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Question: I'm about to leave for college, but I'm nervous that maybe I picked the wrong school. How do I know?
Answer: There is no such thing as a "bad school" and the quality of your experience will depend entirely on your expectations and attitude.
Nationally about 50% of college freshmen will not return for their sophomore year. Kids and parents spend so much time worrying about getting in to a "good school" that they forget the more important point, which is finding a school you will want to stay at until you graduate.
In Illinois 75% of high school graduates will go on to some form of post high school education but only 25% will get a bachelors degree. Granted many of these people never intended to get a bachelors degree, they were working toward an associates or certification. None the less we must ask the question why do so many students "fail out" of school?
I think it has a great deal to do with the stories people tell themselves about what college will be like. Two myths: 1.) it is a giant party all the time 2.) it is much harder than high school
The first myth leads kids to try to create the image they have seen in the movies. They party, they skip classes, they procrastinate to pull the stereotypical all nighter, and they fail classes.
The second myth leads back to the first. College is really not that hard. Once you have been accepted to an institution if you show up to every class and turn all your work in on time you will graduate. Outside of community colleges, institutions of higher education do not accept students who do not have the academic potential of doing the work they will see at that school. That would a bad business plan. Once students realize it is not that hard they go back to myth one.
The biggest problem is that most students never stop to ask themselves what they really wanted to get out of their college experience. Many will say "a good job" but they usually do not know how to define that and they fail to realize that even the Ivy League schools cannot guarantee a lucrative job upon graduation.
It always amuses me when students claim they could not go to a small school because they want to meet more people. No matter what size college you attend you only get 24 hours in a day. No person has room in their life for more than a dozen close friends, and even that would be extreme. The smallest colleges usually have at least a couple hundred people. Therefore your social experience is not limited by the size of your school but by the size of your imagination.
There is nothing wrong with transferring schools if you think you find a place that is a better fit, but before you go just be sure you know what you are hoping to get from that place. You cannot get what you want unless you know what you want, and those who fail to ask themselves this question are doomed to be disappointed.
Your school is going to be fantastic if you bring enthusiasm, and you don't wait back for the amazing experiences to find you, but you decide what you want and go after it.
Friday, August 28, 2009
just drinking a lot or drinking problem?
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Question: recently my husband has been drinking more and seems to try to hide it. He still seems to be functioning fine. I know he's not an alcoholic, but how do I know when to be concerned that this has become a drinking problem.
Answer: A person has a drinking problem when drinking leads to problems in their life. That answer is so simple that it may seem like I'm being facetious, I'm not.
Often people get lost in the details of semantics and word choice. What is the cut off between alcoholic and heavy drinker or eating disorder and disordered eating? To me at the end of the day when a person engages in any behavior that impairs their functioning, places stress on their relationships, is detrimental to their health, significantly impacts their finances, or any combination of these things, and yet they continue doing it, they have a problem.
I had a friend in college who had a B+ average. He went to class, had good relationships with people, stayed in shape, but two out of every three times he drank alcohol he would get in a fist fight or destroy property. Was he an alcoholic? Absolutely not. Did he have a drinking problem, YES. Fortunately after we talked to him he agreed and stopped drinking.
If your husband seems to be hiding his behavior you should absolutely be concerned about it because that means that he is. A rule of thumb for therapists is if you are afraid to tell your supervisor what you did you know you did something wrong. I think that maxim holds true for everyone.
There are two kinds of substance use, recreational and medicinal. When we use a substance in a social setting to enhance our experience and reduce our inhibitions this is recreational use. It may never be wise but at least this is usually the intended purpose of the substance. When we use any substance to change the way we are feeling, we are using it as a medicine. Any time we use "medicine", even those prescribed by a doctor, to get an effect that they were not designed for we are heading down a dangerous road.
For example if I have a headache from the stress of work and I decide to fix myself a cocktail to get rid of it I am using alcohol as a medicine. This can easily lead to a pattern where I increase my consumption as my stress increases and before long I have done damage to my body, my mind, and/or my relationships.
If you are concerned about your husband express it. Anytime we are afraid to bring a topic up with someone that is an indicator that we need to. Expect him to be defensive and counter that by pointing out your fears and ask that he merely look at it from your point of view. Hopefully he will decrease his consumption and replace alcohol with some far more healthy stress reliever.
Question: recently my husband has been drinking more and seems to try to hide it. He still seems to be functioning fine. I know he's not an alcoholic, but how do I know when to be concerned that this has become a drinking problem.
Answer: A person has a drinking problem when drinking leads to problems in their life. That answer is so simple that it may seem like I'm being facetious, I'm not.
Often people get lost in the details of semantics and word choice. What is the cut off between alcoholic and heavy drinker or eating disorder and disordered eating? To me at the end of the day when a person engages in any behavior that impairs their functioning, places stress on their relationships, is detrimental to their health, significantly impacts their finances, or any combination of these things, and yet they continue doing it, they have a problem.
I had a friend in college who had a B+ average. He went to class, had good relationships with people, stayed in shape, but two out of every three times he drank alcohol he would get in a fist fight or destroy property. Was he an alcoholic? Absolutely not. Did he have a drinking problem, YES. Fortunately after we talked to him he agreed and stopped drinking.
If your husband seems to be hiding his behavior you should absolutely be concerned about it because that means that he is. A rule of thumb for therapists is if you are afraid to tell your supervisor what you did you know you did something wrong. I think that maxim holds true for everyone.
There are two kinds of substance use, recreational and medicinal. When we use a substance in a social setting to enhance our experience and reduce our inhibitions this is recreational use. It may never be wise but at least this is usually the intended purpose of the substance. When we use any substance to change the way we are feeling, we are using it as a medicine. Any time we use "medicine", even those prescribed by a doctor, to get an effect that they were not designed for we are heading down a dangerous road.
For example if I have a headache from the stress of work and I decide to fix myself a cocktail to get rid of it I am using alcohol as a medicine. This can easily lead to a pattern where I increase my consumption as my stress increases and before long I have done damage to my body, my mind, and/or my relationships.
If you are concerned about your husband express it. Anytime we are afraid to bring a topic up with someone that is an indicator that we need to. Expect him to be defensive and counter that by pointing out your fears and ask that he merely look at it from your point of view. Hopefully he will decrease his consumption and replace alcohol with some far more healthy stress reliever.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
how do I tell my kids Grandpa died?
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Question: I have kids ranging from 5-17. Their Grandpa just died and I don't know what to say to them. Any suggestions?
Answer: Before we begin any project, or conversation we must ask ourselves two questions: What do I want? and What am I afraid of?
First you must ask yourself how you are hoping they will feel and understand after you are done talking with them. Usually with the death of a grandparent we are hoping our children will understand what has happened and will feel sad but supported and connected with the family.
We are often afraid that the way we reveal this information will be traumatizing to them, that they will withdraw, or in the case of the 5 year old, that they will not understand and will ask a number of questions we do not know how to answer. We may also be concerned that they will end up having nightmares or fears about death.
In order to both get what you want and avoid what you are afraid of you must anticipate their questions and be ready to answer them honestly. You must know what YOU believe happens after death and be ready to frame that in terms that are as positive as possible.
Children take their cues on whether or not they should be scared of something by watching their adult models. Unfortunately many adults are terrified to even think about death, or as Irvin Yalom terms it "stare into the sun."
People tend to face death and heal from it far more quickly if there are traditions and routines surrounding death that make it feel like it is part of a predictable process. Sitting your children down and explaining that Grandpa died, this is how I am feeling, and this is what is going to happen, makes them feel like things are under control.
Younger children will often begin to fear that their parents, or they themselves will die. It is good to reassure them before hand that this is very unlikely to happen for all the logical reasons you can think of. DO NOT LIE and assure them that you will not die because you are too young. You cannot promise this and it can make things complicated should a young person die in your life later on.
Let them know that death does not happen because God is mad, or people are bad. Remember that when you are 5 you really cannot process major abstract concepts and so they will seek to relate everything to what they can understand, everything being about them.
Religious beliefs often help people to process that there is a purpose to life and death so if you have these beliefs this is an important time to share them with your children. If you are filled with existential angst now is a time for framing the positives of what you do know, not sharing your dread.
One explanation that I have found useful is to talk of death as going to ones 4th life. I say, "The first parts of you entered life as two pieces, one from mommy and one from daddy, but they were both you and that was your first life. When those pieces found each other they became one and your first life ended and your second life began in your mommy's tummy. You lived there for 10 months and her tummy was your whole world, you don't remember but when the time came to leave it you were very scared. Your second life ended and you were born into your third life, and I bet you are glad you are here right? You had to spend time getting ready in your mommy's tummy so you would have all the things you needed in this world, although at the time you didn't know what your fingers and toes or even your mouth was for. Grandpa has been born now into his fourth life. We don't know what it will be like, but when I think about how much better this life is than being living in some body's tummy, I think it could be pretty amazing. Still we can't go to early because we wouldn't be ready. So we live in this life and we love one another and when we are ready we let go of this life and we go on to what is next. "
No matter what you say, communicate that death is not to be feared, but it is still okay to feel the loss of the person in your life and make time to talk about feelings and remember that person regularly as a family. The grieving process may take years, and that is okay, but the more you model allowing your feelings to come and sharing those feelings the faster you and your children will move to true acceptance.
Question: I have kids ranging from 5-17. Their Grandpa just died and I don't know what to say to them. Any suggestions?
Answer: Before we begin any project, or conversation we must ask ourselves two questions: What do I want? and What am I afraid of?
First you must ask yourself how you are hoping they will feel and understand after you are done talking with them. Usually with the death of a grandparent we are hoping our children will understand what has happened and will feel sad but supported and connected with the family.
We are often afraid that the way we reveal this information will be traumatizing to them, that they will withdraw, or in the case of the 5 year old, that they will not understand and will ask a number of questions we do not know how to answer. We may also be concerned that they will end up having nightmares or fears about death.
In order to both get what you want and avoid what you are afraid of you must anticipate their questions and be ready to answer them honestly. You must know what YOU believe happens after death and be ready to frame that in terms that are as positive as possible.
Children take their cues on whether or not they should be scared of something by watching their adult models. Unfortunately many adults are terrified to even think about death, or as Irvin Yalom terms it "stare into the sun."
People tend to face death and heal from it far more quickly if there are traditions and routines surrounding death that make it feel like it is part of a predictable process. Sitting your children down and explaining that Grandpa died, this is how I am feeling, and this is what is going to happen, makes them feel like things are under control.
Younger children will often begin to fear that their parents, or they themselves will die. It is good to reassure them before hand that this is very unlikely to happen for all the logical reasons you can think of. DO NOT LIE and assure them that you will not die because you are too young. You cannot promise this and it can make things complicated should a young person die in your life later on.
Let them know that death does not happen because God is mad, or people are bad. Remember that when you are 5 you really cannot process major abstract concepts and so they will seek to relate everything to what they can understand, everything being about them.
Religious beliefs often help people to process that there is a purpose to life and death so if you have these beliefs this is an important time to share them with your children. If you are filled with existential angst now is a time for framing the positives of what you do know, not sharing your dread.
One explanation that I have found useful is to talk of death as going to ones 4th life. I say, "The first parts of you entered life as two pieces, one from mommy and one from daddy, but they were both you and that was your first life. When those pieces found each other they became one and your first life ended and your second life began in your mommy's tummy. You lived there for 10 months and her tummy was your whole world, you don't remember but when the time came to leave it you were very scared. Your second life ended and you were born into your third life, and I bet you are glad you are here right? You had to spend time getting ready in your mommy's tummy so you would have all the things you needed in this world, although at the time you didn't know what your fingers and toes or even your mouth was for. Grandpa has been born now into his fourth life. We don't know what it will be like, but when I think about how much better this life is than being living in some body's tummy, I think it could be pretty amazing. Still we can't go to early because we wouldn't be ready. So we live in this life and we love one another and when we are ready we let go of this life and we go on to what is next. "
No matter what you say, communicate that death is not to be feared, but it is still okay to feel the loss of the person in your life and make time to talk about feelings and remember that person regularly as a family. The grieving process may take years, and that is okay, but the more you model allowing your feelings to come and sharing those feelings the faster you and your children will move to true acceptance.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
why can't life be fair?
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Question: Why is life so unfair. A friend of the family, a beautiful person, is dying of cancer. She doesn't deserve this. What is the point of life if bad things keep happening to good people.
Answer: I always tell my clients that fair died with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, horrible crash, very sad. As long as we pine for fairness it allows us to play the role of victim. Injustice has happened to me and I want restitution! Tough. Life does not work that way and the faster we accept that the faster we move on toward getting the best life we can have.
Some people misunderstand fair to begin with. They think fair is everyone getting the same deal. That isn't fair, because everyone doesn't want or need the same thing. This is one of the big reasons why Communism didn't work, it was kinda fair (in theory), but it sucked for everyone.
Even if you understand fair to mean each person gets what they need or what they deserve it takes a 30 second glance at any newspaper to see, this life isn't anything close to fair. They could rename the continent of Africa as Unfair-land, because I don't know who there is getting a fair deal.
We teach children the concept of fair because it puts them on the path to be best human beings can become. Think about a time when you acted fairly, and you didn't have to. That was when you were truly at your best, but it was far from normal. It was beautiful, it is what we should all strive to become, but it is not the natural order of things.
So we should still teach our children to strive for fairness, equality, decency, kindness, justice and everything else that word represents, but we should stop hoping it will be as solid and constant as gravity.
Instead let us realize that life is so much better because it is not fair. If life were fair then you would spend all your days trapped trying to earn the gifts of your birth. You were born in America with no death squads around so poof you can never have a puppy, that would be fair.
We live in a world without fair, without limits. Because life isn't fair it is up to you to go and get what you want and you can fill your life with as much joy or sorrow as you can carry. The scales never have to balance. Don't wish for life to be fair, wish for it to be full. It sounds like the friend of the family's life was more full than most people's. She got less years but she got more life. Maybe life is kinda fair after all.
Question: Why is life so unfair. A friend of the family, a beautiful person, is dying of cancer. She doesn't deserve this. What is the point of life if bad things keep happening to good people.
Answer: I always tell my clients that fair died with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, horrible crash, very sad. As long as we pine for fairness it allows us to play the role of victim. Injustice has happened to me and I want restitution! Tough. Life does not work that way and the faster we accept that the faster we move on toward getting the best life we can have.
Some people misunderstand fair to begin with. They think fair is everyone getting the same deal. That isn't fair, because everyone doesn't want or need the same thing. This is one of the big reasons why Communism didn't work, it was kinda fair (in theory), but it sucked for everyone.
Even if you understand fair to mean each person gets what they need or what they deserve it takes a 30 second glance at any newspaper to see, this life isn't anything close to fair. They could rename the continent of Africa as Unfair-land, because I don't know who there is getting a fair deal.
We teach children the concept of fair because it puts them on the path to be best human beings can become. Think about a time when you acted fairly, and you didn't have to. That was when you were truly at your best, but it was far from normal. It was beautiful, it is what we should all strive to become, but it is not the natural order of things.
So we should still teach our children to strive for fairness, equality, decency, kindness, justice and everything else that word represents, but we should stop hoping it will be as solid and constant as gravity.
Instead let us realize that life is so much better because it is not fair. If life were fair then you would spend all your days trapped trying to earn the gifts of your birth. You were born in America with no death squads around so poof you can never have a puppy, that would be fair.
We live in a world without fair, without limits. Because life isn't fair it is up to you to go and get what you want and you can fill your life with as much joy or sorrow as you can carry. The scales never have to balance. Don't wish for life to be fair, wish for it to be full. It sounds like the friend of the family's life was more full than most people's. She got less years but she got more life. Maybe life is kinda fair after all.
married to a cheater
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: My wife and I are separated and I have been trying my hardest to save our marriage. Recently I found out there is another guy. Is there any chance for us? How do marriages survive when someone cheats?
Answer: There is always a chance that any relationship can survive, but there is almost no chance this marriage will ever return to a healthy relationship filled with trust. The question is are you sure you still want it?
Infidelity is extremely common especially among men whose peers support it or who at least feel they will not ostracized in their community if they are caught. Many of these men have compartmentalized sex and love. They love their wife BUT: they have not been having sex in awhile, they don't want to ask their wife to do kinky things, they saw an opportunity they just could not pass up, they didn't think anyone would get hurt.... At the end of the day they rationalize it to say “it was just sex” and often “it will never happen again”
Men cheating is usually a response to external stimuli, paired with an internal ability to rationalize, women cheating is more often a response to an internal feeling and may often be in reaction to the relationship itself.
A woman is in a marriage and is feeling: bored, lonely, isolated, ignored, trapped, powerless, angry, unattractive, scorned... She remembers that when she used to feel this way she was able to change how she was feeling by... cutting her hair short. She tries that, it doesn't work, so she tries finding a new guy to fill her with life and energy. If she is mad at her husband it may have the added benefit pissing him off. It may also be her way of escaping from the relationship by blowing it up.
This does not imply it is the husband's fault for neglecting his wife's needs. She had the option of saying something and if that didn't work she had the option of leaving, she made the choice to deal with her feelings in this way.
The response depends upon your view of marriage. If you see your spouse as a partner for raising children, a travel buddy, and you don't really care who they share their genitals with, infidelity does not represent much of a threat, as long as they do not become too open and socially embarrass you.
We will call this the French position, where men having mistresses is more acceptable than not knowing a proper wine pairing. Your spouse is a partner like a business relationship, you can even be good pals, but sex and intimacy do not need to be a part of your partnership.
If however, your view of marriage is about closeness and intimacy, if you believe your partner is supposed to be your best friend, then your relationship is shattered and it is almost impossible to get that back. The problem is no matter how “legit” the excuse was for one partner cheating, you will never be able to trust that they won't do it again.
The cheater will also be suspicious of you because they will think you want revenge, and maybe you will. Now instead of an environment of love, support and trust the marriage has the feeling of a spy novel.
The hard part is when you still love the person. They f@#$%@ up and you get hurt and lose your marriage and your friendship. That sucks! What makes it even harder is wonderful people do really crappy things. So if you want to fix it and work at it you are not crazy and you are not stupid, but know it is going to be a long hard road and you need to seek marriage counseling to even have a chance.
Also know there is someone out there for you who would never be selfish enough to risk losing your love.
Question: My wife and I are separated and I have been trying my hardest to save our marriage. Recently I found out there is another guy. Is there any chance for us? How do marriages survive when someone cheats?
Answer: There is always a chance that any relationship can survive, but there is almost no chance this marriage will ever return to a healthy relationship filled with trust. The question is are you sure you still want it?
Infidelity is extremely common especially among men whose peers support it or who at least feel they will not ostracized in their community if they are caught. Many of these men have compartmentalized sex and love. They love their wife BUT: they have not been having sex in awhile, they don't want to ask their wife to do kinky things, they saw an opportunity they just could not pass up, they didn't think anyone would get hurt.... At the end of the day they rationalize it to say “it was just sex” and often “it will never happen again”
Men cheating is usually a response to external stimuli, paired with an internal ability to rationalize, women cheating is more often a response to an internal feeling and may often be in reaction to the relationship itself.
A woman is in a marriage and is feeling: bored, lonely, isolated, ignored, trapped, powerless, angry, unattractive, scorned... She remembers that when she used to feel this way she was able to change how she was feeling by... cutting her hair short. She tries that, it doesn't work, so she tries finding a new guy to fill her with life and energy. If she is mad at her husband it may have the added benefit pissing him off. It may also be her way of escaping from the relationship by blowing it up.
This does not imply it is the husband's fault for neglecting his wife's needs. She had the option of saying something and if that didn't work she had the option of leaving, she made the choice to deal with her feelings in this way.
The response depends upon your view of marriage. If you see your spouse as a partner for raising children, a travel buddy, and you don't really care who they share their genitals with, infidelity does not represent much of a threat, as long as they do not become too open and socially embarrass you.
We will call this the French position, where men having mistresses is more acceptable than not knowing a proper wine pairing. Your spouse is a partner like a business relationship, you can even be good pals, but sex and intimacy do not need to be a part of your partnership.
If however, your view of marriage is about closeness and intimacy, if you believe your partner is supposed to be your best friend, then your relationship is shattered and it is almost impossible to get that back. The problem is no matter how “legit” the excuse was for one partner cheating, you will never be able to trust that they won't do it again.
The cheater will also be suspicious of you because they will think you want revenge, and maybe you will. Now instead of an environment of love, support and trust the marriage has the feeling of a spy novel.
The hard part is when you still love the person. They f@#$%@ up and you get hurt and lose your marriage and your friendship. That sucks! What makes it even harder is wonderful people do really crappy things. So if you want to fix it and work at it you are not crazy and you are not stupid, but know it is going to be a long hard road and you need to seek marriage counseling to even have a chance.
Also know there is someone out there for you who would never be selfish enough to risk losing your love.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friends with Benefits Club
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: A couple months ago I broke up with a longtime boyfriend and I am not looking for a relationship now. Still sometimes I have needs. My friends and I have formed a “friends with benefits club.” If you are feeling lonely you call a club member up and say you want to cuddle and he/she comes over, or says no. It can be someone to watch a movie with or a night of sex with no strings attached. People can always say no or leave the club at any time. No jealousy allowed. Am I crazy or is this the perfect plan?
Answer: This idea is awesome! Just like Communism, nuclear fusion, or Esperanto if you can make it work it could revolutionize the entire world. People could feel connection and comfort, they could find sexual pleasure and release and no one would ever have to get their feelings hurt. Fantastic.
Unfortunately there tend to be problems in taking a concept as complicated as this and making it work in the real world.
It is impossible to have any relationship with no strings attached. A relationship be it a friendship, a business partnership, a relative, whatever, is a connection. A connection is a string.
So lets say you call a club member up to watch a movie. Why would you want to watch a movie with someone you don't like? You wouldn't. So you would only call a person that you wanted to spend time with. People that you like and continually spend time with are called friends.
I have never encountered a situation where friends “hook up” where at least one of the partners does not develop feelings for the other. Then if it does not become a romantic relationship someone is going to get hurt.
But what if you are not really friends, you just need to hook up, to not feel alone for awhile, to feel desired? Hooking up with people you don't care about is like drinking alcohol on a cold night to warm up. The burning might make you think you are warm, but eventually it will leave you colder and numb.
Even if you find the rare people who can have sex with people without feelings forming, and without feeling empty later, they still don't win. These people end up divorcing physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. The specialness of each is diminished when they are not locked together.
Someday I hope my children will only combine sex and other physical intimacy with deep emotional intimacy. I'm not saying they have to wait for marriage so God won't be mad at them. I'm saying they should wait for true connection so they can make love for their entire lives and never have to settle for having sex.
If the goal of your club is to have connection without strings I'm sorry but I think you are on a fool's errand. If your heart is still too raw for a romantic relationship then listen to it, and wait. If you need connection in the meantime then become emotionally intimate with friends without sharing physical intimacy but realize that even that may lead to a great deal of pain.
Good luck, and let me know how it works out. If you can make it work then maybe the President will have you take a crack at health care.
Question: A couple months ago I broke up with a longtime boyfriend and I am not looking for a relationship now. Still sometimes I have needs. My friends and I have formed a “friends with benefits club.” If you are feeling lonely you call a club member up and say you want to cuddle and he/she comes over, or says no. It can be someone to watch a movie with or a night of sex with no strings attached. People can always say no or leave the club at any time. No jealousy allowed. Am I crazy or is this the perfect plan?
Answer: This idea is awesome! Just like Communism, nuclear fusion, or Esperanto if you can make it work it could revolutionize the entire world. People could feel connection and comfort, they could find sexual pleasure and release and no one would ever have to get their feelings hurt. Fantastic.
Unfortunately there tend to be problems in taking a concept as complicated as this and making it work in the real world.
It is impossible to have any relationship with no strings attached. A relationship be it a friendship, a business partnership, a relative, whatever, is a connection. A connection is a string.
So lets say you call a club member up to watch a movie. Why would you want to watch a movie with someone you don't like? You wouldn't. So you would only call a person that you wanted to spend time with. People that you like and continually spend time with are called friends.
I have never encountered a situation where friends “hook up” where at least one of the partners does not develop feelings for the other. Then if it does not become a romantic relationship someone is going to get hurt.
But what if you are not really friends, you just need to hook up, to not feel alone for awhile, to feel desired? Hooking up with people you don't care about is like drinking alcohol on a cold night to warm up. The burning might make you think you are warm, but eventually it will leave you colder and numb.
Even if you find the rare people who can have sex with people without feelings forming, and without feeling empty later, they still don't win. These people end up divorcing physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. The specialness of each is diminished when they are not locked together.
Someday I hope my children will only combine sex and other physical intimacy with deep emotional intimacy. I'm not saying they have to wait for marriage so God won't be mad at them. I'm saying they should wait for true connection so they can make love for their entire lives and never have to settle for having sex.
If the goal of your club is to have connection without strings I'm sorry but I think you are on a fool's errand. If your heart is still too raw for a romantic relationship then listen to it, and wait. If you need connection in the meantime then become emotionally intimate with friends without sharing physical intimacy but realize that even that may lead to a great deal of pain.
Good luck, and let me know how it works out. If you can make it work then maybe the President will have you take a crack at health care.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
why do I say mean things?
Question: Why do I say nasty-horrible-painful-mean things to people I love when I am angry?
Answer: Usually I encounter four main possible reasons: 1.) you want to make the other person feel like you are feeling, 2.) you have learned that when you fight you must destroy your opponent., 3.) to push the other person away so you can be safe from rejection 4.) because you can, you have to get rid of the energy you are feeling and you know that this person loves you enough to take it no matter what.
First we must understand the function of anger. Anger is the body's emotional alarm system. Its physical twin is called pain. Both anger and pain are designed to keep us alive by telling us that something is going wrong and we need to change something. When the body feels anger/pain the fight/flight/freeze response gets triggered and we are filled with energy.
So there you are, pissed and full of energy? What are you going to do with it? You look around to find the cause so you can fight it or run away from it.
In situation number 1.) you want to make them feel like you are feeling. People try to make their outside match their inside. If you are feeling torn apart inside and Bob is standing next to you, he better look out because there is about to be some tearing going on. It doesn't matter if it is fair or not, the you just don't want to be alone with this awful feeling so you drag others down too.
Reason number 2.) Destroying the opponent. We learn how to argue and handle conflict as we watch our role models growing up. If in our experience in a fight the other person will hurt you as bad as they can you learn to do whatever it takes to win. You learn that it is not enough to win the argument, you must destroy your opponent or they will keep coming at you like a horror movie villain. So you say the meanest things you can hoping you will hit them so hard they won't swing back.
Reason number 3.) pushing the other person away, aka blowing up bridges. Many people have been burned in the past when they let others get too close so they often have to test their loved ones level of commitment by pushing them away as hard as they can. One of two things will happen, the abused loved one will take the beating and come back “proving” how much they love you or they will walk away “proving” they never really loved you anyway and you were better off without them.
This can be coupled with a fear of rejecting someone else. If you believe that only bad people break hearts, then you can never reject someone, BUT if you can get them to break up with you and leave then that is okay. Consequently you have to be mean as hell so that they will go away and never come back. As odd as it sounds this doesn't make me a bad person because I'm doing it for their own good. Like when the little kid in the movies tries to release the wild pet into the woods (always a tear jerker).
Reason 4.) Because you can. We say mean things for the same reason we swear when we hit our thumb with a hammer. Does it really help? Well it lets the whole world know how angry we are. We fear that if we just say “oh crumbs” then no one will pay attention to the reality of our pain. You know there are certain people that will let you get away with saying those mean things, and since you can't tell off your boss, or the police man, or God, you rage at your Mom or you boyfriend. And sometimes, even though you feel guilty, you also feel a little better. We keep engaging in most negative coping skills because, in some way, they work.
Notice that no where on this list is the reason “you can't help it.” No matter how angry a person is they can almost always direct their energy to a non-violent (mean words are violence) path. It doesn't matter if a person is drunk or high, there are certain things they would never do.
If you ever think you “couldn't help it” ask yourself, "Would you have said that if someone had a gun pointed to your head?" If the answer is no then that means you could help it.
Your anger is a tool, you need it to survive and you are responsible for how you use that tool. There are a lot of reasons why people say mean things when they are angry. If you want to stop find out what you are getting from it and find a healthier way to get that need met.
Answer: Usually I encounter four main possible reasons: 1.) you want to make the other person feel like you are feeling, 2.) you have learned that when you fight you must destroy your opponent., 3.) to push the other person away so you can be safe from rejection 4.) because you can, you have to get rid of the energy you are feeling and you know that this person loves you enough to take it no matter what.
First we must understand the function of anger. Anger is the body's emotional alarm system. Its physical twin is called pain. Both anger and pain are designed to keep us alive by telling us that something is going wrong and we need to change something. When the body feels anger/pain the fight/flight/freeze response gets triggered and we are filled with energy.
So there you are, pissed and full of energy? What are you going to do with it? You look around to find the cause so you can fight it or run away from it.
In situation number 1.) you want to make them feel like you are feeling. People try to make their outside match their inside. If you are feeling torn apart inside and Bob is standing next to you, he better look out because there is about to be some tearing going on. It doesn't matter if it is fair or not, the you just don't want to be alone with this awful feeling so you drag others down too.
Reason number 2.) Destroying the opponent. We learn how to argue and handle conflict as we watch our role models growing up. If in our experience in a fight the other person will hurt you as bad as they can you learn to do whatever it takes to win. You learn that it is not enough to win the argument, you must destroy your opponent or they will keep coming at you like a horror movie villain. So you say the meanest things you can hoping you will hit them so hard they won't swing back.
Reason number 3.) pushing the other person away, aka blowing up bridges. Many people have been burned in the past when they let others get too close so they often have to test their loved ones level of commitment by pushing them away as hard as they can. One of two things will happen, the abused loved one will take the beating and come back “proving” how much they love you or they will walk away “proving” they never really loved you anyway and you were better off without them.
This can be coupled with a fear of rejecting someone else. If you believe that only bad people break hearts, then you can never reject someone, BUT if you can get them to break up with you and leave then that is okay. Consequently you have to be mean as hell so that they will go away and never come back. As odd as it sounds this doesn't make me a bad person because I'm doing it for their own good. Like when the little kid in the movies tries to release the wild pet into the woods (always a tear jerker).
Reason 4.) Because you can. We say mean things for the same reason we swear when we hit our thumb with a hammer. Does it really help? Well it lets the whole world know how angry we are. We fear that if we just say “oh crumbs” then no one will pay attention to the reality of our pain. You know there are certain people that will let you get away with saying those mean things, and since you can't tell off your boss, or the police man, or God, you rage at your Mom or you boyfriend. And sometimes, even though you feel guilty, you also feel a little better. We keep engaging in most negative coping skills because, in some way, they work.
Notice that no where on this list is the reason “you can't help it.” No matter how angry a person is they can almost always direct their energy to a non-violent (mean words are violence) path. It doesn't matter if a person is drunk or high, there are certain things they would never do.
If you ever think you “couldn't help it” ask yourself, "Would you have said that if someone had a gun pointed to your head?" If the answer is no then that means you could help it.
Your anger is a tool, you need it to survive and you are responsible for how you use that tool. There are a lot of reasons why people say mean things when they are angry. If you want to stop find out what you are getting from it and find a healthier way to get that need met.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Part 5 Autism and Asperger's
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Part 5 Autism spectrum disorders
Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) result in difficulty blocking out stimuli. Imagine living every day in the middle of a marching band and a laser light show. The only way to survive would be to give all of your focus to a few things. Accordingly, learning subtle things, like social cues, which most of us just pick up and have a hard time even describing, can be a major problem. For example, what are the rules on flirting? How long do you maintain a hand shake with a person?
Many people with ASD go through life like a person who cannot hear music trying to fit in at a dance. They watch, they mimic the movements of the people they see, but you can tell that they just don't feel the rhythm.
The Spectrum part of ASD means that impairment falls on a continuum. Like problems with vision or hearing. Some people just need reading glasses, some people are totally blind, and yet these are all problems of the visual spectrum.
In ASD the degree of impairment can make it so a child never learns to differentiate words from background noise, and may never learn to talk. Other highly functional individuals like Temple Grandin (author of the excellent book Thinking in Pictures) may go years without being able to speak due to their reaction to too much stimuli at that time.
While a number of people with ASD are mentally retarded others are geniuses and bring a laser like intensity to their topics of interest, which might lead to innovations that the average person could never create.
It is hard to determine who has a related disorder like asperger's, in which there can be pronounced social impairment and an inability to read social cues, along with some rigidity, and topics of intense interest (stims), but rarely the kind of communication impairment seen in ASD. It is often stated that Bill Gates seems like he may have a mild form of asperger's.
In my experience I have never met a student who had a diagnosis of ASD or asperger's that I did not feel was accurate. I have met a great number of kids whose parents were resistant to one of these diagnoses despite the presence of symptoms. No parent wants to think their child might have a disorder that cannot be fixed. They want to imagine their children growing up to be “normal” and while many people with ASD may be extremely successful, they will never be “normal”. They just need to learn that this isn't a bad thing.
There has been an exponential increase in diagnosis of ASD in the last few years but I do not think this is a media creation. When you work with these students you can feel the distress they get from too much stimuli and there is often a quality in the body language and voice tone, a flatness of verbal emotional range that no one could or would fake.
Why the increase? I don't know. I know some parents blame it on vaccinations. From my experience it seems to be more prevalent in more affluent communities, and I do not think that is a factor of better diagnosis as much as I think there may be a missing environmental factor. There does seem to be some genetic relationship as well.
Regardless of the cause the result is that in the future people with ASD will be in every work place and in every community. Public education must be increased so we can benefit from the unique tools people with ASD can bring to us all.
Part 5 Autism spectrum disorders
Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) result in difficulty blocking out stimuli. Imagine living every day in the middle of a marching band and a laser light show. The only way to survive would be to give all of your focus to a few things. Accordingly, learning subtle things, like social cues, which most of us just pick up and have a hard time even describing, can be a major problem. For example, what are the rules on flirting? How long do you maintain a hand shake with a person?
Many people with ASD go through life like a person who cannot hear music trying to fit in at a dance. They watch, they mimic the movements of the people they see, but you can tell that they just don't feel the rhythm.
The Spectrum part of ASD means that impairment falls on a continuum. Like problems with vision or hearing. Some people just need reading glasses, some people are totally blind, and yet these are all problems of the visual spectrum.
In ASD the degree of impairment can make it so a child never learns to differentiate words from background noise, and may never learn to talk. Other highly functional individuals like Temple Grandin (author of the excellent book Thinking in Pictures) may go years without being able to speak due to their reaction to too much stimuli at that time.
While a number of people with ASD are mentally retarded others are geniuses and bring a laser like intensity to their topics of interest, which might lead to innovations that the average person could never create.
It is hard to determine who has a related disorder like asperger's, in which there can be pronounced social impairment and an inability to read social cues, along with some rigidity, and topics of intense interest (stims), but rarely the kind of communication impairment seen in ASD. It is often stated that Bill Gates seems like he may have a mild form of asperger's.
In my experience I have never met a student who had a diagnosis of ASD or asperger's that I did not feel was accurate. I have met a great number of kids whose parents were resistant to one of these diagnoses despite the presence of symptoms. No parent wants to think their child might have a disorder that cannot be fixed. They want to imagine their children growing up to be “normal” and while many people with ASD may be extremely successful, they will never be “normal”. They just need to learn that this isn't a bad thing.
There has been an exponential increase in diagnosis of ASD in the last few years but I do not think this is a media creation. When you work with these students you can feel the distress they get from too much stimuli and there is often a quality in the body language and voice tone, a flatness of verbal emotional range that no one could or would fake.
Why the increase? I don't know. I know some parents blame it on vaccinations. From my experience it seems to be more prevalent in more affluent communities, and I do not think that is a factor of better diagnosis as much as I think there may be a missing environmental factor. There does seem to be some genetic relationship as well.
Regardless of the cause the result is that in the future people with ASD will be in every work place and in every community. Public education must be increased so we can benefit from the unique tools people with ASD can bring to us all.
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