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Question: I love my boyfriend, he is awesome, he treats me well and he is really cute. We have been dating for almost two years and we are really comfortable together. The problem is our sex kinda stinks. I used to really enjoy sex and get into it and especially lately I feel like I'm just waiting for him to be done. I debate faking an orgasm just so he will finish faster and then I feel guilty. I thought about it and I can't remember ever really enjoying sex when I wasn't drunk or high. I think then I could just feel it, but now I find myself thinking about other things and I can't shut my brain off. I think about how fat I look or I wonder if he is thinking about other girls. If I am going to spend my life with this guy something needs to change. I want to enjoy sex again, but I'm afraid to tell him how I'm feeling and it just isn't practical for me to get drunk or high every time we are going to make love.
Answer: Self conscious: to be aware of one's self. Doesn't sound like a bad thing but the goal of sex, good sex at least, is to fuse two I's into one and allow feeling overtake our minds. In the past you used drugs and alcohol to push the mind out of the equation but they create their own barriers. The best sex of your life is ahead of you not behind, but you must first learn to get excited about your self and your body, and then teach your boyfriend what works best for you to heighten the experience.
Fake it till you make it is a common phrase used in addictions treatment. It does not mean that you should pretend to be sober, it means that before you really believe that change is possible you have to embrace it with your mind and live as if you did believe it.
When having sex with your boyfriend do not fake orgasms as that is only likely to keep the same negative patterns going. Do move and breathe as if really enjoyable sex is possible for you and it is more likely to be achieved. As you increase your heart rate and blood flow to your erogenous zones you become more likely to orgasm.
Since many women never orgasm through vaginal penetration use foreplay or post play to help you get off. If you define successful sex only as when both of you climax near the same time you are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on. Change your definition to make successful sex any sex or play that you enjoy and wish to have more of.
If you have had a problem with him lasting too long and wishing he was done get him closer to climax when you begin and this will be less of an issue. Many young men have been fooled by the porn industry into believing that all women want their man to just pound away as hard as they can for 90 minutes or more. That leads to a lot of sore pubic areas and chaffing and not a lot of satisfaction for the gals.
If you feel comfortable enough consider masturbating with your boyfriend so he can see what really does get you off. Most men want nothing more than to be a successful lover and if you suggest things in a positive way he will not be offended.
For example, if you say "I hate being on top because you make me do all the work and I don't like to look down at my body" the typical man will try to convince you that you look fine and that he will do more work.
If what you want is to try a different position focus on the positive you want to see by saying something like, "I can't wait to see you, I've been thinking all day about you and me in the dark with you (pick position/activity/idea)." By framing things positively your man will be excited to learn and you are more likely to lose yourself in the experience.
Drugs and alcohol are not the key to having good sex. The keys are trust, communication, and enthusiasm. We know that we don't need a partner to get off so if having your partner in the room is more of a barrier than an aid in achieving orgasm then we must change the trust level and the expectations.
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