why do I say mean things?

Question: Why do I say nasty-horrible-painful-mean things to people I love when I am angry?

Answer: Usually I encounter four main possible reasons: 1.) you want to make the other person feel like you are feeling, 2.) you have learned that when you fight you must destroy your opponent., 3.) to push the other person away so you can be safe from rejection 4.) because you can, you have to get rid of the energy you are feeling and you know that this person loves you enough to take it no matter what.

First we must understand the function of anger. Anger is the body's emotional alarm system. Its physical twin is called pain. Both anger and pain are designed to keep us alive by telling us that something is going wrong and we need to change something. When the body feels anger/pain the fight/flight/freeze response gets triggered and we are filled with energy.

So there you are, pissed and full of energy? What are you going to do with it? You look around to find the cause so you can fight it or run away from it.

In situation number 1.) you want to make them feel like you are feeling. People try to make their outside match their inside. If you are feeling torn apart inside and Bob is standing next to you, he better look out because there is about to be some tearing going on. It doesn't matter if it is fair or not, the you just don't want to be alone with this awful feeling so you drag others down too.

Reason number 2.) Destroying the opponent. We learn how to argue and handle conflict as we watch our role models growing up. If in our experience in a fight the other person will hurt you as bad as they can you learn to do whatever it takes to win. You learn that it is not enough to win the argument, you must destroy your opponent or they will keep coming at you like a horror movie villain. So you say the meanest things you can hoping you will hit them so hard they won't swing back.

Reason number 3.) pushing the other person away, aka blowing up bridges. Many people have been burned in the past when they let others get too close so they often have to test their loved ones level of commitment by pushing them away as hard as they can. One of two things will happen, the abused loved one will take the beating and come back “proving” how much they love you or they will walk away “proving” they never really loved you anyway and you were better off without them.

This can be coupled with a fear of rejecting someone else. If you believe that only bad people break hearts, then you can never reject someone, BUT if you can get them to break up with you and leave then that is okay. Consequently you have to be mean as hell so that they will go away and never come back. As odd as it sounds this doesn't make me a bad person because I'm doing it for their own good. Like when the little kid in the movies tries to release the wild pet into the woods (always a tear jerker).

Reason 4.) Because you can. We say mean things for the same reason we swear when we hit our thumb with a hammer. Does it really help? Well it lets the whole world know how angry we are. We fear that if we just say “oh crumbs” then no one will pay attention to the reality of our pain. You know there are certain people that will let you get away with saying those mean things, and since you can't tell off your boss, or the police man, or God, you rage at your Mom or you boyfriend. And sometimes, even though you feel guilty, you also feel a little better. We keep engaging in most negative coping skills because, in some way, they work.

Notice that no where on this list is the reason “you can't help it.” No matter how angry a person is they can almost always direct their energy to a non-violent (mean words are violence) path. It doesn't matter if a person is drunk or high, there are certain things they would never do.

If you ever think you “couldn't help it” ask yourself, "Would you have said that if someone had a gun pointed to your head?" If the answer is no then that means you could help it.

Your anger is a tool, you need it to survive and you are responsible for how you use that tool. There are a lot of reasons why people say mean things when they are angry. If you want to stop find out what you are getting from it and find a healthier way to get that need met.