How do I kick my daughter out?

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Question: My husband and I are fighting constantly and it is always about my daughter. We are at an age where we thought we would be retired and on our own. Instead my adult son and his two children are living with us, as well as my adult daughter, and two large dogs, all in a tiny two bedroom house. We love our children and we know we have enabled them for too long. Now when we tell my daughter she needs to move out she claims there are no jobs to be had and just sleeps all day. I get filled with rage and take it out on my husband. If something doesn't change soon I'm afraid my husband or I will have a heart attack. What are we supposed to do?

Answer: Tell your daughter she needs to leave, give her what you think is a reasonable amount of lead time, and enforce the consequence WITHOUT ANGER.

Anger has a function. It is the emotional equivalent of pain. Both are designed to tell you that something is going wrong and if change doesn't happen damage will occur. Your anger is working properly but instead of listening to it you manage it by taking it out on your husband.

Often we feed our anger because we afraid that without it we will not have the strength to confront people and make change. It sounds like your anger allows you to confront but does not lead to change so if it isn't working we need to let it go and find something that will work.

Perhaps you have done your children a disservice by doing too much for them early in life. Often it is faster and easier to just fix/do things yourself rather than watch your children muddle through and screw it up. Even if this is the case do not allow your guilt to continue to destroy your life and theirs.

Some day you will die. Hopefully your children will out live you. At this point it is no longer about teaching life lessons, life will do that, it is triage and salvage of the time that is left. You must stop rescuing your children from situations that they will not be able to rescue themselves from after you are gone.

You are not doing this to prove a point, you are doing it because if you keep putting all your energy into your children's problems you will not have enough left for yourself and stress will take a terrible toll on your health.

Do not scream at your daughter or your husband. Tell her she has one month to find another place to stay. If she chooses to be homeless that is her right. She will always be able to get a meal from you and if she needs to stay with you for a couple days that option will be open as long as you are convinced that the situation is temporary because she has a reasonable plan that will lead her to her next dwelling.

You must be prepared to allow your daughter to sleep in her car or a homeless shelter for a few days because she will not believe that you will really do this until it has actually happened.

When you weaken and are about to take her back in ask yourself if you are doing it for her or to assuage your own guilt. If you are really doing it for her let her in, but if you are doing it so you don't feel guilty then that is when you will have truly failed her.

By doing this while you are still alive there is a chance that you can still give her some support (extra silverware, an old couch, a few meals) if she just stays with you until you die then what chance will she have of making it as an independent person?

So give your daughter a time line and offer to support her in looking for a job or a place (try Craig's list to find roommates). When she ignores you do not be surprised or angry but buy some boxes and prepare to pack up her things and change the locks on the day you have indicated. If she is really making effort to find a job and requests more time then you can consider it but if she has made no effort then you must enforce the consequence or she will continue to ignore you.

It does not matter if your children are 3 or 30 it is never easy to see them fall. At the same time experience is life's greatest teacher and to protect them from consequences is to deny them an education. Do not let your guilt destroy what should be golden years with your husband. Love your daughter and push her from the nest.