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Question: My wife and I live in a building where the walls between apartments are not that thick. Recently a family moved in next door and they have a kid (maybe 5) and a baby. From time to time we would hear crying through the walls but we figured, babies cry and little kids cry when they don't get what they want. We would sometimes hear shouting and once or twice something would pound against the wall. I wanted to do something but I never saw any bruises on the wife or the kids. Things never went on for more than a minute or two and it wasn't super loud. How do I know when to get involved and when it is just a family being a family and having some fights?
Answer: If it made you uncomfortable there was something wrong with it. If your neighbor's smoke alarm was going off or their music was too loud you would get up and go knock on the door. If you are ever worried about a person do not hesitate to be a good neighbor and offer assistance.
If there is nothing going on they will more than likely seem sheepish, apologize for the noise or explain what was happening. If they get highly defensive, back off and make sure you are safe. If you feel threatened or something just seems fishy report the situation to the police.
Many people are afraid that if they stick their noses into something they will only make it worse for the wife/children who might be in an abusive situation. It is possible that drawing attention to the situation might make things worse that night or in the short term but ultimately it was going to get worse anyway and at least by investigating you are opening the door to possible relief.
Sexism, Racism, Hetero-sexism, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, none of these things will ever get better as long as the perpetrators are able to make well meaning people feel more ashamed and uncomfortable than they are.
We direct our attention to victims/survivors but we really need to direct our energy toward engaging bystanders, good people like you, and encouraging them to take that next step. Reach out, get to know your neighbor. Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be great people. Maybe nothing is wrong and they will turn out to be weirdo's who borrow your hair dryer and never give it back. The point is if you think something is wrong and you do nothing then you are complicit in keeping the violence going. There are no innocent bystanders! A lost hairdryer or an awkward conversation is a small price to pay for potentially saving a life.
Please take 2 minutes and watch this U-Tube video which expresses the problem better than I ever could.
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