Q: I am supposed to spend a week at my Mom's and a week at my Dad's but in the summer things get fuzzy and I find it really hard to go over to my Dad's. He has been out of work for about 9 months and he just sits around moping or complaining to me about my Mom or how I don't spend enough time with him. I feel terrible for him but I'm only 16 and I'm not sure what I can really do for him. Am I a terrible person for not spending more time with him and avoiding him?
A: It is the job of the parent to care for the child, not the job of the child to care for the parent. No matter how good a daughter or son you are at the end of your days God is not going to reward you with another chance to relive your childhood because you sacrificed it caring for him. The debt that you owe is to your own future children, to survive high school and and to have as much healthy normal teen aged fun along the way so that you are not resentful when it it time for you to make them your first priority.
That is not to say that you should ignore your Father or the custody arrangement that your parents have set up. Just remember that your father is dealing with a serious mental health issue and until he gets help for that no matter how much energy you steal from your own life and pour on his it is not going to be enough.
You could try writing him a letter and leaving it at his house laying out how you feel and your hope that he will seek help to improve his functioning and your relationship. While a move like this is always scary as we fear the defensive reaction that is likely to result, how much worse could that be than the current state of things.
Other things to try are to try to catch him doing something good. So often we can list all the negative things a person has done but we fail to catch them in their good moments and really reinforce those. In the times when you do have a good interaction with your Dad be sure to mention what you liked about dinner or that trip for ice cream.
You absolutely have the right to call him out when he makes comments about your mother by simply saying, "Dad I want to have a good relationship with you but when you bring Mom up it makes it hard to be around you. Let's talk about..."
If you have siblings and they are being similarly impacted sometimes writing a joint letter or even staging an intervention if he is not getting help for his depression can make a greater impact as you show a united front.
At the end of the day whether a parent has a mental health disorder, an addiction, or just an unfortunate personality you give to them what you hope your own child will give to you some day. While your parents are major figures in your life there are other people (including yourself) who need your energy and you cannot give away all your reserves and still be healthy.
When dealing with people who are truly draining, (sometimes we refer to these people as toxic as just being exposed to them can make us unhealthy) for every hour you spend with them you need to spend 3 hours with people who fill you. Do that and you will keep things in a healthy balance.
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