no time for therapy

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Question: My wife is anxious, sad, and irritable much more often lately and I finally got her to agree that counseling might be a good idea, but she keeps saying she has no time for it. She is very busy with work and the kids. How can I help her find time for this.


Answer: Any person who claims lack of time is their main reason for not doing something is holding back their real reason. Lack of time is just an excuse. We make time for the things that are really important. Do you think anyone feels they have time for chemotherapy? How about dialysis? These things do not fit well into our schedules either and yet if someone tried to claim they did not have time to do something that would keep them alive we would have them institutionalized.


I am a very busy person and often I do not have time to work out. BS! While I am busy I could always choose to drop on the floor and do a few push ups and sit ups. Allowing myself to believe I am too busy keeps me safe from the guilt I would feel if I admitted my real reason; I don't want to work out. Even if I did want to I would rather do something else more, like sleep, eat, watch TV.... We all have priorities we all make choices. So why isn't becoming emotionally healthy at the top of everyone's priority list?


One of the best quotes I ever heard was that offering someone therapy is like giving them an aluminum ladder out of hell. It is horrible where you are but to take and grab on to something that is going to burn you is hard to get yourself to do.


There are two major threats that therapy brings with it: What if it doesn't work, and perhaps scarier, What if it does work?


What if it doesn't work: People like to have a plan of last resort. Like a "do not break glass in case of emergency" plan and they are afraid if they use the worst case scenario plan and it does not work they will have nothing, no hope at all. Often they will tell themselves that they will go to therapy if it gets "bad enough." And in the meantime they wait and suffer, enduring more damage by the day, needlessly. If therapy doesn't work they might have spent time, money, and exposed themselves to some weirdo who might judge them, or tell them to change things in their life that they can't or don't want to change. Going to a therapist represents a much bigger risk than most people realize, until they think about going themselves.


What if it does work: People often grow to count on their negative coping skills. Many self injurers call their behavior "their best friend." Gamblers often enjoy gambling. If therapy works they may not be able to do this thing they have counted on anymore. Most people are successful in many areas of their lives and part of them may believe that if they lose their suffering they may lose the vital ingredient that made them successful in the first place. "If I wasn't anxious maybe I would become a fat lazy slob and let everything fall apart."


Another danger of counseling success is the fear of regret. If we have been suffering for a long time we convince ourselves there is no solution. If it turns out that there was a solution and we did not need to be suffering we feel like fools for having wasted so much time. Many people would honestly rather continue to suffer than feel the pain of regret.


The idea that anyone cannot find an hour a week to make their emotional health a priority is ridiculous. Even if you do not live near any therapist there are counselors and life coaches who will work with you over the phone or over the Internet.


If you can give counseling one work week, 40 hours, and you are working with a therapist who is a good fit for you, it will change your life for the better. 40 sessions may seem like a lot, (and you should know if the therapist is a good fit for you in 4 sessions) but ask yourself how many hours it took to get to feeling the way you are. 4000? 40,000? An investment of one work week is a small price to pay to potentially make a change that can transform your life and the lives of those who care about you.


You cannot force your wife to make time for counselling. But you can tell her that watching her continue to suffer is very painful for you, find a way to get all of her extra jobs covered for that hour window once a week, so that not having time can no longer be her excuse.