Did I raise my son to be angry?

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Question: My teen aged son goes into a rage at least once a week and I'm starting to be afraid of him. His Father has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, but I wonder if the way he acts is more because of my ex-boyfriend who he watched be aggressive and violent toward me for years. My son used to be so sensitive and sweet and now I'm afraid that what I've exposed him to will be violent toward women.

Answer: This is not your fault. Thousands of young boys are exposed to domestic violence and they never become violent toward anyone. No matter what someone has experienced or how overwhelming their emotions are nothing can justify violent and aggressive behavior.

What is true is that young men who are raised in a home where there has been domestic violence are 400% more likely to be aggressive toward women than men who were not. When I went to the 40 hour domestic violence training offered by A Safe Place, (http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/ ) this summer that statistic blew my mind.

In general about 1 in 4 women will experience intimate partner violence at some time in their life but only 1 in 28 men will be perpetrators. What that tells us is the same men are making the rounds and abusing large numbers of women.

No Mother wants their son to be "that guy". No young man grows up wanting to become an abuser, in fact most vow they never will and in the aftermath of violence most abusers are sincere when they claim they regret their actions and vow to never do it again.

At this point what can you do? Explain your fears to your son. Do not accuse him of being a potential abuse perpetrator, just tell him how you love him and you are starting to fear him. Tell him that the way you see it he either can control his anger, or he can't. If he can then he needs to be responsible for his actions and not let his rage control him. If he can't he needs to get into counseling and more than likely on some medication.

99.9% of violent acts could be controlled by the perpetrator (even if they are under the influence of drugs and alcohol) if they had a strong enough fear of the consequence. A great example used in perpetrator training is to ask if there is any circumstance, no matter how high or drunk a person was, if they would eat a dog turd on a bun. The men always say that it would never ever ever happen. Why not? Because even when we are inebriated we know what we are doing.

.01% of the time a person has truly lost control and would act out violently even if there was a gun to their head. This means the person has a mental health disorder and needs treatment (even if they are healthy and normal the vast majority of the time) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the most commonly correlated mental health issue to this problem.

Part of you wants to be at fault for the way your son is acting because then you would know who to blame, and I get the feeling you are used to blaming yourself for things. It is something you are comfortable with even though you hate it. Sorry, it is not his Father's genetics or your love life decisions that are responsible for your son's actions. It is all up to him. As a Mother all you can do at this point is tell him how is actions impact you and the relationship you have with him. I doubt he is happy acting this way and together hopefully you can find him some counseling to get him to move toward a healthy adulthood.