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Question: My friend was dating this guy and the day before Valentines Day he got murdered. What the hell am I supposed to say to her? I can't stand watching this person I care about in so much pain. I have no idea what she is going through so I don't know where to begin.
Answer: Show up, Shut up, and be available. The good news is there is nothing you can say right now that will fix things so there is no pressure to try and find the perfect words.
Part of the problem is the way you are viewing her grief. You mentioned your discomfort and watching her pain. Imagine if a doctor who needed to remove an appendix could not bear to inflict pain by cutting someone. Her suffering is terrible to see as it comes out, but how much worse would it be for her if it was kept in?
To take things a step further if you could take her pain away by making her forget this person that she cared about do you think she would want you to? Of course not. Nor, even if you could keep the positive memories and remove just this grief would she allow you to. Her pain is a memorial to this person who she cared for, to not feel it would seem to her like a betrayal to his memory.
All feelings have a function and grief is no exception to this rule. The pain of grief reminds of the value of people and attachments. So often we grieve not just for the loss of a person but the loss of their potential, what they could have accomplished, the memories we could have created with them. Grief gives urgency to our own lives and experiences and without the threat of loss we would just day dream through this world.
What if grief gets to be too much? It will, and when it does denial will step in, bargaining will step in, the body will turn her into an emotionless lump for a few hours, or she will suddenly be acting normal. This is the process, and there is nothing you need to do about it.
The real challenge, particularly in a murder, will not be in the first few days and weeks, but months from now when others have moved on with life and faded away. She will be ambushed by emotions as conversations, songs, movies, trigger her memories of him. Murders take the longest time to heal from because of the unfairness of the way the person died, and the corresponding anger that goes along with it.
What you can do in the short term is just spend time with her. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk, or if she just wants someone to go for a drive or watch tv with.
In the slightly longer term program some dates into your phone to make sure you check in with her on a random Wednesday night. Don't be afraid to bring up this loss and how she is feeling about it. While you may ruin her evening by bringing it to her attention you will also give her an avenue to let some feelings out that she might have felt too awkward to bring up.
In the long term Valentines Day may always be ruined for her, but you can help somewhat by at least in the first year or two checking in with her a few days before the anniversary to see if she wants to memorialize it in some way.
Give your friend your time and let her tell you what she needs from you, never be afraid to reach out because even a clumsy gesture is better than leaving a friend in isolation.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Heroin and my brother?
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Question: My 28 year old brother just moved back in with our folks. He and his girlfriend had been living together and she always seemed really shady. She wrote us a letter claiming she caught him using heroin. My brother claims she is lying, but admits he has been feeling depressed. My parents are immigrants from Yemen and in our culture mental health issues and substance abuse are just not something you talk about. I'm afraid to let my parents help my brother because he might steal from them and take advantage of them. I'm afraid if we don't get him in treatment he is going to end up like those homeless addicts you see on that show intervention. I don't even know where to start!
Answer: Get your brother the help he is willing to take, and wait to trust him until he's earned it. The great thing about your situation is your brother has admitted he has a problem. No, it's not the problem that you are most afraid of, but if you can get him in treatment for the depression we are on the right path.
Most cultures have no conception of how to deal with mental health issues so you and your parents are not alone. The good news is there are culturally competent mental health professionals in every community. That does not mean they will be of your culture, but they will be able to work with its values and not in the face of them.
Do not simply encourage your brother to find a therapist, take next step and generate a list of names for him. If you have no idea where to start try your family physician, your insurance company, or an Internet search. Whether your brother is depressed or dealing with addiction he is unlikely to find help without support.
To prevent your brother from taking advantage of your parents insist that for the time being they never give him money. If he has a bill that needs paying that is his problem. If he claims it will ruin his credit, or they will take his car, many people have survived far worse. If your parents are determined to rescue him from his mistakes encourage them to write checks directly to the creditors, or to pay them with a credit card.
Make an inventory of everything precious that could be stolen from your parents house and sold easily and lock it up somewhere he cannot get access to it. If his feelings are hurt, and he reacts with indignation inform him that he has your permission to treat you in the same way if you ever move back in with your folks, and there are unsubstantiated rumors that you have used highly addictive drugs. Tell him that you understand his anger, and you hope that in three months you will be apologizing.
Trust is something that is earned not given. You love your brother, but once addictions enter the picture you would be very foolish to trust him. Addicts lie. They will do anything to get their need met and so until you are absolutely certain that he is healthy, stable, and on his feet you are better safe than sorry.
Question: My 28 year old brother just moved back in with our folks. He and his girlfriend had been living together and she always seemed really shady. She wrote us a letter claiming she caught him using heroin. My brother claims she is lying, but admits he has been feeling depressed. My parents are immigrants from Yemen and in our culture mental health issues and substance abuse are just not something you talk about. I'm afraid to let my parents help my brother because he might steal from them and take advantage of them. I'm afraid if we don't get him in treatment he is going to end up like those homeless addicts you see on that show intervention. I don't even know where to start!
Answer: Get your brother the help he is willing to take, and wait to trust him until he's earned it. The great thing about your situation is your brother has admitted he has a problem. No, it's not the problem that you are most afraid of, but if you can get him in treatment for the depression we are on the right path.
Most cultures have no conception of how to deal with mental health issues so you and your parents are not alone. The good news is there are culturally competent mental health professionals in every community. That does not mean they will be of your culture, but they will be able to work with its values and not in the face of them.
Do not simply encourage your brother to find a therapist, take next step and generate a list of names for him. If you have no idea where to start try your family physician, your insurance company, or an Internet search. Whether your brother is depressed or dealing with addiction he is unlikely to find help without support.
To prevent your brother from taking advantage of your parents insist that for the time being they never give him money. If he has a bill that needs paying that is his problem. If he claims it will ruin his credit, or they will take his car, many people have survived far worse. If your parents are determined to rescue him from his mistakes encourage them to write checks directly to the creditors, or to pay them with a credit card.
Make an inventory of everything precious that could be stolen from your parents house and sold easily and lock it up somewhere he cannot get access to it. If his feelings are hurt, and he reacts with indignation inform him that he has your permission to treat you in the same way if you ever move back in with your folks, and there are unsubstantiated rumors that you have used highly addictive drugs. Tell him that you understand his anger, and you hope that in three months you will be apologizing.
Trust is something that is earned not given. You love your brother, but once addictions enter the picture you would be very foolish to trust him. Addicts lie. They will do anything to get their need met and so until you are absolutely certain that he is healthy, stable, and on his feet you are better safe than sorry.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Stuck in the Middle
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Question: My Mother and sister had a big argument about 6 months ago and haven't talked since. In that time my Mother has gone from an enthusiastic social drinker to a solitary daily drinker and when I confront her about it she tells me that I need to get my sister to come back into her life. How did I get stuck in the middle and how do I fix this?
Answer: The answer to your first question is that you bothered to ask the second? Unless you are some kind of Jedi master and can lift things with your mind, you cannot fix or change anyone but yourself.
Your Mother is probably quite honestly upset about the relationship, but she is the one who is choosing to do something destructive instead of something productive with her feelings.
I have heard enabling described as having the problems and feelings of others take up too big a portion of focus and energy while your own problems and feelings take up too small a portion. Every time you have acted as a bridge between your Mother and your Sister, you have been enabling them to continue in their dysfunctional relationship toward each other.
We all train people in how to treat us based on our responses to their actions. If you want to stop being in the middle then stop participating.
That does not mean you need to simply ignore your Mother's drinking or her sadness and tell her that she made her bed and she needs to lie in it. You can: offer her suggestions of how she can do something about it. You can: tell her how watching her drink and decline in her health effects her relationship with YOU. You can: offer her love and support and listen to her until it reaches a point where it becomes toxic for you to be around.
You cannot: fix this. You cannot: make the situation better by enabling her. You cannot: make her healthier by taking emotional responsibility for a situation you did not create.
Remember to never lend out anything you can't afford to be without. No matter how much you love your Mom or your Sister if you give them more energy than you can afford you will not be able to deal with the problems of your own life and you will end up resenting them both.
Love is not giving a person what they want it is giving them what they need. It sounds like you want to give your Mother a hug and a shoulder when what she might need is a kick in the ass.
Question: My Mother and sister had a big argument about 6 months ago and haven't talked since. In that time my Mother has gone from an enthusiastic social drinker to a solitary daily drinker and when I confront her about it she tells me that I need to get my sister to come back into her life. How did I get stuck in the middle and how do I fix this?
Answer: The answer to your first question is that you bothered to ask the second? Unless you are some kind of Jedi master and can lift things with your mind, you cannot fix or change anyone but yourself.
Your Mother is probably quite honestly upset about the relationship, but she is the one who is choosing to do something destructive instead of something productive with her feelings.
I have heard enabling described as having the problems and feelings of others take up too big a portion of focus and energy while your own problems and feelings take up too small a portion. Every time you have acted as a bridge between your Mother and your Sister, you have been enabling them to continue in their dysfunctional relationship toward each other.
We all train people in how to treat us based on our responses to their actions. If you want to stop being in the middle then stop participating.
That does not mean you need to simply ignore your Mother's drinking or her sadness and tell her that she made her bed and she needs to lie in it. You can: offer her suggestions of how she can do something about it. You can: tell her how watching her drink and decline in her health effects her relationship with YOU. You can: offer her love and support and listen to her until it reaches a point where it becomes toxic for you to be around.
You cannot: fix this. You cannot: make the situation better by enabling her. You cannot: make her healthier by taking emotional responsibility for a situation you did not create.
Remember to never lend out anything you can't afford to be without. No matter how much you love your Mom or your Sister if you give them more energy than you can afford you will not be able to deal with the problems of your own life and you will end up resenting them both.
Love is not giving a person what they want it is giving them what they need. It sounds like you want to give your Mother a hug and a shoulder when what she might need is a kick in the ass.
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