Failed out, now what?!

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Question:  Freshman year did not go so hot and my college has stated I cannot return next year.  My parents and I agree that I should take a year off from school.  I want to take the rest of my life off and just go ski and coach, which are the only two things that really make me happy.  I live in the mid-west and the flatness and the weather here really depress me.  I just don't feel like school is for me, but I know it isn't practical to try to be a ski bum the rest of my life.  The very idea though of trying to return to a campus and study stuff I don't care about makes me feel overwhelmed and trapped.  I don't know where to go from here.  

Answer:  It sounds like you do know what you want, you are just asking for permission to do something you and your parents think is impractical.  Let me tell you what I think is impractical, spending four years and 160,000 on a business degree so you can pray to get a job that you don't really want and maybe save up enough money to go skiing 20 days a year (by the time you are 30).

When I was 22 a man asked me what I really wanted to do.  I told him I wanted to travel around and put on presentations about male socialization and violence.  He asked, "Why don't you?"  I thought no one would take me seriously.  I thought I needed a masters degree.  I still gave it a shot but I didn't go after it very hard because I didn't believe I was "qualified".

12 years later I have two masters degrees and the knowledge that no one is going to take me seriously because of those.  Now I do those presentations but I'm not as good at them as I would have been back then because I'm out of practice.

The best education in life IS LIFE.  If you have a dream job find someone who is actually doing it and offer to work for them for free for as many hours as you can possibly spare.  Someone is getting paid to do something that you would pay to do.  I talk to people and coach lacrosse for a living.  Both are things I would pay to do.  If you are passionate about what you do and there is a market for your service you can make a living.

The purpose of college is a sorting machine where the really rich and the really bright meet and partner up as friends, romantically, and for business.  You don't need college for that, you can skip that step and go meet the people who are already where you want to be and form relationships.  College is a great life experience but it is not essential unless you want to go into certain fields which require a special license or certification. 

Dan Miller, author of the book 48 days to the work you love hosts a free pod cast that you can download from itunes or from his website http://www.48days.net/ which gives people advice about how to pursue their dream using practical steps that you can show to your parents.  Use this year to meet people and soak up experience and you will find you get a lot more useful knowledge out of that than any college could have given you. 

When you are the one who has "failed out" it feels like you are all alone and everybody else has their stuff together.  Most of your peers are just going through the motions of going to college because that is what everyone expected.   Many of them will hit their identity crisis in 3 years as graduation looms and they still have no idea what they really want to do with their lives.

Your mission now is to fail forward.  This experience is an opportunity if you can learn from it and use that information to make a quality plan for your future.  When you are feeling overwhelmed take smaller bites and chew, we don't swallow life a year at a time we do it day by day. 

 

Can sex at 13 be consensual?

(I'm sorry I didn't have time to blog in May.  Keep the questions coming and I promise I will answer even if they don't make the blog).  

Question:  When I was 13 I had a crush on a 21 year old guy and he raped me.  Years later I ran into him and he said "You know you wanted it."  When I told my therapist about it she said, that even if I had wanted it (which I didn't) it still would have been rape.  It took me a long time, but I know that bastard raped me, but I don't know if I believe that a 13 year old can't have consensual sex. I think when I was 13 if I had been with a loving guy who had been patient and kind I could have had beautiful consensual sex, even if the guy had been older.  Is that possible? 

Answer:  No, it is not possible for a 13 year old to have consensual sex with anyone, even the nicest kindest person on the planet, even if he was 12, because consent implies having a real understanding about what you are agreeing to, and no 13 year old is mentally and emotionally prepared for sex, even if they have been having it for years. 

I want to be clear that I am not even talking about the legal issues.  Legally a 13 year old having sex is seven kinds of wrong, but I don't think most people make their sexual decisions about what the law says, I think/hope they decide based on a morality that is far stronger than law.

There have been millions of examples of 13 year olds having sex throughout history who did not feel violated and who have had no regret about the experience.  There have also been examples of 13 year olds fighting in wars and working in coal mines and successfully doing all kinds of things that they were really not ready for. 

If we asked 13 year olds if they wanted to and fight in Afghanistan and we made it seem as glamorous and adult as our media makes sex seem you wouldn't be able to sign them up fast enough.  I would have signed up at 13 and no matter how many gory war documentaries you made me watch I still would have wanted to go.  Does that mean I would have been able to consent?  No, because no matter how many hours I played Call of Duty, I still just don't get it. 

13 year old boys and girls will continue having sex, and in certain cultures it will be supported by adults.  In other countries and cultures this may not be considered illegal or immoral but it will never be the most healthy thing for that individual's development. 

In this country, however, no matter how much that boy or girl "wants it" and sometimes they really really do, we must do everything in our power to help them to wait.  Just as we would ask them to wait before driving, going to college, or fighting in a war.  Some of them could handle it and be fine, but when something goes wrong and we still have so much growing to do a trauma can stunt growth permanently. 

When someone more than two years older than a teen wants to connect intimately with them they are betraying signs that something is emotionally malformed within them.  Healthy adults are repelled by the idea of sex with someone who is not fully formed.  Unfortunately many younger teens, especially girls, find these emotionally stunted predators attractive because they feel like they have something in common with them.  They do, both people are not fully formed, but the teen still has a chance to grow, and the predator, is unlikely to ever grow into a healthy person. 

What if my boyfriend is addicted to porn?

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Question:  My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and lately it seems I am always the one who has to initiate sex or any kind cuddling or intimacy.  He is not the type to cheat, but over the years we have had several arguments about porn and although he swore he would stop using it, when I checked the Internet search history it was obvious he had been using it A LOT.   My friends tell me that most guys check out porn, but I feel like a 24 year old guy should still have enough energy left for his girlfriend.  To be honest I hate that he uses it at all, I feel like I should be enough for him, then when we are together and he doesn't stay "excited" I feel like a failure.  What am I supposed to do?  I've already asked him to stop using porn and he lied to me.  I love him but I feel like I'm in a fight I can't win.  Should I insist he go into counseling or I break up with him?  Help!

Answer:  I'm not sure if he is an addict but your boyfriend certainly has a porn problem.  A person has a problem with any issue (drinking, drugs, gambling, self injury, sex) when they persist in a behavior even after it has caused problems in their life functioning and/or relationships.  

Whether or not he is addicted getting rid of the porn is not going to fix your relationship because the real problem is communication, and until that is fixed neither of you are getting your sexual or intimacy needs met. 

I'm guessing that your boyfriend discovered porn long before the two of you met and it filled niche for him in his life.  It was a readily available, low cost/consequence way to find sexual release.  When you guys began to connect the excitement of the relationship was probably enough to gratify him, or maybe he continued using porn in conjunction with your relationship.  Regardless, most people in a new relationship are hesitant to share their sexual fantasies for fear of being rejected.  

Somewhere along the way you discovered his use of porn and you broadcast a message loud and clear that you were not okay with it.  An unintended consequence of this was that you probably caused him to feel shame and this led him to close off communication about his sexual needs and desires.   

Now the question becomes how can your boyfriend win?  If he has a desire for something outside the pattern of love making that you have developed he cannot express it without risking rejection.  If he seeks out porn for release he is lying to you and betraying you.  As the relationship continues the increased pressure he feels sounds like it is leading to some erectile dysfunction and the shame spiral just gets worse. 

As an added complication, some men who are porn/masturbation addicted can have a very hard time ejaculating without the familiar pressure that only they know how to provide. As much as vagina/mouth/anus of a partner might be infinitely more desirable to them in concept in real life the body may only respond to what it has grown accustomed to. 

The fix for this is simple.  Get curious.  You need to approach your boyfriend and in an open and non-judgemental way and explore with him what he was getting from the porn.  As long as it does not involve something illegal or immoral perhaps there is a way you can share some of his turn ons and stop having to view porn as a competitor.  Your boyfriend will probably be suspicious that this is some kind of trap and will be hesitant to share so it is likely you will have to provide him with some of your hidden desires first until he can really trust that it is okay to share.

Although most porn is sexist, misogynistic, insipid and of low quality, you might be able to find some movies that are not pornographic but still provide enough sexual tension to excite both of you.

One way to help take away the pressure on sex is to set a goal up front of making love without penetration.  There are a million ways to get each other off and if the activity involves sharing and connection then that is what making love is really all about.  People have sex with each other every day without any connection being shared, and that kind of mutual masturbation using each other's bodies is not likely to bring contentment back to your relationship. 

If after you try these things you feel that your boyfriend's use of porn is still a competitor and something that is getting in the way of the two of you feeling connection and intimacy, then don't give him an ultimatum, talk to him about it.  If he is willing to seek help support that, if he isn't it may be time for you to move on, but do not attempt to force him into anything as he has already shown that would just lead to lying and more mistrust. 

Ultimately your intimacy will be only as good as your communication.  Until you can establish that either of you can ask for anything (doesn't mean you will get it) without being judged there will be a barrier between you.  Seek to break down that barrier to communication and you may find that a lot of pleasant nights lay ahead. 

people treat me like I'm a joke

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Question: lately I feel like everybody takes me as a joke and never seriously.  My friends constantly make fun of me to the point where I don't wanna talk to them. If I ask my parents for help they either say suck it up or tell me something no where near relevant to what I need help with. If I ask anybody at my college to hang out they look at me like a weirdo even though we get along perfectly fine in class. I try to help other people out as much as I can to gain respect but I feel whatever pops out of my mouth nobody will listen, take seriously or just laugh at including teachers. It comes to the point where I hate people and don't feel like going out much. How can I get people to take me seriously?

Answer:  People will take you seriously in direct proportion to your own confidence.  When you feel a lack of confidence it is common to have that dream where you are in a fight with someone and you land punches but your hands are as light as feathers and they do nothing.  It sounds like that is how you are feeling right now.

It sounds like you are suffering from anhedonia, a common symptom of depression where you cease to enjoy things that you once really enjoyed.  Based on the amount of stress you seem to be suffering from it would not be surprising if you were feeling some clinical depression and you may benefit from medication and most certainly from more counseling.  I would encourage you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to get evaluated for medication and try to find a therapist you can relate to. 

Your situation is disturbingly common right now.  I was just talking with a friend this morning about how we feel for people your age, job prospects stink and the existential angst that people tend to feel in their early 20's and mid 40's is falling on the back drop of a world which does not seem to be offering a lot of hope right now.  It will get better, but right now you need some support. 

You have to remind yourself that you do have something to offer.  I'm not into aura's and crystals and a lot of new age healing, but I do feel like people can sense confidence and desperation in others.  When someone is sneezing and coughing all over themselves we move away from them because we have a natural instinct to avoid illness.  When people are emotionally unhealthy and are feeling crappy others tend to avoid them as well so right when you need connection most it is the hardest to find and hold on to. 

You have to start doing something that fills you up and makes you feel good about you.  I would suggest volunteer work with disabled kids.  No one can leave doing that without feeling great about their lives and the parents and kids really appreciate the time you put in.

If you ask a person in your class if they want to help volunteer at an event like this they just think you are altruistic and nice and even if they don't want to attend they don't think you are a creeper.  You will meet people at these events and this may lead to other social outlets.

I would also try to get a job at a restaurant, even busing tables at a tgi fridays, is a good place to meet other young people.  You work with them on Friday and Saturday nights and so even if you don't go out after you feel like you did something and there are a lot of people in their early to late 20's who work in restaurants.  You just need to be careful to avoid the drug scene in a lot of restaurants. 

The other thing is you have to develop a plan for your future that you really like.  This is often the hardest thing to do when you are feeling down.  It doesn't matter so much what the career is but imagine all the other parts of your life. Do you want to live in the city or the suburbs?  In Chicago or in the mountains?  Everytime you meet an adult imagine yourself trying on their life and steal pieces of each life that you like until you have a vision of what you want for your future from the kind of marriage and dog you will own, to the way you will organize your garage.

The first step to achieving success is defining it in concrete terms that you can work toward.  It is always up to you to change your vision of success if you want to but having a destination in mind helps keep you motivated when life around you sucks.

What does it mean to be a man? A message to my family.

There is no question for this one, just me on my soap box. 

I am part of a coalition called Up 2 Us that strives to get men more involved in standing up against domestic violence and sexual assault.  Our mission is to get men to see these not as women's problems but as human problems that impact all of us. 

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=204132927681&ref=ts

http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm

We give presentations where we try to accomplish 3 things.  1.) get people to question what they have learned about what it means to be a man and create a new definition for themselves that they really believe in.  2.) become an ally to those who step outside the box of typical man hood by refusing to participate in mocking them and by openly supporting them.  3.) interrupt violence be it physical or verbal (jokes, comments, harassment) when ever it is safe to do so.  

Because of my involvement with Up 2 Us I have been asked to participate in a documentary intended for students about to start college.  I thought I would point out to my audience that most guys would be willing to fight a room full of rapists if they were told one of those guys might hurt a woman they loved.  If however, those same guys were to asked to have a conversation with 10 of their male friends and relatives about rape and about manhood, none of them would do it. 

Sounds crazy.  One should be so much easier than the other.  Why is it so hard for us to talk to the men in our lives when we know that the only real way to protect the women we love is to make a change in the men who surround them.  The sad fact is most rapes are not committed by strangers.  Men we like, our buddies, can assault someone and claim they didn't know any better, they were drunk, or some other lame excuse.  

But before I could get too frustrated with any one else I asked, "why haven't I done it."  I have two nephews in college and three that will be there soon.  Johnny, Joey, Brendan, Kevin, Brian this post is for you.  I want to talk to you about what it means to be a man, and what it doesn't mean. 

Being a man, being a Maigler, is about hard work, taking care of your responsibilities, being dependable, and putting the needs of others ahead of yourself.   If you can do those things you are a man in my eyes and I'm proud to have you share my name.

Being a man has nothing to do with sex, or fighting, or how much food you can eat or booze you can drink. Being a man is not about proving anything to anyone but yourself.  You do not need to control a woman, you do not need to always be right, you can let yourself be disrespected and not fight that guy if he isn't worth your time (and none of them are). 

I love you boys and I want to protect you from the mistakes that I have made.  I never want any woman to regret that she met you.  I know that feeling and what I've done to earn it, and if I can spare you from it I want to.  I want you to realize that sex without intimacy is nothing more than mutual masturbation and you are better off without it. 

As I look above at my definition of a man I realize that any woman I admire could live those words too.  I think maybe we should worry less about earning the title of manhood and worry more about becoming a responsible adult and a decent human being and the rest will take care of itself.

I hope to talk to you boys more about these things in person.  I will ask everyone sees this blog to do the same.  Ask yourself what kind of men you want the boys in your life to grow up to be, what kind of men you want the girls in your life to be surrounded by.  Then have a conversation with those boys and girls about it so maybe, just maybe, you can save them from the pain of regret that life has taught us all so bitterly. 

More violence is done out of ignorance than malice.  We can chase that ignorance from this earth if we acknowledge that it is Up 2 Us. 

Eating Disorders program for my son?

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Question:  Last week my son informed his therapist that he has an eating disorder and he thinks he needs to go into a treatment program.  My husband and I were shocked, my son is thin but he is a runner and he looks normal compared to most of the boys.  We want to get our son the best care possible but we have had difficulty even getting calls back from some of the local eating disorders programs, and they all seem to be geared for girls.  Should we be looking for a specialized program for boys and men?  Is this the kind of thing where he is going to need to leave school for a month or can he be treated a couple times a week with a therapist?  We just don't know where to start.   

Answer:  The ideal treatment program does not exist.  It does not matter what issue you are dealing with, from eating disorders to anxiety to addiction, since every person has such individual circumstances, strengths, and symptoms there will never be a perfect fit.  I would love to tell you about a great program for boys and men with eating issues, and there are probably a couple but if they are out of state or a zillion dollars you may be better off focusing on factors other than gender in finding the right fit for your son.  

So start by doing your homework on the web and try to find someone in the field to talk to who does not have a financial interest in which program you pick.  National Eating Disorders is a non-profit that can provide resources (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/).  Another track is to call an nationally renown program like McCallum Place in Missouri (http://www.mccallumplace.com/) and ask them if they have any recommendations for your area.

After you have a rank list of the local programs contact your insurance company and see what they cover.  While it might sound cold to pick a treatment option based on what insurance will pay for, eating disorders, like any addiction, often take more than one stint in treatment to crack.  If you go bankrupt, which can honestly happen, you won't be able to provide your son with any treatment and his condition may worsen if he feels like he is causing a great deal of financial stress to the family.  Often insurance companies want to make sure you have tried some less intensive interventions first, like out patient therapy with an eating disorders specialist, before they are willing to pop for a 30-60 day stay in a treatment facility.

To be frank insurance companies HATE eating disorders because they represent a huge financial drain which can last for decades.  This has led them to create barriers to paying for treatment which have led to the closure of a number of programs and reduction in staff at others.  You may not be getting a phone call or an e-mail back right away for some of these reasons but if you don't get a good feeling when you actually do talk to someone try to go on to the next program.  Families really need to partner with treatment providers to make sure that any gains can be sustained when a person leaves treatment. 

Some factors that impact the severity and course of treatment for an eating disorder are the amount of time the person has had the eating disorder, how much of the persons time and thought is devoted to food and eating, how much shame and guilt is associated with food.

There is a difference between an eating disorder and disordered eating.  Disordered eating are the behaviors that a person with an eating disorder might display (restricting, binging, purging, hyper exercise after eating...) without the emotional obsession with food.  A person with an eating disorder may still obsess about everything they put in their mouth even during periods where they have no disordered eating behaviors.

A large percentage of people with eating disorders may also have another issue that needs treatment and may shift between negative coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions.  We often see a triangle with Eating disorders at one point, self injury at another, and risk taking behaviors (ex.) drugs and alcohol, unprotected sex, shoplifting, unsafe driving...) at the third.  People may shift from one point to another as they try to convince themselves that they don't have a problem.

The key to treatment for eating disorders is to find another way to get the emotional relief that the disordered eating behaviors have provided in the past.  Eating disorders are the hardest addiction to successfully treat because the abstinence model is impossible.  You can stop drinking, gambling, self injuring, etc... but you cannot stop eating and not eating. 

Treatment programs will first work to develop healthier coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions and then go back and find out how the eating developed so if there is an old trauma that needs healing it can be dealt with instead of just covered over by new and better coping skills.

It is hard to say what your son will need without more information but I can tell you that his prognosis is excellent just because he has stated he is willing to get help. 

Your son is likely to get well no matter which treatment program he goes to if he really wants to move on.  All the programs work if the clients work with the program.  Be prepared that he may have issues with food for the rest of his life but he is fully capable of moving on to a life that is so full of good things that eating issues seem like a thing of the distant past.

Can I be gay for just one person?

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Question:  About 18 months ago my friend and I hooked up when we were drunk.  I have always been straight and while I might have kissed another girl at a party to raise an eyebrow and I've always been huge into cuddling with female friends when watching movies or hanging out, there was never anything sexual about it, at least for me.  For the next year my friend and I would hook up on and off, but it was like I had this wall in my mind that this wasn't me, and it was just a game for both of us while we waited to find Mr. Right.  I know it doesn't sound like it from this question but I am a deeply religious person and my church believes homosexuality is a choice and a sin, so I've felt a lot of guilt about the whole thing.  Over the last couple months something has really changed for me.  I'm still attracted to guys and I've never been sexually attracted to another girl, but now I don't want anyone else... God I'm having a hard time even writing this but I think I'm in love with her.  Does this mean I've been lying to myself my whole life?  All those times when I was in high school cuddling with a friend was that really early signs of me being gay, or something?  I've never really believed in bi-sexuality I always just thought those were broken people just looking for anyone to screw or to get attention and now that this is happening to me I feel like my world is upside down.  Can a person be gay for just one person?  I don't know what to do my family and her family would never accept us and I would lose all the people I love from my church.  What if I tell her how I feel and she doesn't feel the same way back?  Help!

Answer:  Feelings are not rational do not try to make them behave that way.  You love this girl so yes, you can be gay for just one person.  It sounds like if you had not been indoctrinated and taught that certain things were wrong and sinful you would have no question in your mind that this is true.  It also sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you that this is impossible so you won't have to risk being rejected, which is a fear greater than losing your church and your identity. 

Alfred Kinsey helped the modern world open the door to the notion that it is normal for human sexuality to go way beyond a man and a woman.  In the ancient world this was so widely accepted that even Emperors would openly take lovers of the same sex.

Our obsession with putting labels on things in an attempt to classify and understand generally works for about 90% of any category but there are always exceptions.  Mammals don't lay eggs except for the platypus.  There are 300 million people in America so even if only 1% were something other than fully hetero-sexual (and the number is probably closer to 15%) that would be 3 million people.  That's a lot of exceptions, don't be shocked if you are one of them.     

The bible generally makes the argument that any sex that is not between two married people trying to create a child is wrong.  Accordingly, if you think you are going to hell for having sex with a girl but having sex with a guy outside of marriage is okay then you weren't listening to your church to begin with.

A great recipe for driving yourself crazy is deciding how the world should be and trying to conform your life and your feelings to fit that.  Not gonna work.  If you want to make it through life without having a breakdown try listening to your feelings instead of trying to control them.  If you love this girl go after her, if she doesn't love you back or if she breaks your heart join the rest of us who have taken our shot at greatness and fallen short.

Just because you fell in love with one woman it does not make you bi-sexual.  You may love just this one girl and love nothing but men for the rest of your life because that is all you are drawn to.  You may fall in love with nothing but women for the rest of your life but still choose to take a male lover and a husband because that is how you want to live.  Whatever you do is fine if you are living your life honestly with yourself and your partners and you stop trying to bend the facts to fit the philosophy.  Good luck and go get her.