adoption open or closed?

Question: My wife and I are thinking of adopting but it seems so complicated. Is it better for kids to be from an open or closed adoption? While I think open sounds like the right thing I'm afraid the child would never feel like he or she was mine, just like they were on loan or something.

Answer: There is no right/wrong answer here so long as you are prepared to be a parent everyday for the rest of your life, love them unconditionally, and accept that there is a strong chance that your child will have emotional distress even if you are the perfect parent.

I have worked with just about every kind of adoption. Open, closed, grandparent adopting grandchild, kids from foreign lands from China to the Ukraine, there are as many different scenarios as there are children. What I have learned is no matter what kind of adoption or how loving the home, knowing that you have been given up for adoption leaves emotional scars and these kids are far more likely to need treatment for mental health issues than the population at large.

I think adoption is fantastic and if you want to adopt you should follow your impulse just don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to parent this child. Showing up and doing the best you can consistently is all we can ask of you.

For those who do not know some of these terms closed adoption is the traditional form where the child has no knowledge of or contact with their biological parents. At the age of 18 if the child wants and the parent is willing they can try to find each other. Pro's: the child only has one set of parents and they are more likely to assimilate more fully into the adoptive home. Also less chance that the Mother will back out last minute before the adoption occurs. Con's: The child has so many unanswered questions about why their parent gave them up and may internalize feelings of rejection. There also may be important family history or developmental/prenatal information that you have no access to. Example) was the infant substance exposed.

Open adoption is a process where the biological family stays involved in the life of the child to some degree. The amount of involvement is up to the adoptive family and the willingness of the biological parent to stay a part of the child's life. Pro's: the child can more fully process the reasons for the adoption and know useful and interesting information about the family of origin. Con's: Conflicts can arise between the adoptive and biological families about the amount of involvement. The child can feel even more rejected or resentful if the bio family does not choose to engage with them very often. The child may feel torn between two families.

Foreign adoption is a process that is increasingly common as there can be less of a wait time and there are so many children around the world in need of homes. Pro's: often less of a wait and less red tape. Con's: accurate information about the biological family is often sorely lacking. Many of these children are impacted by poor pre-natal care or deprivation of care in third world orphanages. The raising of children from another culture can lead to identity issues beyond adoption as the child grows older.

When a family realizes how complicated raising an adopted child can be they may want to shy away from the process altogether. I have found that adoptive parents often overcompensate and over indulge their children because they are so afraid that they might "screw up". Ironically the result of not giving these children consistent boundaries and the laid back love that most biological parents give their own children ends up increasing the child's insecurities.

At the end of the day whatever home you can give to a child you adopt will be better than where they were coming from if you fill it with love. There are consultants at organizations like The Cradle, which will be happy to help you determine which path is right for you and your family.

Parenting any child is not going to be easy, a child who is adopted adds an extra wrinkle but it is nothing you can't handle. If you and your wife are concerned about the complications of an open adoption then follow your instincts and no matter what happens if you let a child into your heart you may be exhausted but you will not be sorry.