What does it mean to be a man? A message to my family.

There is no question for this one, just me on my soap box. 

I am part of a coalition called Up 2 Us that strives to get men more involved in standing up against domestic violence and sexual assault.  Our mission is to get men to see these not as women's problems but as human problems that impact all of us. 

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=204132927681&ref=ts

http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm

We give presentations where we try to accomplish 3 things.  1.) get people to question what they have learned about what it means to be a man and create a new definition for themselves that they really believe in.  2.) become an ally to those who step outside the box of typical man hood by refusing to participate in mocking them and by openly supporting them.  3.) interrupt violence be it physical or verbal (jokes, comments, harassment) when ever it is safe to do so.  

Because of my involvement with Up 2 Us I have been asked to participate in a documentary intended for students about to start college.  I thought I would point out to my audience that most guys would be willing to fight a room full of rapists if they were told one of those guys might hurt a woman they loved.  If however, those same guys were to asked to have a conversation with 10 of their male friends and relatives about rape and about manhood, none of them would do it. 

Sounds crazy.  One should be so much easier than the other.  Why is it so hard for us to talk to the men in our lives when we know that the only real way to protect the women we love is to make a change in the men who surround them.  The sad fact is most rapes are not committed by strangers.  Men we like, our buddies, can assault someone and claim they didn't know any better, they were drunk, or some other lame excuse.  

But before I could get too frustrated with any one else I asked, "why haven't I done it."  I have two nephews in college and three that will be there soon.  Johnny, Joey, Brendan, Kevin, Brian this post is for you.  I want to talk to you about what it means to be a man, and what it doesn't mean. 

Being a man, being a Maigler, is about hard work, taking care of your responsibilities, being dependable, and putting the needs of others ahead of yourself.   If you can do those things you are a man in my eyes and I'm proud to have you share my name.

Being a man has nothing to do with sex, or fighting, or how much food you can eat or booze you can drink. Being a man is not about proving anything to anyone but yourself.  You do not need to control a woman, you do not need to always be right, you can let yourself be disrespected and not fight that guy if he isn't worth your time (and none of them are). 

I love you boys and I want to protect you from the mistakes that I have made.  I never want any woman to regret that she met you.  I know that feeling and what I've done to earn it, and if I can spare you from it I want to.  I want you to realize that sex without intimacy is nothing more than mutual masturbation and you are better off without it. 

As I look above at my definition of a man I realize that any woman I admire could live those words too.  I think maybe we should worry less about earning the title of manhood and worry more about becoming a responsible adult and a decent human being and the rest will take care of itself.

I hope to talk to you boys more about these things in person.  I will ask everyone sees this blog to do the same.  Ask yourself what kind of men you want the boys in your life to grow up to be, what kind of men you want the girls in your life to be surrounded by.  Then have a conversation with those boys and girls about it so maybe, just maybe, you can save them from the pain of regret that life has taught us all so bitterly. 

More violence is done out of ignorance than malice.  We can chase that ignorance from this earth if we acknowledge that it is Up 2 Us. 

Eating Disorders program for my son?

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Question:  Last week my son informed his therapist that he has an eating disorder and he thinks he needs to go into a treatment program.  My husband and I were shocked, my son is thin but he is a runner and he looks normal compared to most of the boys.  We want to get our son the best care possible but we have had difficulty even getting calls back from some of the local eating disorders programs, and they all seem to be geared for girls.  Should we be looking for a specialized program for boys and men?  Is this the kind of thing where he is going to need to leave school for a month or can he be treated a couple times a week with a therapist?  We just don't know where to start.   

Answer:  The ideal treatment program does not exist.  It does not matter what issue you are dealing with, from eating disorders to anxiety to addiction, since every person has such individual circumstances, strengths, and symptoms there will never be a perfect fit.  I would love to tell you about a great program for boys and men with eating issues, and there are probably a couple but if they are out of state or a zillion dollars you may be better off focusing on factors other than gender in finding the right fit for your son.  

So start by doing your homework on the web and try to find someone in the field to talk to who does not have a financial interest in which program you pick.  National Eating Disorders is a non-profit that can provide resources (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/).  Another track is to call an nationally renown program like McCallum Place in Missouri (http://www.mccallumplace.com/) and ask them if they have any recommendations for your area.

After you have a rank list of the local programs contact your insurance company and see what they cover.  While it might sound cold to pick a treatment option based on what insurance will pay for, eating disorders, like any addiction, often take more than one stint in treatment to crack.  If you go bankrupt, which can honestly happen, you won't be able to provide your son with any treatment and his condition may worsen if he feels like he is causing a great deal of financial stress to the family.  Often insurance companies want to make sure you have tried some less intensive interventions first, like out patient therapy with an eating disorders specialist, before they are willing to pop for a 30-60 day stay in a treatment facility.

To be frank insurance companies HATE eating disorders because they represent a huge financial drain which can last for decades.  This has led them to create barriers to paying for treatment which have led to the closure of a number of programs and reduction in staff at others.  You may not be getting a phone call or an e-mail back right away for some of these reasons but if you don't get a good feeling when you actually do talk to someone try to go on to the next program.  Families really need to partner with treatment providers to make sure that any gains can be sustained when a person leaves treatment. 

Some factors that impact the severity and course of treatment for an eating disorder are the amount of time the person has had the eating disorder, how much of the persons time and thought is devoted to food and eating, how much shame and guilt is associated with food.

There is a difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating.  Disordered eating are the behaviors that a person with an eating disorder might display (restricting, binging, purging, hyper exercise after eating...) without the emotional obsession with food.  A person with an eating disorder may still obsess about everything they put in their mouth even during periods where they have no disordered eating behaviors.

A large percentage of people with eating disorders may also have another issue that needs treatment and may shift between negative coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions.  We often see a triangle with Eating disorders at one point, self injury at another, and risk taking behaviors (ex.) drugs and alcohol, unprotected sex, shoplifting, unsafe driving...) at the third.  People may shift from one point to another as they try to convince themselves that they don't have a problem.

The key to treatment for eating disorders is to find another way to get the emotional relief that the disordered eating behaviors have provided in the past.  Eating disorders are the hardest addiction to successfully treat because the abstinence model is impossible.  You can stop drinking, gambling, self injuring, etc... but you cannot stop eating and not eating. 

Treatment programs will first work to develop healthier coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions and then go back and find out how the eating developed so if there is an old trauma that needs healing it can be dealt with instead of just covered over by new and better coping skills.

It is hard to say what your son will need without more information but I can tell you that his prognosis is excellent just because he has stated he is willing to get help. 

Your son is likely to get well no matter which treatment program he goes to if he really wants to move on.  All the programs work if the clients work with the program.  Be prepared that he may have issues with food for the rest of his life but he is fully capable of moving on to a life that is so full of good things that eating issues seem like a thing of the distant past.

Can I be gay for just one person?

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Question:  About 18 months ago my friend and I hooked up when we were drunk.  I have always been straight and while I might have kissed another girl at a party to raise an eyebrow and I've always been huge into cuddling with female friends when watching movies or hanging out, there was never anything sexual about it, at least for me.  For the next year my friend and I would hook up on and off, but it was like I had this wall in my mind that this wasn't me, and it was just a game for both of us while we waited to find Mr. Right.  I know it doesn't sound like it from this question but I am a deeply religious person and my church believes homosexuality is a choice and a sin, so I've felt a lot of guilt about the whole thing.  Over the last couple months something has really changed for me.  I'm still attracted to guys and I've never been sexually attracted to another girl, but now I don't want anyone else... God I'm having a hard time even writing this but I think I'm in love with her.  Does this mean I've been lying to myself my whole life?  All those times when I was in high school cuddling with a friend was that really early signs of me being gay, or something?  I've never really believed in bi-sexuality I always just thought those were broken people just looking for anyone to screw or to get attention and now that this is happening to me I feel like my world is upside down.  Can a person be gay for just one person?  I don't know what to do my family and her family would never accept us and I would lose all the people I love from my church.  What if I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same way back?  Help!

Answer:  Feelings are not rational do not try to make them behave that way.  You love this girl so yes, you can be gay for just one person.  It sounds like if you had not been indoctrinated and taught that certain things were wrong and sinful you would have no question in your mind that this is true.  It also sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you that this is impossible so you won't have to risk being rejected, which is a fear greater than losing your church and your identity. 

Alfred Kinsey helped the modern world open the door to the notion that it is normal for human sexuality to go way beyond a man and a woman.  In the ancient world this was so widely accepted that even Emperors would openly take lovers of the same sex.

Our obsession with putting labels on things in an attempt to classify and understand generally works for about 90% of any category but there are always exceptions.  Mammals don't lay eggs except for the platypus.  There are 300 million people in America so even if only 1% were something other than fully hetero-sexual (and the number is probably closer to 15%) that would be 3 million people.  That's a lot of exceptions, don't be shocked if you are one of them.     

The bible generally makes the argument that any sex that is not between two married people trying to create a child is wrong.  Accordingly, if you think you are going to hell for having sex with a girl but having sex with a guy outside of marriage is okay then you weren't listening to your church to begin with.

A great recipe for driving yourself crazy is deciding how the world should be and trying to conform your life and your feelings to fit that.  Not gonna work.  If you want to make it through life without having a breakdown try listening to your feelings instead of trying to control them.  If you love this girl go after her, if she doesn't love you back or if she breaks your heart join the rest of us who have taken our shot at greatness and fallen short.

Just because you fell in love with one woman it does not make you bi-sexual.  You may love just this one girl and love nothing but men for the rest of your life because that is all you are drawn to.  You may fall in love with nothing but women for the rest of your life but still choose to take a male lover and a husband because that is how you want to live.  Whatever you do is fine if you are living your life honestly with yourself and your partners and you stop trying to bend the facts to fit the philosophy.  Good luck and go get her.