Should girlfriends taste like smoke?

Question:  I have been seeing this girl for the past 6 months that I am deeply in love with. We get along great, if we ever have a problem we bring it up to each other in a peaceful calm manner and solve it there and then. Lately I think she has been smoking because whenever I kiss her, her mouth tastes like an ash tray. I've hinted her whenever we're in conversation that smoking is gross and very unattractive to me and she agrees with me but she still tastes like it sometimes when we kiss. First time I noticed this I asked her if she was smoking and she seemed to take a little offense to it and said no. On occasion it continues. Her mother does the same thing with smoking and acting like she doesn't. What should I do? I don't want to seem like a controlling boyfriend by saying don't do it but I do want it to stop because I feel like shes lying to me.


Answer:  Take a second to think about this from her perspective. Either one of two things is happening, she is an occasional smoker and likes smoking and wants to keep doing it, but she also knows you don't approve and are unlikely to be convinced that it is okay. Or she doesn't smoke and occasionally for some reason she just has bad breath.


Either way you are accusing her of something uncomfortable and she has no way to win. If she is a smoker and she is honest with you she is either going to have to lose smoking or lose you (well maybe not lose you but deal with your disapproval). If she is not a smoker well then that is just awkward.



Is smoking a deal breaker for you? Is bad breath? Is honesty?



Assume that she is smoking and put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would like her to react. Then pretend she is not smoking and ask yourself the same question.



Ultimately you will need to have a very direct conversation with her. No beating around the bush about how you don't like smoking generally, but the next time you feel like you taste it you need to say (you can also do this in letter format)



"Hey we need to talk. I'm really confused because I feel like there are times when I keep tasting smoke when we kiss. Part of me wants to believe you that you don't smoke and I feel like a jerk for bringing this up if it is just some odd dental condition, but when I see the way your Mom hides her smoking it makes me wonder. I hope you realize how much I love you and that if you did feel the need to smoke from time to time it would be so much more important to me that you were honest about it than the issue of whether or not you did it. I am not saying you were lying to me before but I try to put myself in your shoes and I feel like I would have made it pretty hard for you to be honest if you had been smoking when I went on and on about how much I disapproved of it. I want to have a long relationship with you and smoking is not a deal breaker with me, but trust and honesty are. Also nice breath is pretty important. If I ever have smoky, galic, onion, pretzel or any other kind of unpleasant taste in my mouth I really want you to tell me so I can chew some gum or get a mint or something. I want your permission to bring this up to you if I notice it. To be honest I kinda hope you have been smoking because that will be a lot easier to fix than if this is some kind of stomach condition. More importantly I hope we can both be open and honest with each other about the little things and you never feel like you have to hide something from me.



Or tell her something like that. The main idea is whatever is wrong with the taste in her mouth you get rid of it and you lay the ground work for her to be honest in the future. It is unlikely if she has been smoking that she is just going to come right out and admit it, but she might if she would prefer you think that than she just has smoky gross mouth. Believe it or not I have seen people lose multi-year relationships over stuff as little as oral hygine when the one partner tried to just drop hints and wait for it to get better. If you like this girl you owe it to her and the relationship to be more direct.