married to a cheater

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Question: My wife and I are separated and I have been trying my hardest to save our marriage. Recently I found out there is another guy. Is there any chance for us? How do marriages survive when someone cheats?

Answer: There is always a chance that any relationship can survive, but there is almost no chance this marriage will ever return to a healthy relationship filled with trust. The question is are you sure you still want it?

Infidelity is extremely common especially among men whose peers support it or who at least feel they will not ostracized in their community if they are caught. Many of these men have compartmentalized sex and love. They love their wife BUT: they have not been having sex in awhile, they don't want to ask their wife to do kinky things, they saw an opportunity they just could not pass up, they didn't think anyone would get hurt.... At the end of the day they rationalize it to say “it was just sex” and often “it will never happen again”

Men cheating is usually a response to external stimuli, paired with an internal ability to rationalize, women cheating is more often a response to an internal feeling and may often be in reaction to the relationship itself.

A woman is in a marriage and is feeling: bored, lonely, isolated, ignored, trapped, powerless, angry, unattractive, scorned... She remembers that when she used to feel this way she was able to change how she was feeling by... cutting her hair short. She tries that, it doesn't work, so she tries finding a new guy to fill her with life and energy. If she is mad at her husband it may have the added benefit pissing him off. It may also be her way of escaping from the relationship by blowing it up.

This does not imply it is the husband's fault for neglecting his wife's needs. She had the option of saying something and if that didn't work she had the option of leaving, she made the choice to deal with her feelings in this way.

The response depends upon your view of marriage. If you see your spouse as a partner for raising children, a travel buddy, and you don't really care who they share their genitals with, infidelity does not represent much of a threat, as long as they do not become too open and socially embarrass you.

We will call this the French position, where men having mistresses is more acceptable than not knowing a proper wine pairing. Your spouse is a partner like a business relationship, you can even be good pals, but sex and intimacy do not need to be a part of your partnership.

If however, your view of marriage is about closeness and intimacy, if you believe your partner is supposed to be your best friend, then your relationship is shattered and it is almost impossible to get that back. The problem is no matter how “legit” the excuse was for one partner cheating, you will never be able to trust that they won't do it again.

The cheater will also be suspicious of you because they will think you want revenge, and maybe you will. Now instead of an environment of love, support and trust the marriage has the feeling of a spy novel.

The hard part is when you still love the person. They f@#$%@ up and you get hurt and lose your marriage and your friendship. That sucks! What makes it even harder is wonderful people do really crappy things. So if you want to fix it and work at it you are not crazy and you are not stupid, but know it is going to be a long hard road and you need to seek marriage counseling to even have a chance.

Also know there is someone out there for you who would never be selfish enough to risk losing your love.