For the sake of the vacation

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Question: I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for two years. When things are good they are fantastic, he makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in the universe. When things are not good, which is most of the time, he treats me like I'm a moron and he finds ways to bring up all the mistakes I've made in the past, over and over and over. We've broken up several times but when we are apart all I can think of are the good times and I fear I will never find that with anyone else. We are supposed to go on vacation next week with his family, a trip we have been planning for months. I know I need to break up with him but as bad as this sounds I think I'm partially staying with him because I don't want to ruin this vacation for everyone. Am I as pathetic as that sounds?

Answer: If you have put up with this crap for two years you've earned a vacation, go for it, enjoy yourself and then demand something better.

Here is the danger. There is always a vacation, a death in the family, a big test coming up, an excuse for why now is not the time to end this toxic relationship.

There are two possibilities either this relationship has a chance or it doesn't. If it is to have a chance then you have to start demanding better treatment or you must be willing walk away. If you are not honestly willing to leave he will never change.

We all have lines that we would never allow to be crossed. Right now you say, "If he ever put a gun to my head or slept with my sister I would break up with him in a heart beat." So why are those things deal breakers but him treating you like a moron gets a pass.

What we tolerate we teach, what we permit we promote. We train people on how to treat us and right now you are telling him that you think these things are okay. He may never become violent with you but these are the patterns of a domestic violence relationship.

Before you break up with him, if you want it to stick this time, you have to be ready to fill the void he will leave in your life with other things. We cannot take something away without replacing it with something else.

Sign up for an art or dance class, get a friend who will support this decision to be your "sponsor" so you can call her in the middle of the night when you are feeling like going back to him and she can remind you that you deserve to be treated like a partner not an underling.

So, begin the process of getting these potential supports in place. Go on the vacation, and when you get back start demanding respect. If he doesn't give it to you immediately you do not have to walk out, but tell him you expect an apology and do not talk to him until you get one. If he breaks up with you for this he has just done you a huge favor.

In the meantime wear your sun screen and come back from vacation feeling great and confident and hopefully you will find a man who is ready to treat you well has been waiting for his chance to be in your life.