What if my boyfriend is addicted to porn?

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Question:  My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and lately it seems I am always the one who has to initiate sex or any kind cuddling or intimacy.  He is not the type to cheat, but over the years we have had several arguments about porn and although he swore he would stop using it, when I checked the Internet search history it was obvious he had been using it A LOT.   My friends tell me that most guys check out porn, but I feel like a 24 year old guy should still have enough energy left for his girlfriend.  To be honest I hate that he uses it at all, I feel like I should be enough for him, then when we are together and he doesn't stay "excited" I feel like a failure.  What am I supposed to do?  I've already asked him to stop using porn and he lied to me.  I love him but I feel like I'm in a fight I can't win.  Should I insist he go into counseling or I break up with him?  Help!

Answer:  I'm not sure if he is an addict but your boyfriend certainly has a porn problem.  A person has a problem with any issue (drinking, drugs, gambling, self injury, sex) when they persist in a behavior even after it has caused problems in their life functioning and/or relationships.  

Whether or not he is addicted getting rid of the porn is not going to fix your relationship because the real problem is communication, and until that is fixed neither of you are getting your sexual or intimacy needs met. 

I'm guessing that your boyfriend discovered porn long before the two of you met and it filled niche for him in his life.  It was a readily available, low cost/consequence way to find sexual release.  When you guys began to connect the excitement of the relationship was probably enough to gratify him, or maybe he continued using porn in conjunction with your relationship.  Regardless, most people in a new relationship are hesitant to share their sexual fantasies for fear of being rejected.  

Somewhere along the way you discovered his use of porn and you broadcast a message loud and clear that you were not okay with it.  An unintended consequence of this was that you probably caused him to feel shame and this led him to close off communication about his sexual needs and desires.   

Now the question becomes how can your boyfriend win?  If he has a desire for something outside the pattern of love making that you have developed he cannot express it without risking rejection.  If he seeks out porn for release he is lying to you and betraying you.  As the relationship continues the increased pressure he feels sounds like it is leading to some erectile dysfunction and the shame spiral just gets worse. 

As an added complication, some men who are porn/masturbation addicted can have a very hard time ejaculating without the familiar pressure that only they know how to provide. As much as vagina/mouth/anus of a partner might be infinitely more desirable to them in concept in real life the body may only respond to what it has grown accustomed to. 

The fix for this is simple.  Get curious.  You need to approach your boyfriend and in an open and non-judgemental way and explore with him what he was getting from the porn.  As long as it does not involve something illegal or immoral perhaps there is a way you can share some of his turn ons and stop having to view porn as a competitor.  Your boyfriend will probably be suspicious that this is some kind of trap and will be hesitant to share so it is likely you will have to provide him with some of your hidden desires first until he can really trust that it is okay to share.

Although most porn is sexist, misogynistic, insipid and of low quality, you might be able to find some movies that are not pornographic but still provide enough sexual tension to excite both of you.

One way to help take away the pressure on sex is to set a goal up front of making love without penetration.  There are a million ways to get each other off and if the activity involves sharing and connection then that is what making love is really all about.  People have sex with each other every day without any connection being shared, and that kind of mutual masturbation using each other's bodies is not likely to bring contentment back to your relationship. 

If after you try these things you feel that your boyfriend's use of porn is still a competitor and something that is getting in the way of the two of you feeling connection and intimacy, then don't give him an ultimatum, talk to him about it.  If he is willing to seek help support that, if he isn't it may be time for you to move on, but do not attempt to force him into anything as he has already shown that would just lead to lying and more mistrust. 

Ultimately your intimacy will be only as good as your communication.  Until you can establish that either of you can ask for anything (doesn't mean you will get it) without being judged there will be a barrier between you.  Seek to break down that barrier to communication and you may find that a lot of pleasant nights lay ahead. 

How do I explain my depression?

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Question:  I can't win.  Every fall I start to get depressed and it happens at other times in the year.  Sometimes I just need to cry or be sad but my boyfriend feels like a failure if I'm not happy.  My parents think I'm just a drama queen because when I'm with my friends or my boyfriend I can be happy and laughing but then when it is time to get out of bed for school sometimes I just can't do it.  My boyfriend wants me to tell him how I"m feeling and I want to be honest with him, but then we fight because I don't want to hear a pep talk, I just want him to be there and love me.  How do I get them all to understand that this is real and I can't help it, but it isn't anybody's fault or job to fix it? Sometimes I just need to cry and be sad for awhile. 

Answer:  Psycho-education for families and friends is the most overlooked part of successful mental health treatment.  As a therapist usually my first job is to get my client to understand what you just said:  This is a disease, it isn't about fault and it isn't about fixing it, it is about learning to manage the symptoms and get on with your life.  This process usually takes me a couple of years so that fact that you are already there is a great sign.

There are four methods I would suggest to get the people you care about to understand what you need and what you don't:  direct conversation, writing them a letter, conversation with a third party, book or movie. 

If you are going to use any of the first three methods your first step is figuring out what you want and planning how you want to go into the conversation/explanation.  The format I suggest is:  1.)  Tell them what you are feeling 2.) identify what you think is triggering that feeling 3.) tell them what you are afraid will happen as a result of the conversation/letter 4.) tell them what you hope will happen next (with concrete examples of what you would like them to do instead of what they have been doing).   

When dealing with men conversations often go off the rails when talking about feelings because the man often wants the feelings to make sense (which feelings are not obliged to do), and/or because he has not been given direct instructions on what he is supposed to DO.  When men do not have an action plan they get nervous, especially if there is a crying woman in the room.  If you give your boyfriend a manual and tell him what his role is in helping you he is likely to be more relaxed and follow instructions. 

I generally suggest writing a letter which you then read aloud or have a trusted friend check for potential land mines that will cause the reader to be defensive.  After you have given the letter and time for the reader to digest follow up with a conversation for clarification. 

Sometimes past arguments and relationships represent a block to communication.  Perhaps your parents cannot take information coming from their daughter seriously.  In these cases if you are working with a therapist it is a great idea to get them involved for a joint session where they help explain what is going on for you.  Sometimes that masters degree will make the same words that you already used sound more real to a parent or boyfriend. 

Finally if you have read a book, seen a movie, or even heard a song which really captures the way you feel, try to expose the person to that media.  Sometimes Hollywood does a much better job than we ever could in explaining the way we are feeling, and while most guys are not rushing out to rent "Girl Interrupted" if you ask your man to watch it with you, he probably will. 

None of these people can know what it feels like inside you, even if they have dealt with depression themselves.  They don't need to know and if they are lucky they will never have to.  They do need to be educated, however, that even if there is no reason for them your feelings are real and they matter.  If they want you to be as healthy as possible they will not question your feelings or make you feel bad for having them, they will just support you in the way that works best for you. 

how do I get my kids to talk to me?

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Question: I have a 17 year old girl and a 15 year old boy and I feel like I barely know them. I know that no teenager wants to hang out with their parents but my son has been getting in trouble in school and my daughter has been having some friend issues but I can't help them because they won't let me in. I don't need to know every detail but I want more than a grunt as they head off to practice or up to their room. How will I know if something is really wrong?

Answer: Show up, shut up, and be available. This is the motto of an organization called Play for Peace and I try to follow it everyday. Teenagers have so many people talking at them all day at school that the last thing they want is to be cross examined when they come home, especially if they do get in trouble a lot. So you don't always have to talk, or ask questions, but you do have to spend time together whether or not either of you enjoy it.

Adolescence is the time when people begin to separate from their family and peers become their number one priority. To help that process along the phrase "Honey could you come here for a minute" uttered by a parent sounds to a teen like "Honey can I stick a dirty tooth pick under your finger nail?"

When I was in high school my parents could have said "Come here I want to give you 20 bucks." and I would have thought, "why do they need me to come there, can't they just leave it on the table?" And the crazy thing is I had (and have) a great relationship with my parents. I try to imagine how irritated I would be if I was in trouble a lot, or if every other conversation was about my grades.

So the first step is, modify your expectations. Do not expect your teens to want to spend time with you or to want to talk with you. No matter how cool you are as a parent you are still not cool because you are a parent.

For kids it does not matter how strict or lenient you are the only thing that will get them to trust you is consistency. If you say "just tell me what happened, I won't get mad, I promise." and then you get mad, you have no chance of getting another word, ever. If you are going to get mad, then don't pretend that you won't.

The two things teens hate most are hypocrisy and not being trusted. But being a hypocrite is sometimes the right move, example.) if you are a smoker you should still tell your kids not to smoke. Are you a hypocrite? Hell yes. Are you wrong to say it anyway? No! Also many kids who want their parents trust are not very trustworthy. So, do not worry about giving your kids what they want, worry about what they need.

Your kids need your time, energy, and attention on a consistent basis. If you go to their games and their concerts, or visit them at their job, if you talk to their teachers and go to their conferences.... they will be annoyed, but you will know what is going on in their lives.

Insist on family activities. At first they will grumble, but secretly they won't mind, it just isn't cool to like hanging out with your family. Since 70% of communication is non-verbal if there is something wrong you will pick it up, and if you have put the time in showing the love and concern they might even talk to you about it.

For many kids talking face to face with a parent is super awkward. You may write them a note telling them what you are afraid of and asking them to give you what info they can. You might even try texting them, you would be shocked how much and quickly they can communicate on a cel phone if they want to.

One of the hardest things about dealing with teens is some days they are so grown up, and the next they are that little child who needs you desperately. Treat your kids, as much as possible, like the adults you hope they will become, invest your time in their lives and it will pay dividends in the future. For the now all you can do is provide unconditional love, and consistent consequences. Share your feelings with them, but don't be hurt if they would prefer a kick in the gonads than an afternoon gab with you. That is just part of growing up.

Sexpectations hurting relationship

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Question: I know my husband loves me but we don't make love, we have sex and often afterward I feel like I was used, like I'm just an object that he used to get off. I tried to explain it to him but he won't listen or maybe I can't find the right words. Am I just being too sensitive?

Answer: If you feel it, then it is real and it needs to be dealt with. If you try to ignore this you will grow less and less enthusiastic for sex and the energy will go out of this part of your relationship. That would be a terrible loss when some communication might be all it takes to correct this.

I once had a male client whose girlfriend taught him this lesson. They were in a long distance relationship and as soon as they got together the first thing he wanted to do was have sex. Although she loved him and missed him both emotionally and sexually this pressure on the sexual aspect turned her off and made her feel disconnected emotionally.

When she tried to explain this to him he wanted to dismiss it. He would plead and pressure saying things like, "You know I love you, can't you just do it for me, even if you aren't really into it right now?"

Finally one day she decided if she was going to be treated like an object that is how she would act and she just lay back completely still and expressionless, once they began having sex. He told me that when he realized how she was feeling through her actions he became repulsed and was physically nauseous.

While I don't recommend that you necessarily take these steps you may choose to tell this story so your husband might start to understand how important it is for you to feel like making love is done with you rather than to you if it is to improve in your relationship.

For most men this is a matter of ignorance not stupidity. If you can help your husband to understand that a little work on his part will lead to much more enthusiasm and enjoyment for you and much better sex for both of you he will very likely be on board.

The step which most women struggle with at this point of the conversation is to explain to their men exactly what it is that they should do differently. Women often feel that just explaining the concept should be enough to get men to change their behavior. This is the reasoning that comes from having an intuitive mind WHICH MEN DON'T HAVE!

As I have said before men are the reason why there are directions on the back of the shampoo bottle. That is how simply and directly you must break everything down if you want men to understand what you want and don't want.

It is not enough to say "I hate it when you..." although that is a necessary first step. What you might try instead is say "Honey what will really put me in the mood for intense connected sex sometime soon is if you could show some interest in ... for awhile instead of ..." If men see the pay off they will usually oblige and they will even defer instant gratification if they believe there will be greater pay off later.

Never second guess your feelings, they are there to tell you something even if you cannot explain the logic of them. Feelings don't have to obey logic, but that does not make them insubstantial any more than the wind is unreal because we cannot see it.

Men really want to please their romantic partners, this is one of the ways men like to define themselves. If you can help your husband to connect with you everybody wins, even if he never understands why there was a problem.

why do I say mean things?

Question: Why do I say nasty-horrible-painful-mean things to people I love when I am angry?

Answer: Usually I encounter four main possible reasons: 1.) you want to make the other person feel like you are feeling, 2.) you have learned that when you fight you must destroy your opponent., 3.) to push the other person away so you can be safe from rejection 4.) because you can, you have to get rid of the energy you are feeling and you know that this person loves you enough to take it no matter what.

First we must understand the function of anger. Anger is the body's emotional alarm system. Its physical twin is called pain. Both anger and pain are designed to keep us alive by telling us that something is going wrong and we need to change something. When the body feels anger/pain the fight/flight/freeze response gets triggered and we are filled with energy.

So there you are, pissed and full of energy? What are you going to do with it? You look around to find the cause so you can fight it or run away from it.

In situation number 1.) you want to make them feel like you are feeling. People try to make their outside match their inside. If you are feeling torn apart inside and Bob is standing next to you, he better look out because there is about to be some tearing going on. It doesn't matter if it is fair or not, the you just don't want to be alone with this awful feeling so you drag others down too.

Reason number 2.) Destroying the opponent. We learn how to argue and handle conflict as we watch our role models growing up. If in our experience in a fight the other person will hurt you as bad as they can you learn to do whatever it takes to win. You learn that it is not enough to win the argument, you must destroy your opponent or they will keep coming at you like a horror movie villain. So you say the meanest things you can hoping you will hit them so hard they won't swing back.

Reason number 3.) pushing the other person away, aka blowing up bridges. Many people have been burned in the past when they let others get too close so they often have to test their loved ones level of commitment by pushing them away as hard as they can. One of two things will happen, the abused loved one will take the beating and come back “proving” how much they love you or they will walk away “proving” they never really loved you anyway and you were better off without them.

This can be coupled with a fear of rejecting someone else. If you believe that only bad people break hearts, then you can never reject someone, BUT if you can get them to break up with you and leave then that is okay. Consequently you have to be mean as hell so that they will go away and never come back. As odd as it sounds this doesn't make me a bad person because I'm doing it for their own good. Like when the little kid in the movies tries to release the wild pet into the woods (always a tear jerker).

Reason 4.) Because you can. We say mean things for the same reason we swear when we hit our thumb with a hammer. Does it really help? Well it lets the whole world know how angry we are. We fear that if we just say “oh crumbs” then no one will pay attention to the reality of our pain. You know there are certain people that will let you get away with saying those mean things, and since you can't tell off your boss, or the police man, or God, you rage at your Mom or you boyfriend. And sometimes, even though you feel guilty, you also feel a little better. We keep engaging in most negative coping skills because, in some way, they work.

Notice that no where on this list is the reason “you can't help it.” No matter how angry a person is they can almost always direct their energy to a non-violent (mean words are violence) path. It doesn't matter if a person is drunk or high, there are certain things they would never do.

If you ever think you “couldn't help it” ask yourself, "Would you have said that if someone had a gun pointed to your head?" If the answer is no then that means you could help it.

Your anger is a tool, you need it to survive and you are responsible for how you use that tool. There are a lot of reasons why people say mean things when they are angry. If you want to stop find out what you are getting from it and find a healthier way to get that need met.

why men are dumb

Dear Maigler, my boyfriend is a very smart person, so why is it so hard for him to pick up on anything that I want or that I'm feeling. What bugs me is sometimes he can and other times he is totally clueless. Is he really "emotionally stupid" or is it just an excuse for him to ignore my feelings when he wants to?

Seriously Suspicious,

Dear Seriously,

Next time you are in the shower I want you to look at the back of your shampoo bottle to read the directions. Who needs those? Why are they even on there, are there seriously people who need things broken down THAT simply? Yes. Those people are called men.

The stupidity that most women complain about in their men comes from two main sources. The first is ignorance. As a man I have something called male privilege. It means our society was built by people like me for people like me and so getting through the world doesn't require a lot of thought. Consequently it just does not occur to me that someone else is not happy with the way things are unless they tell me. Privilege means not having to think about a problem. As a man if my needs are being met, I am content and do nothing, if my needs are not being met I go get what I want.

So if you want something from someone who is perfectly happy with the way things are then you have to let him know in very simple direct terms.

This brings us to the second part of male stupidity. Intelligence is the ability to gather information from the environment and use that information to solve problems.

Women are constantly putting information out into the environment in the form of signals. This works when women communicate with one another because women are more intuitive. In our society women are conditioned to operate this way because those who are aggressive or even assertive are considered "bitches" or manly. Unfortunately research has shown that men's brains are just not designed for picking up subtle hints, and that even the act of listening is harder for men than for women.

So what is a girl to do? Stop waiting for him to get it right and if you want something tell him exactly what it is you want, and how, and when you want it done. This is not romantic, it isn't very fun, but it works. Most men want the women in their lives to be happy and they tend to respond very well when they have a defined task that they think they can accomplish successfully.