This is not a typical blog it is a statement from me and a plea for help.
I am passionate about stopping domestic violence, sexual assault, hate crimes, and all needless violence. Toward this end I work with an organization called Up to Us - Men's Initiative: http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm
We believe that we can do something about these issues if instead of focusing on the concepts we focus on one man at a time, get him to commit to not being violent, and convince him to talk to his friends.
Our group focuses on men because 95% of violent crimes are committed by men and yet most of the work on this issue up to this point has involved women talking to women.
That is important work but it is time for men to step up, and it is exciting because if we do we can stop the abuse from happening.
More than 1 in every 4 women will be involved in a relationship with domestic violence, 1 in 5 will be sexually assaulted, but 1 in 38 men will become a domestic violence abuser. Do the math the same guys are hurting multiple women, and if we can help them to change we can save so many women from violence.
This is not an economic or racial issue, this happens in every community; rich guys do it, police officers do it, "nice guys" hit their wives.
Today I'm asking you to spread the word about groups like Up to Us - Men's Initiative, Men can stop rape, and others. More importantly I'm asking you to have a conversation with the men in your life about this issue. That is all. Let's talk about what everyone is afraid to look at.
Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis said "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Please shine the light on this issue with the people you love and hopefully it will begin to shrivel and die. If we can save just one person, isn't it worth the time and effort?
We believe that these issues are as old and pervasive as civilization itself, but they don't have to be. Slavery was once accepted in every nation on the planet. Now in the places where it exists it is known to be shameful and we are trying to stamp it out of existence. We can get there with domestic violence, but it is UP to US.
Friday, April 30, 2010
What if I don't feel guilty?
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Question: You said in one of your posts that "guilt has a function, it keeps us from screwing people over." Well, what if I don't feel guilty? I was dating this guy and he fell in love with me and I broke his heart and I thought I would feel really bad because I knew things were heading that way, but I don't. What does that say about me?
Answer: If you do a bad thing and you don't feel guilty you have either 1.) learned to rationalize and justify your behavior in your own mind, 2.) possibly the thing you did was the best choice you could have made in the situation, 3.) you are a sociopath, 4.) some combo of the previous three.
Guilt, like any emotion, is not a good thing or a bad thing it is a response to the stimuli of your environment. In this way emotions are the same as our senses of touch, taste, smell, etc... If you were to say to me "my baby had a dirty diaper but I couldn't smell it, what does that say about me?" As an isolated event, nothing, if it happens all the time you either have an amazing baby or a poor sense of smell.
The fact that you are even questioning if you should feel more guilty suggests that you are not a sociopath or any other personality disorder (borderline, narcissist, etc..) because you are questioning your own behavior and your impact on others. Your acknowledgement that you don't feel as much guilt as you think you should suggests you have felt guilt in the past and this is less intense.
Guilt falls on a spectrum, it is not like you either have it or you don't. The anger spectrum can go from mild irritation all the way to rage. Similarly the guilt spectrum ranges from mild regret to a paralysis of shame and self loathing.
Guilt is about what you have done, shame is about who you are. It sounds like you do have some guilt, or at least mild regret, that this guy got hurt. You kinda wish you could have avoided that but but it isn't eating you up inside. Ok, works for me.
If this becomes a pattern of behavior for you, where you put your needs ahead of the needs of others and you feel just dandy about it, that would suggest your guilt has stopped functioning the way it should and you will end up having crappy-selfish-one sided relationships if you don't do some work on it.
Some people seek to justify selfish behavior by saying "I'm just an asshole" or "I'm just a bitch" as if they are frozen that way and others just need to accept it. 99% of us are selfish at times but if we can consider the needs of others some of the time then we do not have to act like jerks. We can rationalize guilt away all we want but ultimately there is a direct relationship between selfish behavior and unhappiness.
None of us like feeling guilty but without guilt in the appropriate amount for the situation we will end up very lonely. Personally I would rather have the guilt.
Question: You said in one of your posts that "guilt has a function, it keeps us from screwing people over." Well, what if I don't feel guilty? I was dating this guy and he fell in love with me and I broke his heart and I thought I would feel really bad because I knew things were heading that way, but I don't. What does that say about me?
Answer: If you do a bad thing and you don't feel guilty you have either 1.) learned to rationalize and justify your behavior in your own mind, 2.) possibly the thing you did was the best choice you could have made in the situation, 3.) you are a sociopath, 4.) some combo of the previous three.
Guilt, like any emotion, is not a good thing or a bad thing it is a response to the stimuli of your environment. In this way emotions are the same as our senses of touch, taste, smell, etc... If you were to say to me "my baby had a dirty diaper but I couldn't smell it, what does that say about me?" As an isolated event, nothing, if it happens all the time you either have an amazing baby or a poor sense of smell.
The fact that you are even questioning if you should feel more guilty suggests that you are not a sociopath or any other personality disorder (borderline, narcissist, etc..) because you are questioning your own behavior and your impact on others. Your acknowledgement that you don't feel as much guilt as you think you should suggests you have felt guilt in the past and this is less intense.
Guilt falls on a spectrum, it is not like you either have it or you don't. The anger spectrum can go from mild irritation all the way to rage. Similarly the guilt spectrum ranges from mild regret to a paralysis of shame and self loathing.
Guilt is about what you have done, shame is about who you are. It sounds like you do have some guilt, or at least mild regret, that this guy got hurt. You kinda wish you could have avoided that but but it isn't eating you up inside. Ok, works for me.
If this becomes a pattern of behavior for you, where you put your needs ahead of the needs of others and you feel just dandy about it, that would suggest your guilt has stopped functioning the way it should and you will end up having crappy-selfish-one sided relationships if you don't do some work on it.
Some people seek to justify selfish behavior by saying "I'm just an asshole" or "I'm just a bitch" as if they are frozen that way and others just need to accept it. 99% of us are selfish at times but if we can consider the needs of others some of the time then we do not have to act like jerks. We can rationalize guilt away all we want but ultimately there is a direct relationship between selfish behavior and unhappiness.
None of us like feeling guilty but without guilt in the appropriate amount for the situation we will end up very lonely. Personally I would rather have the guilt.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
sexting consequences
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Question: My daughter is a freshman in high school. A boy convinced her to send him a topless picture of herself and now it has been sent all over the school. I heard about it from a neighbor and while I haven't seen the picture, and am petrified that somehow I will, I just know that this is true. She developed early and so girls have labeled her a slut since middle school and I know it eats her up inside. Why would she do this? How can I help her if she won't even tell me what is going on? How can I send her back to that school if all these kids have seen her this way?
Answer: 3 steps. Step 1: You tell her that you heard a rumor about her and you don't care if it is true or not but either way you love her and you are there to support her. Step 2: you hold her close and you tell her that everything is going to be just fine. Step 3: You help her fill her time with something that she is confident in and makes her feel good to help build her self esteem and wait for the storm to pass.
There are constantly rumors floating around every high school. Many are false, some are true. No one really knows which is which. Even if the picture is her, she can always claim someone put her face on another body, and maybe that is actually what happened.
Think about when you go to the supermarket and see the tabloids in the check out line. You absorb the rumors about the celebrities but do you really care? Does it change your opinion of that person? Usually not. In general if we like a person we choose to believe the rumors about them are false or could be explained. If we don't like them we believe every nasty thing we hear.
Your daughter's situation at school will not change very much. The people who thought she was a slut are going to have one more piece of ammunition. The kids that like her will base their opinion of her on their own experience, some will even be kinder to her because they feel bad for her situation.
Why would she do this? Why do girls flash their breasts for girls gone wild videos? Why do they pose in Maxim or pornographic magazines? Why do they become exotic dancers? Because admiration for one's appearance feels good.
If we did not pair the display of the naked female form with shame, and couple it with destructive male fantasies about sex and submission, then every woman who was proud of her appearance might display it.
Everyone knew your daughter had breasts, now they know what they look like. While your daughter is probably horrified, if there was a part of her that was also proud would that make her a terrible person? I don't think so.
The problem is the judgement and harassment she will face and if she continued down this path it could prevent her from forming relationships with healthy friends and romantic partners who might not want be associated with drama and poor decision making.
The fix for this is to try to give her something other than the shape of her body to be proud of so she can display that and get affirmation that does not come back to bite her. Even if she becomes a nationally known accordion player to some people she will always be "the girl with the boobs picture". That is part of her identity. Over time hopefully it becomes a smaller and smaller part.
The way you react to this situation will play a critical role for your future relationship with your daughter and her self esteem. It is your goal to convince her that your love is unconditional and even when you are disappointed in her actions you are always proud that she is your daughter. If she believes that she may have the confidence to hold her head high and move forward. If she doesn't you troubles have just begun.
Question: My daughter is a freshman in high school. A boy convinced her to send him a topless picture of herself and now it has been sent all over the school. I heard about it from a neighbor and while I haven't seen the picture, and am petrified that somehow I will, I just know that this is true. She developed early and so girls have labeled her a slut since middle school and I know it eats her up inside. Why would she do this? How can I help her if she won't even tell me what is going on? How can I send her back to that school if all these kids have seen her this way?
Answer: 3 steps. Step 1: You tell her that you heard a rumor about her and you don't care if it is true or not but either way you love her and you are there to support her. Step 2: you hold her close and you tell her that everything is going to be just fine. Step 3: You help her fill her time with something that she is confident in and makes her feel good to help build her self esteem and wait for the storm to pass.
There are constantly rumors floating around every high school. Many are false, some are true. No one really knows which is which. Even if the picture is her, she can always claim someone put her face on another body, and maybe that is actually what happened.
Think about when you go to the supermarket and see the tabloids in the check out line. You absorb the rumors about the celebrities but do you really care? Does it change your opinion of that person? Usually not. In general if we like a person we choose to believe the rumors about them are false or could be explained. If we don't like them we believe every nasty thing we hear.
Your daughter's situation at school will not change very much. The people who thought she was a slut are going to have one more piece of ammunition. The kids that like her will base their opinion of her on their own experience, some will even be kinder to her because they feel bad for her situation.
Why would she do this? Why do girls flash their breasts for girls gone wild videos? Why do they pose in Maxim or pornographic magazines? Why do they become exotic dancers? Because admiration for one's appearance feels good.
If we did not pair the display of the naked female form with shame, and couple it with destructive male fantasies about sex and submission, then every woman who was proud of her appearance might display it.
Everyone knew your daughter had breasts, now they know what they look like. While your daughter is probably horrified, if there was a part of her that was also proud would that make her a terrible person? I don't think so.
The problem is the judgement and harassment she will face and if she continued down this path it could prevent her from forming relationships with healthy friends and romantic partners who might not want be associated with drama and poor decision making.
The fix for this is to try to give her something other than the shape of her body to be proud of so she can display that and get affirmation that does not come back to bite her. Even if she becomes a nationally known accordion player to some people she will always be "the girl with the boobs picture". That is part of her identity. Over time hopefully it becomes a smaller and smaller part.
The way you react to this situation will play a critical role for your future relationship with your daughter and her self esteem. It is your goal to convince her that your love is unconditional and even when you are disappointed in her actions you are always proud that she is your daughter. If she believes that she may have the confidence to hold her head high and move forward. If she doesn't you troubles have just begun.
Monday, March 29, 2010
For the sake of the vacation
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Question: I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for two years. When things are good they are fantastic, he makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in the universe. When things are not good, which is most of the time, he treats me like I'm a moron and he finds ways to bring up all the mistakes I've made in the past, over and over and over. We've broken up several times but when we are apart all I can think of are the good times and I fear I will never find that with anyone else. We are supposed to go on vacation next week with his family, a trip we have been planning for months. I know I need to break up with him but as bad as this sounds I think I'm partially staying with him because I don't want to ruin this vacation for everyone. Am I as pathetic as that sounds?
Answer: If you have put up with this crap for two years you've earned a vacation, go for it, enjoy yourself and then demand something better.
Here is the danger. There is always a vacation, a death in the family, a big test coming up, an excuse for why now is not the time to end this toxic relationship.
There are two possibilities either this relationship has a chance or it doesn't. If it is to have a chance then you have to start demanding better treatment or you must be willing walk away. If you are not honestly willing to leave he will never change.
We all have lines that we would never allow to be crossed. Right now you say, "If he ever put a gun to my head or slept with my sister I would break up with him in a heart beat." So why are those things deal breakers but him treating you like a moron gets a pass.
What we tolerate we teach, what we permit we promote. We train people on how to treat us and right now you are telling him that you think these things are okay. He may never become violent with you but these are the patterns of a domestic violence relationship.
Before you break up with him, if you want it to stick this time, you have to be ready to fill the void he will leave in your life with other things. We cannot take something away without replacing it with something else.
Sign up for an art or dance class, get a friend who will support this decision to be your "sponsor" so you can call her in the middle of the night when you are feeling like going back to him and she can remind you that you deserve to be treated like a partner not an underling.
So, begin the process of getting these potential supports in place. Go on the vacation, and when you get back start demanding respect. If he doesn't give it to you immediately you do not have to walk out, but tell him you expect an apology and do not talk to him until you get one. If he breaks up with you for this he has just done you a huge favor.
In the meantime wear your sun screen and come back from vacation feeling great and confident and hopefully you will find a man who is ready to treat you well has been waiting for his chance to be in your life.
Question: I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for two years. When things are good they are fantastic, he makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in the universe. When things are not good, which is most of the time, he treats me like I'm a moron and he finds ways to bring up all the mistakes I've made in the past, over and over and over. We've broken up several times but when we are apart all I can think of are the good times and I fear I will never find that with anyone else. We are supposed to go on vacation next week with his family, a trip we have been planning for months. I know I need to break up with him but as bad as this sounds I think I'm partially staying with him because I don't want to ruin this vacation for everyone. Am I as pathetic as that sounds?
Answer: If you have put up with this crap for two years you've earned a vacation, go for it, enjoy yourself and then demand something better.
Here is the danger. There is always a vacation, a death in the family, a big test coming up, an excuse for why now is not the time to end this toxic relationship.
There are two possibilities either this relationship has a chance or it doesn't. If it is to have a chance then you have to start demanding better treatment or you must be willing walk away. If you are not honestly willing to leave he will never change.
We all have lines that we would never allow to be crossed. Right now you say, "If he ever put a gun to my head or slept with my sister I would break up with him in a heart beat." So why are those things deal breakers but him treating you like a moron gets a pass.
What we tolerate we teach, what we permit we promote. We train people on how to treat us and right now you are telling him that you think these things are okay. He may never become violent with you but these are the patterns of a domestic violence relationship.
Before you break up with him, if you want it to stick this time, you have to be ready to fill the void he will leave in your life with other things. We cannot take something away without replacing it with something else.
Sign up for an art or dance class, get a friend who will support this decision to be your "sponsor" so you can call her in the middle of the night when you are feeling like going back to him and she can remind you that you deserve to be treated like a partner not an underling.
So, begin the process of getting these potential supports in place. Go on the vacation, and when you get back start demanding respect. If he doesn't give it to you immediately you do not have to walk out, but tell him you expect an apology and do not talk to him until you get one. If he breaks up with you for this he has just done you a huge favor.
In the meantime wear your sun screen and come back from vacation feeling great and confident and hopefully you will find a man who is ready to treat you well has been waiting for his chance to be in your life.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
my 13 year old is smoking weed
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Question: Yesterday I came home to find my 13 year old son smoking weed behind the garage by himself. I started smoking weed at his age so I feel like a total hypocrite coming down on him, but I never smoked by myself. Is there anything I can do to prevent this or is this just what kids do?
Answer: Ultimately if your son is determined to smoke weed or run away or masturbate in public you can't stop him but there are a lot of things you can do before you throw your hands up and let him raise himself.
First the hypocrisy issue. Just because you are a hypocrite doesn't make you wrong. Hopefully you have stopped smoking weed at this stage of your life, but even if you haven't or if you drink alcohol your son may still call you a hypocrite. You still have the right to be worried about your son just as you would be if he was climbing a tall tree that you used to climb or taking the car out on a joy ride.
You want to explain to your son what your honest fears are. Don't try the DARE approach of scaring him, that doesn't work. Acknowledge that smoking weed will not kill him, but anything we start early in life is likely to become a habit. That is why we try so hard to get them to use assignment notebooks. If you have an illegal habit you are likely to eventually get caught and have consequences.
Your goal is not to have a debate and convince him, just to share your honest feelings. The research indicates that kids who choose not to use drugs and alcohol do so in large part because there is an adult in their life who would be very disappointed. Don't fake it but if you are disappointed express that. Screaming and yelling at him will probably only make the situation worse.
Try to find out from him as much as he is willing to tell you about why he smokes so that you can give him a better alternative. If he is just bored sign him up for karate or ballet, if he is feeling depressed or social anxiety get him into counseling. If it was just because his peer group started doing it and he figured "why not" you are going to give him consequences to help with that.
Kids who are in clubs, sports, activities drink and do drugs too, but they tend to do it at a lesser rate especially if their closest friends don't. The more your son is involved with something healthy he is passionate about the less likely that drugs will become his passion.
So step 1: Talk, tell him what your fears are. step 2: Listen, find out what you can about what he needs to make better choices. step 3: Encourage, him to start pouring energy into his passion. Step 4: Consequences, explain what the consequences of this decision are now and what they will be if it happens again.
As much as possible consequences should fit the crime. If he said he smoked weed because he was bored you can give him 3 weeks of heavy chores around the house and 20 hours of community service at a non-profit of his choice. Church, writing letters to soldiers, dog walking at an animal shelter, whatever.
If he did it for social reasons 3 weeks of no contact with that social group outside of school. You take his phone any time he does not need it, no Internet, he doesn't go out and if he wants to see friends it is at your house.
If he is depressed or anxious you get him to a doctor and there is no punishment.
Regardless of the reason you buy 6-10 drug tests. You can find them online or at some drug stores for about $40-60. If he has the money in his bank account I would suggest he pays for them. You tell him that for the next 6 months he will have random drug tests. If he is clean, which you expect he will be, things will go back to normal. If he gets a "dirty drop" he will again be highly restricted, you will be disappointed, and you will be looking into drug treatment.
Drug testing your son sounds like you don't trust him. Well you don't, and you shouldn't, but this is also a gift to him. By doing this you give him an honest excuse not to use when he is with his friends and they start to smoke.
Finally if it was my 13 year old son I would make an effort to try to get him to tell me who he got it from. If I found out I would make sure to call that kids parents and possibly the school and police as well. You do this for two reasons, first because as a parent you wish someone had called you, and second because you want to burn his connection to his source if you can. Sure he can always find another but we don't need to make that an easy process.
Be prepared however, that there is a good chance that he got it from someone in your own family, a neighbor, or someone else that you like. Good people often do drugs. This is what is messing with you and your son. Good people do a lot of things that can lead to consequences and it is your job as a parent to provide your son with consequences for risky choices until he is old enough that his judgement is sound on his own, or he is living independently and the choices are all his.
Question: Yesterday I came home to find my 13 year old son smoking weed behind the garage by himself. I started smoking weed at his age so I feel like a total hypocrite coming down on him, but I never smoked by myself. Is there anything I can do to prevent this or is this just what kids do?
Answer: Ultimately if your son is determined to smoke weed or run away or masturbate in public you can't stop him but there are a lot of things you can do before you throw your hands up and let him raise himself.
First the hypocrisy issue. Just because you are a hypocrite doesn't make you wrong. Hopefully you have stopped smoking weed at this stage of your life, but even if you haven't or if you drink alcohol your son may still call you a hypocrite. You still have the right to be worried about your son just as you would be if he was climbing a tall tree that you used to climb or taking the car out on a joy ride.
You want to explain to your son what your honest fears are. Don't try the DARE approach of scaring him, that doesn't work. Acknowledge that smoking weed will not kill him, but anything we start early in life is likely to become a habit. That is why we try so hard to get them to use assignment notebooks. If you have an illegal habit you are likely to eventually get caught and have consequences.
Your goal is not to have a debate and convince him, just to share your honest feelings. The research indicates that kids who choose not to use drugs and alcohol do so in large part because there is an adult in their life who would be very disappointed. Don't fake it but if you are disappointed express that. Screaming and yelling at him will probably only make the situation worse.
Try to find out from him as much as he is willing to tell you about why he smokes so that you can give him a better alternative. If he is just bored sign him up for karate or ballet, if he is feeling depressed or social anxiety get him into counseling. If it was just because his peer group started doing it and he figured "why not" you are going to give him consequences to help with that.
Kids who are in clubs, sports, activities drink and do drugs too, but they tend to do it at a lesser rate especially if their closest friends don't. The more your son is involved with something healthy he is passionate about the less likely that drugs will become his passion.
So step 1: Talk, tell him what your fears are. step 2: Listen, find out what you can about what he needs to make better choices. step 3: Encourage, him to start pouring energy into his passion. Step 4: Consequences, explain what the consequences of this decision are now and what they will be if it happens again.
As much as possible consequences should fit the crime. If he said he smoked weed because he was bored you can give him 3 weeks of heavy chores around the house and 20 hours of community service at a non-profit of his choice. Church, writing letters to soldiers, dog walking at an animal shelter, whatever.
If he did it for social reasons 3 weeks of no contact with that social group outside of school. You take his phone any time he does not need it, no Internet, he doesn't go out and if he wants to see friends it is at your house.
If he is depressed or anxious you get him to a doctor and there is no punishment.
Regardless of the reason you buy 6-10 drug tests. You can find them online or at some drug stores for about $40-60. If he has the money in his bank account I would suggest he pays for them. You tell him that for the next 6 months he will have random drug tests. If he is clean, which you expect he will be, things will go back to normal. If he gets a "dirty drop" he will again be highly restricted, you will be disappointed, and you will be looking into drug treatment.
Drug testing your son sounds like you don't trust him. Well you don't, and you shouldn't, but this is also a gift to him. By doing this you give him an honest excuse not to use when he is with his friends and they start to smoke.
Finally if it was my 13 year old son I would make an effort to try to get him to tell me who he got it from. If I found out I would make sure to call that kids parents and possibly the school and police as well. You do this for two reasons, first because as a parent you wish someone had called you, and second because you want to burn his connection to his source if you can. Sure he can always find another but we don't need to make that an easy process.
Be prepared however, that there is a good chance that he got it from someone in your own family, a neighbor, or someone else that you like. Good people often do drugs. This is what is messing with you and your son. Good people do a lot of things that can lead to consequences and it is your job as a parent to provide your son with consequences for risky choices until he is old enough that his judgement is sound on his own, or he is living independently and the choices are all his.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
How do I kick my daughter out?
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Question: My husband and I are fighting constantly and it is always about my daughter. We are at an age where we thought we would be retired and on our own. Instead my adult son and his two children are living with us, as well as my adult daughter, and two large dogs, all in a tiny two bedroom house. We love our children and we know we have enabled them for too long. Now when we tell my daughter she needs to move out she claims there are no jobs to be had and just sleeps all day. I get filled with rage and take it out on my husband. If something doesn't change soon I'm afraid my husband or I will have a heart attack. What are we supposed to do?
Answer: Tell your daughter she needs to leave, give her what you think is a reasonable amount of lead time, and enforce the consequence WITHOUT ANGER.
Anger has a function. It is the emotional equivalent of pain. Both are designed to tell you that something is going wrong and if change doesn't happen damage will occur. Your anger is working properly but instead of listening to it you manage it by taking it out on your husband.
Often we feed our anger because we afraid that without it we will not have the strength to confront people and make change. It sounds like your anger allows you to confront but does not lead to change so if it isn't working we need to let it go and find something that will work.
Perhaps you have done your children a disservice by doing too much for them early in life. Often it is faster and easier to just fix/do things yourself rather than watch your children muddle through and screw it up. Even if this is the case do not allow your guilt to continue to destroy your life and theirs.
Some day you will die. Hopefully your children will out live you. At this point it is no longer about teaching life lessons, life will do that, it is triage and salvage of the time that is left. You must stop rescuing your children from situations that they will not be able to rescue themselves from after you are gone.
You are not doing this to prove a point, you are doing it because if you keep putting all your energy into your children's problems you will not have enough left for yourself and stress will take a terrible toll on your health.
Do not scream at your daughter or your husband. Tell her she has one month to find another place to stay. If she chooses to be homeless that is her right. She will always be able to get a meal from you and if she needs to stay with you for a couple days that option will be open as long as you are convinced that the situation is temporary because she has a reasonable plan that will lead her to her next dwelling.
You must be prepared to allow your daughter to sleep in her car or a homeless shelter for a few days because she will not believe that you will really do this until it has actually happened.
When you weaken and are about to take her back in ask yourself if you are doing it for her or to assuage your own guilt. If you are really doing it for her let her in, but if you are doing it so you don't feel guilty then that is when you will have truly failed her.
By doing this while you are still alive there is a chance that you can still give her some support (extra silverware, an old couch, a few meals) if she just stays with you until you die then what chance will she have of making it as an independent person?
So give your daughter a time line and offer to support her in looking for a job or a place (try Craig's list to find roommates). When she ignores you do not be surprised or angry but buy some boxes and prepare to pack up her things and change the locks on the day you have indicated. If she is really making effort to find a job and requests more time then you can consider it but if she has made no effort then you must enforce the consequence or she will continue to ignore you.
It does not matter if your children are 3 or 30 it is never easy to see them fall. At the same time experience is life's greatest teacher and to protect them from consequences is to deny them an education. Do not let your guilt destroy what should be golden years with your husband. Love your daughter and push her from the nest.
Question: My husband and I are fighting constantly and it is always about my daughter. We are at an age where we thought we would be retired and on our own. Instead my adult son and his two children are living with us, as well as my adult daughter, and two large dogs, all in a tiny two bedroom house. We love our children and we know we have enabled them for too long. Now when we tell my daughter she needs to move out she claims there are no jobs to be had and just sleeps all day. I get filled with rage and take it out on my husband. If something doesn't change soon I'm afraid my husband or I will have a heart attack. What are we supposed to do?
Answer: Tell your daughter she needs to leave, give her what you think is a reasonable amount of lead time, and enforce the consequence WITHOUT ANGER.
Anger has a function. It is the emotional equivalent of pain. Both are designed to tell you that something is going wrong and if change doesn't happen damage will occur. Your anger is working properly but instead of listening to it you manage it by taking it out on your husband.
Often we feed our anger because we afraid that without it we will not have the strength to confront people and make change. It sounds like your anger allows you to confront but does not lead to change so if it isn't working we need to let it go and find something that will work.
Perhaps you have done your children a disservice by doing too much for them early in life. Often it is faster and easier to just fix/do things yourself rather than watch your children muddle through and screw it up. Even if this is the case do not allow your guilt to continue to destroy your life and theirs.
Some day you will die. Hopefully your children will out live you. At this point it is no longer about teaching life lessons, life will do that, it is triage and salvage of the time that is left. You must stop rescuing your children from situations that they will not be able to rescue themselves from after you are gone.
You are not doing this to prove a point, you are doing it because if you keep putting all your energy into your children's problems you will not have enough left for yourself and stress will take a terrible toll on your health.
Do not scream at your daughter or your husband. Tell her she has one month to find another place to stay. If she chooses to be homeless that is her right. She will always be able to get a meal from you and if she needs to stay with you for a couple days that option will be open as long as you are convinced that the situation is temporary because she has a reasonable plan that will lead her to her next dwelling.
You must be prepared to allow your daughter to sleep in her car or a homeless shelter for a few days because she will not believe that you will really do this until it has actually happened.
When you weaken and are about to take her back in ask yourself if you are doing it for her or to assuage your own guilt. If you are really doing it for her let her in, but if you are doing it so you don't feel guilty then that is when you will have truly failed her.
By doing this while you are still alive there is a chance that you can still give her some support (extra silverware, an old couch, a few meals) if she just stays with you until you die then what chance will she have of making it as an independent person?
So give your daughter a time line and offer to support her in looking for a job or a place (try Craig's list to find roommates). When she ignores you do not be surprised or angry but buy some boxes and prepare to pack up her things and change the locks on the day you have indicated. If she is really making effort to find a job and requests more time then you can consider it but if she has made no effort then you must enforce the consequence or she will continue to ignore you.
It does not matter if your children are 3 or 30 it is never easy to see them fall. At the same time experience is life's greatest teacher and to protect them from consequences is to deny them an education. Do not let your guilt destroy what should be golden years with your husband. Love your daughter and push her from the nest.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
my boyfriend stole my car
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Question: My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a former meth addict. He had really turned his life around for quite awhile but the demons of having been sexually abused as a child keep haunting him. We go to the same university and live together. He does not have permission to use my car but the other night he took it when I was asleep, went out and got drunk and passed out in the car until the next day. Now he does not understand why I'm still mad about it, since the car wasn't damaged. I guess I'm mostly mad at myself for falling in love with yet another guy who is going to put substance use ahead of my feelings. I'm not stupid but since I keep falling for the same type of guy I just want to stick it out with one, especially one who really understands my old wounds like this one does. Help.
Answer: You have decide what you love more your boyfriend as a person or the fact that he needs you.
If you do not leave today get yourself a good therapist and tell him you will not have contact with him until he is in treatment one of three things will happen and you won't like any of them. 1.) he will get better and you will lose interest. 2.) He will get worse and drain you emotionally until this kills him or you finally drop him. 3.) He will continue living life as a "functioning" addict and you will continue with co-dependence and both your lives will have his addictions as the center of your life for years.
If he says he will change he is lying. If he could have changed he would have already. Do you think he really likes living this way. Addicts will lie, cheat, steal and MANIPULATE, because NOTHING in this world can stand in the way of their need.
So you can continue to love him but you cannot trust him. Ideally trust and love are like a hand and a glove. You can have trust without love and it is still pretty powerful, but when you have love without trust it is like an empty glove, it has substance but no strength.
If you decide to stay with him you should go to AA with him. Not just so you can make sure he goes but because I have a feeling you will benefit from seeing how his path turns out.
You also need to get a lot more support for yourself to break the pattern of relationships that has led you to "yet another" guy like this. It seems like part of you believes you can only be safe in a relationship where the guy needs you. Otherwise he will abandon you. Guess what? This plan isn't protecting you from that very well.
So many women do not seek help for co-dependence, domestic violence, sexual assault, etc... because they are intelligent, beautiful, powerful women and they are ashamed that they got into this situation. Don't let your shame be a prison for the rest of your life.
Question: My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a former meth addict. He had really turned his life around for quite awhile but the demons of having been sexually abused as a child keep haunting him. We go to the same university and live together. He does not have permission to use my car but the other night he took it when I was asleep, went out and got drunk and passed out in the car until the next day. Now he does not understand why I'm still mad about it, since the car wasn't damaged. I guess I'm mostly mad at myself for falling in love with yet another guy who is going to put substance use ahead of my feelings. I'm not stupid but since I keep falling for the same type of guy I just want to stick it out with one, especially one who really understands my old wounds like this one does. Help.
Answer: You have decide what you love more your boyfriend as a person or the fact that he needs you.
If you do not leave today get yourself a good therapist and tell him you will not have contact with him until he is in treatment one of three things will happen and you won't like any of them. 1.) he will get better and you will lose interest. 2.) He will get worse and drain you emotionally until this kills him or you finally drop him. 3.) He will continue living life as a "functioning" addict and you will continue with co-dependence and both your lives will have his addictions as the center of your life for years.
If he says he will change he is lying. If he could have changed he would have already. Do you think he really likes living this way. Addicts will lie, cheat, steal and MANIPULATE, because NOTHING in this world can stand in the way of their need.
So you can continue to love him but you cannot trust him. Ideally trust and love are like a hand and a glove. You can have trust without love and it is still pretty powerful, but when you have love without trust it is like an empty glove, it has substance but no strength.
If you decide to stay with him you should go to AA with him. Not just so you can make sure he goes but because I have a feeling you will benefit from seeing how his path turns out.
You also need to get a lot more support for yourself to break the pattern of relationships that has led you to "yet another" guy like this. It seems like part of you believes you can only be safe in a relationship where the guy needs you. Otherwise he will abandon you. Guess what? This plan isn't protecting you from that very well.
So many women do not seek help for co-dependence, domestic violence, sexual assault, etc... because they are intelligent, beautiful, powerful women and they are ashamed that they got into this situation. Don't let your shame be a prison for the rest of your life.
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