Am I a rapist?

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Question:  I have been kinda seeing this girl at my school for a couple months.  She made it clear she has a serious boyfriend back home and while she does not mind fooling around she did not want to have sex.  This weekend there was a party at my fraternity and after some drinking and dancing we came up to my room.  I will admit that I let her know how dissapointed I was that she would not sleep with me after we had done just about everything else and she had gotten off.  She asked me if I had a condom and we ended up having sex and I could tell that she was really into it.  I woke in the middle of the night to the sound of her crying and she refused to talk to me about it.  The next morning she left early without saying goodbye.  Now I feel like the worlds biggest asshole.  I know we had both been drinking but she was not drunk and I did not force her to do anything but I still feel awful.  I never wanted to be anyone's regret.  Since she had been drinking does this make me a rapist?  

Answer:  I honestly don't know as I have no way of gauging her state of mind or level of intoxication. I highly doubt you will be prosecuted but it does not sound like that is your primary concern.  

A simple rule of thumb for deciding on whether or not to have sex with a person is if both parties would probably not consent to it if they were stone sober and not aroused, DON'T DO IT.  I know this is a utopian ideal and I have worked with a large number of college students who have never had sex sober, but if your goal is to never again be someone's regret I suggest you stick to this standard.

NO MEANS NO is just a starting point.  So many young men believe if they do not hear NO, or they are able to manipulate or titillate a yes out of their partner then they are all good.  That is a lot of bullshit!  I have worked with victims of sexual abuse who are unable to vocalize anything when they are in a sexual situation.  A young man could easily rape and traumatize such a girl without ever having any idea that something was wrong if he was using the No means No standard.  

Never lay down with anyone that you would not like to wake up with and have breakfast.  If all you are searching for is an orgasm then you are fully capable of finding one of those all by yourself and no one has to feel used or degraded.

It sounds like you need to find this girl as soon as possible and have a conversation with her.  She may never want to see your face again, or more likely, she is blaming herself a lot more than she blames you.  The point is not about assigning blame it is about establishing where you go from here.  Whether or not you wish to pursue a romatic relationship with this girl it seems clear that you care about her feelings.  She needs to know that and be validated that she and her feelings matter, because this weekend you sent a signal that they didn't. 

I'd like to tell you that because you did not intend to harm her that you don't need to feel bad about what you did, but as they old saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."  You are responsible for the results of your actions no matter what your intentions were.  

The best thing you can do right now is take responsibility, and express your regret and her importance.  More importantly do everything in your power to help your fraternity brothers and male friends understand that NO MEANS NO is just a place to start.  They and hundreds of girls will be forever in your debt. 

How do I explain my depression?

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Question:  I can't win.  Every fall I start to get depressed and it happens at other times in the year.  Sometimes I just need to cry or be sad but my boyfriend feels like a failure if I'm not happy.  My parents think I'm just a drama queen because when I'm with my friends or my boyfriend I can be happy and laughing but then when it is time to get out of bed for school sometimes I just can't do it.  My boyfriend wants me to tell him how I"m feeling and I want to be honest with him, but then we fight because I don't want to hear a pep talk, I just want him to be there and love me.  How do I get them all to understand that this is real and I can't help it, but it isn't anybody's fault or job to fix it? Sometimes I just need to cry and be sad for awhile. 

Answer:  Psycho-education for families and friends is the most overlooked part of successful mental health treatment.  As a therapist usually my first job is to get my client to understand what you just said:  This is a disease, it isn't about fault and it isn't about fixing it, it is about learning to manage the symptoms and get on with your life.  This process usually takes me a couple of years so that fact that you are already there is a great sign.

There are four methods I would suggest to get the people you care about to understand what you need and what you don't:  direct conversation, writing them a letter, conversation with a third party, book or movie. 

If you are going to use any of the first three methods your first step is figuring out what you want and planning how you want to go into the conversation/explanation.  The format I suggest is:  1.)  Tell them what you are feeling 2.) identify what you think is triggering that feeling 3.) tell them what you are afraid will happen as a result of the conversation/letter 4.) tell them what you hope will happen next (with concrete examples of what you would like them to do instead of what they have been doing).   

When dealing with men conversations often go off the rails when talking about feelings because the man often wants the feelings to make sense (which feelings are not obliged to do), and/or because he has not been given direct instructions on what he is supposed to DO.  When men do not have an action plan they get nervous, especially if there is a crying woman in the room.  If you give your boyfriend a manual and tell him what his role is in helping you he is likely to be more relaxed and follow instructions. 

I generally suggest writing a letter which you then read aloud or have a trusted friend check for potential land mines that will cause the reader to be defensive.  After you have given the letter and time for the reader to digest follow up with a conversation for clarification. 

Sometimes past arguments and relationships represent a block to communication.  Perhaps your parents cannot take information coming from their daughter seriously.  In these cases if you are working with a therapist it is a great idea to get them involved for a joint session where they help explain what is going on for you.  Sometimes that masters degree will make the same words that you already used sound more real to a parent or boyfriend. 

Finally if you have read a book, seen a movie, or even heard a song which really captures the way you feel, try to expose the person to that media.  Sometimes Hollywood does a much better job than we ever could in explaining the way we are feeling, and while most guys are not rushing out to rent "Girl Interrupted" if you ask your man to watch it with you, he probably will. 

None of these people can know what it feels like inside you, even if they have dealt with depression themselves.  They don't need to know and if they are lucky they will never have to.  They do need to be educated, however, that even if there is no reason for them your feelings are real and they matter.  If they want you to be as healthy as possible they will not question your feelings or make you feel bad for having them, they will just support you in the way that works best for you.