Upallnight Aunt

Dear Maigler: I'm worried about my nephew and I don't know what to do. My older brother has three children and a rocky marriage. For years the kids have heard fighting between their parents and the middle child, now in 8th grade, seems to be acting out. Recently he was caught drinking beer in a park by the police and when his parents cleaned out his room they found drug paraphernalia (he claimed it belonged to a friend). I have tried to encourage my brother to get his son into counseling or into team sports but none of these suggestions seem to take hold. I know my brother loves his son very much but it seems like he thinks that getting his son into counseling would be an admission of failure as a parent. I see my nephew, my brother, and his wife all suffering and I don't see how this gets better. I get so worried about them that I have trouble sleeping. What can I do without being over bearing? After all I have never been the parent of a teenager, do I have the right to say anything more?

Upallnight Aunt

Dear Upallnight Aunt:

All families struggle with these sorts of situations. In America one of our main values is independence. A man's home is his castle and no one has the right to tell anyone how to raise their children. Or do they? If a persons children belonged only to them and they were never going to interact with the rest of society I suppose that might be true, but no individual stops at just being someone's child. Every child is in addition someone's grandchild, someone's nephew, someone's friend, someone's student, someone's boyfriend, someone's future husband, someone's future father. Knowing this it is not just our right, but our obligation to say something if we see parenting that may be damaging to a child.

But what if we make it worse? What if we make the parent defensive? What if they pull away from our advice and cut us out of their lives? This is a real concern. So before approaching any parent about the decisions they are making in raising their child we must consider our strategy.

First before going into any conversation we must ask ourselves what do I want and what am I afraid of. Very often I have found that by asking myself these two questions and sharing them as questions with the person I am dealing with they begin to understand my perspective.

In the case of your brother it sounds like you want to make sure your nephew has access to a healthy outlet for his emotions and you are afraid that if he does not get that outlet the drug and alcohol abuse will increase and he and his parents will continue to suffer, and YOU will suffer by watching them and feeling guilty wishing you had done more. It is very important to recognize that you have a stake in this. This is what will give you the strength to say something and it is also what may convince your brother that you have the right to have input. Whether you like it or not you are impacted by his parenting decisions because you love him and your nephew.

The second step is to become truly empathetic. Many people think they are empathetic if they care about another person. Caring is nice but it is not empathy. Empathy is truly putting yourself in that persons situation and really thinking about what their options are. When I have had to tell parents that their child has been sexually abused the most common response I get is "No they weren't." At first I would get angry with these parents for denying this act had occured and invalidating their children at a time in their life when they were most raw and exposed. Then I really thought about it. If these parents accept that what I've told them is true they will feel like they have failed their children in the greatest way possible. In addition, if the abuse was done by a cousin or even a sibling this news would tear the family apart. The response of these parents was natural and what needed to change were my expectations. I still needed the parents to move past their initial response but in order to help them do that I really had to imagine what they might be feeling and realize that their options were not as clear as they were from my perspective.

Once you have decided what course of action you are hoping your brother will take, and you have really considered what obstacles he is facing to get there, the third step is to figure out how you can communicate your feelings in such a way that your brother and his wife are able to hear them without getting defensive. I suggest starting off by assuming that the person that you are dealing with is intelligent, well meaning, and has good intentions. Even if one of these things is not true people are far more likely to listen to you if you act as if they are. You may assume they have already thought of your solution and there is a piece of the picture that you are missing and ask them to fill in the missing piece for you.

Finally I would encourage you to put your thoughts in writing and have someone you trust proof read what you wrote to see if there are points that could be misinterpreted. Even if you choose to have a conversation on the phone or in person having written out your thoughts will help put them in a logical coherent order and you are more likely to get those points across when speaking.

Example: Hi Gordon, I'm writing you because lately I've been thinking a lot about you and Irma and Gordon Junior. I want things to get better for you, but I'm afraid if something doesn't change Gordo is going to get really hooked on drugs and you and Irma will hurt more and more as time goes on. This worries me so much that I have been having trouble sleeping. I know that no one loves Gordo more than you do so I'm assuming that you have thought about counseling for him and maybe for the family, but as far as I know that isn't happening right now. Is that because you have not been able to find someone good or is there some other reason? I'm not asking to be nosy, I hope you know that, I'm asking because I love you and I want to help, and if you need someone to talk to about this I want you to know I'm here for that. I would sleep a lot better if you could share with me how you are seeing all this, because I know Gordo means way too much to you to try and do this all on your own. Please give me a call after you read this.

Notice that in the note the plan you think is best is laid out, you recognize that he/she may have already thought of this plan and they have a good reason for not enacting it. While they still may not do it this is generally the best way to get them to at least hear you without being defensive.

I wish you good luck with this Upallnight Aunt. If it doesn't work and things continue to deteriorate you may need to speak directly with your nephew to let him know that you care and if he needs your help you will provide it. While this may fracture your relationship with his father we have a duty to children that must surpass any allegiance to adults. No matter how much you love your brother and his wife you cannot stand idly by while a child is harmed.

If you suspect abuse or neglect you can call child protective services and leave an anonymous claim, particularly if bruises or visible marks are present. Unlike the way they are portrayed in the media the child protection workers want to keep families together and keep children in the home but they have to power to mandate counseling. The number to call is 1800-25-abuse.

Good luck.