Dear Maigler,
Recently I went on a family vacation and I noticed that my younger sister has cuts and scars all over her legs. I had noticed marks on her arm before but she said our cat did it, and now I feel like an idiot for believing her. Does this mean she is suicidal or totally nuts, why would anyone do this to themselves?
Self-injurers Sister
Dear Sister,
Self injury is an unhealthy coping skill that becomes an addiction just like gambling, eating disorders, drugs etc... Is your sister in danger of killing herself? Possibly but without knowing more I would list her at the same level of risk as if you had found her dealing with one of these other issues. Most of the self injurers I have worked with are depressed but they generally do not want to die, they just want the pain to go away and self injury works for them in helping to manage their emotional pain.
My first recommendation is to talk to your sister about what you've noticed and how seeing that makes you feel. Ask her what it does for her and if she would like help in stopping. Offer to go with her to talk to your parents if they do not know about the problem, and if they do, offer to encourage them to get her into treatment.
Regardless of what she says (even if she begs you not to) you MUST tell your parents who should then get her in for an evaluation. Many psychiatric hospitals will do a free evaluation and if the person is not suicidal they will usually just help set up an appointment with a therapist in their insurance network. It may be a tense and boring several hours while you sit in a waiting room, and leave with a phone number but better safe than sorry. Call any hospital switch board and ask to talk to the intake social worker for psychiatric issues and you will get to someone who can guide you to your next step.
If you want to know more about self injury there are a number of great books out there. My favorite is called Bodily Harm by Karen Conterio and Wendy Lader http://product.half.ebay.com/Bodily-Harm_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ839016 You can find it on half.com for 75 cents but it is worth it's weight in gold.
There is a misconception that self injurers like pain. This has not been my experience working with them. For most the act of cutting or burning does not actually hurt and for many seeing the blood or the scars helps them to have a visual representation of the emotional pain they are feeling. Most simply describe feeling overwhelmed and filled with pressure and the act of injury allows them to feel release, and many times this the only way they know to find peace.
The problem with self injury is that it works. Many of my clients will say “it's my body and I'm not hurting anyone else so everyone should just leave me alone.” Even if self injury wasn't dangerous, even if injurers didn't build up a tolerance and often need to use more extreme and intense means to get the same feeling, it still wouldn't be okay.
All addictions destroy relationships. I ask my clients how it would feel for them to watch their Mother, Father, or future children self injure?
“Would that be okay with you if they did it? I mean why not it works, and it is their body?”
For some reason I rarely find a self injurer who is willing to allow someone they love to inflict pain upon themselves and think it okay. BEWARE SPECIAL RULES! My self injury and eating disordered clients tend to play by a different set of rules than they hold for the rest of humanity. I tell them that when you do that you are cheating. As long as you were born on this Earth and not on planet Krypton you get the same rules as everyone else.
When I finally get self injurers to really commit to treatment it is because they have realized that as long as they self injure, even if hide it perfectly, they will never have a balanced and honest relationship while they are injuring. They will always be hiding and never sharing their true feelings. Any time they get an intense feeling of anger, sadness, shock,... anything but happiness, they will turn to their coping skill and not to their partner to deal with it. Most injurers have a history of emotional trauma, many were physically and/or sexually abused. They want connection but they fear it and they feel they are unworthy of it.
Reach out to your sister, say something. Every person who ignores the issue is reinforcing in the injurer's mind the idea that they and their problems do not matter. Self injury makes a lot of sense, it isn't crazy, but it isn't healthy and she could be choosing something better.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
why do we have sex?
Dear Maigler,
I just read some statistic that said most girls do not orgasm from penetration until their late 20's if ever. So are all the girls I've had sex with faking it? If they don't like sex why do they do it?
Curious Confusion
Dear Curious,
Just because a woman does not reach an orgasm does not mean she did not enjoy the experience of having sex, or hopefully making love (often not even close to the same activity). But one of the biggest problems in relationship satisfaction is the total disconnect many couples have about why each one of them is engaging in sex.
I started asking my clients the top five reasons why women have sex and why men have sex. [Readers please post your comments on what you think on this topic I would love to know]
Here is what I normally get (order depends on the person, but this tends to be the norm),
Women: 1.) To feel love/connection with their partner, 2.) to move the relationship forward/increase commitment, 3.) Fear (of losing the relationship or of partner's anger or disappointment), 4.) to feel wanted/attractive/powerful, 5.) to avoid (distract from negative thoughts), 6.) to get pregnant, 7.) revenge (piss off cheating partner, parents)
Men: 1.) physical pleasure, 2.) experience/curiosity (try something/one new), 3.) release (tension or hormonal build up), 4.) love/connection, 5.) status
I know the women got 7 and the men had only 5 but usually when asking men they had trouble coming up with more than three reasons or believing there were other reasons, and women had these and a few more.
Not one woman ever listed physical pleasure as a reason for having sex. Often after making the man's list with me they would add it to their list, but it never occurred to them as a reason to have sex.
What does this mean? It means that if both men and women want to be satisfied with their sex life they must focus on making it their love life. They need to be engaging in the same act for similar reasons instead of two people using one another's bodies to get their own needs met. They might as well be masturbating in the same bed watching two different TVs. Then then wonder why there is often a feeling of emptiness after sex, even with two people who have been together for years.
Curious, you need to focus on becoming a great lover, not a great sexer. Make love to your partner and realize that orgasm for either does not need to be a part of the equation. So many young men are confused by pornography and even mainstream media to think slamming away, always harder, faster, and longer is the key to good sex. That is just the key to chafing and bruising. If a woman is moaning and screaming there is a better chance she is in pain than enjoying herself. The key to quality love making is openness of communication, finding your partner's needs and desires and moving toward the same feeling together. Do that and you won't have to worry about anyone faking their desire to be with you.
I just read some statistic that said most girls do not orgasm from penetration until their late 20's if ever. So are all the girls I've had sex with faking it? If they don't like sex why do they do it?
Curious Confusion
Dear Curious,
Just because a woman does not reach an orgasm does not mean she did not enjoy the experience of having sex, or hopefully making love (often not even close to the same activity). But one of the biggest problems in relationship satisfaction is the total disconnect many couples have about why each one of them is engaging in sex.
I started asking my clients the top five reasons why women have sex and why men have sex. [Readers please post your comments on what you think on this topic I would love to know]
Here is what I normally get (order depends on the person, but this tends to be the norm),
Women: 1.) To feel love/connection with their partner, 2.) to move the relationship forward/increase commitment, 3.) Fear (of losing the relationship or of partner's anger or disappointment), 4.) to feel wanted/attractive/powerful, 5.) to avoid (distract from negative thoughts), 6.) to get pregnant, 7.) revenge (piss off cheating partner, parents)
Men: 1.) physical pleasure, 2.) experience/curiosity (try something/one new), 3.) release (tension or hormonal build up), 4.) love/connection, 5.) status
I know the women got 7 and the men had only 5 but usually when asking men they had trouble coming up with more than three reasons or believing there were other reasons, and women had these and a few more.
Not one woman ever listed physical pleasure as a reason for having sex. Often after making the man's list with me they would add it to their list, but it never occurred to them as a reason to have sex.
What does this mean? It means that if both men and women want to be satisfied with their sex life they must focus on making it their love life. They need to be engaging in the same act for similar reasons instead of two people using one another's bodies to get their own needs met. They might as well be masturbating in the same bed watching two different TVs. Then then wonder why there is often a feeling of emptiness after sex, even with two people who have been together for years.
Curious, you need to focus on becoming a great lover, not a great sexer. Make love to your partner and realize that orgasm for either does not need to be a part of the equation. So many young men are confused by pornography and even mainstream media to think slamming away, always harder, faster, and longer is the key to good sex. That is just the key to chafing and bruising. If a woman is moaning and screaming there is a better chance she is in pain than enjoying herself. The key to quality love making is openness of communication, finding your partner's needs and desires and moving toward the same feeling together. Do that and you won't have to worry about anyone faking their desire to be with you.
why men are dumb
Dear Maigler, my boyfriend is a very smart person, so why is it so hard for him to pick up on anything that I want or that I'm feeling. What bugs me is sometimes he can and other times he is totally clueless. Is he really "emotionally stupid" or is it just an excuse for him to ignore my feelings when he wants to?
Seriously Suspicious,
Dear Seriously,
Next time you are in the shower I want you to look at the back of your shampoo bottle to read the directions. Who needs those? Why are they even on there, are there seriously people who need things broken down THAT simply? Yes. Those people are called men.
The stupidity that most women complain about in their men comes from two main sources. The first is ignorance. As a man I have something called male privilege. It means our society was built by people like me for people like me and so getting through the world doesn't require a lot of thought. Consequently it just does not occur to me that someone else is not happy with the way things are unless they tell me. Privilege means not having to think about a problem. As a man if my needs are being met, I am content and do nothing, if my needs are not being met I go get what I want.
So if you want something from someone who is perfectly happy with the way things are then you have to let him know in very simple direct terms.
This brings us to the second part of male stupidity. Intelligence is the ability to gather information from the environment and use that information to solve problems.
Women are constantly putting information out into the environment in the form of signals. This works when women communicate with one another because women are more intuitive. In our society women are conditioned to operate this way because those who are aggressive or even assertive are considered "bitches" or manly. Unfortunately research has shown that men's brains are just not designed for picking up subtle hints, and that even the act of listening is harder for men than for women.
So what is a girl to do? Stop waiting for him to get it right and if you want something tell him exactly what it is you want, and how, and when you want it done. This is not romantic, it isn't very fun, but it works. Most men want the women in their lives to be happy and they tend to respond very well when they have a defined task that they think they can accomplish successfully.
Seriously Suspicious,
Dear Seriously,
Next time you are in the shower I want you to look at the back of your shampoo bottle to read the directions. Who needs those? Why are they even on there, are there seriously people who need things broken down THAT simply? Yes. Those people are called men.
The stupidity that most women complain about in their men comes from two main sources. The first is ignorance. As a man I have something called male privilege. It means our society was built by people like me for people like me and so getting through the world doesn't require a lot of thought. Consequently it just does not occur to me that someone else is not happy with the way things are unless they tell me. Privilege means not having to think about a problem. As a man if my needs are being met, I am content and do nothing, if my needs are not being met I go get what I want.
So if you want something from someone who is perfectly happy with the way things are then you have to let him know in very simple direct terms.
This brings us to the second part of male stupidity. Intelligence is the ability to gather information from the environment and use that information to solve problems.
Women are constantly putting information out into the environment in the form of signals. This works when women communicate with one another because women are more intuitive. In our society women are conditioned to operate this way because those who are aggressive or even assertive are considered "bitches" or manly. Unfortunately research has shown that men's brains are just not designed for picking up subtle hints, and that even the act of listening is harder for men than for women.
So what is a girl to do? Stop waiting for him to get it right and if you want something tell him exactly what it is you want, and how, and when you want it done. This is not romantic, it isn't very fun, but it works. Most men want the women in their lives to be happy and they tend to respond very well when they have a defined task that they think they can accomplish successfully.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
dump the loser
Dear Maigler,
My friend is dating a guy who puts her down and treats her terribly. I know she could do so much better and I want her to get rid of this guy but I’m afraid if I push her too hard she will avoid me and keep him. Ideas?
Dump Theloser
Dear Dump Theloser,
If we want someone to make change we need to meet them where they are. Many women who date one jerk tend to replace him with another when the relationship ends. If you care about your friend you don’t just want her to dump this loser you want her to find a healthy relationship.
People seek people at their same emotional level. This is why two drug addicts who have never met before will find one another at a party, and why time and again domestic violence victims will meet one abuser after another. The behaviors do not have to be the same but the level of emotional health will be equal.
What you must ask your friend is what she is getting out of the relationship. The tricky part is you must ask this with an honest willingness to hear the answer and potentially be convinced that this guy isn’t as awful as you have decided. If you come to her with an open mind she will feel that in your voice tone and be far more likely to open up with you about her fears and concerns about the relationship. If she feels you are trying to pull her away from a relationship she values for some reason you will only cement them closer together.
One of two things will happen: 1.) She may show you something you did not see before which helps you understand why he is worth dating, 2.) her inability to list any convincing reason why she is dating him will say far more than you ever could about why she should break up with him.
Women who tolerate any kind of violence in their relationships, (and yes put downs are most certainly violence!) usually have a self esteem that could use work in some areas and you may want to encourage her to seek counseling. If there is any domestic violence involved encourage her to call the domestic violence hotline or go on their website http://www.ndvh.org/
My friend is dating a guy who puts her down and treats her terribly. I know she could do so much better and I want her to get rid of this guy but I’m afraid if I push her too hard she will avoid me and keep him. Ideas?
Dump Theloser
Dear Dump Theloser,
If we want someone to make change we need to meet them where they are. Many women who date one jerk tend to replace him with another when the relationship ends. If you care about your friend you don’t just want her to dump this loser you want her to find a healthy relationship.
People seek people at their same emotional level. This is why two drug addicts who have never met before will find one another at a party, and why time and again domestic violence victims will meet one abuser after another. The behaviors do not have to be the same but the level of emotional health will be equal.
What you must ask your friend is what she is getting out of the relationship. The tricky part is you must ask this with an honest willingness to hear the answer and potentially be convinced that this guy isn’t as awful as you have decided. If you come to her with an open mind she will feel that in your voice tone and be far more likely to open up with you about her fears and concerns about the relationship. If she feels you are trying to pull her away from a relationship she values for some reason you will only cement them closer together.
One of two things will happen: 1.) She may show you something you did not see before which helps you understand why he is worth dating, 2.) her inability to list any convincing reason why she is dating him will say far more than you ever could about why she should break up with him.
Women who tolerate any kind of violence in their relationships, (and yes put downs are most certainly violence!) usually have a self esteem that could use work in some areas and you may want to encourage her to seek counseling. If there is any domestic violence involved encourage her to call the domestic violence hotline or go on their website http://www.ndvh.org/
Friday, June 12, 2009
Cold psychiatrist
Dear Maigler: After years of thinking about it I finally got up the courage to go and see a psychiatrist to see if I should go on medication for depression. The whole experience was so cold. I felt like he was not really listening to me and that he had made up his mind in the first 5 minutes he knew me. He gave me a prescription and told me to come back in two weeks. I don’t know if I will. How can a psychiatrist make a decision about something this important without really knowing me?
Disappointed WithDoctors
Dear Disappointed,
I’m sorry to hear you had a negative experience with your psychiatrist. Unfortunately many doctors have poor people skills. You would think that psychiatrists, who are supposed to be experts in people, would be more warm and outgoing. Some are, many are not, but that does not mean that their clinical judgment is poor.
Most psychiatrists have worked with literally thousands of patients. While each patient is different the psychiatrist has relatively few treatment options. Within seconds of meeting you a good psychiatrist has picked up hundreds of things about you and your treatment needs before you have even opened your mouth.
If you show up to the office and you are clean, groomed, and have decent posture there is a good chance that you are not psychotic. Body language and the intensity with which a person makes or avoids eye contact tells the psychiatrist a great deal.
When you made your appointment and filled out the forms in the office the doctor was informed that you thought you might be dealing with depression. Once the doctor has met you, heard how you are functioning in many basic ways, and even heard the tone and rate of your speech all he or she has to determine is if depression is an accurate diagnosis or if there is a better explanation for the way you are feeling, if medication might help, and which medication to try first.
For a person who has done this thousands of times they could probably make an accurate diagnosis in 10 minutes 90% of the time. Most of them will take 40 minutes to an hour so that they don’t miss anything. The really good ones take 90 minutes or more to explore the person in depth, but even they probably had a pretty good idea of what they were going prescribe in that 10 minute window.
Always remember, however, that you don’t work for the doctor she /he works for you!
If you would like them to slow down and explain to you how they made their decision, most will do so happily, they might just forget from time to time how new this is for you.
I would highly recommend you go back to your doctor. Tell her/him that you are looking for more of a personal touch and if that is not her/his style ask them for a referral to a psychiatrist who will be a better fit. Please don’t stop here, you’ve already taken the hardest step.
Disappointed WithDoctors
Dear Disappointed,
I’m sorry to hear you had a negative experience with your psychiatrist. Unfortunately many doctors have poor people skills. You would think that psychiatrists, who are supposed to be experts in people, would be more warm and outgoing. Some are, many are not, but that does not mean that their clinical judgment is poor.
Most psychiatrists have worked with literally thousands of patients. While each patient is different the psychiatrist has relatively few treatment options. Within seconds of meeting you a good psychiatrist has picked up hundreds of things about you and your treatment needs before you have even opened your mouth.
If you show up to the office and you are clean, groomed, and have decent posture there is a good chance that you are not psychotic. Body language and the intensity with which a person makes or avoids eye contact tells the psychiatrist a great deal.
When you made your appointment and filled out the forms in the office the doctor was informed that you thought you might be dealing with depression. Once the doctor has met you, heard how you are functioning in many basic ways, and even heard the tone and rate of your speech all he or she has to determine is if depression is an accurate diagnosis or if there is a better explanation for the way you are feeling, if medication might help, and which medication to try first.
For a person who has done this thousands of times they could probably make an accurate diagnosis in 10 minutes 90% of the time. Most of them will take 40 minutes to an hour so that they don’t miss anything. The really good ones take 90 minutes or more to explore the person in depth, but even they probably had a pretty good idea of what they were going prescribe in that 10 minute window.
Always remember, however, that you don’t work for the doctor she /he works for you!
If you would like them to slow down and explain to you how they made their decision, most will do so happily, they might just forget from time to time how new this is for you.
I would highly recommend you go back to your doctor. Tell her/him that you are looking for more of a personal touch and if that is not her/his style ask them for a referral to a psychiatrist who will be a better fit. Please don’t stop here, you’ve already taken the hardest step.
sleep tips
Dear Maigler: My sleep cycle is all messed up. I’m tired in the day and up all night. I figured out a way to get myself through school but I’m starting a job soon and I’m really nervous that if I don’t fix this it is going to cause me problems at work.
Morning Gory,
Dear Morning: Getting sleep is extremely important, but getting rest is critical.
It sounds like you have poor sleep hygine, meaning your routine around sleeping has allowed some bad habits to sink in.
Some common bad habits around sleep are:
Eating or drinking things that keep you up. Sounds dumb but people do it all the time. If you have an energy drink at 8 PM it may still be impacting you at midnight. If you are lactose intolerant or get acid reflux you are going to have trouble sleeping. If you have to pee, get up and GO! If you do not tend to your body you will not sleep.
Getting out of your sleep pattern on weekends or during vacations. Solution force yourself to wake up EARLY on Sunday and do not take a nap, fill your day with activity and try to go to bed at the time you would like to maintain as your sleep time.
Spending time in your bed not sleeping. Many people use their beds as a command center to talk on the phone, study, read, watch tv, cry, think about things, have important relationship conversations… Their body begins to associate the bed with everything but sleep. Solution: try to stay out of your bed unless you are immediately going to sleep. Try changing your physical positioning in the bed, put your pillow at the foot of the bed, or start out sleeping on the floor or on a couch.
Worrying in bed. Many people have difficulty falling asleep because their brain is spinning thinking about the day’s events or all the things they need to do the next day. If you are going to be thinking and planning things your bed in the darkness is a terrible spot for it. Solution: Get out of bed, go make your plans, write down the things you will need to deal with the next day. Make a commitment to clearing your mind and visualizing something that relaxes you before trying to go to sleep. If you need to wind down and think about the day do that in a different place before getting into bed. If you realize you are worrying and you are in bed attempt your relaxation technique and if that does not work get up and leave the bed.
Back to some general points about sleep. What does sleep really do for us? It allows our body to rest and repair and it allows our brain to transfer information from our working memory into our long term memory. There are some insomniacs who sleep no more than a couple of hours a week. How do they function? They have found a way to get enough rest and ease the work their brain is doing enough to allow some memory transfer to occur.
We know that the harder you try to fall asleep the more elusive sleep becomes. So stop chasing it. Do not go to your bed intent on getting sleep. Find a comfortable place and an activity that your brain can do without much effort. Some people find watching a movie they have seen a hundred times, or listening to music allows enough of their brain to be engaged that they can push out intrusive thoughts about the stressors of the day and yet their brain to be relaxed enough that they can “day dream” and that can give the brain the rest it needs to function well the next day. Often you will find once you are content with resting and have stopped chasing sleep, sleep will come on its own.
Before you examine your problem though you need to ask the more important question, what is working? How is the current way you are doing things working for you. When we have a problem we tend to focus totally on eliminating it. We forget that every solution creates a new set of problems. There is a reason why you have gotten into that pattern. Ask yourself how that happened and what else you have tried. What has worked and what hasn’t. I find it shocking how often people have already know and have used a solution to the problem they are dealing with.
Morning Gory,
Dear Morning: Getting sleep is extremely important, but getting rest is critical.
It sounds like you have poor sleep hygine, meaning your routine around sleeping has allowed some bad habits to sink in.
Some common bad habits around sleep are:
Eating or drinking things that keep you up. Sounds dumb but people do it all the time. If you have an energy drink at 8 PM it may still be impacting you at midnight. If you are lactose intolerant or get acid reflux you are going to have trouble sleeping. If you have to pee, get up and GO! If you do not tend to your body you will not sleep.
Getting out of your sleep pattern on weekends or during vacations. Solution force yourself to wake up EARLY on Sunday and do not take a nap, fill your day with activity and try to go to bed at the time you would like to maintain as your sleep time.
Spending time in your bed not sleeping. Many people use their beds as a command center to talk on the phone, study, read, watch tv, cry, think about things, have important relationship conversations… Their body begins to associate the bed with everything but sleep. Solution: try to stay out of your bed unless you are immediately going to sleep. Try changing your physical positioning in the bed, put your pillow at the foot of the bed, or start out sleeping on the floor or on a couch.
Worrying in bed. Many people have difficulty falling asleep because their brain is spinning thinking about the day’s events or all the things they need to do the next day. If you are going to be thinking and planning things your bed in the darkness is a terrible spot for it. Solution: Get out of bed, go make your plans, write down the things you will need to deal with the next day. Make a commitment to clearing your mind and visualizing something that relaxes you before trying to go to sleep. If you need to wind down and think about the day do that in a different place before getting into bed. If you realize you are worrying and you are in bed attempt your relaxation technique and if that does not work get up and leave the bed.
Back to some general points about sleep. What does sleep really do for us? It allows our body to rest and repair and it allows our brain to transfer information from our working memory into our long term memory. There are some insomniacs who sleep no more than a couple of hours a week. How do they function? They have found a way to get enough rest and ease the work their brain is doing enough to allow some memory transfer to occur.
We know that the harder you try to fall asleep the more elusive sleep becomes. So stop chasing it. Do not go to your bed intent on getting sleep. Find a comfortable place and an activity that your brain can do without much effort. Some people find watching a movie they have seen a hundred times, or listening to music allows enough of their brain to be engaged that they can push out intrusive thoughts about the stressors of the day and yet their brain to be relaxed enough that they can “day dream” and that can give the brain the rest it needs to function well the next day. Often you will find once you are content with resting and have stopped chasing sleep, sleep will come on its own.
Before you examine your problem though you need to ask the more important question, what is working? How is the current way you are doing things working for you. When we have a problem we tend to focus totally on eliminating it. We forget that every solution creates a new set of problems. There is a reason why you have gotten into that pattern. Ask yourself how that happened and what else you have tried. What has worked and what hasn’t. I find it shocking how often people have already know and have used a solution to the problem they are dealing with.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Do I NEED therapy?
Dear Maigler, I just finished my freshman year of college and it kinda sucked. I broke down talking to my Mom the other day and now she is pushing me to go talk to a therapist. I’m not emotionally unstable I just had some stress. What would a therapist do for me anyway?
Noneed Fortherapy
Dear Noneed,
You probably don’t NEED a therapist. 90% of the people I have worked with in my career do not NEED a therapist, in that they would not die, or even have a terrible life if they did not seek counseling. I think the problem is the way you are approaching the issue. The question is not do you need therapy, but instead could you benefit from it?
For years I have worked with clients who have been resistant to the idea of counseling. I make them answer a series of questions:
Why would anyone want to talk to a social worker?
I don’t know. They have problems.
Doesn’t everybody have problems, why wouldn’t they just talk to their friends?
Maybe they think their friends don’t have any knowledge about that stuff or it is embarrassing.
Yeah, a social worker may have more experience and knowledge talking about a particular subject, but that isn’t the main thing most people like about it. Have you ever had a friend and then later you weren’t friends with them any more?
Yeah, so what you’re saying is the therapist or social worker will keep things to themselves.
Absolutely. whatever a person says to me in a session I cannot say anything about it to anyone unless it involves a person hurting themselves, hurting someone else or anything to do with abuse of children or the elderly, in which case I’m a mandated reporter. If I break confidentiality for any other reason I can be reported to the state and lose my license.
How about this, are friends ever biased? Ever had a friend who didn’t like your girlfriend, or who didn’t get along with your other friends?
Yeah
That is the real beauty of talking to a social worker/counselor. I’m not part of your life. We don’t hang out. If you and I talk and you don’t like what I have to say you can walk away and never see me again. It doesn’t work that way with friends. They have a stake in your life. If they want you to go to University of Vermont with them and you want to go to UC Boulder, they are going to try to influence you. I just help people decide what they want.
Did you brush your teeth this morning?
What?! Yes!
Did you look in the mirror while you were brushing your teeth?
I guess. I don’t know. Probably, yes.
What does the mirror do for you?
It helps you see if you missed a spot, or if you have toothpaste on your face
But it doesn’t reach out and wipe it off for you does it?
No
I’m like a mirror. I don’t fix people, or change them, or judge them. I just help people to see the things in their life that they are too close to. I’m not smarter or better than the people I work with, I’m just a tool that people can choose to use or not.
Who is the best golfer in the world?
Tiger Woods
And you know what? Tiger Woods has a golf coach. It isn’t because he isn’t a good golfer. It is because even the best there is can do better if he is willing to accept support.
I believe every person could benefit from counseling/therapy/life coaching. Many people take the suggestion that they seek counseling as an insult. I urge you not to see it that way. Realize that you don’t get extra points in life for suffering and if counseling could help instead of saying why me, maybe you should say why not me?
Noneed Fortherapy
Dear Noneed,
You probably don’t NEED a therapist. 90% of the people I have worked with in my career do not NEED a therapist, in that they would not die, or even have a terrible life if they did not seek counseling. I think the problem is the way you are approaching the issue. The question is not do you need therapy, but instead could you benefit from it?
For years I have worked with clients who have been resistant to the idea of counseling. I make them answer a series of questions:
Why would anyone want to talk to a social worker?
I don’t know. They have problems.
Doesn’t everybody have problems, why wouldn’t they just talk to their friends?
Maybe they think their friends don’t have any knowledge about that stuff or it is embarrassing.
Yeah, a social worker may have more experience and knowledge talking about a particular subject, but that isn’t the main thing most people like about it. Have you ever had a friend and then later you weren’t friends with them any more?
Yeah, so what you’re saying is the therapist or social worker will keep things to themselves.
Absolutely. whatever a person says to me in a session I cannot say anything about it to anyone unless it involves a person hurting themselves, hurting someone else or anything to do with abuse of children or the elderly, in which case I’m a mandated reporter. If I break confidentiality for any other reason I can be reported to the state and lose my license.
How about this, are friends ever biased? Ever had a friend who didn’t like your girlfriend, or who didn’t get along with your other friends?
Yeah
That is the real beauty of talking to a social worker/counselor. I’m not part of your life. We don’t hang out. If you and I talk and you don’t like what I have to say you can walk away and never see me again. It doesn’t work that way with friends. They have a stake in your life. If they want you to go to University of Vermont with them and you want to go to UC Boulder, they are going to try to influence you. I just help people decide what they want.
Did you brush your teeth this morning?
What?! Yes!
Did you look in the mirror while you were brushing your teeth?
I guess. I don’t know. Probably, yes.
What does the mirror do for you?
It helps you see if you missed a spot, or if you have toothpaste on your face
But it doesn’t reach out and wipe it off for you does it?
No
I’m like a mirror. I don’t fix people, or change them, or judge them. I just help people to see the things in their life that they are too close to. I’m not smarter or better than the people I work with, I’m just a tool that people can choose to use or not.
Who is the best golfer in the world?
Tiger Woods
And you know what? Tiger Woods has a golf coach. It isn’t because he isn’t a good golfer. It is because even the best there is can do better if he is willing to accept support.
I believe every person could benefit from counseling/therapy/life coaching. Many people take the suggestion that they seek counseling as an insult. I urge you not to see it that way. Realize that you don’t get extra points in life for suffering and if counseling could help instead of saying why me, maybe you should say why not me?
Mending a broken heart
Dear Maigler: My boyfriend and I “took a break” about 3 weeks ago. All my friends told me it was over and I should just move on. He told me he loved me and still wanted to marry me someday but he needed time to work things out. Three days ago he told me we are over for good. I feel like I’m dying now. For a year this guy was my boyfriend and my best friend and now it is all gone. I don’t think I can take this. How long is this pain going to last? Am I a moron for still hoping he is going to come back?
Completely Broken
Dear Completely,
It saddens me to think of the pain you are in. I do not know how you feel, but I know how I felt when my was broken and it sucks. How long will this pain last? Way too long.
Last summer I broke my leg. I had broken bones before and I thought, “no biggie, 6 weeks and I’ll be playing lacrosse again.” I was wrong. Each break is different. The pain from this one kept me up at night, required icing for weeks and it was five months before I could really run again. I still wear a brace sometimes. You have to give it time.
While your wound is mending you can do things to help heal properly. The end of any serious relationship is a loss and we need to grieve for our losses. When we think of grief we think of death, but many times grieving for the end of relationships is much harder and more complicated. Why? Because when someone dies we must move on. We do not see them at the supermarket, social events, etc…
Any book on grief and loss will tell you that there are stages of grieving. They will differ on the number of stages and the order they come in but I like to focus on four main ones. Denial/Bargaining, Depression, Anger and eventually Acceptance.
Right now it sounds like you are still in the denial/bargaining stage. You are not a moron for hoping that you will get back together with someone you loved, you would be bizarre if you didn’t hope for that. What makes this process so difficult is you just might get it.
We must make time for each of the stages and our feelings. If we don’t, if we try to just walk it off, and pretend that we are fine then those repressed feelings will find a way to come out in your other relationships. You might snap at relatives, friends, co-workers, clients. You might smell your ex’s favorite meal and be overwhelmed with sadness months or even years after you were sure you had “moved on”.
At the same time we cannot wallow in our misery. We must strike a balance between giving our feelings the time they need and continuing to function. I suggest you try and fill your days and evenings with distractions like time with friends, watching movies, playing with puppies, gardening… Undirected time alone with just you and your brain will be painful. Schedule yourself an hour to 90 minutes of an evening to just lose yourself in your feelings. Schedule something before and after this period so you are not allowed to get sucked in to your feelings for too long. DO NOT schedule this time directly before trying to go to sleep. Getting sleep is important, getting rest is critical. The last thing on your mind before you try to sleep/rest should be something positive.
If you have not noticed a change in the amount of emotional pain you are in after two weeks have gone by consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist. You will have some pain for months but it should gradually reduce and day by day your life will become more normal until, believe it or not , you are ready to love again.
Completely Broken
Dear Completely,
It saddens me to think of the pain you are in. I do not know how you feel, but I know how I felt when my was broken and it sucks. How long will this pain last? Way too long.
Last summer I broke my leg. I had broken bones before and I thought, “no biggie, 6 weeks and I’ll be playing lacrosse again.” I was wrong. Each break is different. The pain from this one kept me up at night, required icing for weeks and it was five months before I could really run again. I still wear a brace sometimes. You have to give it time.
While your wound is mending you can do things to help heal properly. The end of any serious relationship is a loss and we need to grieve for our losses. When we think of grief we think of death, but many times grieving for the end of relationships is much harder and more complicated. Why? Because when someone dies we must move on. We do not see them at the supermarket, social events, etc…
Any book on grief and loss will tell you that there are stages of grieving. They will differ on the number of stages and the order they come in but I like to focus on four main ones. Denial/Bargaining, Depression, Anger and eventually Acceptance.
Right now it sounds like you are still in the denial/bargaining stage. You are not a moron for hoping that you will get back together with someone you loved, you would be bizarre if you didn’t hope for that. What makes this process so difficult is you just might get it.
We must make time for each of the stages and our feelings. If we don’t, if we try to just walk it off, and pretend that we are fine then those repressed feelings will find a way to come out in your other relationships. You might snap at relatives, friends, co-workers, clients. You might smell your ex’s favorite meal and be overwhelmed with sadness months or even years after you were sure you had “moved on”.
At the same time we cannot wallow in our misery. We must strike a balance between giving our feelings the time they need and continuing to function. I suggest you try and fill your days and evenings with distractions like time with friends, watching movies, playing with puppies, gardening… Undirected time alone with just you and your brain will be painful. Schedule yourself an hour to 90 minutes of an evening to just lose yourself in your feelings. Schedule something before and after this period so you are not allowed to get sucked in to your feelings for too long. DO NOT schedule this time directly before trying to go to sleep. Getting sleep is important, getting rest is critical. The last thing on your mind before you try to sleep/rest should be something positive.
If you have not noticed a change in the amount of emotional pain you are in after two weeks have gone by consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist. You will have some pain for months but it should gradually reduce and day by day your life will become more normal until, believe it or not , you are ready to love again.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Upallnight Aunt
Dear Maigler: I'm worried about my nephew and I don't know what to do. My older brother has three children and a rocky marriage. For years the kids have heard fighting between their parents and the middle child, now in 8th grade, seems to be acting out. Recently he was caught drinking beer in a park by the police and when his parents cleaned out his room they found drug paraphernalia (he claimed it belonged to a friend). I have tried to encourage my brother to get his son into counseling or into team sports but none of these suggestions seem to take hold. I know my brother loves his son very much but it seems like he thinks that getting his son into counseling would be an admission of failure as a parent. I see my nephew, my brother, and his wife all suffering and I don't see how this gets better. I get so worried about them that I have trouble sleeping. What can I do without being over bearing? After all I have never been the parent of a teenager, do I have the right to say anything more?
Upallnight Aunt
Dear Upallnight Aunt:
All families struggle with these sorts of situations. In America one of our main values is independence. A man's home is his castle and no one has the right to tell anyone how to raise their children. Or do they? If a persons children belonged only to them and they were never going to interact with the rest of society I suppose that might be true, but no individual stops at just being someone's child. Every child is in addition someone's grandchild, someone's nephew, someone's friend, someone's student, someone's boyfriend, someone's future husband, someone's future father. Knowing this it is not just our right, but our obligation to say something if we see parenting that may be damaging to a child.
But what if we make it worse? What if we make the parent defensive? What if they pull away from our advice and cut us out of their lives? This is a real concern. So before approaching any parent about the decisions they are making in raising their child we must consider our strategy.
First before going into any conversation we must ask ourselves what do I want and what am I afraid of. Very often I have found that by asking myself these two questions and sharing them as questions with the person I am dealing with they begin to understand my perspective.
In the case of your brother it sounds like you want to make sure your nephew has access to a healthy outlet for his emotions and you are afraid that if he does not get that outlet the drug and alcohol abuse will increase and he and his parents will continue to suffer, and YOU will suffer by watching them and feeling guilty wishing you had done more. It is very important to recognize that you have a stake in this. This is what will give you the strength to say something and it is also what may convince your brother that you have the right to have input. Whether you like it or not you are impacted by his parenting decisions because you love him and your nephew.
The second step is to become truly empathetic. Many people think they are empathetic if they care about another person. Caring is nice but it is not empathy. Empathy is truly putting yourself in that persons situation and really thinking about what their options are. When I have had to tell parents that their child has been sexually abused the most common response I get is "No they weren't." At first I would get angry with these parents for denying this act had occured and invalidating their children at a time in their life when they were most raw and exposed. Then I really thought about it. If these parents accept that what I've told them is true they will feel like they have failed their children in the greatest way possible. In addition, if the abuse was done by a cousin or even a sibling this news would tear the family apart. The response of these parents was natural and what needed to change were my expectations. I still needed the parents to move past their initial response but in order to help them do that I really had to imagine what they might be feeling and realize that their options were not as clear as they were from my perspective.
Once you have decided what course of action you are hoping your brother will take, and you have really considered what obstacles he is facing to get there, the third step is to figure out how you can communicate your feelings in such a way that your brother and his wife are able to hear them without getting defensive. I suggest starting off by assuming that the person that you are dealing with is intelligent, well meaning, and has good intentions. Even if one of these things is not true people are far more likely to listen to you if you act as if they are. You may assume they have already thought of your solution and there is a piece of the picture that you are missing and ask them to fill in the missing piece for you.
Finally I would encourage you to put your thoughts in writing and have someone you trust proof read what you wrote to see if there are points that could be misinterpreted. Even if you choose to have a conversation on the phone or in person having written out your thoughts will help put them in a logical coherent order and you are more likely to get those points across when speaking.
Example: Hi Gordon, I'm writing you because lately I've been thinking a lot about you and Irma and Gordon Junior. I want things to get better for you, but I'm afraid if something doesn't change Gordo is going to get really hooked on drugs and you and Irma will hurt more and more as time goes on. This worries me so much that I have been having trouble sleeping. I know that no one loves Gordo more than you do so I'm assuming that you have thought about counseling for him and maybe for the family, but as far as I know that isn't happening right now. Is that because you have not been able to find someone good or is there some other reason? I'm not asking to be nosy, I hope you know that, I'm asking because I love you and I want to help, and if you need someone to talk to about this I want you to know I'm here for that. I would sleep a lot better if you could share with me how you are seeing all this, because I know Gordo means way too much to you to try and do this all on your own. Please give me a call after you read this.
Notice that in the note the plan you think is best is laid out, you recognize that he/she may have already thought of this plan and they have a good reason for not enacting it. While they still may not do it this is generally the best way to get them to at least hear you without being defensive.
I wish you good luck with this Upallnight Aunt. If it doesn't work and things continue to deteriorate you may need to speak directly with your nephew to let him know that you care and if he needs your help you will provide it. While this may fracture your relationship with his father we have a duty to children that must surpass any allegiance to adults. No matter how much you love your brother and his wife you cannot stand idly by while a child is harmed.
If you suspect abuse or neglect you can call child protective services and leave an anonymous claim, particularly if bruises or visible marks are present. Unlike the way they are portrayed in the media the child protection workers want to keep families together and keep children in the home but they have to power to mandate counseling. The number to call is 1800-25-abuse.
Good luck.
Upallnight Aunt
Dear Upallnight Aunt:
All families struggle with these sorts of situations. In America one of our main values is independence. A man's home is his castle and no one has the right to tell anyone how to raise their children. Or do they? If a persons children belonged only to them and they were never going to interact with the rest of society I suppose that might be true, but no individual stops at just being someone's child. Every child is in addition someone's grandchild, someone's nephew, someone's friend, someone's student, someone's boyfriend, someone's future husband, someone's future father. Knowing this it is not just our right, but our obligation to say something if we see parenting that may be damaging to a child.
But what if we make it worse? What if we make the parent defensive? What if they pull away from our advice and cut us out of their lives? This is a real concern. So before approaching any parent about the decisions they are making in raising their child we must consider our strategy.
First before going into any conversation we must ask ourselves what do I want and what am I afraid of. Very often I have found that by asking myself these two questions and sharing them as questions with the person I am dealing with they begin to understand my perspective.
In the case of your brother it sounds like you want to make sure your nephew has access to a healthy outlet for his emotions and you are afraid that if he does not get that outlet the drug and alcohol abuse will increase and he and his parents will continue to suffer, and YOU will suffer by watching them and feeling guilty wishing you had done more. It is very important to recognize that you have a stake in this. This is what will give you the strength to say something and it is also what may convince your brother that you have the right to have input. Whether you like it or not you are impacted by his parenting decisions because you love him and your nephew.
The second step is to become truly empathetic. Many people think they are empathetic if they care about another person. Caring is nice but it is not empathy. Empathy is truly putting yourself in that persons situation and really thinking about what their options are. When I have had to tell parents that their child has been sexually abused the most common response I get is "No they weren't." At first I would get angry with these parents for denying this act had occured and invalidating their children at a time in their life when they were most raw and exposed. Then I really thought about it. If these parents accept that what I've told them is true they will feel like they have failed their children in the greatest way possible. In addition, if the abuse was done by a cousin or even a sibling this news would tear the family apart. The response of these parents was natural and what needed to change were my expectations. I still needed the parents to move past their initial response but in order to help them do that I really had to imagine what they might be feeling and realize that their options were not as clear as they were from my perspective.
Once you have decided what course of action you are hoping your brother will take, and you have really considered what obstacles he is facing to get there, the third step is to figure out how you can communicate your feelings in such a way that your brother and his wife are able to hear them without getting defensive. I suggest starting off by assuming that the person that you are dealing with is intelligent, well meaning, and has good intentions. Even if one of these things is not true people are far more likely to listen to you if you act as if they are. You may assume they have already thought of your solution and there is a piece of the picture that you are missing and ask them to fill in the missing piece for you.
Finally I would encourage you to put your thoughts in writing and have someone you trust proof read what you wrote to see if there are points that could be misinterpreted. Even if you choose to have a conversation on the phone or in person having written out your thoughts will help put them in a logical coherent order and you are more likely to get those points across when speaking.
Example: Hi Gordon, I'm writing you because lately I've been thinking a lot about you and Irma and Gordon Junior. I want things to get better for you, but I'm afraid if something doesn't change Gordo is going to get really hooked on drugs and you and Irma will hurt more and more as time goes on. This worries me so much that I have been having trouble sleeping. I know that no one loves Gordo more than you do so I'm assuming that you have thought about counseling for him and maybe for the family, but as far as I know that isn't happening right now. Is that because you have not been able to find someone good or is there some other reason? I'm not asking to be nosy, I hope you know that, I'm asking because I love you and I want to help, and if you need someone to talk to about this I want you to know I'm here for that. I would sleep a lot better if you could share with me how you are seeing all this, because I know Gordo means way too much to you to try and do this all on your own. Please give me a call after you read this.
Notice that in the note the plan you think is best is laid out, you recognize that he/she may have already thought of this plan and they have a good reason for not enacting it. While they still may not do it this is generally the best way to get them to at least hear you without being defensive.
I wish you good luck with this Upallnight Aunt. If it doesn't work and things continue to deteriorate you may need to speak directly with your nephew to let him know that you care and if he needs your help you will provide it. While this may fracture your relationship with his father we have a duty to children that must surpass any allegiance to adults. No matter how much you love your brother and his wife you cannot stand idly by while a child is harmed.
If you suspect abuse or neglect you can call child protective services and leave an anonymous claim, particularly if bruises or visible marks are present. Unlike the way they are portrayed in the media the child protection workers want to keep families together and keep children in the home but they have to power to mandate counseling. The number to call is 1800-25-abuse.
Good luck.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
we do not negotiate with emotional terrorists
Dear Maigler: My boyfriend, well I guess now my ex-boyfriend, and I finally got together after 4 years of being friends but always having terrible timing. The first three months were great but I am going away to college in the fall and lately he has been very clingy. He can't stop saying I love you, even when I ask him to stop and it has been getting on my nerves. While I really feel like we will be together eventually I do not think it is realistic to think we will stay together all through college without dating anyone else. While we were on a trip to Wisconsin with friends we talked honestly about it and he flipped. He broke up with me and threatened to kill himself. We went home and now his friends, his parents (who I was really close with) and even my Mother are all blaming me. I tried to talk to him and he was an emotional wreck. His parents threatened to call the police if they saw me near his house again. What was I supposed to do lie to him? Am I responsible if he does something to himself? Is he just doing this for attention? None of this makes sense to me. I feel like I'm the one going crazy and everyone is making me out to be the bad guy. Help!
Thorougly Confused
Dear Confused:
You did nothing wrong. When something goes wrong people feel the need to blame someone. Your ex-boyfriend is in horrible emotional pain and the people who care about him feel the need to find a cause for it. The think if they can eliminate the cause (You) they can eliminate the pain and then he will be safe, problem solved. Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
It sounds like your boyfriend was pretty emotionally unhealthy. When anyone threatens to kill themselves ever we must always take it seriously. One of my biggest pet peves is when people minimize suicidal statements by saying "He is just saying that for attention." News flash for ya, if a person needs attention that badly and making comments about suicide is the only way they can figure out to get it, then there is something very wrong with them and we better give them some attention before they die.
Do people sometimes say things like "If you break up with me I'll kill myself" or "Sometimes you make me so mad I just have to drink" or "If you hang up the phone I'll cut myself and it will be all your fault." Sure they do. So how should we handle it? Just like the US government. We do not negotiate with terrorists! So what do we do? We say "Okay, I'm giving you one chance to ammend that statement and tell me what you really mean. If you are seriously in danger I'm going to call the police so they can take you to the hospital. Now, are you in danger of harming yourself." If they say yes call their bluff and call the cops. If they were "just doing it for attention" they will not pull that crap again on you. If they are serious then they need to be in a hospital.
I should ammend that. A person who self injurs or a person who threatens to drink does not necessarily need to be in a hospital but they have no right to try and imply that you are responsible for their actions. No one is responsible for any other person's actions. Ever!
Don't believe me? Try this experiment. Look at any object in the room with you right now. Try something small like a pencil. Now using nothing but your mind move it six inches to the right. Go ahead really try. Seriously. Did it work? No? Try again, really focus this time.... Still no luck huh? If you are from planet earth you cannot control anything outside of your self and anybody who tries to claim otherwise is trying to manipulate you.
We all want to be able to control things. Why? For the same reason we need to blame people when something goes wrong. We feel like if we can assign responsiblity for bad things we can avoid them in the future. If we can't that means bad things might be lurking around every corner. Unfortunately that is the truth. When that scary reality becomes too much to handle we make false little rules to order our universe and keep us safe. That process is natural and it only becomes a problem when it starts interfering with our relationships and our functioning. And see all this time you thought you didn't understand why people with OCD washed their hans 10,000 times a day. It all makes sense when you know the function of the behavior.
Back to you Confused, What should you do? Everyone has told you to stay away from the boyfriend and I don't hear you fighting that. What that tells me is you need at least a little time away from him anyway. People seek people at their same emotional level and it sounds like you are healthier than he is right now. Until one of you changes (and I hope it is him) it is not going to work. I hope he gets into some treatment soon. You can give him my card.
Should you have lied to him? I think you knew the answer to that question before you asked it. If you cannot be open in a relationship then you don't have trust. Love without trust is like a glove without a hand inside of it. There is no strength and no substance to a relationship without trust.
Your next step is to figure out what you want to happen. How you want things to go from here. I suggest you write it in a letter to him. Read it to a friend you trust to see how it might be misinterpreted and then edit it. Send the letter to him and tell him to contact you when he wants to and hopefully you guys will be together someday if that is the healthiest thing for you.
While you are waiting, mourn the loss of your relationship and try to do as much as you can to distract yourself. You are fortunate that summer time between senior year of high school and the start of college tends to be a busy time. That is certainly not to minimize your feelings. You do need to grieve like you would for any loss, but I'm sure that will be the topic of another blog. Hang in there confused, but please remember, this is not your fault!
Maigler
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Disclaimer
This Blog is for entertainment purposes only. The view points and opinions expressed on this website should not be considered clinical recommendations and represent only the views of Daniel Maigler and those choosing to post comments and e-mail questions. This blog in no way represents the views of Lake Forest High School, Barrington Clinical Services, or any other organization affiliated with Daniel Maigler. Questions sent may be edited or combined with questions of other senders to make for a more coherent response.
A begining
I want to start an advice blog. I'm hoping this will work. I find myself e-mailing with clients and friends and I give similar advice to sooooo many people that I'm hoping that by having a blog where people can ask me questions I can help many people who have similar issues to deal with them. If I can just figure out how this computer stuff works this might be great.
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