Question: I have been kinda seeing this girl at my school for a couple months. She made it clear she has a serious boyfriend back home and while she does not mind fooling around she did not want to have sex. This weekend there was a party at my fraternity and after some drinking and dancing we came up to my room. I will admit that I let her know how dissapointed I was that she would not sleep with me after we had done just about everything else and she had gotten off. She asked me if I had a condom and we ended up having sex and I could tell that she was really into it. I woke in the middle of the night to the sound of her crying and she refused to talk to me about it. The next morning she left early without saying goodbye. Now I feel like the worlds biggest asshole. I know we had both been drinking but she was not drunk and I did not force her to do anything but I still feel awful. I never wanted to be anyone's regret. Since she had been drinking does this make me a rapist?
Answer: I honestly don't know as I have no way of gauging her state of mind or level of intoxication. I highly doubt you will be prosecuted but it does not sound like that is your primary concern.
A simple rule of thumb for deciding on whether or not to have sex with a person is if both parties would probably not consent to it if they were stone sober and not aroused, DON'T DO IT. I know this is a utopian ideal and I have worked with a large number of college students who have never had sex sober, but if your goal is to never again be someone's regret I suggest you stick to this standard.
NO MEANS NO is just a starting point. So many young men believe if they do not hear NO, or they are able to manipulate or titillate a yes out of their partner then they are all good. That is a lot of bullshit! I have worked with victims of sexual abuse who are unable to vocalize anything when they are in a sexual situation. A young man could easily rape and traumatize such a girl without ever having any idea that something was wrong if he was using the No means No standard.
Never lay down with anyone that you would not like to wake up with and have breakfast. If all you are searching for is an orgasm then you are fully capable of finding one of those all by yourself and no one has to feel used or degraded.
It sounds like you need to find this girl as soon as possible and have a conversation with her. She may never want to see your face again, or more likely, she is blaming herself a lot more than she blames you. The point is not about assigning blame it is about establishing where you go from here. Whether or not you wish to pursue a romatic relationship with this girl it seems clear that you care about her feelings. She needs to know that and be validated that she and her feelings matter, because this weekend you sent a signal that they didn't.
I'd like to tell you that because you did not intend to harm her that you don't need to feel bad about what you did, but as they old saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." You are responsible for the results of your actions no matter what your intentions were.
The best thing you can do right now is take responsibility, and express your regret and her importance. More importantly do everything in your power to help your fraternity brothers and male friends understand that NO MEANS NO is just a place to start. They and hundreds of girls will be forever in your debt.
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