my 13 year old is smoking weed

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Question: Yesterday I came home to find my 13 year old son smoking weed behind the garage by himself. I started smoking weed at his age so I feel like a total hypocrite coming down on him, but I never smoked by myself. Is there anything I can do to prevent this or is this just what kids do?

Answer: Ultimately if your son is determined to smoke weed or run away or masturbate in public you can't stop him but there are a lot of things you can do before you throw your hands up and let him raise himself.

First the hypocrisy issue. Just because you are a hypocrite doesn't make you wrong. Hopefully you have stopped smoking weed at this stage of your life, but even if you haven't or if you drink alcohol your son may still call you a hypocrite. You still have the right to be worried about your son just as you would be if he was climbing a tall tree that you used to climb or taking the car out on a joy ride.

You want to explain to your son what your honest fears are. Don't try the DARE approach of scaring him, that doesn't work. Acknowledge that smoking weed will not kill him, but anything we start early in life is likely to become a habit. That is why we try so hard to get them to use assignment notebooks. If you have an illegal habit you are likely to eventually get caught and have consequences.

Your goal is not to have a debate and convince him, just to share your honest feelings. The research indicates that kids who choose not to use drugs and alcohol do so in large part because there is an adult in their life who would be very disappointed. Don't fake it but if you are disappointed express that. Screaming and yelling at him will probably only make the situation worse.

Try to find out from him as much as he is willing to tell you about why he smokes so that you can give him a better alternative. If he is just bored sign him up for karate or ballet, if he is feeling depressed or social anxiety get him into counseling. If it was just because his peer group started doing it and he figured "why not" you are going to give him consequences to help with that.

Kids who are in clubs, sports, activities drink and do drugs too, but they tend to do it at a lesser rate especially if their closest friends don't. The more your son is involved with something healthy he is passionate about the less likely that drugs will become his passion.

So step 1: Talk, tell him what your fears are. step 2: Listen, find out what you can about what he needs to make better choices. step 3: Encourage, him to start pouring energy into his passion. Step 4: Consequences, explain what the consequences of this decision are now and what they will be if it happens again.

As much as possible consequences should fit the crime. If he said he smoked weed because he was bored you can give him 3 weeks of heavy chores around the house and 20 hours of community service at a non-profit of his choice. Church, writing letters to soldiers, dog walking at an animal shelter, whatever.

If he did it for social reasons 3 weeks of no contact with that social group outside of school. You take his phone any time he does not need it, no Internet, he doesn't go out and if he wants to see friends it is at your house.

If he is depressed or anxious you get him to a doctor and there is no punishment.

Regardless of the reason you buy 6-10 drug tests. You can find them online or at some drug stores for about $40-60. If he has the money in his bank account I would suggest he pays for them. You tell him that for the next 6 months he will have random drug tests. If he is clean, which you expect he will be, things will go back to normal. If he gets a "dirty drop" he will again be highly restricted, you will be disappointed, and you will be looking into drug treatment.

Drug testing your son sounds like you don't trust him. Well you don't, and you shouldn't, but this is also a gift to him. By doing this you give him an honest excuse not to use when he is with his friends and they start to smoke.

Finally if it was my 13 year old son I would make an effort to try to get him to tell me who he got it from. If I found out I would make sure to call that kids parents and possibly the school and police as well. You do this for two reasons, first because as a parent you wish someone had called you, and second because you want to burn his connection to his source if you can. Sure he can always find another but we don't need to make that an easy process.

Be prepared however, that there is a good chance that he got it from someone in your own family, a neighbor, or someone else that you like. Good people often do drugs. This is what is messing with you and your son. Good people do a lot of things that can lead to consequences and it is your job as a parent to provide your son with consequences for risky choices until he is old enough that his judgement is sound on his own, or he is living independently and the choices are all his.

How do I kick my daughter out?

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Question: My husband and I are fighting constantly and it is always about my daughter. We are at an age where we thought we would be retired and on our own. Instead my adult son and his two children are living with us, as well as my adult daughter, and two large dogs, all in a tiny two bedroom house. We love our children and we know we have enabled them for too long. Now when we tell my daughter she needs to move out she claims there are no jobs to be had and just sleeps all day. I get filled with rage and take it out on my husband. If something doesn't change soon I'm afraid my husband or I will have a heart attack. What are we supposed to do?

Answer: Tell your daughter she needs to leave, give her what you think is a reasonable amount of lead time, and enforce the consequence WITHOUT ANGER.

Anger has a function. It is the emotional equivalent of pain. Both are designed to tell you that something is going wrong and if change doesn't happen damage will occur. Your anger is working properly but instead of listening to it you manage it by taking it out on your husband.

Often we feed our anger because we afraid that without it we will not have the strength to confront people and make change. It sounds like your anger allows you to confront but does not lead to change so if it isn't working we need to let it go and find something that will work.

Perhaps you have done your children a disservice by doing too much for them early in life. Often it is faster and easier to just fix/do things yourself rather than watch your children muddle through and screw it up. Even if this is the case do not allow your guilt to continue to destroy your life and theirs.

Some day you will die. Hopefully your children will out live you. At this point it is no longer about teaching life lessons, life will do that, it is triage and salvage of the time that is left. You must stop rescuing your children from situations that they will not be able to rescue themselves from after you are gone.

You are not doing this to prove a point, you are doing it because if you keep putting all your energy into your children's problems you will not have enough left for yourself and stress will take a terrible toll on your health.

Do not scream at your daughter or your husband. Tell her she has one month to find another place to stay. If she chooses to be homeless that is her right. She will always be able to get a meal from you and if she needs to stay with you for a couple days that option will be open as long as you are convinced that the situation is temporary because she has a reasonable plan that will lead her to her next dwelling.

You must be prepared to allow your daughter to sleep in her car or a homeless shelter for a few days because she will not believe that you will really do this until it has actually happened.

When you weaken and are about to take her back in ask yourself if you are doing it for her or to assuage your own guilt. If you are really doing it for her let her in, but if you are doing it so you don't feel guilty then that is when you will have truly failed her.

By doing this while you are still alive there is a chance that you can still give her some support (extra silverware, an old couch, a few meals) if she just stays with you until you die then what chance will she have of making it as an independent person?

So give your daughter a time line and offer to support her in looking for a job or a place (try Craig's list to find roommates). When she ignores you do not be surprised or angry but buy some boxes and prepare to pack up her things and change the locks on the day you have indicated. If she is really making effort to find a job and requests more time then you can consider it but if she has made no effort then you must enforce the consequence or she will continue to ignore you.

It does not matter if your children are 3 or 30 it is never easy to see them fall. At the same time experience is life's greatest teacher and to protect them from consequences is to deny them an education. Do not let your guilt destroy what should be golden years with your husband. Love your daughter and push her from the nest.

my boyfriend stole my car

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Question: My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a former meth addict. He had really turned his life around for quite awhile but the demons of having been sexually abused as a child keep haunting him. We go to the same university and live together. He does not have permission to use my car but the other night he took it when I was asleep, went out and got drunk and passed out in the car until the next day. Now he does not understand why I'm still mad about it, since the car wasn't damaged. I guess I'm mostly mad at myself for falling in love with yet another guy who is going to put substance use ahead of my feelings. I'm not stupid but since I keep falling for the same type of guy I just want to stick it out with one, especially one who really understands my old wounds like this one does. Help.

Answer: You have decide what you love more your boyfriend as a person or the fact that he needs you.

If you do not leave today get yourself a good therapist and tell him you will not have contact with him until he is in treatment one of three things will happen and you won't like any of them. 1.) he will get better and you will lose interest. 2.) He will get worse and drain you emotionally until this kills him or you finally drop him. 3.) He will continue living life as a "functioning" addict and you will continue with co-dependence and both your lives will have his addictions as the center of your life for years.

If he says he will change he is lying. If he could have changed he would have already. Do you think he really likes living this way. Addicts will lie, cheat, steal and MANIPULATE, because NOTHING in this world can stand in the way of their need.

So you can continue to love him but you cannot trust him. Ideally trust and love are like a hand and a glove. You can have trust without love and it is still pretty powerful, but when you have love without trust it is like an empty glove, it has substance but no strength.

If you decide to stay with him you should go to AA with him. Not just so you can make sure he goes but because I have a feeling you will benefit from seeing how his path turns out.

You also need to get a lot more support for yourself to break the pattern of relationships that has led you to "yet another" guy like this. It seems like part of you believes you can only be safe in a relationship where the guy needs you. Otherwise he will abandon you. Guess what? This plan isn't protecting you from that very well.

So many women do not seek help for co-dependence, domestic violence, sexual assault, etc... because they are intelligent, beautiful, powerful women and they are ashamed that they got into this situation. Don't let your shame be a prison for the rest of your life.

Grieving friend- what do I say?

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Question: My friend was dating this guy and the day before Valentines Day he got murdered. What the hell am I supposed to say to her? I can't stand watching this person I care about in so much pain. I have no idea what she is going through so I don't know where to begin.

Answer: Show up, Shut up, and be available. The good news is there is nothing you can say right now that will fix things so there is no pressure to try and find the perfect words.

Part of the problem is the way you are viewing her grief. You mentioned your discomfort and watching her pain. Imagine if a doctor who needed to remove an appendix could not bear to inflict pain by cutting someone. Her suffering is terrible to see as it comes out, but how much worse would it be for her if it was kept in?

To take things a step further if you could take her pain away by making her forget this person that she cared about do you think she would want you to? Of course not. Nor, even if you could keep the positive memories and remove just this grief would she allow you to. Her pain is a memorial to this person who she cared for, to not feel it would seem to her like a betrayal to his memory.

All feelings have a function and grief is no exception to this rule. The pain of grief reminds of the value of people and attachments. So often we grieve not just for the loss of a person but the loss of their potential, what they could have accomplished, the memories we could have created with them. Grief gives urgency to our own lives and experiences and without the threat of loss we would just day dream through this world.

What if grief gets to be too much? It will, and when it does denial will step in, bargaining will step in, the body will turn her into an emotionless lump for a few hours, or she will suddenly be acting normal. This is the process, and there is nothing you need to do about it.

The real challenge, particularly in a murder, will not be in the first few days and weeks, but months from now when others have moved on with life and faded away. She will be ambushed by emotions as conversations, songs, movies, trigger her memories of him. Murders take the longest time to heal from because of the unfairness of the way the person died, and the corresponding anger that goes along with it.

What you can do in the short term is just spend time with her. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk, or if she just wants someone to go for a drive or watch tv with.

In the slightly longer term program some dates into your phone to make sure you check in with her on a random Wednesday night. Don't be afraid to bring up this loss and how she is feeling about it. While you may ruin her evening by bringing it to her attention you will also give her an avenue to let some feelings out that she might have felt too awkward to bring up.

In the long term Valentines Day may always be ruined for her, but you can help somewhat by at least in the first year or two checking in with her a few days before the anniversary to see if she wants to memorialize it in some way.

Give your friend your time and let her tell you what she needs from you, never be afraid to reach out because even a clumsy gesture is better than leaving a friend in isolation.

Heroin and my brother?

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Question: My 28 year old brother just moved back in with our folks. He and his girlfriend had been living together and she always seemed really shady. She wrote us a letter claiming she caught him using heroin. My brother claims she is lying, but admits he has been feeling depressed. My parents are immigrants from Yemen and in our culture mental health issues and substance abuse are just not something you talk about. I'm afraid to let my parents help my brother because he might steal from them and take advantage of them. I'm afraid if we don't get him in treatment he is going to end up like those homeless addicts you see on that show intervention. I don't even know where to start!

Answer: Get your brother the help he is willing to take, and wait to trust him until he's earned it. The great thing about your situation is your brother has admitted he has a problem. No, it's not the problem that you are most afraid of, but if you can get him in treatment for the depression we are on the right path.

Most cultures have no conception of how to deal with mental health issues so you and your parents are not alone. The good news is there are culturally competent mental health professionals in every community. That does not mean they will be of your culture, but they will be able to work with its values and not in the face of them.

Do not simply encourage your brother to find a therapist, take next step and generate a list of names for him. If you have no idea where to start try your family physician, your insurance company, or an Internet search. Whether your brother is depressed or dealing with addiction he is unlikely to find help without support.

To prevent your brother from taking advantage of your parents insist that for the time being they never give him money. If he has a bill that needs paying that is his problem. If he claims it will ruin his credit, or they will take his car, many people have survived far worse. If your parents are determined to rescue him from his mistakes encourage them to write checks directly to the creditors, or to pay them with a credit card.

Make an inventory of everything precious that could be stolen from your parents house and sold easily and lock it up somewhere he cannot get access to it. If his feelings are hurt, and he reacts with indignation inform him that he has your permission to treat you in the same way if you ever move back in with your folks, and there are unsubstantiated rumors that you have used highly addictive drugs. Tell him that you understand his anger, and you hope that in three months you will be apologizing.

Trust is something that is earned not given. You love your brother, but once addictions enter the picture you would be very foolish to trust him. Addicts lie. They will do anything to get their need met and so until you are absolutely certain that he is healthy, stable, and on his feet you are better safe than sorry.

Stuck in the Middle

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Question: My Mother and sister had a big argument about 6 months ago and haven't talked since. In that time my Mother has gone from an enthusiastic social drinker to a solitary daily drinker and when I confront her about it she tells me that I need to get my sister to come back into her life. How did I get stuck in the middle and how do I fix this?

Answer: The answer to your first question is that you bothered to ask the second? Unless you are some kind of Jedi master and can lift things with your mind, you cannot fix or change anyone but yourself.

Your Mother is probably quite honestly upset about the relationship, but she is the one who is choosing to do something destructive instead of something productive with her feelings.

I have heard enabling described as having the problems and feelings of others take up too big a portion of focus and energy while your own problems and feelings take up too small a portion. Every time you have acted as a bridge between your Mother and your Sister, you have been enabling them to continue in their dysfunctional relationship toward each other.

We all train people in how to treat us based on our responses to their actions. If you want to stop being in the middle then stop participating.

That does not mean you need to simply ignore your Mother's drinking or her sadness and tell her that she made her bed and she needs to lie in it. You can: offer her suggestions of how she can do something about it. You can: tell her how watching her drink and decline in her health effects her relationship with YOU. You can: offer her love and support and listen to her until it reaches a point where it becomes toxic for you to be around.

You cannot: fix this. You cannot: make the situation better by enabling her. You cannot: make her healthier by taking emotional responsibility for a situation you did not create.

Remember to never lend out anything you can't afford to be without. No matter how much you love your Mom or your Sister if you give them more energy than you can afford you will not be able to deal with the problems of your own life and you will end up resenting them both.

Love is not giving a person what they want it is giving them what they need. It sounds like you want to give your Mother a hug and a shoulder when what she might need is a kick in the ass.

Don't tell me I have potential!

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Question: If my Mom tells me one more time how much "potential" I have I'm going to stab her in the face, okay not literally, but still! What if I don't care about getting straight A's? Why can't she just be happy with who I am and the things I do?

Answer: 99% of parents and teachers have no idea that the phrase "You have so much potential..." translates into "you are a lazy loser" in kid language.

If you ever become a parent you will discover that the first sensation that washes over you when they put that little wrinkly baby in your arms is a mixture of love and joy, and the second is a gigantic wave of fear to which the immediate response is the prayer "Please God don't let me screw this up!"

Nobody wants to be the caricature evil parent or teacher that says "you suck, you'll never amount to nothin!" We read in parenting books that you must encourage your children to believe that they can do anything, they can be president, and that you believe in them.

There is a flip side to every coin and the dark side of encouragement and belief is the feeling that love is conditional upon achievement. They fear that no matter how hard they try it will never be good enough, their parent will never be satisfied so why play the game? Why try to hit a moving target?

I'm guessing your Mom has no idea how close to a face stabbing she is getting with words that she thinks are designed to motivate you with love. If you want her to change it is not enough to tell her that you don't want her to say "you have so much potential" or she will just replace the word potential with "possibility" or "talent" and you will still end up feeling like she is saying you are not good enough.

More then tearing down her mistake you must explain to her what you want her to do instead. "Mom instead of telling me how much potential I have say...whatever her truth is" Unfortunately that truth might be more uncomfortable that the word potential. It might be her being candid about her fears that you will resent her later in life if she doesn't push you.

The key formula to learn when ever anyone says something that makes you uncomfortable is "Mom, when you say....... I feel...... If you want me to....... please say...... instead." I know it is kinda like emotional mad libs but it works.