate and blood flow to your erogenous zones you become more likely to orgasm.

Since many women never orgasm through vaginal penetration use foreplay or post play to help you get off.  If you define successful sex only as when both of you climax near the same time you are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on.  Change your definition to make successful sex any sex or play that you enjoy and wish to have more of.

If you have had a problem with him lasting too long and wishing he was done get him closer to climax when you begin and this will be less of  an issue. Many young men have been fooled by the porn industry into believing that all women want their man to just pound away as hard as they can for 90 minutes or more.  That leads to a lot of sore pubic areas and chaffing and not a lot of satisfaction for the gals.

If you feel comfortable enough consider masturbating with your boyfriend so he can see what really does get you off.  Most men want nothing more than to be a successful lover and if you suggest things in a positive way he will not be offended.

For example, if you say "I hate being on top because you make me do all the work and I don't like to look down at my body" the typical man will try to convince you that you look fine and that he will do more work.

If what you want is to try a different position focus on the positive you want to see by saying something like, "I can't wait to see you, I've been thinking all day about you and me in the dark with you (pick position/activity/idea)."  By framing things positively your man will be excited to learn and you are more likely to lose yourself in the experience.

Drugs and alcohol are not the key to having good sex.  The keys are trust, communication, and enthusiasm.  We know that we don't need a partner to get off so if  having your partner in the room is more of a barrier than an aid in achieving orgasm then we must change the trust level and the expectations. 

Should girlfriends taste like smoke?

Question:  I have been seeing this girl for the past 6 months that I am deeply in love with. We get along great, if we ever have a problem we bring it up to each other in a peaceful calm manner and solve it there and then. Lately I think she has been smoking because whenever I kiss her, her mouth tastes like an ash tray. I've hinted her whenever we're in conversation that smoking is gross and very unattractive to me and she agrees with me but she still tastes like it sometimes when we kiss. First time I noticed this I asked her if she was smoking and she seemed to take a little offense to it and said no. On occasion it continues. Her mother does the same thing with smoking and acting like she doesn't. What should I do? I don't want to seem like a controlling boyfriend by saying don't do it but I do want it to stop because I feel like shes lying to me.


Answer:  Take a second to think about this from her perspective. Either one of two things is happening, she is an occasional smoker and likes smoking and wants to keep doing it, but she also knows you don't approve and are unlikely to be convinced that it is okay. Or she doesn't smoke and occasionally for some reason she just has bad breath.


Either way you are accusing her of something uncomfortable and she has no way to win. If she is a smoker and she is honest with you she is either going to have to lose smoking or lose you (well maybe not lose you but deal with your disapproval). If she is not a smoker well then that is just awkward.



Is smoking a deal breaker for you? Is bad breath? Is honesty?



Assume that she is smoking and put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would like her to react. Then pretend she is not smoking and ask yourself the same question.



Ultimately you will need to have a very direct conversation with her. No beating around the bush about how you don't like smoking generally, but the next time you feel like you taste it you need to say (you can also do this in letter format)



"Hey we need to talk. I'm really confused because I feel like there are times when I keep tasting smoke when we kiss. Part of me wants to believe you that you don't smoke and I feel like a jerk for bringing this up if it is just some odd dental condition, but when I see the way your Mom hides her smoking it makes me wonder. I hope you realize how much I love you and that if you did feel the need to smoke from time to time it would be so much more important to me that you were honest about it than the issue of whether or not you did it. I am not saying you were lying to me before but I try to put myself in your shoes and I feel like I would have made it pretty hard for you to be honest if you had been smoking when I went on and on about how much I disapproved of it. I want to have a long relationship with you and smoking is not a deal breaker with me, but trust and honesty are. Also nice breath is pretty important. If I ever have smoky, galic, onion, pretzel or any other kind of unpleasant taste in my mouth I really want you to tell me so I can chew some gum or get a mint or something. I want your permission to bring this up to you if I notice it. To be honest I kinda hope you have been smoking because that will be a lot easier to fix than if this is some kind of stomach condition. More importantly I hope we can both be open and honest with each other about the little things and you never feel like you have to hide something from me.



Or tell her something like that. The main idea is whatever is wrong with the taste in her mouth you get rid of it and you lay the ground work for her to be honest in the future. It is unlikely if she has been smoking that she is just going to come right out and admit it, but she might if she would prefer you think that than she just has smoky gross mouth. Believe it or not I have seen people lose multi-year relationships over stuff as little as oral hygine when the one partner tried to just drop hints and wait for it to get better. If you like this girl you owe it to her and the relationship to be more direct.