Dear Maigler: My boyfriend, well I guess now my ex-boyfriend, and I finally got together after 4 years of being friends but always having terrible timing. The first three months were great but I am going away to college in the fall and lately he has been very clingy. He can't stop saying I love you, even when I ask him to stop and it has been getting on my nerves. While I really feel like we will be together eventually I do not think it is realistic to think we will stay together all through college without dating anyone else. While we were on a trip to Wisconsin with friends we talked honestly about it and he flipped. He broke up with me and threatened to kill himself. We went home and now his friends, his parents (who I was really close with) and even my Mother are all blaming me. I tried to talk to him and he was an emotional wreck. His parents threatened to call the police if they saw me near his house again. What was I supposed to do lie to him? Am I responsible if he does something to himself? Is he just doing this for attention? None of this makes sense to me. I feel like I'm the one going crazy and everyone is making me out to be the bad guy. Help!
Thorougly Confused
Dear Confused:
You did nothing wrong. When something goes wrong people feel the need to blame someone. Your ex-boyfriend is in horrible emotional pain and the people who care about him feel the need to find a cause for it. The think if they can eliminate the cause (You) they can eliminate the pain and then he will be safe, problem solved. Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
It sounds like your boyfriend was pretty emotionally unhealthy. When anyone threatens to kill themselves ever we must always take it seriously. One of my biggest pet peves is when people minimize suicidal statements by saying "He is just saying that for attention." News flash for ya, if a person needs attention that badly and making comments about suicide is the only way they can figure out to get it, then there is something very wrong with them and we better give them some attention before they die.
Do people sometimes say things like "If you break up with me I'll kill myself" or "Sometimes you make me so mad I just have to drink" or "If you hang up the phone I'll cut myself and it will be all your fault." Sure they do. So how should we handle it? Just like the US government. We do not negotiate with terrorists! So what do we do? We say "Okay, I'm giving you one chance to ammend that statement and tell me what you really mean. If you are seriously in danger I'm going to call the police so they can take you to the hospital. Now, are you in danger of harming yourself." If they say yes call their bluff and call the cops. If they were "just doing it for attention" they will not pull that crap again on you. If they are serious then they need to be in a hospital.
I should ammend that. A person who self injurs or a person who threatens to drink does not necessarily need to be in a hospital but they have no right to try and imply that you are responsible for their actions. No one is responsible for any other person's actions. Ever!
Don't believe me? Try this experiment. Look at any object in the room with you right now. Try something small like a pencil. Now using nothing but your mind move it six inches to the right. Go ahead really try. Seriously. Did it work? No? Try again, really focus this time.... Still no luck huh? If you are from planet earth you cannot control anything outside of your self and anybody who tries to claim otherwise is trying to manipulate you.
We all want to be able to control things. Why? For the same reason we need to blame people when something goes wrong. We feel like if we can assign responsiblity for bad things we can avoid them in the future. If we can't that means bad things might be lurking around every corner. Unfortunately that is the truth. When that scary reality becomes too much to handle we make false little rules to order our universe and keep us safe. That process is natural and it only becomes a problem when it starts interfering with our relationships and our functioning. And see all this time you thought you didn't understand why people with OCD washed their hans 10,000 times a day. It all makes sense when you know the function of the behavior.
Back to you Confused, What should you do? Everyone has told you to stay away from the boyfriend and I don't hear you fighting that. What that tells me is you need at least a little time away from him anyway. People seek people at their same emotional level and it sounds like you are healthier than he is right now. Until one of you changes (and I hope it is him) it is not going to work. I hope he gets into some treatment soon. You can give him my card.
Should you have lied to him? I think you knew the answer to that question before you asked it. If you cannot be open in a relationship then you don't have trust. Love without trust is like a glove without a hand inside of it. There is no strength and no substance to a relationship without trust.
Your next step is to figure out what you want to happen. How you want things to go from here. I suggest you write it in a letter to him. Read it to a friend you trust to see how it might be misinterpreted and then edit it. Send the letter to him and tell him to contact you when he wants to and hopefully you guys will be together someday if that is the healthiest thing for you.
While you are waiting, mourn the loss of your relationship and try to do as much as you can to distract yourself. You are fortunate that summer time between senior year of high school and the start of college tends to be a busy time. That is certainly not to minimize your feelings. You do need to grieve like you would for any loss, but I'm sure that will be the topic of another blog. Hang in there confused, but please remember, this is not your fault!
Maigler
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