sexting consequences

(if you like the blog spread the word and sign up to follow it on this site or on facebook. If you have a question e-mail me and I will do my best to answer.)

Question: My daughter is a freshman in high school. A boy convinced her to send him a topless picture of herself and now it has been sent all over the school. I heard about it from a neighbor and while I haven't seen the picture, and am petrified that somehow I will, I just know that this is true. She developed early and so girls have labeled her a slut since middle school and I know it eats her up inside. Why would she do this? How can I help her if she won't even tell me what is going on? How can I send her back to that school if all these kids have seen her this way?

Answer: 3 steps. Step 1: You tell her that you heard a rumor about her and you don't care if it is true or not but either way you love her and you are there to support her. Step 2: you hold her close and you tell her that everything is going to be just fine. Step 3: You help her fill her time with something that she is confident in and makes her feel good to help build her self esteem and wait for the storm to pass.

There are constantly rumors floating around every high school. Many are false, some are true. No one really knows which is which. Even if the picture is her, she can always claim someone put her face on another body, and maybe that is actually what happened.

Think about when you go to the supermarket and see the tabloids in the check out line. You absorb the rumors about the celebrities but do you really care? Does it change your opinion of that person? Usually not. In general if we like a person we choose to believe the rumors about them are false or could be explained. If we don't like them we believe every nasty thing we hear.

Your daughter's situation at school will not change very much. The people who thought she was a slut are going to have one more piece of ammunition. The kids that like her will base their opinion of her on their own experience, some will even be kinder to her because they feel bad for her situation.

Why would she do this? Why do girls flash their breasts for girls gone wild videos? Why do they pose in Maxim or pornographic magazines? Why do they become exotic dancers? Because admiration for one's appearance feels good.

If we did not pair the display of the naked female form with shame, and couple it with destructive male fantasies about sex and submission, then every woman who was proud of her appearance might display it.

Everyone knew your daughter had breasts, now they know what they look like. While your daughter is probably horrified, if there was a part of her that was also proud would that make her a terrible person? I don't think so.

The problem is the judgement and harassment she will face and if she continued down this path it could prevent her from forming relationships with healthy friends and romantic partners who might not want be associated with drama and poor decision making.

The fix for this is to try to give her something other than the shape of her body to be proud of so she can display that and get affirmation that does not come back to bite her. Even if she becomes a nationally known accordion player to some people she will always be "the girl with the boobs picture". That is part of her identity. Over time hopefully it becomes a smaller and smaller part.

The way you react to this situation will play a critical role for your future relationship with your daughter and her self esteem. It is your goal to convince her that your love is unconditional and even when you are disappointed in her actions you are always proud that she is your daughter. If she believes that she may have the confidence to hold her head high and move forward. If she doesn't you troubles have just begun.