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Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and lately it seems I am always the one who has to initiate sex or any kind cuddling or intimacy. He is not the type to cheat, but over the years we have had several arguments about porn and although he swore he would stop using it, when I checked the Internet search history it was obvious he had been using it A LOT. My friends tell me that most guys check out porn, but I feel like a 24 year old guy should still have enough energy left for his girlfriend. To be honest I hate that he uses it at all, I feel like I should be enough for him, then when we are together and he doesn't stay "excited" I feel like a failure. What am I supposed to do? I've already asked him to stop using porn and he lied to me. I love him but I feel like I'm in a fight I can't win. Should I insist he go into counseling or I break up with him? Help!
Answer: I'm not sure if he is an addict but your boyfriend certainly has a porn problem. A person has a problem with any issue (drinking, drugs, gambling, self injury, sex) when they persist in a behavior even after it has caused problems in their life functioning and/or relationships.
Whether or not he is addicted getting rid of the porn is not going to fix your relationship because the real problem is communication, and until that is fixed neither of you are getting your sexual or intimacy needs met.
I'm guessing that your boyfriend discovered porn long before the two of you met and it filled niche for him in his life. It was a readily available, low cost/consequence way to find sexual release. When you guys began to connect the excitement of the relationship was probably enough to gratify him, or maybe he continued using porn in conjunction with your relationship. Regardless, most people in a new relationship are hesitant to share their sexual fantasies for fear of being rejected.
Somewhere along the way you discovered his use of porn and you broadcast a message loud and clear that you were not okay with it. An unintended consequence of this was that you probably caused him to feel shame and this led him to close off communication about his sexual needs and desires.
Now the question becomes how can your boyfriend win? If he has a desire for something outside the pattern of love making that you have developed he cannot express it without risking rejection. If he seeks out porn for release he is lying to you and betraying you. As the relationship continues the increased pressure he feels sounds like it is leading to some erectile dysfunction and the shame spiral just gets worse.
As an added complication, some men who are porn/masturbation addicted can have a very hard time ejaculating without the familiar pressure that only they know how to provide. As much as vagina/mouth/anus of a partner might be infinitely more desirable to them in concept in real life the body may only respond to what it has grown accustomed to.
The fix for this is simple. Get curious. You need to approach your boyfriend and in an open and non-judgemental way and explore with him what he was getting from the porn. As long as it does not involve something illegal or immoral perhaps there is a way you can share some of his turn ons and stop having to view porn as a competitor. Your boyfriend will probably be suspicious that this is some kind of trap and will be hesitant to share so it is likely you will have to provide him with some of your hidden desires first until he can really trust that it is okay to share.
Although most porn is sexist, misogynistic, insipid and of low quality, you might be able to find some movies that are not pornographic but still provide enough sexual tension to excite both of you.
One way to help take away the pressure on sex is to set a goal up front of making love without penetration. There are a million ways to get each other off and if the activity involves sharing and connection then that is what making love is really all about. People have sex with each other every day without any connection being shared, and that kind of mutual masturbation using each other's bodies is not likely to bring contentment back to your relationship.
If after you try these things you feel that your boyfriend's use of porn is still a competitor and something that is getting in the way of the two of you feeling connection and intimacy, then don't give him an ultimatum, talk to him about it. If he is willing to seek help support that, if he isn't it may be time for you to move on, but do not attempt to force him into anything as he has already shown that would just lead to lying and more mistrust.
Ultimately your intimacy will be only as good as your communication. Until you can establish that either of you can ask for anything (doesn't mean you will get it) without being judged there will be a barrier between you. Seek to break down that barrier to communication and you may find that a lot of pleasant nights lay ahead.
