Who would you take a bullet for?

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Question: Everyone tells me that you cannot really love another until you love yourself. Then I ask people if they would take a bullet for their wife or child and they all say yes. Doesn't that mean they love those people more than they love themselves? Isn't caring more about someone else than you care about yourself what love is all about?

Answer: It sounds to me like you are searching for a loop hole so you can find a way to have a healthy relationship without loving yourself. One of my steadiest rules of life is that if you are looking for a loop hole you are probably doing something wrong.

The entire premise that you are starting with is shaky. People don't take bullets for the other person they do it for themselves. If I am a secret service agent I take a bullet for the President because that is the only way to be true to myself and my code of honor and duty. The President, and possibly the nation, benefit from my sacrifice but ultimately I get to preserve my ego integrity and avoid the shame of not taking that bullet.

Most efforts we make for others, gifts we buy, gestures of kindness are done less for the other and more to make us feel good about ourselves, or to avoid the guilt of not doing what we are "supposed" to.

I deal with a number of co-dependent clients who feel that unless they are providing benefit to another person they don't deserve any love or happiness. They feel like they need to earn love through acts.

Martin Luther put forth the notion that love (particularly God's love in his case) was so wonderful that you could never possibly do enough good works to earn it. It would be like trying to save up enough money to buy a sunset.

You cannot earn the love of another by taking a bullet, baking cakes, becoming a sexual supplicant, or making a million bucks a year. The only way you get love is by believing that you are as deserving of it as any other person. Yes you are flawed, but so are the rest of us.

If you end up building a relationship where what you have in common with your partner is that you both love him and put his needs ahead of yours, you will have gotten exactly the relationship you believe you deserve, but it sure won't make you happy.

If your partner is a decent human being he/she will get sick of the lack of balance and leave you. If your partner is a selfish jerk then you might have a lasting relationship, but it will be with a selfish jerk, and it is also very likely that no matter how you re-form your self to please that person he/she will get tired of you anyway.

Stop trying to be a martyr, stop trying to cheat the system and find the loop holes. Do the work it takes to love yourself and then look for a relationship. On the path you are walking I could see why you romanticize the notion of taking a bullet, but frankly that is the easy way out.

For the sake of the vacation

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Question: I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for two years. When things are good they are fantastic, he makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in the universe. When things are not good, which is most of the time, he treats me like I'm a moron and he finds ways to bring up all the mistakes I've made in the past, over and over and over. We've broken up several times but when we are apart all I can think of are the good times and I fear I will never find that with anyone else. We are supposed to go on vacation next week with his family, a trip we have been planning for months. I know I need to break up with him but as bad as this sounds I think I'm partially staying with him because I don't want to ruin this vacation for everyone. Am I as pathetic as that sounds?

Answer: If you have put up with this crap for two years you've earned a vacation, go for it, enjoy yourself and then demand something better.

Here is the danger. There is always a vacation, a death in the family, a big test coming up, an excuse for why now is not the time to end this toxic relationship.

There are two possibilities either this relationship has a chance or it doesn't. If it is to have a chance then you have to start demanding better treatment or you must be willing walk away. If you are not honestly willing to leave he will never change.

We all have lines that we would never allow to be crossed. Right now you say, "If he ever put a gun to my head or slept with my sister I would break up with him in a heart beat." So why are those things deal breakers but him treating you like a moron gets a pass.

What we tolerate we teach, what we permit we promote. We train people on how to treat us and right now you are telling him that you think these things are okay. He may never become violent with you but these are the patterns of a domestic violence relationship.

Before you break up with him, if you want it to stick this time, you have to be ready to fill the void he will leave in your life with other things. We cannot take something away without replacing it with something else.

Sign up for an art or dance class, get a friend who will support this decision to be your "sponsor" so you can call her in the middle of the night when you are feeling like going back to him and she can remind you that you deserve to be treated like a partner not an underling.

So, begin the process of getting these potential supports in place. Go on the vacation, and when you get back start demanding respect. If he doesn't give it to you immediately you do not have to walk out, but tell him you expect an apology and do not talk to him until you get one. If he breaks up with you for this he has just done you a huge favor.

In the meantime wear your sun screen and come back from vacation feeling great and confident and hopefully you will find a man who is ready to treat you well has been waiting for his chance to be in your life.