Can sex at 13 be consensual?

(I'm sorry I didn't have time to blog in May.  Keep the questions coming and I promise I will answer even if they don't make the blog).  

Question:  When I was 13 I had a crush on a 21 year old guy and he raped me.  Years later I ran into him and he said "You know you wanted it."  When I told my therapist about it she said, that even if I had wanted it (which I didn't) it still would have been rape.  It took me a long time, but I know that bastard raped me, but I don't know if I believe that a 13 year old can't have consensual sex. I think when I was 13 if I had been with a loving guy who had been patient and kind I could have had beautiful consensual sex, even if the guy had been older.  Is that possible? 

Answer:  No, it is not possible for a 13 year old to have consensual sex with anyone, even the nicest kindest person on the planet, even if he was 12, because consent implies having a real understanding about what you are agreeing to, and no 13 year old is mentally and emotionally prepared for sex, even if they have been having it for years. 

I want to be clear that I am not even talking about the legal issues.  Legally a 13 year old having sex is seven kinds of wrong, but I don't think most people make their sexual decisions about what the law says, I think/hope they decide based on a morality that is far stronger than law.

There have been millions of examples of 13 year olds having sex throughout history who did not feel violated and who have had no regret about the experience.  There have also been examples of 13 year olds fighting in wars and working in coal mines and successfully doing all kinds of things that they were really not ready for. 

If we asked 13 year olds if they wanted to and fight in Afghanistan and we made it seem as glamorous and adult as our media makes sex seem you wouldn't be able to sign them up fast enough.  I would have signed up at 13 and no matter how many gory war documentaries you made me watch I still would have wanted to go.  Does that mean I would have been able to consent?  No, because no matter how many hours I played Call of Duty, I still just don't get it. 

13 year old boys and girls will continue having sex, and in certain cultures it will be supported by adults.  In other countries and cultures this may not be considered illegal or immoral but it will never be the most healthy thing for that individual's development. 

In this country, however, no matter how much that boy or girl "wants it" and sometimes they really really do, we must do everything in our power to help them to wait.  Just as we would ask them to wait before driving, going to college, or fighting in a war.  Some of them could handle it and be fine, but when something goes wrong and we still have so much growing to do a trauma can stunt growth permanently. 

When someone more than two years older than a teen wants to connect intimately with them they are betraying signs that something is emotionally malformed within them.  Healthy adults are repelled by the idea of sex with someone who is not fully formed.  Unfortunately many younger teens, especially girls, find these emotionally stunted predators attractive because they feel like they have something in common with them.  They do, both people are not fully formed, but the teen still has a chance to grow, and the predator, is unlikely to ever grow into a healthy person.