Dear Maigler,
My friend is dating a guy who puts her down and treats her terribly. I know she could do so much better and I want her to get rid of this guy but I’m afraid if I push her too hard she will avoid me and keep him. Ideas?
Dump Theloser
Dear Dump Theloser,
If we want someone to make change we need to meet them where they are. Many women who date one jerk tend to replace him with another when the relationship ends. If you care about your friend you don’t just want her to dump this loser you want her to find a healthy relationship.
People seek people at their same emotional level. This is why two drug addicts who have never met before will find one another at a party, and why time and again domestic violence victims will meet one abuser after another. The behaviors do not have to be the same but the level of emotional health will be equal.
What you must ask your friend is what she is getting out of the relationship. The tricky part is you must ask this with an honest willingness to hear the answer and potentially be convinced that this guy isn’t as awful as you have decided. If you come to her with an open mind she will feel that in your voice tone and be far more likely to open up with you about her fears and concerns about the relationship. If she feels you are trying to pull her away from a relationship she values for some reason you will only cement them closer together.
One of two things will happen: 1.) She may show you something you did not see before which helps you understand why he is worth dating, 2.) her inability to list any convincing reason why she is dating him will say far more than you ever could about why she should break up with him.
Women who tolerate any kind of violence in their relationships, (and yes put downs are most certainly violence!) usually have a self esteem that could use work in some areas and you may want to encourage her to seek counseling. If there is any domestic violence involved encourage her to call the domestic violence hotline or go on their website http://www.ndvh.org/
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