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Question: I was really nervous about moving into my own place, I hate to be alone, always have. My friend John said he would stay with me for the first week just so I wouldn't be alone. He stayed for two days and then went MIA. A casual acquaintance came over and to make a long story short that guy ended up raping me. What's crazy is I'm more angry with John than I am with the guy who did it. I just keep flipping back and forth from blaming John and blaming myself. What is wrong with me?
Answer: Your mind is trying to convince you that this world could be a safe place if you can just solve all the puzzles and find all the traps. She (that is to say your mind) is afraid that if you just accept that it wasn't really John's fault and it wasn't your fault then you will realize that this world is unsafe and you will just want to give up. Thus she is spinning you in circles to use up your energy and keep you from choosing oblivion, and so far it sounds like it is working.
Acquaintance rape is devastatingly common and rarely prosecuted. Recently a friend told me that she wrote an article for her college paper about an acquaintance date rape which led the girl to drop out of school. At the time her professors hailed her for speaking up but the guys on campus felt betrayed by her article. 20 years later at a reunion her male friends still blamed her for vilifying their friends.
Am I surprised that you blame yourself for this happening? Of course not, but it makes me so weary. "No means No" does not go anywhere near far enough. I don't know if you even said No, to this acquaintance but it shouldn't matter, you should not have to say anything, if you are not actively encouraging him he needed to stop.
We need to train our young men to understand that if you are not being intimate (connecting deeply with your partner as a whole person, not just as an object to utilize in achieving orgasm) then you should not be sexual.
John let you down. He was not there for you and something terrible happened and you should be angry with him. This however, is not his fault. You do not need to keep him as a friend but do not try to lay this at anyone's feet but the man who did it.
You have survived a horrible trauma and the pain is trying to release itself in anyway you can allow it to. I hope that you are involved in some sort of counseling for this to help you heal as quickly as possible. Most states have a number of agencies that provide free counseling for survivors of sexual assault. In the Chicago area Porchlight counseling services works with college age survivors, or places like Zacharias Center work with survivors of any age.
To sum up, when you have survived a trauma do not expect your feelings to be rational or appropriate in scale until you have done a good deal of healing work. Working with a therapist you can begin to understand why one thing triggers you more than another, but only with time and work will your feelings begin to fall back into their normal shape.
Showing posts with label sexual assault. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexual assault. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
It is up to men to stop domestic violence
This is not a typical blog it is a statement from me and a plea for help.
I am passionate about stopping domestic violence, sexual assault, hate crimes, and all needless violence. Toward this end I work with an organization called Up to Us - Men's Initiative: http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm
We believe that we can do something about these issues if instead of focusing on the concepts we focus on one man at a time, get him to commit to not being violent, and convince him to talk to his friends.
Our group focuses on men because 95% of violent crimes are committed by men and yet most of the work on this issue up to this point has involved women talking to women.
That is important work but it is time for men to step up, and it is exciting because if we do we can stop the abuse from happening.
More than 1 in every 4 women will be involved in a relationship with domestic violence, 1 in 5 will be sexually assaulted, but 1 in 38 men will become a domestic violence abuser. Do the math the same guys are hurting multiple women, and if we can help them to change we can save so many women from violence.
This is not an economic or racial issue, this happens in every community; rich guys do it, police officers do it, "nice guys" hit their wives.
Today I'm asking you to spread the word about groups like Up to Us - Men's Initiative, Men can stop rape, and others. More importantly I'm asking you to have a conversation with the men in your life about this issue. That is all. Let's talk about what everyone is afraid to look at.
Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis said "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Please shine the light on this issue with the people you love and hopefully it will begin to shrivel and die. If we can save just one person, isn't it worth the time and effort?
We believe that these issues are as old and pervasive as civilization itself, but they don't have to be. Slavery was once accepted in every nation on the planet. Now in the places where it exists it is known to be shameful and we are trying to stamp it out of existence. We can get there with domestic violence, but it is UP to US.
I am passionate about stopping domestic violence, sexual assault, hate crimes, and all needless violence. Toward this end I work with an organization called Up to Us - Men's Initiative: http://www.zcenter.org/uptous.htm
We believe that we can do something about these issues if instead of focusing on the concepts we focus on one man at a time, get him to commit to not being violent, and convince him to talk to his friends.
Our group focuses on men because 95% of violent crimes are committed by men and yet most of the work on this issue up to this point has involved women talking to women.
That is important work but it is time for men to step up, and it is exciting because if we do we can stop the abuse from happening.
More than 1 in every 4 women will be involved in a relationship with domestic violence, 1 in 5 will be sexually assaulted, but 1 in 38 men will become a domestic violence abuser. Do the math the same guys are hurting multiple women, and if we can help them to change we can save so many women from violence.
This is not an economic or racial issue, this happens in every community; rich guys do it, police officers do it, "nice guys" hit their wives.
Today I'm asking you to spread the word about groups like Up to Us - Men's Initiative, Men can stop rape, and others. More importantly I'm asking you to have a conversation with the men in your life about this issue. That is all. Let's talk about what everyone is afraid to look at.
Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis said "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Please shine the light on this issue with the people you love and hopefully it will begin to shrivel and die. If we can save just one person, isn't it worth the time and effort?
We believe that these issues are as old and pervasive as civilization itself, but they don't have to be. Slavery was once accepted in every nation on the planet. Now in the places where it exists it is known to be shameful and we are trying to stamp it out of existence. We can get there with domestic violence, but it is UP to US.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Do I tell my sister the rumor I heard about her?
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Question: An acquaintance asked me about a rumor that my little sister was sexually assaulted while she was away at school. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. She said she heard the info from a cousin who I can't stand but my who my sister is really close with and relies on. I know if I ask my cousin about it she will deny saying anything. I'm just afraid this rumor will get back to my sister and she will feel embarrassed that everyone is talking about her, and feel betrayed by my cousin. I want to say something to warn her, but I have no idea how to bring it up, and I wonder if I should say anything. Is it the right thing to upset her if she might never hear about it? If she was sexually assaulted is she going to want her big brother bringing it up to her? Sorry for the long question, I'm lost about what to do.
Answer: Rumors are awful things but I have found most people want to know about them even if there is nothing they can do to stop the spread of the rumor. Even if the knowledge is painful.
Do onto others as THEY would have done onto them. This is the platinum rule and it very much applies here. This is a very tricky situation with no clear right answer. Our first step is to ask the golden rule, if you were in her situation what would you want her to do? Would you want to know about the rumor? Then from what you know of your sister, what do you think she would want you to do.
Let us begin with the premise that the rumor is true. Survivors of sexual assault are often filled with shame and self doubt. This may be an opportunity for you to tell her how much you love and care for her, and that if she was sexually assaulted it does not change your feelings for her what so ever. If she was assaulted your expression of unconditional love may be an important tool for her to use in her healing. If she was not assaulted you are laying the ground work, that if god forbid, something should ever happen to her, she knows she will have you as an ally.
How do you bring this up? On the phone, via text, at the dinner table...? Should you be specific or vague?
If you are trying to be sensitive to a person's privacy I suggest telling some thing like this in a letter that your sister can read privately and then follow up with you if she has questions. If you bring it up in any format where there can be back and forth dialog do not expect your sister to know how to respond. Imagine how difficult it was for you to respond to the person who brought it up and now turn up the volume and snap the knob off.
Do NOT beat around the bush. Get directly to the point. This is what I heard, this is how I heard it, this is what I'm afraid you are feeling, this is why I'm telling you, this is what I hope you will feel when you are done reading, this is when/how you can follow up with me if you want to. Start and end with how much you love her and how nothing will ever change that.
One area where you will have to be careful is in the way you bring the cousin you do not care for into the story. You want to make sure this does not seem like some vendetta that you have against her. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, even if you do not feel like she deserves it. Just report the information you got from your source as you received it, and openly admit that you have not talked to your cousin, and you hope the info is false.
Rumors and sexual assault have one terrible thing in common, they make a person feel powerless. You want to let your sister know that she isn't. That people are going to love her and believe the best about her no matter what they hear because of the good relationships she has developed over the years.
If you write a letter to your sister have someone you trust (someone that will not further spread the rumor) read it over to make sure your intended message of love and support is the strongest message being broadcast.
If you have written your message thoughtfully your sister will be prepared to deal with any questions that come her way and will not feel blindsided. If the person who brings this rumor to her does it with the love and concern that you intend to bring, it will still feel awful to her, but it might also bring the two of you closer together.
PS: there is often free counseling for survivors of sexual assault check with agencies like z-center (which you can find and follow on facebook) or search "center against sexual assault" and you will find a number of agencies.
Question: An acquaintance asked me about a rumor that my little sister was sexually assaulted while she was away at school. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. She said she heard the info from a cousin who I can't stand but my who my sister is really close with and relies on. I know if I ask my cousin about it she will deny saying anything. I'm just afraid this rumor will get back to my sister and she will feel embarrassed that everyone is talking about her, and feel betrayed by my cousin. I want to say something to warn her, but I have no idea how to bring it up, and I wonder if I should say anything. Is it the right thing to upset her if she might never hear about it? If she was sexually assaulted is she going to want her big brother bringing it up to her? Sorry for the long question, I'm lost about what to do.
Answer: Rumors are awful things but I have found most people want to know about them even if there is nothing they can do to stop the spread of the rumor. Even if the knowledge is painful.
Do onto others as THEY would have done onto them. This is the platinum rule and it very much applies here. This is a very tricky situation with no clear right answer. Our first step is to ask the golden rule, if you were in her situation what would you want her to do? Would you want to know about the rumor? Then from what you know of your sister, what do you think she would want you to do.
Let us begin with the premise that the rumor is true. Survivors of sexual assault are often filled with shame and self doubt. This may be an opportunity for you to tell her how much you love and care for her, and that if she was sexually assaulted it does not change your feelings for her what so ever. If she was assaulted your expression of unconditional love may be an important tool for her to use in her healing. If she was not assaulted you are laying the ground work, that if god forbid, something should ever happen to her, she knows she will have you as an ally.
How do you bring this up? On the phone, via text, at the dinner table...? Should you be specific or vague?
If you are trying to be sensitive to a person's privacy I suggest telling some thing like this in a letter that your sister can read privately and then follow up with you if she has questions. If you bring it up in any format where there can be back and forth dialog do not expect your sister to know how to respond. Imagine how difficult it was for you to respond to the person who brought it up and now turn up the volume and snap the knob off.
Do NOT beat around the bush. Get directly to the point. This is what I heard, this is how I heard it, this is what I'm afraid you are feeling, this is why I'm telling you, this is what I hope you will feel when you are done reading, this is when/how you can follow up with me if you want to. Start and end with how much you love her and how nothing will ever change that.
One area where you will have to be careful is in the way you bring the cousin you do not care for into the story. You want to make sure this does not seem like some vendetta that you have against her. I would suggest giving her the benefit of the doubt, even if you do not feel like she deserves it. Just report the information you got from your source as you received it, and openly admit that you have not talked to your cousin, and you hope the info is false.
Rumors and sexual assault have one terrible thing in common, they make a person feel powerless. You want to let your sister know that she isn't. That people are going to love her and believe the best about her no matter what they hear because of the good relationships she has developed over the years.
If you write a letter to your sister have someone you trust (someone that will not further spread the rumor) read it over to make sure your intended message of love and support is the strongest message being broadcast.
If you have written your message thoughtfully your sister will be prepared to deal with any questions that come her way and will not feel blindsided. If the person who brings this rumor to her does it with the love and concern that you intend to bring, it will still feel awful to her, but it might also bring the two of you closer together.
PS: there is often free counseling for survivors of sexual assault check with agencies like z-center (which you can find and follow on facebook) or search "center against sexual assault" and you will find a number of agencies.
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