Mending a broken heart

Dear Maigler: My boyfriend and I “took a break” about 3 weeks ago. All my friends told me it was over and I should just move on. He told me he loved me and still wanted to marry me someday but he needed time to work things out. Three days ago he told me we are over for good. I feel like I’m dying now. For a year this guy was my boyfriend and my best friend and now it is all gone. I don’t think I can take this. How long is this pain going to last? Am I a moron for still hoping he is going to come back?

Completely Broken

Dear Completely,

It saddens me to think of the pain you are in. I do not know how you feel, but I know how I felt when my was broken and it sucks. How long will this pain last? Way too long.

Last summer I broke my leg. I had broken bones before and I thought, “no biggie, 6 weeks and I’ll be playing lacrosse again.” I was wrong. Each break is different. The pain from this one kept me up at night, required icing for weeks and it was five months before I could really run again. I still wear a brace sometimes. You have to give it time.

While your wound is mending you can do things to help heal properly. The end of any serious relationship is a loss and we need to grieve for our losses. When we think of grief we think of death, but many times grieving for the end of relationships is much harder and more complicated. Why? Because when someone dies we must move on. We do not see them at the supermarket, social events, etc…

Any book on grief and loss will tell you that there are stages of grieving. They will differ on the number of stages and the order they come in but I like to focus on four main ones. Denial/Bargaining, Depression, Anger and eventually Acceptance.

Right now it sounds like you are still in the denial/bargaining stage. You are not a moron for hoping that you will get back together with someone you loved, you would be bizarre if you didn’t hope for that. What makes this process so difficult is you just might get it.

We must make time for each of the stages and our feelings. If we don’t, if we try to just walk it off, and pretend that we are fine then those repressed feelings will find a way to come out in your other relationships. You might snap at relatives, friends, co-workers, clients. You might smell your ex’s favorite meal and be overwhelmed with sadness months or even years after you were sure you had “moved on”.

At the same time we cannot wallow in our misery. We must strike a balance between giving our feelings the time they need and continuing to function. I suggest you try and fill your days and evenings with distractions like time with friends, watching movies, playing with puppies, gardening… Undirected time alone with just you and your brain will be painful. Schedule yourself an hour to 90 minutes of an evening to just lose yourself in your feelings. Schedule something before and after this period so you are not allowed to get sucked in to your feelings for too long. DO NOT schedule this time directly before trying to go to sleep. Getting sleep is important, getting rest is critical. The last thing on your mind before you try to sleep/rest should be something positive.

If you have not noticed a change in the amount of emotional pain you are in after two weeks have gone by consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist. You will have some pain for months but it should gradually reduce and day by day your life will become more normal until, believe it or not , you are ready to love again.