why do we have sex?

Dear Maigler,
I just read some statistic that said most girls do not orgasm from penetration until their late 20's if ever. So are all the girls I've had sex with faking it? If they don't like sex why do they do it?

Curious Confusion

Dear Curious,

Just because a woman does not reach an orgasm does not mean she did not enjoy the experience of having sex, or hopefully making love (often not even close to the same activity). But one of the biggest problems in relationship satisfaction is the total disconnect many couples have about why each one of them is engaging in sex.

I started asking my clients the top five reasons why women have sex and why men have sex. [Readers please post your comments on what you think on this topic I would love to know]

Here is what I normally get (order depends on the person, but this tends to be the norm),

Women: 1.) To feel love/connection with their partner, 2.) to move the relationship forward/increase commitment, 3.) Fear (of losing the relationship or of partner's anger or disappointment), 4.) to feel wanted/attractive/powerful, 5.) to avoid (distract from negative thoughts), 6.) to get pregnant, 7.) revenge (piss off cheating partner, parents)

Men: 1.) physical pleasure, 2.) experience/curiosity (try something/one new), 3.) release (tension or hormonal build up), 4.) love/connection, 5.) status

I know the women got 7 and the men had only 5 but usually when asking men they had trouble coming up with more than three reasons or believing there were other reasons, and women had these and a few more.

Not one woman ever listed physical pleasure as a reason for having sex. Often after making the man's list with me they would add it to their list, but it never occurred to them as a reason to have sex.

What does this mean? It means that if both men and women want to be satisfied with their sex life they must focus on making it their love life. They need to be engaging in the same act for similar reasons instead of two people using one another's bodies to get their own needs met. They might as well be masturbating in the same bed watching two different TVs. Then then wonder why there is often a feeling of emptiness after sex, even with two people who have been together for years.

Curious, you need to focus on becoming a great lover, not a great sexer. Make love to your partner and realize that orgasm for either does not need to be a part of the equation. So many young men are confused by pornography and even mainstream media to think slamming away, always harder, faster, and longer is the key to good sex. That is just the key to chafing and bruising. If a woman is moaning and screaming there is a better chance she is in pain than enjoying herself. The key to quality love making is openness of communication, finding your partner's needs and desires and moving toward the same feeling together. Do that and you won't have to worry about anyone faking their desire to be with you.