my 13 year old is smoking weed

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Question: Yesterday I came home to find my 13 year old son smoking weed behind the garage by himself. I started smoking weed at his age so I feel like a total hypocrite coming down on him, but I never smoked by myself. Is there anything I can do to prevent this or is this just what kids do?

Answer: Ultimately if your son is determined to smoke weed or run away or masturbate in public you can't stop him but there are a lot of things you can do before you throw your hands up and let him raise himself.

First the hypocrisy issue. Just because you are a hypocrite doesn't make you wrong. Hopefully you have stopped smoking weed at this stage of your life, but even if you haven't or if you drink alcohol your son may still call you a hypocrite. You still have the right to be worried about your son just as you would be if he was climbing a tall tree that you used to climb or taking the car out on a joy ride.

You want to explain to your son what your honest fears are. Don't try the DARE approach of scaring him, that doesn't work. Acknowledge that smoking weed will not kill him, but anything we start early in life is likely to become a habit. That is why we try so hard to get them to use assignment notebooks. If you have an illegal habit you are likely to eventually get caught and have consequences.

Your goal is not to have a debate and convince him, just to share your honest feelings. The research indicates that kids who choose not to use drugs and alcohol do so in large part because there is an adult in their life who would be very disappointed. Don't fake it but if you are disappointed express that. Screaming and yelling at him will probably only make the situation worse.

Try to find out from him as much as he is willing to tell you about why he smokes so that you can give him a better alternative. If he is just bored sign him up for karate or ballet, if he is feeling depressed or social anxiety get him into counseling. If it was just because his peer group started doing it and he figured "why not" you are going to give him consequences to help with that.

Kids who are in clubs, sports, activities drink and do drugs too, but they tend to do it at a lesser rate especially if their closest friends don't. The more your son is involved with something healthy he is passionate about the less likely that drugs will become his passion.

So step 1: Talk, tell him what your fears are. step 2: Listen, find out what you can about what he needs to make better choices. step 3: Encourage, him to start pouring energy into his passion. Step 4: Consequences, explain what the consequences of this decision are now and what they will be if it happens again.

As much as possible consequences should fit the crime. If he said he smoked weed because he was bored you can give him 3 weeks of heavy chores around the house and 20 hours of community service at a non-profit of his choice. Church, writing letters to soldiers, dog walking at an animal shelter, whatever.

If he did it for social reasons 3 weeks of no contact with that social group outside of school. You take his phone any time he does not need it, no Internet, he doesn't go out and if he wants to see friends it is at your house.

If he is depressed or anxious you get him to a doctor and there is no punishment.

Regardless of the reason you buy 6-10 drug tests. You can find them online or at some drug stores for about $40-60. If he has the money in his bank account I would suggest he pays for them. You tell him that for the next 6 months he will have random drug tests. If he is clean, which you expect he will be, things will go back to normal. If he gets a "dirty drop" he will again be highly restricted, you will be disappointed, and you will be looking into drug treatment.

Drug testing your son sounds like you don't trust him. Well you don't, and you shouldn't, but this is also a gift to him. By doing this you give him an honest excuse not to use when he is with his friends and they start to smoke.

Finally if it was my 13 year old son I would make an effort to try to get him to tell me who he got it from. If I found out I would make sure to call that kids parents and possibly the school and police as well. You do this for two reasons, first because as a parent you wish someone had called you, and second because you want to burn his connection to his source if you can. Sure he can always find another but we don't need to make that an easy process.

Be prepared however, that there is a good chance that he got it from someone in your own family, a neighbor, or someone else that you like. Good people often do drugs. This is what is messing with you and your son. Good people do a lot of things that can lead to consequences and it is your job as a parent to provide your son with consequences for risky choices until he is old enough that his judgement is sound on his own, or he is living independently and the choices are all his.