(This blog will be seen by more people if you click "follow this blog" on this site and/or on facebook, so if you can click, please do so)
Question: You said in one of your posts that "guilt has a function, it keeps us from screwing people over." Well, what if I don't feel guilty? I was dating this guy and he fell in love with me and I broke his heart and I thought I would feel really bad because I knew things were heading that way, but I don't. What does that say about me?
Answer: If you do a bad thing and you don't feel guilty you have either 1.) learned to rationalize and justify your behavior in your own mind, 2.) possibly the thing you did was the best choice you could have made in the situation, 3.) you are a sociopath, 4.) some combo of the previous three.
Guilt, like any emotion, is not a good thing or a bad thing it is a response to the stimuli of your environment. In this way emotions are the same as our senses of touch, taste, smell, etc... If you were to say to me "my baby had a dirty diaper but I couldn't smell it, what does that say about me?" As an isolated event, nothing, if it happens all the time you either have an amazing baby or a poor sense of smell.
The fact that you are even questioning if you should feel more guilty suggests that you are not a sociopath or any other personality disorder (borderline, narcissist, etc..) because you are questioning your own behavior and your impact on others. Your acknowledgement that you don't feel as much guilt as you think you should suggests you have felt guilt in the past and this is less intense.
Guilt falls on a spectrum, it is not like you either have it or you don't. The anger spectrum can go from mild irritation all the way to rage. Similarly the guilt spectrum ranges from mild regret to a paralysis of shame and self loathing.
Guilt is about what you have done, shame is about who you are. It sounds like you do have some guilt, or at least mild regret, that this guy got hurt. You kinda wish you could have avoided that but but it isn't eating you up inside. Ok, works for me.
If this becomes a pattern of behavior for you, where you put your needs ahead of the needs of others and you feel just dandy about it, that would suggest your guilt has stopped functioning the way it should and you will end up having crappy-selfish-one sided relationships if you don't do some work on it.
Some people seek to justify selfish behavior by saying "I'm just an asshole" or "I'm just a bitch" as if they are frozen that way and others just need to accept it. 99% of us are selfish at times but if we can consider the needs of others some of the time then we do not have to act like jerks. We can rationalize guilt away all we want but ultimately there is a direct relationship between selfish behavior and unhappiness.
None of us like feeling guilty but without guilt in the appropriate amount for the situation we will end up very lonely. Personally I would rather have the guilt.
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Friday, April 30, 2010
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Is telling the truth the right thing to do?
(like the blog? Sign up to follow it on this website or on facebook. Have a question, send me an e-mail at Maigler@3rdcoastcoaching.org or daniel.maigler@live.com)
Question: My husband is a good man and a good father, but we have never had the explosive passion which I knew with an old flame. Recently I reconnected with him over facebook. He too is in a less than satisfying marriage that he is unwilling to leave. Should I tell my husband what I'm feeling? He has noticed that I'm not happy and I don't know what to say.
Answer: Truth is like a knife, it is neither good nor bad, it is a tool and whether it leads to good or ill results depends mostly upon the intention of the user.
Before we communicate anything to anyone we must consider the audience and ask ourselves what message we want them to take from the conversation.
If you don't consider the audience, then you are speaking (writing, singing, etc..) for your own benefit. So many people seek to unburden their own conscience and try to use their need to be honest as their excuse. If that truth is not meant to truly benefit the hearer then it is no kindness.
This is not to say I encourage lying, or even withholding the truth. I tell the truth 99% of the time because it is the fastest and most effective way to communicate. Lies, or withholding the truth take a great deal of effort and lead to distance between people which is usually unnecessary.
I am only telling you that telling the truth for it's own sake is not an automatic good thing. Even the 10 commandments are misunderstood in this regard. Most people quote an abbreviated commandment when they say "thou shalt not lie" the real commandment (depending upon translation) is closer to "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"
There is a subtle but important difference. The commandment is saying we should not lie for our own benefit and to the detriment of another. I think it might as well go on to say "Thou shalt not speak to promote thine own gain if it should cause another to come to harm."
It sounds to me like you might be looking to sabotage your relationship. You want the passion you felt in the past, if you can't have it with your wife or your old flame you want to find it somewhere, you do not want to grow old and die with regret and wonder at the love you might have found. Yet you fear your husband and your children will hate you. For you to do something as cruel and seemingly foolish as to destroy a stable, if flavorless, marriage you need to arm yourself with some moral justification. So you look to honesty as the fall guy.
I am not telling you that you should stay in your marriage. I'm not telling you that you should hold your feelings back from your husband. I am saying that before you open your mouth you damn well better figure out what you are hoping will happen or else I would accuse you of being cruel and irresponsible.
If you need help figuring out what you want, find a therapist. That is what we do. Perhaps you need marriage counseling, but I suspect that the problem is internal. Very rarely do I see questions like this from people who are excited about the rest of their life. Usually these feelings toward self/relationship sabotage come from people who are feeling down and are looking for a reason. Fixing the lack of passion on the inside seems a lot harder than blaming the job, the husband, the parents or kids.
Find your passion and your purpose in the rest of your life and when you know what you want and how you want to get there then be honest with your husband. I would be shocked if you find deeper meaning in your life and you don't notice an imporvement in your relationship satisfaction. When you decide to talk openly with your husband do it to illuminate both of your paths, not in the hope that he will cast you out and you will not have to feel guilty about the end of your marriage.
Question: My husband is a good man and a good father, but we have never had the explosive passion which I knew with an old flame. Recently I reconnected with him over facebook. He too is in a less than satisfying marriage that he is unwilling to leave. Should I tell my husband what I'm feeling? He has noticed that I'm not happy and I don't know what to say.
Answer: Truth is like a knife, it is neither good nor bad, it is a tool and whether it leads to good or ill results depends mostly upon the intention of the user.
Before we communicate anything to anyone we must consider the audience and ask ourselves what message we want them to take from the conversation.
If you don't consider the audience, then you are speaking (writing, singing, etc..) for your own benefit. So many people seek to unburden their own conscience and try to use their need to be honest as their excuse. If that truth is not meant to truly benefit the hearer then it is no kindness.
This is not to say I encourage lying, or even withholding the truth. I tell the truth 99% of the time because it is the fastest and most effective way to communicate. Lies, or withholding the truth take a great deal of effort and lead to distance between people which is usually unnecessary.
I am only telling you that telling the truth for it's own sake is not an automatic good thing. Even the 10 commandments are misunderstood in this regard. Most people quote an abbreviated commandment when they say "thou shalt not lie" the real commandment (depending upon translation) is closer to "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"
There is a subtle but important difference. The commandment is saying we should not lie for our own benefit and to the detriment of another. I think it might as well go on to say "Thou shalt not speak to promote thine own gain if it should cause another to come to harm."
It sounds to me like you might be looking to sabotage your relationship. You want the passion you felt in the past, if you can't have it with your wife or your old flame you want to find it somewhere, you do not want to grow old and die with regret and wonder at the love you might have found. Yet you fear your husband and your children will hate you. For you to do something as cruel and seemingly foolish as to destroy a stable, if flavorless, marriage you need to arm yourself with some moral justification. So you look to honesty as the fall guy.
I am not telling you that you should stay in your marriage. I'm not telling you that you should hold your feelings back from your husband. I am saying that before you open your mouth you damn well better figure out what you are hoping will happen or else I would accuse you of being cruel and irresponsible.
If you need help figuring out what you want, find a therapist. That is what we do. Perhaps you need marriage counseling, but I suspect that the problem is internal. Very rarely do I see questions like this from people who are excited about the rest of their life. Usually these feelings toward self/relationship sabotage come from people who are feeling down and are looking for a reason. Fixing the lack of passion on the inside seems a lot harder than blaming the job, the husband, the parents or kids.
Find your passion and your purpose in the rest of your life and when you know what you want and how you want to get there then be honest with your husband. I would be shocked if you find deeper meaning in your life and you don't notice an imporvement in your relationship satisfaction. When you decide to talk openly with your husband do it to illuminate both of your paths, not in the hope that he will cast you out and you will not have to feel guilty about the end of your marriage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
