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Question: I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for two years. When things are good they are fantastic, he makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in the universe. When things are not good, which is most of the time, he treats me like I'm a moron and he finds ways to bring up all the mistakes I've made in the past, over and over and over. We've broken up several times but when we are apart all I can think of are the good times and I fear I will never find that with anyone else. We are supposed to go on vacation next week with his family, a trip we have been planning for months. I know I need to break up with him but as bad as this sounds I think I'm partially staying with him because I don't want to ruin this vacation for everyone. Am I as pathetic as that sounds?
Answer: If you have put up with this crap for two years you've earned a vacation, go for it, enjoy yourself and then demand something better.
Here is the danger. There is always a vacation, a death in the family, a big test coming up, an excuse for why now is not the time to end this toxic relationship.
There are two possibilities either this relationship has a chance or it doesn't. If it is to have a chance then you have to start demanding better treatment or you must be willing walk away. If you are not honestly willing to leave he will never change.
We all have lines that we would never allow to be crossed. Right now you say, "If he ever put a gun to my head or slept with my sister I would break up with him in a heart beat." So why are those things deal breakers but him treating you like a moron gets a pass.
What we tolerate we teach, what we permit we promote. We train people on how to treat us and right now you are telling him that you think these things are okay. He may never become violent with you but these are the patterns of a domestic violence relationship.
Before you break up with him, if you want it to stick this time, you have to be ready to fill the void he will leave in your life with other things. We cannot take something away without replacing it with something else.
Sign up for an art or dance class, get a friend who will support this decision to be your "sponsor" so you can call her in the middle of the night when you are feeling like going back to him and she can remind you that you deserve to be treated like a partner not an underling.
So, begin the process of getting these potential supports in place. Go on the vacation, and when you get back start demanding respect. If he doesn't give it to you immediately you do not have to walk out, but tell him you expect an apology and do not talk to him until you get one. If he breaks up with you for this he has just done you a huge favor.
In the meantime wear your sun screen and come back from vacation feeling great and confident and hopefully you will find a man who is ready to treat you well has been waiting for his chance to be in your life.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
my 13 year old is smoking weed
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Question: Yesterday I came home to find my 13 year old son smoking weed behind the garage by himself. I started smoking weed at his age so I feel like a total hypocrite coming down on him, but I never smoked by myself. Is there anything I can do to prevent this or is this just what kids do?
Answer: Ultimately if your son is determined to smoke weed or run away or masturbate in public you can't stop him but there are a lot of things you can do before you throw your hands up and let him raise himself.
First the hypocrisy issue. Just because you are a hypocrite doesn't make you wrong. Hopefully you have stopped smoking weed at this stage of your life, but even if you haven't or if you drink alcohol your son may still call you a hypocrite. You still have the right to be worried about your son just as you would be if he was climbing a tall tree that you used to climb or taking the car out on a joy ride.
You want to explain to your son what your honest fears are. Don't try the DARE approach of scaring him, that doesn't work. Acknowledge that smoking weed will not kill him, but anything we start early in life is likely to become a habit. That is why we try so hard to get them to use assignment notebooks. If you have an illegal habit you are likely to eventually get caught and have consequences.
Your goal is not to have a debate and convince him, just to share your honest feelings. The research indicates that kids who choose not to use drugs and alcohol do so in large part because there is an adult in their life who would be very disappointed. Don't fake it but if you are disappointed express that. Screaming and yelling at him will probably only make the situation worse.
Try to find out from him as much as he is willing to tell you about why he smokes so that you can give him a better alternative. If he is just bored sign him up for karate or ballet, if he is feeling depressed or social anxiety get him into counseling. If it was just because his peer group started doing it and he figured "why not" you are going to give him consequences to help with that.
Kids who are in clubs, sports, activities drink and do drugs too, but they tend to do it at a lesser rate especially if their closest friends don't. The more your son is involved with something healthy he is passionate about the less likely that drugs will become his passion.
So step 1: Talk, tell him what your fears are. step 2: Listen, find out what you can about what he needs to make better choices. step 3: Encourage, him to start pouring energy into his passion. Step 4: Consequences, explain what the consequences of this decision are now and what they will be if it happens again.
As much as possible consequences should fit the crime. If he said he smoked weed because he was bored you can give him 3 weeks of heavy chores around the house and 20 hours of community service at a non-profit of his choice. Church, writing letters to soldiers, dog walking at an animal shelter, whatever.
If he did it for social reasons 3 weeks of no contact with that social group outside of school. You take his phone any time he does not need it, no Internet, he doesn't go out and if he wants to see friends it is at your house.
If he is depressed or anxious you get him to a doctor and there is no punishment.
Regardless of the reason you buy 6-10 drug tests. You can find them online or at some drug stores for about $40-60. If he has the money in his bank account I would suggest he pays for them. You tell him that for the next 6 months he will have random drug tests. If he is clean, which you expect he will be, things will go back to normal. If he gets a "dirty drop" he will again be highly restricted, you will be disappointed, and you will be looking into drug treatment.
Drug testing your son sounds like you don't trust him. Well you don't, and you shouldn't, but this is also a gift to him. By doing this you give him an honest excuse not to use when he is with his friends and they start to smoke.
Finally if it was my 13 year old son I would make an effort to try to get him to tell me who he got it from. If I found out I would make sure to call that kids parents and possibly the school and police as well. You do this for two reasons, first because as a parent you wish someone had called you, and second because you want to burn his connection to his source if you can. Sure he can always find another but we don't need to make that an easy process.
Be prepared however, that there is a good chance that he got it from someone in your own family, a neighbor, or someone else that you like. Good people often do drugs. This is what is messing with you and your son. Good people do a lot of things that can lead to consequences and it is your job as a parent to provide your son with consequences for risky choices until he is old enough that his judgement is sound on his own, or he is living independently and the choices are all his.
Question: Yesterday I came home to find my 13 year old son smoking weed behind the garage by himself. I started smoking weed at his age so I feel like a total hypocrite coming down on him, but I never smoked by myself. Is there anything I can do to prevent this or is this just what kids do?
Answer: Ultimately if your son is determined to smoke weed or run away or masturbate in public you can't stop him but there are a lot of things you can do before you throw your hands up and let him raise himself.
First the hypocrisy issue. Just because you are a hypocrite doesn't make you wrong. Hopefully you have stopped smoking weed at this stage of your life, but even if you haven't or if you drink alcohol your son may still call you a hypocrite. You still have the right to be worried about your son just as you would be if he was climbing a tall tree that you used to climb or taking the car out on a joy ride.
You want to explain to your son what your honest fears are. Don't try the DARE approach of scaring him, that doesn't work. Acknowledge that smoking weed will not kill him, but anything we start early in life is likely to become a habit. That is why we try so hard to get them to use assignment notebooks. If you have an illegal habit you are likely to eventually get caught and have consequences.
Your goal is not to have a debate and convince him, just to share your honest feelings. The research indicates that kids who choose not to use drugs and alcohol do so in large part because there is an adult in their life who would be very disappointed. Don't fake it but if you are disappointed express that. Screaming and yelling at him will probably only make the situation worse.
Try to find out from him as much as he is willing to tell you about why he smokes so that you can give him a better alternative. If he is just bored sign him up for karate or ballet, if he is feeling depressed or social anxiety get him into counseling. If it was just because his peer group started doing it and he figured "why not" you are going to give him consequences to help with that.
Kids who are in clubs, sports, activities drink and do drugs too, but they tend to do it at a lesser rate especially if their closest friends don't. The more your son is involved with something healthy he is passionate about the less likely that drugs will become his passion.
So step 1: Talk, tell him what your fears are. step 2: Listen, find out what you can about what he needs to make better choices. step 3: Encourage, him to start pouring energy into his passion. Step 4: Consequences, explain what the consequences of this decision are now and what they will be if it happens again.
As much as possible consequences should fit the crime. If he said he smoked weed because he was bored you can give him 3 weeks of heavy chores around the house and 20 hours of community service at a non-profit of his choice. Church, writing letters to soldiers, dog walking at an animal shelter, whatever.
If he did it for social reasons 3 weeks of no contact with that social group outside of school. You take his phone any time he does not need it, no Internet, he doesn't go out and if he wants to see friends it is at your house.
If he is depressed or anxious you get him to a doctor and there is no punishment.
Regardless of the reason you buy 6-10 drug tests. You can find them online or at some drug stores for about $40-60. If he has the money in his bank account I would suggest he pays for them. You tell him that for the next 6 months he will have random drug tests. If he is clean, which you expect he will be, things will go back to normal. If he gets a "dirty drop" he will again be highly restricted, you will be disappointed, and you will be looking into drug treatment.
Drug testing your son sounds like you don't trust him. Well you don't, and you shouldn't, but this is also a gift to him. By doing this you give him an honest excuse not to use when he is with his friends and they start to smoke.
Finally if it was my 13 year old son I would make an effort to try to get him to tell me who he got it from. If I found out I would make sure to call that kids parents and possibly the school and police as well. You do this for two reasons, first because as a parent you wish someone had called you, and second because you want to burn his connection to his source if you can. Sure he can always find another but we don't need to make that an easy process.
Be prepared however, that there is a good chance that he got it from someone in your own family, a neighbor, or someone else that you like. Good people often do drugs. This is what is messing with you and your son. Good people do a lot of things that can lead to consequences and it is your job as a parent to provide your son with consequences for risky choices until he is old enough that his judgement is sound on his own, or he is living independently and the choices are all his.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
How do I kick my daughter out?
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Question: My husband and I are fighting constantly and it is always about my daughter. We are at an age where we thought we would be retired and on our own. Instead my adult son and his two children are living with us, as well as my adult daughter, and two large dogs, all in a tiny two bedroom house. We love our children and we know we have enabled them for too long. Now when we tell my daughter she needs to move out she claims there are no jobs to be had and just sleeps all day. I get filled with rage and take it out on my husband. If something doesn't change soon I'm afraid my husband or I will have a heart attack. What are we supposed to do?
Answer: Tell your daughter she needs to leave, give her what you think is a reasonable amount of lead time, and enforce the consequence WITHOUT ANGER.
Anger has a function. It is the emotional equivalent of pain. Both are designed to tell you that something is going wrong and if change doesn't happen damage will occur. Your anger is working properly but instead of listening to it you manage it by taking it out on your husband.
Often we feed our anger because we afraid that without it we will not have the strength to confront people and make change. It sounds like your anger allows you to confront but does not lead to change so if it isn't working we need to let it go and find something that will work.
Perhaps you have done your children a disservice by doing too much for them early in life. Often it is faster and easier to just fix/do things yourself rather than watch your children muddle through and screw it up. Even if this is the case do not allow your guilt to continue to destroy your life and theirs.
Some day you will die. Hopefully your children will out live you. At this point it is no longer about teaching life lessons, life will do that, it is triage and salvage of the time that is left. You must stop rescuing your children from situations that they will not be able to rescue themselves from after you are gone.
You are not doing this to prove a point, you are doing it because if you keep putting all your energy into your children's problems you will not have enough left for yourself and stress will take a terrible toll on your health.
Do not scream at your daughter or your husband. Tell her she has one month to find another place to stay. If she chooses to be homeless that is her right. She will always be able to get a meal from you and if she needs to stay with you for a couple days that option will be open as long as you are convinced that the situation is temporary because she has a reasonable plan that will lead her to her next dwelling.
You must be prepared to allow your daughter to sleep in her car or a homeless shelter for a few days because she will not believe that you will really do this until it has actually happened.
When you weaken and are about to take her back in ask yourself if you are doing it for her or to assuage your own guilt. If you are really doing it for her let her in, but if you are doing it so you don't feel guilty then that is when you will have truly failed her.
By doing this while you are still alive there is a chance that you can still give her some support (extra silverware, an old couch, a few meals) if she just stays with you until you die then what chance will she have of making it as an independent person?
So give your daughter a time line and offer to support her in looking for a job or a place (try Craig's list to find roommates). When she ignores you do not be surprised or angry but buy some boxes and prepare to pack up her things and change the locks on the day you have indicated. If she is really making effort to find a job and requests more time then you can consider it but if she has made no effort then you must enforce the consequence or she will continue to ignore you.
It does not matter if your children are 3 or 30 it is never easy to see them fall. At the same time experience is life's greatest teacher and to protect them from consequences is to deny them an education. Do not let your guilt destroy what should be golden years with your husband. Love your daughter and push her from the nest.
Question: My husband and I are fighting constantly and it is always about my daughter. We are at an age where we thought we would be retired and on our own. Instead my adult son and his two children are living with us, as well as my adult daughter, and two large dogs, all in a tiny two bedroom house. We love our children and we know we have enabled them for too long. Now when we tell my daughter she needs to move out she claims there are no jobs to be had and just sleeps all day. I get filled with rage and take it out on my husband. If something doesn't change soon I'm afraid my husband or I will have a heart attack. What are we supposed to do?
Answer: Tell your daughter she needs to leave, give her what you think is a reasonable amount of lead time, and enforce the consequence WITHOUT ANGER.
Anger has a function. It is the emotional equivalent of pain. Both are designed to tell you that something is going wrong and if change doesn't happen damage will occur. Your anger is working properly but instead of listening to it you manage it by taking it out on your husband.
Often we feed our anger because we afraid that without it we will not have the strength to confront people and make change. It sounds like your anger allows you to confront but does not lead to change so if it isn't working we need to let it go and find something that will work.
Perhaps you have done your children a disservice by doing too much for them early in life. Often it is faster and easier to just fix/do things yourself rather than watch your children muddle through and screw it up. Even if this is the case do not allow your guilt to continue to destroy your life and theirs.
Some day you will die. Hopefully your children will out live you. At this point it is no longer about teaching life lessons, life will do that, it is triage and salvage of the time that is left. You must stop rescuing your children from situations that they will not be able to rescue themselves from after you are gone.
You are not doing this to prove a point, you are doing it because if you keep putting all your energy into your children's problems you will not have enough left for yourself and stress will take a terrible toll on your health.
Do not scream at your daughter or your husband. Tell her she has one month to find another place to stay. If she chooses to be homeless that is her right. She will always be able to get a meal from you and if she needs to stay with you for a couple days that option will be open as long as you are convinced that the situation is temporary because she has a reasonable plan that will lead her to her next dwelling.
You must be prepared to allow your daughter to sleep in her car or a homeless shelter for a few days because she will not believe that you will really do this until it has actually happened.
When you weaken and are about to take her back in ask yourself if you are doing it for her or to assuage your own guilt. If you are really doing it for her let her in, but if you are doing it so you don't feel guilty then that is when you will have truly failed her.
By doing this while you are still alive there is a chance that you can still give her some support (extra silverware, an old couch, a few meals) if she just stays with you until you die then what chance will she have of making it as an independent person?
So give your daughter a time line and offer to support her in looking for a job or a place (try Craig's list to find roommates). When she ignores you do not be surprised or angry but buy some boxes and prepare to pack up her things and change the locks on the day you have indicated. If she is really making effort to find a job and requests more time then you can consider it but if she has made no effort then you must enforce the consequence or she will continue to ignore you.
It does not matter if your children are 3 or 30 it is never easy to see them fall. At the same time experience is life's greatest teacher and to protect them from consequences is to deny them an education. Do not let your guilt destroy what should be golden years with your husband. Love your daughter and push her from the nest.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
my boyfriend stole my car
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Question: My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a former meth addict. He had really turned his life around for quite awhile but the demons of having been sexually abused as a child keep haunting him. We go to the same university and live together. He does not have permission to use my car but the other night he took it when I was asleep, went out and got drunk and passed out in the car until the next day. Now he does not understand why I'm still mad about it, since the car wasn't damaged. I guess I'm mostly mad at myself for falling in love with yet another guy who is going to put substance use ahead of my feelings. I'm not stupid but since I keep falling for the same type of guy I just want to stick it out with one, especially one who really understands my old wounds like this one does. Help.
Answer: You have decide what you love more your boyfriend as a person or the fact that he needs you.
If you do not leave today get yourself a good therapist and tell him you will not have contact with him until he is in treatment one of three things will happen and you won't like any of them. 1.) he will get better and you will lose interest. 2.) He will get worse and drain you emotionally until this kills him or you finally drop him. 3.) He will continue living life as a "functioning" addict and you will continue with co-dependence and both your lives will have his addictions as the center of your life for years.
If he says he will change he is lying. If he could have changed he would have already. Do you think he really likes living this way. Addicts will lie, cheat, steal and MANIPULATE, because NOTHING in this world can stand in the way of their need.
So you can continue to love him but you cannot trust him. Ideally trust and love are like a hand and a glove. You can have trust without love and it is still pretty powerful, but when you have love without trust it is like an empty glove, it has substance but no strength.
If you decide to stay with him you should go to AA with him. Not just so you can make sure he goes but because I have a feeling you will benefit from seeing how his path turns out.
You also need to get a lot more support for yourself to break the pattern of relationships that has led you to "yet another" guy like this. It seems like part of you believes you can only be safe in a relationship where the guy needs you. Otherwise he will abandon you. Guess what? This plan isn't protecting you from that very well.
So many women do not seek help for co-dependence, domestic violence, sexual assault, etc... because they are intelligent, beautiful, powerful women and they are ashamed that they got into this situation. Don't let your shame be a prison for the rest of your life.
Question: My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a former meth addict. He had really turned his life around for quite awhile but the demons of having been sexually abused as a child keep haunting him. We go to the same university and live together. He does not have permission to use my car but the other night he took it when I was asleep, went out and got drunk and passed out in the car until the next day. Now he does not understand why I'm still mad about it, since the car wasn't damaged. I guess I'm mostly mad at myself for falling in love with yet another guy who is going to put substance use ahead of my feelings. I'm not stupid but since I keep falling for the same type of guy I just want to stick it out with one, especially one who really understands my old wounds like this one does. Help.
Answer: You have decide what you love more your boyfriend as a person or the fact that he needs you.
If you do not leave today get yourself a good therapist and tell him you will not have contact with him until he is in treatment one of three things will happen and you won't like any of them. 1.) he will get better and you will lose interest. 2.) He will get worse and drain you emotionally until this kills him or you finally drop him. 3.) He will continue living life as a "functioning" addict and you will continue with co-dependence and both your lives will have his addictions as the center of your life for years.
If he says he will change he is lying. If he could have changed he would have already. Do you think he really likes living this way. Addicts will lie, cheat, steal and MANIPULATE, because NOTHING in this world can stand in the way of their need.
So you can continue to love him but you cannot trust him. Ideally trust and love are like a hand and a glove. You can have trust without love and it is still pretty powerful, but when you have love without trust it is like an empty glove, it has substance but no strength.
If you decide to stay with him you should go to AA with him. Not just so you can make sure he goes but because I have a feeling you will benefit from seeing how his path turns out.
You also need to get a lot more support for yourself to break the pattern of relationships that has led you to "yet another" guy like this. It seems like part of you believes you can only be safe in a relationship where the guy needs you. Otherwise he will abandon you. Guess what? This plan isn't protecting you from that very well.
So many women do not seek help for co-dependence, domestic violence, sexual assault, etc... because they are intelligent, beautiful, powerful women and they are ashamed that they got into this situation. Don't let your shame be a prison for the rest of your life.
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