(like the blog? please spread the word and sign up to follow it here or on facebook. Have a question? Send an e-mail to maigler@3rdcoastcoaching.org)
Question: My friend broke up with her boyfriend for, I kid you not, the 14th time since January! Every time she is a mess and I skip dates, or things I want to do to go and console her, and then no more than a week later they are back together. I want to be a good friend but I'm starting to resent her. What should I do?
Answer: Your friend is an addict and you are participating in and enabling her addiction by putting your life on hold for her melt downs. True friendship does not feed into an addiction it insists that your friend get into some counseling and work on her issues.
The real question is what are you getting out of this? You stand as the outsider of her relationship with her on again off again boyfriend, and clearly you can see it isn't healthy and she needs a change. Let me guess, she tells you, "but when things are good they are soooo good." I'm sure you just shake your head.
Let me ask you this, would an outsider looking at your relationship with her say the same things? Is your friendship great when things are good, when she isn't putting her boyfriend and her relationship needs ahead of you?
At the end of the day you put up with her BS the same reason she puts up with his, because an unhealthy relationship is better than being alone. When looking at her you can see she deserves to be treated better. The same is true for you.
We train people on how to treat us. What you show her by dropping everything when ever her life is a mess is that you feel that her life is more important than yours. Your friendship makes her feel good about herself. What reason does she have to stop abusing this relationship. A true friendship has balance. Give your friend a chance to be a real friend by treating yourself as well as you treat her, she may surprise you by understanding.
We all get the relationships we believe we deserve and that includes friendships. Next time she and Mr. NotSoRight break up you do not have to ignore her, but you do have to go on with your life. You have to tell her how much it hurts you to see her continual suffering and that she owes it to your friendship to seek counseling. You have the right to stop putting yourself through the turmoil and working harder than she is to keep her from suffering.
I know that what I'm saying is simple, but not easy. These things rarely are, but every relationship worth having requires work and sacrifice and friendship is certainly no exception.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
no time for therapy
(like the blog? please spread the word and sign up to follow it here or on facebook. Have a question? Send an e-mail to maigler@3rdcoastcoaching.org)
Question: My wife is anxious, sad, and irritable much more often lately and I finally got her to agree that counseling might be a good idea, but she keeps saying she has no time for it. She is very busy with work and the kids. How can I help her find time for this.
Answer: Any person who claims lack of time is their main reason for not doing something is holding back their real reason. Lack of time is just an excuse. We make time for the things that are really important. Do you think anyone feels they have time for chemotherapy? How about dialysis? These things do not fit well into our schedules either and yet if someone tried to claim they did not have time to do something that would keep them alive we would have them institutionalized.
I am a very busy person and often I do not have time to work out. BS! While I am busy I could always choose to drop on the floor and do a few push ups and sit ups. Allowing myself to believe I am too busy keeps me safe from the guilt I would feel if I admitted my real reason; I don't want to work out. Even if I did want to I would rather do something else more, like sleep, eat, watch TV.... We all have priorities we all make choices. So why isn't becoming emotionally healthy at the top of everyone's priority list?
One of the best quotes I ever heard was that offering someone therapy is like giving them an aluminum ladder out of hell. It is horrible where you are but to take and grab on to something that is going to burn you is hard to get yourself to do.
There are two major threats that therapy brings with it: What if it doesn't work, and perhaps scarier, What if it does work?
What if it doesn't work: People like to have a plan of last resort. Like a "do not break glass in case of emergency" plan and they are afraid if they use the worst case scenario plan and it does not work they will have nothing, no hope at all. Often they will tell themselves that they will go to therapy if it gets "bad enough." And in the meantime they wait and suffer, enduring more damage by the day, needlessly. If therapy doesn't work they might have spent time, money, and exposed themselves to some weirdo who might judge them, or tell them to change things in their life that they can't or don't want to change. Going to a therapist represents a much bigger risk than most people realize, until they think about going themselves.
What if it does work: People often grow to count on their negative coping skills. Many self injurers call their behavior "their best friend." Gamblers often enjoy gambling. If therapy works they may not be able to do this thing they have counted on anymore. Most people are successful in many areas of their lives and part of them may believe that if they lose their suffering they may lose the vital ingredient that made them successful in the first place. "If I wasn't anxious maybe I would become a fat lazy slob and let everything fall apart."
Another danger of counseling success is the fear of regret. If we have been suffering for a long time we convince ourselves there is no solution. If it turns out that there was a solution and we did not need to be suffering we feel like fools for having wasted so much time. Many people would honestly rather continue to suffer than feel the pain of regret.
The idea that anyone cannot find an hour a week to make their emotional health a priority is ridiculous. Even if you do not live near any therapist there are counselors and life coaches who will work with you over the phone or over the Internet.
If you can give counseling one work week, 40 hours, and you are working with a therapist who is a good fit for you, it will change your life for the better. 40 sessions may seem like a lot, (and you should know if the therapist is a good fit for you in 4 sessions) but ask yourself how many hours it took to get to feeling the way you are. 4000? 40,000? An investment of one work week is a small price to pay to potentially make a change that can transform your life and the lives of those who care about you.
You cannot force your wife to make time for counselling. But you can tell her that watching her continue to suffer is very painful for you, find a way to get all of her extra jobs covered for that hour window once a week, so that not having time can no longer be her excuse.
Question: My wife is anxious, sad, and irritable much more often lately and I finally got her to agree that counseling might be a good idea, but she keeps saying she has no time for it. She is very busy with work and the kids. How can I help her find time for this.
Answer: Any person who claims lack of time is their main reason for not doing something is holding back their real reason. Lack of time is just an excuse. We make time for the things that are really important. Do you think anyone feels they have time for chemotherapy? How about dialysis? These things do not fit well into our schedules either and yet if someone tried to claim they did not have time to do something that would keep them alive we would have them institutionalized.
I am a very busy person and often I do not have time to work out. BS! While I am busy I could always choose to drop on the floor and do a few push ups and sit ups. Allowing myself to believe I am too busy keeps me safe from the guilt I would feel if I admitted my real reason; I don't want to work out. Even if I did want to I would rather do something else more, like sleep, eat, watch TV.... We all have priorities we all make choices. So why isn't becoming emotionally healthy at the top of everyone's priority list?
One of the best quotes I ever heard was that offering someone therapy is like giving them an aluminum ladder out of hell. It is horrible where you are but to take and grab on to something that is going to burn you is hard to get yourself to do.
There are two major threats that therapy brings with it: What if it doesn't work, and perhaps scarier, What if it does work?
What if it doesn't work: People like to have a plan of last resort. Like a "do not break glass in case of emergency" plan and they are afraid if they use the worst case scenario plan and it does not work they will have nothing, no hope at all. Often they will tell themselves that they will go to therapy if it gets "bad enough." And in the meantime they wait and suffer, enduring more damage by the day, needlessly. If therapy doesn't work they might have spent time, money, and exposed themselves to some weirdo who might judge them, or tell them to change things in their life that they can't or don't want to change. Going to a therapist represents a much bigger risk than most people realize, until they think about going themselves.
What if it does work: People often grow to count on their negative coping skills. Many self injurers call their behavior "their best friend." Gamblers often enjoy gambling. If therapy works they may not be able to do this thing they have counted on anymore. Most people are successful in many areas of their lives and part of them may believe that if they lose their suffering they may lose the vital ingredient that made them successful in the first place. "If I wasn't anxious maybe I would become a fat lazy slob and let everything fall apart."
Another danger of counseling success is the fear of regret. If we have been suffering for a long time we convince ourselves there is no solution. If it turns out that there was a solution and we did not need to be suffering we feel like fools for having wasted so much time. Many people would honestly rather continue to suffer than feel the pain of regret.
The idea that anyone cannot find an hour a week to make their emotional health a priority is ridiculous. Even if you do not live near any therapist there are counselors and life coaches who will work with you over the phone or over the Internet.
If you can give counseling one work week, 40 hours, and you are working with a therapist who is a good fit for you, it will change your life for the better. 40 sessions may seem like a lot, (and you should know if the therapist is a good fit for you in 4 sessions) but ask yourself how many hours it took to get to feeling the way you are. 4000? 40,000? An investment of one work week is a small price to pay to potentially make a change that can transform your life and the lives of those who care about you.
You cannot force your wife to make time for counselling. But you can tell her that watching her continue to suffer is very painful for you, find a way to get all of her extra jobs covered for that hour window once a week, so that not having time can no longer be her excuse.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
pregnant and on meds?
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I take medication to manage bi-polar disorder and I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm not sure yet what I want to do about it. I'm afraid to stop taking my meds because my hormones are making me a basket case and I'm afraid to keep taking my meds because of what it might be doing to the baby? What should I do?
Answer: You need to talk to a doctor ASAP!
When I was in graduate school I had a great professor who used to tell us, "when ever you are stuck between two choices and you are not sure what to do, what you need is more information, then one of the choices will become clear."
There are 4 places I would suggest you go for information. 1.) your psychiatrist. Who ever is prescribing you your medication for mental health symptom management hopefully knows you well and the two of you need to have a conversation about how to best balance your needs without creating a risk to your potential unborn child. Even if you decide to terminate the pregnancy it is important to communicate with anyone who helps support you because that will have a significant impact on your stress and hormone levels and consequently your emotions.
2.) Your OBGYN, hopefully you have one, if you don't you need to see one right away. I would like to tell you that all doctors are perfect and never make mistakes about drug interactions and potential impact on a fetus, but why risk it? Whatever your psychiatrist tells you, you also need to compare notes with a doctor who is an expert on fetal development. This decision is too important to just trust one source of information.
3.) The drug manufacturer. People think drug companies are all about making money and they will say anything to get people to buy their product. That is only half right, they like making money but they do not want to do anything to get themselves sued because that will cost them a lot more money. No one knows better than the drug company what the potential impact of a medication would be. E-mailing the drug company or going on their website and finding a phone number to call is a free way to get the most expert information on your medication.
4.) community agencies (ex planned parenthood) Many of my clients don't really know/trust their psychiatrist, don't have an OBGYN and would be too flustered to play around with a drug company website to try to find info. Community agencies will not have the drug information themselves but they will help you to find someone in your area that you can trust for a price you can afford.
BEWARE of Internet information! The Internet is fantastic, but there is generally no accountability for putting incorrect or out of date info up on a website. Using google or web MD is fine but do not let that be your only source. You need to talk to a real live person to help you review the options of your specific case and create the best plan for you.
Having a baby is an emotional roller coaster for any woman. A person dealing with schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc... can certainly find a way to go off their medication and manage their symptoms, if that is what they need to do for the health of their child. To do this successfully they need to find ways to reduce stress levels and increase their reliance on the supportive people in their life. If they are not in regular counseling they will probably need to start or increase the regularity of their visits. The key to symptom reduction is stress management and and with a good plan you and a baby can be stable and healthy until it is safe to begin taking medication again. Just don't try to do it on your own!
Question: I take medication to manage bi-polar disorder and I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm not sure yet what I want to do about it. I'm afraid to stop taking my meds because my hormones are making me a basket case and I'm afraid to keep taking my meds because of what it might be doing to the baby? What should I do?
Answer: You need to talk to a doctor ASAP!
When I was in graduate school I had a great professor who used to tell us, "when ever you are stuck between two choices and you are not sure what to do, what you need is more information, then one of the choices will become clear."
There are 4 places I would suggest you go for information. 1.) your psychiatrist. Who ever is prescribing you your medication for mental health symptom management hopefully knows you well and the two of you need to have a conversation about how to best balance your needs without creating a risk to your potential unborn child. Even if you decide to terminate the pregnancy it is important to communicate with anyone who helps support you because that will have a significant impact on your stress and hormone levels and consequently your emotions.
2.) Your OBGYN, hopefully you have one, if you don't you need to see one right away. I would like to tell you that all doctors are perfect and never make mistakes about drug interactions and potential impact on a fetus, but why risk it? Whatever your psychiatrist tells you, you also need to compare notes with a doctor who is an expert on fetal development. This decision is too important to just trust one source of information.
3.) The drug manufacturer. People think drug companies are all about making money and they will say anything to get people to buy their product. That is only half right, they like making money but they do not want to do anything to get themselves sued because that will cost them a lot more money. No one knows better than the drug company what the potential impact of a medication would be. E-mailing the drug company or going on their website and finding a phone number to call is a free way to get the most expert information on your medication.
4.) community agencies (ex planned parenthood) Many of my clients don't really know/trust their psychiatrist, don't have an OBGYN and would be too flustered to play around with a drug company website to try to find info. Community agencies will not have the drug information themselves but they will help you to find someone in your area that you can trust for a price you can afford.
BEWARE of Internet information! The Internet is fantastic, but there is generally no accountability for putting incorrect or out of date info up on a website. Using google or web MD is fine but do not let that be your only source. You need to talk to a real live person to help you review the options of your specific case and create the best plan for you.
Having a baby is an emotional roller coaster for any woman. A person dealing with schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc... can certainly find a way to go off their medication and manage their symptoms, if that is what they need to do for the health of their child. To do this successfully they need to find ways to reduce stress levels and increase their reliance on the supportive people in their life. If they are not in regular counseling they will probably need to start or increase the regularity of their visits. The key to symptom reduction is stress management and and with a good plan you and a baby can be stable and healthy until it is safe to begin taking medication again. Just don't try to do it on your own!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
ambushed by emotions
(If you like the blog please spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you would like a question answered or to set up a counseling appointment send me an e-mail)
Question: I was hanging out with friends, everything was going great, suddenly I felt like crying. Sometimes I get ambushed by my emotions when there is no trigger. What the hell is going on with me.
Answer: Two possibilities, unfrozen computer or petrified of success:
Unfrozen Computer: When we go through an emotional trauma the chemical computer, which we call our brain, shuts down in order to save as many of it's circuits as possible. Like if your house got hit by lightening your computer would lose some stuff but it would try to shut down as many programs as possible to keep them from getting fried.
Over time we boot things back up and most of the programs are running fine but damage has been done. 6 months or a year later we are working on a spreadsheet and suddenly everything freezes. How could this be related to an Internet virus from the summer? Computers are weird things and the way one event connects to another is hard to explain. Sometimes after a nasty knock on the head a person might start smelling pears, why are they related? Ask a neurologist, I don't know, but I know it happens.
So if you are feeling nasty emotions with no external stimuli this could be part of your brain thawing from an older trauma. You are noticing now because your life has settled down enough that you can. This may also happen with positive emotions but we don't bother to complain when we are suddenly happy for no good reason.
Petrified of success. Have you ever known someone who freaked out when they were in a great relationship and sabotaged it because they were afraid they were going to get dumped. We don't just do this in relationships. If we have had more than our fair share of crappy things happen to us in our lives we might start to get real antsy when things are going too well.
When I tried to learn to snow board as soon as I started picking up speed I would purposefully fall down so that when I did crash it wouldn't hurt too much. Being clumsy by nature my past experiences led me to believe that I would fall and it would be painful. That attitude got me a lot of bruises and a fear of snowboarding, I never hung on long enough to simply enjoy the rush of the motion.
If you are ambushed by emotion the first step is to look for patterns. Is it truly random or is it every time you are having a wonderful day and... If there is a pattern we look for a fear that might be connected with it. If there is no pattern then it may be an emotional thaw going on and we look for a way to reverse our momentum and not let that bad feeling ruin the rest of our day.
Feelings don't always make sense, that is what keeps us from being robots and makes life so exciting. If, however you get ambushed by nasty emotions and you are sick of it, talk to a therapist and work it out together.
Question: I was hanging out with friends, everything was going great, suddenly I felt like crying. Sometimes I get ambushed by my emotions when there is no trigger. What the hell is going on with me.
Answer: Two possibilities, unfrozen computer or petrified of success:
Unfrozen Computer: When we go through an emotional trauma the chemical computer, which we call our brain, shuts down in order to save as many of it's circuits as possible. Like if your house got hit by lightening your computer would lose some stuff but it would try to shut down as many programs as possible to keep them from getting fried.
Over time we boot things back up and most of the programs are running fine but damage has been done. 6 months or a year later we are working on a spreadsheet and suddenly everything freezes. How could this be related to an Internet virus from the summer? Computers are weird things and the way one event connects to another is hard to explain. Sometimes after a nasty knock on the head a person might start smelling pears, why are they related? Ask a neurologist, I don't know, but I know it happens.
So if you are feeling nasty emotions with no external stimuli this could be part of your brain thawing from an older trauma. You are noticing now because your life has settled down enough that you can. This may also happen with positive emotions but we don't bother to complain when we are suddenly happy for no good reason.
Petrified of success. Have you ever known someone who freaked out when they were in a great relationship and sabotaged it because they were afraid they were going to get dumped. We don't just do this in relationships. If we have had more than our fair share of crappy things happen to us in our lives we might start to get real antsy when things are going too well.
When I tried to learn to snow board as soon as I started picking up speed I would purposefully fall down so that when I did crash it wouldn't hurt too much. Being clumsy by nature my past experiences led me to believe that I would fall and it would be painful. That attitude got me a lot of bruises and a fear of snowboarding, I never hung on long enough to simply enjoy the rush of the motion.
If you are ambushed by emotion the first step is to look for patterns. Is it truly random or is it every time you are having a wonderful day and... If there is a pattern we look for a fear that might be connected with it. If there is no pattern then it may be an emotional thaw going on and we look for a way to reverse our momentum and not let that bad feeling ruin the rest of our day.
Feelings don't always make sense, that is what keeps us from being robots and makes life so exciting. If, however you get ambushed by nasty emotions and you are sick of it, talk to a therapist and work it out together.
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