Does a 3rd divorce mean I'm a failure

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Question: I am currently separated from my husband and although we talk every day it looks like we are headed toward divorce. I feel like such a failure. I was married twice before but there was a long gap between my second marriage and this one and I never thought this would happen. I know the word that comes to mind when I hear someone has been divorced three times, LOSER. Is there any hope for me?

Answer: The difference between winners and losers in life has nothing to do with the number of times a person gets married or divorced. It has everything to do with how we define victory.

My father's cousin stayed in a horrible marriage for 54 years because she thought it was her duty. It wasn't until her children came to her and encouraged her to stop putting up with the abuse that she realized that just staying married was not serving anyone.

There is a strong possibility that some of the attitudes and behaviors that you bring to your marriages, and probably all your relationships have contributed to your divorces. That does not make you a failure if staying married to any of these men would have required you to be unhealthy or suppress your values.

I would suggest you ask yourself what all these men have in common, what the problems in your romantic relationships, and your friendships tend to revolve around, and see if you can find some common themes. If you can you may want to work on those issues in counseling (yes my answer to just about any question includes a recommendation to explore counseling).

Going forward you must ask yourself what you really want out of a romantic relationship. If the man you are dating cannot provide all the things that you want and you are not going to be satisfied, don't marry him. This may seem obvious but many people get caught up in the momentum of a relationship and they get married not because they are a good fit but because they feel that is what they "should" do if they have been dating for a certain amount of time and they don't want to break up.

We live in a society where people get married and divorced at a dizzying rate. Women no longer need to be married to be socially accepted and the pressure to stay in bad marriages is gone. What I find to be truly remarkable is not that 50% of marriages end in divorce but that 50% don't.

There is hope for you if you can find a man who truly fits your expectations as a marriage partner and both of you are honest about those expectations up front. There is success in your future if you can be proud of who you are and what you have done in life regardless of you marital status.