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Question: When ever I start dating a guy I really like it seems like I have a panic attack in front of him by the 3rd date. I've realized that part of me likes this. I don't want to get really into him and then find out he can't handle me, but I think I also might have scared some good guys away. If they leave when they see me freak out that probably means they weren't going to last anyway, doesn't it?
Answer: Not necessarily. If on your 3rd date with a guy he decided not to shave, cut his hair to look like he was balding, and farted after dinner would you be crazy to think twice about not going back for date number 4? We all know that the people we fall for are going to have some faults but we generally don't find them all at once.
It sounds like you are testing these guys by creating a situation that did not occur organically just to see how they will react, assuming that you can predict their future behavior. Sounds very scientific. Unfortunately it is a terrible plan.
People seek people at their same level of emotional functioning. So if you give off the impression that you are less healthy than you truly are to see if a guy is going to stick around there are two possible responses: He leaves or he stays and neither of those are necessarily good.
If he leaves, it might mean that he is a jerk who can't handle it when the emotional going gets tough. Or it might mean that he is an emotionally healthy person and all this drama that is surrounding you has set off his "get the hell out of here" alarm. Unfortunately after 3 dates it was probably too early to know either way.
If he stays, it might mean that he is a super sensitive guy who will be there for you through thick and thin. Or it might mean he is really co-dependant. People like this need to be needed and if you ever act like a really healthy independent person for an extended period of time he will lose interest and find a new project.
So how do we know if we can trust this guy if we don't test him? Two ways, organic growth and relationships with others.
Organic growth: If you have panic attacks that is part of who you are. You don't have to hide them from him, just don't trigger them early to test him. Don't create dramatic situations to see how he will react, but do take note of how he reacts to situations when they really arise. This is how healthy relationships form, slowly, with trust being built little by little. It is scary because you could end up being really into him and he could end up hurting you. Even healthy relationships are a roll of the dice.
Relationships with others: People bring the same skills, abilities, and baggage to all their relationships. See how he is with his friends, family, co-workers and find out what you can about his past relationships and how he conducted himself. Liars lie, cheaters cheat, thieves steal and they don't just do it in one area of their life. If a guy is shady he is going to be shady in more than just the romantic department.
The main problem with testing someone with your scary side is it relies on the false premise that if you can weed out the untrustworthy people you won't get hurt. In reality it is rarely the con-men, players, or shallow jerks who hurt people the worst. The people who really hurt you are the good ones because they do earn you trust and then sometimes they still move, die, fall out of love...
If you want to find a lover, friend, therapist, boss, who is going to be there for you when the chips are down, don't play games, be patient and observant and realizes that the greatest losses are born not of failure but of success.
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