Sexpectations hurting relationship

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Question: I know my husband loves me but we don't make love, we have sex and often afterward I feel like I was used, like I'm just an object that he used to get off. I tried to explain it to him but he won't listen or maybe I can't find the right words. Am I just being too sensitive?

Answer: If you feel it, then it is real and it needs to be dealt with. If you try to ignore this you will grow less and less enthusiastic for sex and the energy will go out of this part of your relationship. That would be a terrible loss when some communication might be all it takes to correct this.

I once had a male client whose girlfriend taught him this lesson. They were in a long distance relationship and as soon as they got together the first thing he wanted to do was have sex. Although she loved him and missed him both emotionally and sexually this pressure on the sexual aspect turned her off and made her feel disconnected emotionally.

When she tried to explain this to him he wanted to dismiss it. He would plead and pressure saying things like, "You know I love you, can't you just do it for me, even if you aren't really into it right now?"

Finally one day she decided if she was going to be treated like an object that is how she would act and she just lay back completely still and expressionless, once they began having sex. He told me that when he realized how she was feeling through her actions he became repulsed and was physically nauseous.

While I don't recommend that you necessarily take these steps you may choose to tell this story so your husband might start to understand how important it is for you to feel like making love is done with you rather than to you if it is to improve in your relationship.

For most men this is a matter of ignorance not stupidity. If you can help your husband to understand that a little work on his part will lead to much more enthusiasm and enjoyment for you and much better sex for both of you he will very likely be on board.

The step which most women struggle with at this point of the conversation is to explain to their men exactly what it is that they should do differently. Women often feel that just explaining the concept should be enough to get men to change their behavior. This is the reasoning that comes from having an intuitive mind WHICH MEN DON'T HAVE!

As I have said before men are the reason why there are directions on the back of the shampoo bottle. That is how simply and directly you must break everything down if you want men to understand what you want and don't want.

It is not enough to say "I hate it when you..." although that is a necessary first step. What you might try instead is say "Honey what will really put me in the mood for intense connected sex sometime soon is if you could show some interest in ... for awhile instead of ..." If men see the pay off they will usually oblige and they will even defer instant gratification if they believe there will be greater pay off later.

Never second guess your feelings, they are there to tell you something even if you cannot explain the logic of them. Feelings don't have to obey logic, but that does not make them insubstantial any more than the wind is unreal because we cannot see it.

Men really want to please their romantic partners, this is one of the ways men like to define themselves. If you can help your husband to connect with you everybody wins, even if he never understands why there was a problem.