how do I get my kids to talk to me?

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Question: I have a 17 year old girl and a 15 year old boy and I feel like I barely know them. I know that no teenager wants to hang out with their parents but my son has been getting in trouble in school and my daughter has been having some friend issues but I can't help them because they won't let me in. I don't need to know every detail but I want more than a grunt as they head off to practice or up to their room. How will I know if something is really wrong?

Answer: Show up, shut up, and be available. This is the motto of an organization called Play for Peace and I try to follow it everyday. Teenagers have so many people talking at them all day at school that the last thing they want is to be cross examined when they come home, especially if they do get in trouble a lot. So you don't always have to talk, or ask questions, but you do have to spend time together whether or not either of you enjoy it.

Adolescence is the time when people begin to separate from their family and peers become their number one priority. To help that process along the phrase "Honey could you come here for a minute" uttered by a parent sounds to a teen like "Honey can I stick a dirty tooth pick under your finger nail?"

When I was in high school my parents could have said "Come here I want to give you 20 bucks." and I would have thought, "why do they need me to come there, can't they just leave it on the table?" And the crazy thing is I had (and have) a great relationship with my parents. I try to imagine how irritated I would be if I was in trouble a lot, or if every other conversation was about my grades.

So the first step is, modify your expectations. Do not expect your teens to want to spend time with you or to want to talk with you. No matter how cool you are as a parent you are still not cool because you are a parent.

For kids it does not matter how strict or lenient you are the only thing that will get them to trust you is consistency. If you say "just tell me what happened, I won't get mad, I promise." and then you get mad, you have no chance of getting another word, ever. If you are going to get mad, then don't pretend that you won't.

The two things teens hate most are hypocrisy and not being trusted. But being a hypocrite is sometimes the right move, example.) if you are a smoker you should still tell your kids not to smoke. Are you a hypocrite? Hell yes. Are you wrong to say it anyway? No! Also many kids who want their parents trust are not very trustworthy. So, do not worry about giving your kids what they want, worry about what they need.

Your kids need your time, energy, and attention on a consistent basis. If you go to their games and their concerts, or visit them at their job, if you talk to their teachers and go to their conferences.... they will be annoyed, but you will know what is going on in their lives.

Insist on family activities. At first they will grumble, but secretly they won't mind, it just isn't cool to like hanging out with your family. Since 70% of communication is non-verbal if there is something wrong you will pick it up, and if you have put the time in showing the love and concern they might even talk to you about it.

For many kids talking face to face with a parent is super awkward. You may write them a note telling them what you are afraid of and asking them to give you what info they can. You might even try texting them, you would be shocked how much and quickly they can communicate on a cel phone if they want to.

One of the hardest things about dealing with teens is some days they are so grown up, and the next they are that little child who needs you desperately. Treat your kids, as much as possible, like the adults you hope they will become, invest your time in their lives and it will pay dividends in the future. For the now all you can do is provide unconditional love, and consistent consequences. Share your feelings with them, but don't be hurt if they would prefer a kick in the gonads than an afternoon gab with you. That is just part of growing up.