This is not a typical blog it is a statement from me and a plea for help.
I am passionate about stopping domestic violence, sexual assault, hate crimes, and all needless violence. Toward this end I work with an organization called Up to Us - Men's Initiative: http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm
We believe that we can do something about these issues if instead of focusing on the concepts we focus on one man at a time, get him to commit to not being violent, and convince him to talk to his friends.
Our group focuses on men because 95% of violent crimes are committed by men and yet most of the work on this issue up to this point has involved women talking to women.
That is important work but it is time for men to step up, and it is exciting because if we do we can stop the abuse from happening.
More than 1 in every 4 women will be involved in a relationship with domestic violence, 1 in 5 will be sexually assaulted, but 1 in 38 men will become a domestic violence abuser. Do the math the same guys are hurting multiple women, and if we can help them to change we can save so many women from violence.
This is not an economic or racial issue, this happens in every community; rich guys do it, police officers do it, "nice guys" hit their wives.
Today I'm asking you to spread the word about groups like Up to Us - Men's Initiative, Men can stop rape, and others. More importantly I'm asking you to have a conversation with the men in your life about this issue. That is all. Let's talk about what everyone is afraid to look at.
Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis said "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Please shine the light on this issue with the people you love and hopefully it will begin to shrivel and die. If we can save just one person, isn't it worth the time and effort?
We believe that these issues are as old and pervasive as civilization itself, but they don't have to be. Slavery was once accepted in every nation on the planet. Now in the places where it exists it is known to be shameful and we are trying to stamp it out of existence. We can get there with domestic violence, but it is UP to US.
Friday, April 30, 2010
What if I don't feel guilty?
(This blog will be seen by more people if you click "follow this blog" on this site and/or on facebook, so if you can click, please do so)
Question: You said in one of your posts that "guilt has a function, it keeps us from screwing people over." Well, what if I don't feel guilty? I was dating this guy and he fell in love with me and I broke his heart and I thought I would feel really bad because I knew things were heading that way, but I don't. What does that say about me?
Answer: If you do a bad thing and you don't feel guilty you have either 1.) learned to rationalize and justify your behavior in your own mind, 2.) possibly the thing you did was the best choice you could have made in the situation, 3.) you are a sociopath, 4.) some combo of the previous three.
Guilt, like any emotion, is not a good thing or a bad thing it is a response to the stimuli of your environment. In this way emotions are the same as our senses of touch, taste, smell, etc... If you were to say to me "my baby had a dirty diaper but I couldn't smell it, what does that say about me?" As an isolated event, nothing, if it happens all the time you either have an amazing baby or a poor sense of smell.
The fact that you are even questioning if you should feel more guilty suggests that you are not a sociopath or any other personality disorder (borderline, narcissist, etc..) because you are questioning your own behavior and your impact on others. Your acknowledgement that you don't feel as much guilt as you think you should suggests you have felt guilt in the past and this is less intense.
Guilt falls on a spectrum, it is not like you either have it or you don't. The anger spectrum can go from mild irritation all the way to rage. Similarly the guilt spectrum ranges from mild regret to a paralysis of shame and self loathing.
Guilt is about what you have done, shame is about who you are. It sounds like you do have some guilt, or at least mild regret, that this guy got hurt. You kinda wish you could have avoided that but but it isn't eating you up inside. Ok, works for me.
If this becomes a pattern of behavior for you, where you put your needs ahead of the needs of others and you feel just dandy about it, that would suggest your guilt has stopped functioning the way it should and you will end up having crappy-selfish-one sided relationships if you don't do some work on it.
Some people seek to justify selfish behavior by saying "I'm just an asshole" or "I'm just a bitch" as if they are frozen that way and others just need to accept it. 99% of us are selfish at times but if we can consider the needs of others some of the time then we do not have to act like jerks. We can rationalize guilt away all we want but ultimately there is a direct relationship between selfish behavior and unhappiness.
None of us like feeling guilty but without guilt in the appropriate amount for the situation we will end up very lonely. Personally I would rather have the guilt.
Question: You said in one of your posts that "guilt has a function, it keeps us from screwing people over." Well, what if I don't feel guilty? I was dating this guy and he fell in love with me and I broke his heart and I thought I would feel really bad because I knew things were heading that way, but I don't. What does that say about me?
Answer: If you do a bad thing and you don't feel guilty you have either 1.) learned to rationalize and justify your behavior in your own mind, 2.) possibly the thing you did was the best choice you could have made in the situation, 3.) you are a sociopath, 4.) some combo of the previous three.
Guilt, like any emotion, is not a good thing or a bad thing it is a response to the stimuli of your environment. In this way emotions are the same as our senses of touch, taste, smell, etc... If you were to say to me "my baby had a dirty diaper but I couldn't smell it, what does that say about me?" As an isolated event, nothing, if it happens all the time you either have an amazing baby or a poor sense of smell.
The fact that you are even questioning if you should feel more guilty suggests that you are not a sociopath or any other personality disorder (borderline, narcissist, etc..) because you are questioning your own behavior and your impact on others. Your acknowledgement that you don't feel as much guilt as you think you should suggests you have felt guilt in the past and this is less intense.
Guilt falls on a spectrum, it is not like you either have it or you don't. The anger spectrum can go from mild irritation all the way to rage. Similarly the guilt spectrum ranges from mild regret to a paralysis of shame and self loathing.
Guilt is about what you have done, shame is about who you are. It sounds like you do have some guilt, or at least mild regret, that this guy got hurt. You kinda wish you could have avoided that but but it isn't eating you up inside. Ok, works for me.
If this becomes a pattern of behavior for you, where you put your needs ahead of the needs of others and you feel just dandy about it, that would suggest your guilt has stopped functioning the way it should and you will end up having crappy-selfish-one sided relationships if you don't do some work on it.
Some people seek to justify selfish behavior by saying "I'm just an asshole" or "I'm just a bitch" as if they are frozen that way and others just need to accept it. 99% of us are selfish at times but if we can consider the needs of others some of the time then we do not have to act like jerks. We can rationalize guilt away all we want but ultimately there is a direct relationship between selfish behavior and unhappiness.
None of us like feeling guilty but without guilt in the appropriate amount for the situation we will end up very lonely. Personally I would rather have the guilt.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
sexting consequences
(if you like the blog spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you have a question e-mail me and I will do my best to answer.)
Question: My daughter is a freshman in high school. A boy convinced her to send him a topless picture of herself and now it has been sent all over the school. I heard about it from a neighbor and while I haven't seen the picture, and am petrified that somehow I will, I just know that this is true. She developed early and so girls have labeled her a slut since middle school and I know it eats her up inside. Why would she do this? How can I help her if she won't even tell me what is going on? How can I send her back to that school if all these kids have seen her this way?
Answer: 3 steps. Step 1: You tell her that you heard a rumor about her and you don't care if it is true or not but either way you love her and you are there to support her. Step 2: you hold her close and you tell her that everything is going to be just fine. Step 3: You help her fill her time with something that she is confident in and makes her feel good to help build her self esteem and wait for the storm to pass.
There are constantly rumors floating around every high school. Many are false, some are true. No one really knows which is which. Even if the picture is her, she can always claim someone put her face on another body, and maybe that is actually what happened.
Think about when you go to the supermarket and see the tabloids in the check out line. You absorb the rumors about the celebrities but do you really care? Does it change your opinion of that person? Usually not. In general if we like a person we choose to believe the rumors about them are false or could be explained. If we don't like them we believe every nasty thing we hear.
Your daughter's situation at school will not change very much. The people who thought she was a slut are going to have one more piece of ammunition. The kids that like her will base their opinion of her on their own experience, some will even be kinder to her because they feel bad for her situation.
Why would she do this? Why do girls flash their breasts for girls gone wild videos? Why do they pose in Maxim or pornographic magazines? Why do they become exotic dancers? Because admiration for one's appearance feels good.
If we did not pair the display of the naked female form with shame, and couple it with destructive male fantasies about sex and submission, then every woman who was proud of her appearance might display it.
Everyone knew your daughter had breasts, now they know what they look like. While your daughter is probably horrified, if there was a part of her that was also proud would that make her a terrible person? I don't think so.
The problem is the judgement and harassment she will face and if she continued down this path it could prevent her from forming relationships with healthy friends and romantic partners who might not want be associated with drama and poor decision making.
The fix for this is to try to give her something other than the shape of her body to be proud of so she can display that and get affirmation that does not come back to bite her. Even if she becomes a nationally known accordion player to some people she will always be "the girl with the boobs picture". That is part of her identity. Over time hopefully it becomes a smaller and smaller part.
The way you react to this situation will play a critical role for your future relationship with your daughter and her self esteem. It is your goal to convince her that your love is unconditional and even when you are disappointed in her actions you are always proud that she is your daughter. If she believes that she may have the confidence to hold her head high and move forward. If she doesn't you troubles have just begun.
Question: My daughter is a freshman in high school. A boy convinced her to send him a topless picture of herself and now it has been sent all over the school. I heard about it from a neighbor and while I haven't seen the picture, and am petrified that somehow I will, I just know that this is true. She developed early and so girls have labeled her a slut since middle school and I know it eats her up inside. Why would she do this? How can I help her if she won't even tell me what is going on? How can I send her back to that school if all these kids have seen her this way?
Answer: 3 steps. Step 1: You tell her that you heard a rumor about her and you don't care if it is true or not but either way you love her and you are there to support her. Step 2: you hold her close and you tell her that everything is going to be just fine. Step 3: You help her fill her time with something that she is confident in and makes her feel good to help build her self esteem and wait for the storm to pass.
There are constantly rumors floating around every high school. Many are false, some are true. No one really knows which is which. Even if the picture is her, she can always claim someone put her face on another body, and maybe that is actually what happened.
Think about when you go to the supermarket and see the tabloids in the check out line. You absorb the rumors about the celebrities but do you really care? Does it change your opinion of that person? Usually not. In general if we like a person we choose to believe the rumors about them are false or could be explained. If we don't like them we believe every nasty thing we hear.
Your daughter's situation at school will not change very much. The people who thought she was a slut are going to have one more piece of ammunition. The kids that like her will base their opinion of her on their own experience, some will even be kinder to her because they feel bad for her situation.
Why would she do this? Why do girls flash their breasts for girls gone wild videos? Why do they pose in Maxim or pornographic magazines? Why do they become exotic dancers? Because admiration for one's appearance feels good.
If we did not pair the display of the naked female form with shame, and couple it with destructive male fantasies about sex and submission, then every woman who was proud of her appearance might display it.
Everyone knew your daughter had breasts, now they know what they look like. While your daughter is probably horrified, if there was a part of her that was also proud would that make her a terrible person? I don't think so.
The problem is the judgement and harassment she will face and if she continued down this path it could prevent her from forming relationships with healthy friends and romantic partners who might not want be associated with drama and poor decision making.
The fix for this is to try to give her something other than the shape of her body to be proud of so she can display that and get affirmation that does not come back to bite her. Even if she becomes a nationally known accordion player to some people she will always be "the girl with the boobs picture". That is part of her identity. Over time hopefully it becomes a smaller and smaller part.
The way you react to this situation will play a critical role for your future relationship with your daughter and her self esteem. It is your goal to convince her that your love is unconditional and even when you are disappointed in her actions you are always proud that she is your daughter. If she believes that she may have the confidence to hold her head high and move forward. If she doesn't you troubles have just begun.
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