Dad's depressed, how much do I visit?

Q:  I am supposed to spend a week at my Mom's and a week at my Dad's but in the summer things get fuzzy and I find it really hard to go over to my Dad's.  He has been out of work for about 9 months and he just sits around moping or complaining to me about my Mom or how I don't spend enough time with him.  I feel terrible for him but I'm only 16 and I'm not sure what I can really do for him.  Am I a terrible person for not spending more time with him and avoiding him?

A:  It is the job of the parent to care for the child, not the job of the child to care for the parent.  No matter how good a daughter or son you are at the end of your days God is not going to reward you with another chance to relive your childhood because you sacrificed it caring for him.  The debt that you owe is to your own future children, to survive high school and and to have as much healthy normal teen aged fun along the way so that you are not resentful when it it time for you to make them your first priority.

That is not to say that you should ignore your Father or the custody arrangement that your parents have set up.  Just remember that your father is dealing with a serious mental health issue and until he gets help for that no matter how much energy you steal from your own life and pour on his it is not going to be enough.

You could try writing him a letter and leaving it at his house laying out how you feel and your hope that he will seek help to improve his functioning and your relationship.  While a move like this is always scary as we fear the defensive reaction that is likely to result, how much worse could that be than the current state of things.

Other things to try are to try to catch him doing something good.  So often we can list all the negative things a person has done but we fail to catch them in their good moments and really reinforce those.  In the times when you do have a good interaction with your Dad be sure to mention what you liked about dinner or that trip for ice cream.

You absolutely have the right to call him out when he makes comments about your mother by simply saying, "Dad I want to have a good relationship with you but when you bring Mom up it makes it hard to be around you.  Let's talk about..."

If you have siblings and they are being similarly impacted sometimes writing a joint letter or even staging an intervention if he is not getting help for his depression can make a greater impact as you show a united front.

At the end of the day whether a parent has a mental health disorder, an addiction, or just an unfortunate personality you give to them what you hope your own child will give to you some day.  While your parents are major figures in your life there are other people (including yourself) who need your energy and you cannot give away all your reserves and still be healthy.

When dealing with people who are truly draining, (sometimes we refer to these people as toxic as just being exposed to them can make us unhealthy) for every hour you spend with them you need to spend 3 hours with people who fill you.  Do that and you will keep things in a healthy balance.

How do I get promoted

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Question:  I have been working at my company for three years and I have made two lateral moves but I can't seem to get promoted.  All my reviews are excellent but they seem to view me as a technician and not a leader.  I see other people getting promoted and I wonder what I'm doing wrong.  I'm afraid to push too hard because I don't want to get fired, but it has gotten to the point where I dread going in to work every day.

Answer:  The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Forget everything you have ever learned about good social skills and being polite.  Get noticed and be willing to ruffle some feathers or get used to being passed over.  

Corporations exist to make a profit for their share holders.  They want their employees to be happy because that makes them more productive but they are not going to give you a big raise and a promotion as a reward for good service.  

You have to work smarter not harder.  You can go back to your desk and spend 20 hours a day making your projects and assignments extra perfect but there is a thing called the law of diminishing returns.  The guy you resent who spent five hours on the project and then went golfing with the boss is going to get promoted ahead of you if his five hour project was good enough to get the job done.  

Step one:  determine the exact position you want and why.  If it doesn't exist write a proposal to create it.
Step two: be prepared to show how you having this position can benefit the bottom line.
Step three:  e-mail your boss and make an appointment to discuss this concept, be prepared for her/him to react by stalling and saying they need to check with someone above them.  Just because you have been thinking about this for a long time do not assume she/he has.
Step four:  update your resume and and start contacting your company's competitors with the same proposed position.  DO NOT just fill out an online application and wait.  DO find the name of your boss's equal number at other companies and contact them directly.  Corporations get tens of thousands of online applications and unless someone is looking for yours it is unlikely to be found.

What is the worst that can happen with this plan?  Your boss says no?  Okay, well you are already looking for a position in another company where you will be valued.

Will a boss really fire someone for wanting to improve the bottom line and advance themselves at the same time?  No chance.  If you are going to get fired it will be because your work is sub par or they have a numbers crunch and need to let people go.

Unless you believe you deserve this promotion and are willing to suggest it you have no chance of getting it.  In addition, it must be presented as a win win for you and your company, because if it don't make dollars then it don't make sense.

Patience may be a virtue, and the meek may inherit the earth, but the assertive will get the raise and the promotion much much faster. 

saving up sins

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Question: I hate conflict. So when my daughter or my husband do something that bothers me, I don't say anything. I find myself saving these things up as examples to use when we finally have a big talk, but then when the big talk comes I forget half of them, or maybe we never even have the talk. I've tried writing them down but that hasn't worked. How do I express my displeasure at the inconsiderate things they do without fighting about it?

Answer: Learn to love conflict. Do you remember that great movie you saw where the main character went through two hours of joy and bliss and nothing bad ever happened? No? Neither do I, because without conflict there is no story, nothing happens.

Somewhere along the way you learned that if you assert yourself it will lead to a fight. If you get in a fight your feelings will get hurt, or the other person's feelings will get hurt and then then you will feel guilty, so it is better to just not say anything.

This is a great strategy if you plan to be a door mat for your entire life but if you want reciprocal relationships with healthy people this is not going to work so well.

You figured this out on your own so you decided that it would be best to just save up other's sins against you in some kind of list and then eventually you have a nice, quiet, adult conversation about these issues. The problem with this plan is it turns out most people don't like to have conversations about things they have done wrong. These don't stay nice and quiet conversations and your talking partner paints you as the bad guy for hanging on to things that happened weeks, months, sometimes even years ago.

So what is the solution? State your feelings and observations as soon as you feel/notice them.

Example: You walk into the house after a long day of work and your husband is watching tv you daughter is chatting online up in her room. No one has started dinner, the house is a mess, and the dog is barking because he needs to go out and get fed. Normally you would: Sigh, let the dog out, feed him start dinner, and clean later, and let the sins list get a little longer.

Instead you could say. "Wow, I'm feeling really over whelmed right now. Is there a reason why A, B, and C have not been done?"

More than likely your husband and daughter just didn't think of doing it because you always get it done. We train people how to treat us and you have trained them to be docile to a point we call learned helplessness.

It is important to ask "Is there a reason?" because if there is, or if something awful happened to that person that day you don't seem like such a jerk, you have created an out. This will help you to be less afraid of confronting.

If there was no reason, and there usually isn't, the next step is to say "Well, could you help me by..."

The worst they can say is no, in which case you are no worse off than if you did it all yourself in the first place. Remember that your conflict avoidance is not being done to benefit others, it is your own selfish way of avoiding discomfort. The sooner you can grow comfortable with conflict the faster you will improve these relationships and let go of your resentment.

For the sake of the vacation

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Question: I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for two years. When things are good they are fantastic, he makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in the universe. When things are not good, which is most of the time, he treats me like I'm a moron and he finds ways to bring up all the mistakes I've made in the past, over and over and over. We've broken up several times but when we are apart all I can think of are the good times and I fear I will never find that with anyone else. We are supposed to go on vacation next week with his family, a trip we have been planning for months. I know I need to break up with him but as bad as this sounds I think I'm partially staying with him because I don't want to ruin this vacation for everyone. Am I as pathetic as that sounds?

Answer: If you have put up with this crap for two years you've earned a vacation, go for it, enjoy yourself and then demand something better.

Here is the danger. There is always a vacation, a death in the family, a big test coming up, an excuse for why now is not the time to end this toxic relationship.

There are two possibilities either this relationship has a chance or it doesn't. If it is to have a chance then you have to start demanding better treatment or you must be willing walk away. If you are not honestly willing to leave he will never change.

We all have lines that we would never allow to be crossed. Right now you say, "If he ever put a gun to my head or slept with my sister I would break up with him in a heart beat." So why are those things deal breakers but him treating you like a moron gets a pass.

What we tolerate we teach, what we permit we promote. We train people on how to treat us and right now you are telling him that you think these things are okay. He may never become violent with you but these are the patterns of a domestic violence relationship.

Before you break up with him, if you want it to stick this time, you have to be ready to fill the void he will leave in your life with other things. We cannot take something away without replacing it with something else.

Sign up for an art or dance class, get a friend who will support this decision to be your "sponsor" so you can call her in the middle of the night when you are feeling like going back to him and she can remind you that you deserve to be treated like a partner not an underling.

So, begin the process of getting these potential supports in place. Go on the vacation, and when you get back start demanding respect. If he doesn't give it to you immediately you do not have to walk out, but tell him you expect an apology and do not talk to him until you get one. If he breaks up with you for this he has just done you a huge favor.

In the meantime wear your sun screen and come back from vacation feeling great and confident and hopefully you will find a man who is ready to treat you well has been waiting for his chance to be in your life.

Don't tell me I have potential!

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Question: If my Mom tells me one more time how much "potential" I have I'm going to stab her in the face, okay not literally, but still! What if I don't care about getting straight A's? Why can't she just be happy with who I am and the things I do?

Answer: 99% of parents and teachers have no idea that the phrase "You have so much potential..." translates into "you are a lazy loser" in kid language.

If you ever become a parent you will discover that the first sensation that washes over you when they put that little wrinkly baby in your arms is a mixture of love and joy, and the second is a gigantic wave of fear to which the immediate response is the prayer "Please God don't let me screw this up!"

Nobody wants to be the caricature evil parent or teacher that says "you suck, you'll never amount to nothin!" We read in parenting books that you must encourage your children to believe that they can do anything, they can be president, and that you believe in them.

There is a flip side to every coin and the dark side of encouragement and belief is the feeling that love is conditional upon achievement. They fear that no matter how hard they try it will never be good enough, their parent will never be satisfied so why play the game? Why try to hit a moving target?

I'm guessing your Mom has no idea how close to a face stabbing she is getting with words that she thinks are designed to motivate you with love. If you want her to change it is not enough to tell her that you don't want her to say "you have so much potential" or she will just replace the word potential with "possibility" or "talent" and you will still end up feeling like she is saying you are not good enough.

More then tearing down her mistake you must explain to her what you want her to do instead. "Mom instead of telling me how much potential I have say...whatever her truth is" Unfortunately that truth might be more uncomfortable that the word potential. It might be her being candid about her fears that you will resent her later in life if she doesn't push you.

The key formula to learn when ever anyone says something that makes you uncomfortable is "Mom, when you say....... I feel...... If you want me to....... please say...... instead." I know it is kinda like emotional mad libs but it works.