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Question: When ever I start dating a guy I really like it seems like I have a panic attack in front of him by the 3rd date. I've realized that part of me likes this. I don't want to get really into him and then find out he can't handle me, but I think I also might have scared some good guys away. If they leave when they see me freak out that probably means they weren't going to last anyway, doesn't it?
Answer: Not necessarily. If on your 3rd date with a guy he decided not to shave, cut his hair to look like he was balding, and farted after dinner would you be crazy to think twice about not going back for date number 4? We all know that the people we fall for are going to have some faults but we generally don't find them all at once.
It sounds like you are testing these guys by creating a situation that did not occur organically just to see how they will react, assuming that you can predict their future behavior. Sounds very scientific. Unfortunately it is a terrible plan.
People seek people at their same level of emotional functioning. So if you give off the impression that you are less healthy than you truly are to see if a guy is going to stick around there are two possible responses: He leaves or he stays and neither of those are necessarily good.
If he leaves, it might mean that he is a jerk who can't handle it when the emotional going gets tough. Or it might mean that he is an emotionally healthy person and all this drama that is surrounding you has set off his "get the hell out of here" alarm. Unfortunately after 3 dates it was probably too early to know either way.
If he stays, it might mean that he is a super sensitive guy who will be there for you through thick and thin. Or it might mean he is really co-dependant. People like this need to be needed and if you ever act like a really healthy independent person for an extended period of time he will lose interest and find a new project.
So how do we know if we can trust this guy if we don't test him? Two ways, organic growth and relationships with others.
Organic growth: If you have panic attacks that is part of who you are. You don't have to hide them from him, just don't trigger them early to test him. Don't create dramatic situations to see how he will react, but do take note of how he reacts to situations when they really arise. This is how healthy relationships form, slowly, with trust being built little by little. It is scary because you could end up being really into him and he could end up hurting you. Even healthy relationships are a roll of the dice.
Relationships with others: People bring the same skills, abilities, and baggage to all their relationships. See how he is with his friends, family, co-workers and find out what you can about his past relationships and how he conducted himself. Liars lie, cheaters cheat, thieves steal and they don't just do it in one area of their life. If a guy is shady he is going to be shady in more than just the romantic department.
The main problem with testing someone with your scary side is it relies on the false premise that if you can weed out the untrustworthy people you won't get hurt. In reality it is rarely the con-men, players, or shallow jerks who hurt people the worst. The people who really hurt you are the good ones because they do earn you trust and then sometimes they still move, die, fall out of love...
If you want to find a lover, friend, therapist, boss, who is going to be there for you when the chips are down, don't play games, be patient and observant and realizes that the greatest losses are born not of failure but of success.
Showing posts with label relationship sabotage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship sabotage. Show all posts
Monday, January 18, 2010
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Is telling the truth the right thing to do?
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Question: My husband is a good man and a good father, but we have never had the explosive passion which I knew with an old flame. Recently I reconnected with him over facebook. He too is in a less than satisfying marriage that he is unwilling to leave. Should I tell my husband what I'm feeling? He has noticed that I'm not happy and I don't know what to say.
Answer: Truth is like a knife, it is neither good nor bad, it is a tool and whether it leads to good or ill results depends mostly upon the intention of the user.
Before we communicate anything to anyone we must consider the audience and ask ourselves what message we want them to take from the conversation.
If you don't consider the audience, then you are speaking (writing, singing, etc..) for your own benefit. So many people seek to unburden their own conscience and try to use their need to be honest as their excuse. If that truth is not meant to truly benefit the hearer then it is no kindness.
This is not to say I encourage lying, or even withholding the truth. I tell the truth 99% of the time because it is the fastest and most effective way to communicate. Lies, or withholding the truth take a great deal of effort and lead to distance between people which is usually unnecessary.
I am only telling you that telling the truth for it's own sake is not an automatic good thing. Even the 10 commandments are misunderstood in this regard. Most people quote an abbreviated commandment when they say "thou shalt not lie" the real commandment (depending upon translation) is closer to "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"
There is a subtle but important difference. The commandment is saying we should not lie for our own benefit and to the detriment of another. I think it might as well go on to say "Thou shalt not speak to promote thine own gain if it should cause another to come to harm."
It sounds to me like you might be looking to sabotage your relationship. You want the passion you felt in the past, if you can't have it with your wife or your old flame you want to find it somewhere, you do not want to grow old and die with regret and wonder at the love you might have found. Yet you fear your husband and your children will hate you. For you to do something as cruel and seemingly foolish as to destroy a stable, if flavorless, marriage you need to arm yourself with some moral justification. So you look to honesty as the fall guy.
I am not telling you that you should stay in your marriage. I'm not telling you that you should hold your feelings back from your husband. I am saying that before you open your mouth you damn well better figure out what you are hoping will happen or else I would accuse you of being cruel and irresponsible.
If you need help figuring out what you want, find a therapist. That is what we do. Perhaps you need marriage counseling, but I suspect that the problem is internal. Very rarely do I see questions like this from people who are excited about the rest of their life. Usually these feelings toward self/relationship sabotage come from people who are feeling down and are looking for a reason. Fixing the lack of passion on the inside seems a lot harder than blaming the job, the husband, the parents or kids.
Find your passion and your purpose in the rest of your life and when you know what you want and how you want to get there then be honest with your husband. I would be shocked if you find deeper meaning in your life and you don't notice an imporvement in your relationship satisfaction. When you decide to talk openly with your husband do it to illuminate both of your paths, not in the hope that he will cast you out and you will not have to feel guilty about the end of your marriage.
Question: My husband is a good man and a good father, but we have never had the explosive passion which I knew with an old flame. Recently I reconnected with him over facebook. He too is in a less than satisfying marriage that he is unwilling to leave. Should I tell my husband what I'm feeling? He has noticed that I'm not happy and I don't know what to say.
Answer: Truth is like a knife, it is neither good nor bad, it is a tool and whether it leads to good or ill results depends mostly upon the intention of the user.
Before we communicate anything to anyone we must consider the audience and ask ourselves what message we want them to take from the conversation.
If you don't consider the audience, then you are speaking (writing, singing, etc..) for your own benefit. So many people seek to unburden their own conscience and try to use their need to be honest as their excuse. If that truth is not meant to truly benefit the hearer then it is no kindness.
This is not to say I encourage lying, or even withholding the truth. I tell the truth 99% of the time because it is the fastest and most effective way to communicate. Lies, or withholding the truth take a great deal of effort and lead to distance between people which is usually unnecessary.
I am only telling you that telling the truth for it's own sake is not an automatic good thing. Even the 10 commandments are misunderstood in this regard. Most people quote an abbreviated commandment when they say "thou shalt not lie" the real commandment (depending upon translation) is closer to "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"
There is a subtle but important difference. The commandment is saying we should not lie for our own benefit and to the detriment of another. I think it might as well go on to say "Thou shalt not speak to promote thine own gain if it should cause another to come to harm."
It sounds to me like you might be looking to sabotage your relationship. You want the passion you felt in the past, if you can't have it with your wife or your old flame you want to find it somewhere, you do not want to grow old and die with regret and wonder at the love you might have found. Yet you fear your husband and your children will hate you. For you to do something as cruel and seemingly foolish as to destroy a stable, if flavorless, marriage you need to arm yourself with some moral justification. So you look to honesty as the fall guy.
I am not telling you that you should stay in your marriage. I'm not telling you that you should hold your feelings back from your husband. I am saying that before you open your mouth you damn well better figure out what you are hoping will happen or else I would accuse you of being cruel and irresponsible.
If you need help figuring out what you want, find a therapist. That is what we do. Perhaps you need marriage counseling, but I suspect that the problem is internal. Very rarely do I see questions like this from people who are excited about the rest of their life. Usually these feelings toward self/relationship sabotage come from people who are feeling down and are looking for a reason. Fixing the lack of passion on the inside seems a lot harder than blaming the job, the husband, the parents or kids.
Find your passion and your purpose in the rest of your life and when you know what you want and how you want to get there then be honest with your husband. I would be shocked if you find deeper meaning in your life and you don't notice an imporvement in your relationship satisfaction. When you decide to talk openly with your husband do it to illuminate both of your paths, not in the hope that he will cast you out and you will not have to feel guilty about the end of your marriage.
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